My disrespectful teenagers

[really14]

Anyone going through the same ??
I have 2 teen girls ages 13 & 15

they are not ALL bad but some things truly hurt me. They are in their room all time time unless at school. They come down for a drink or food.
I don’t get a “good morning mum” and they don’t say goodnight or anything before they go to bed (they disappear and go to bed to sleep before me)

I ask them to come out with me weather it’s shopping or for a walk etc and most of the time it’s a no unless it benefits them or it’s to a restaurant. They put me down sometimes and I’m trying my best. I’m always there to defend them at school etc. I’ve really got their back.

if I’m upset or having a low day or I cry they show no feelings no warmth nothing.

they go to my parents sometimes and they will do everything with them!! Really suck up to them because my parents spoil them. (They’ve got money) I feel not good enough. Not liked.
my eldest is obsessed with her phone. Always on it so sometimes ill take it and ill say to her come to the real world. Come spend time with your family. Let’s have a conversation. But no she sees me as the devil
honestly I feel like a stranger in my own house

Perhaps this is a good time to focus on you. Find your local womens rights group. Get angrier about men in womens spaces. Meet up with like-minded women and have a laugh with them when you're feeling low. Wear objectionable tshirts around the house with Thought Criminal and Adult Human Female on them. You need to up your 'annoying teenagers' game. They are taking you for granted and you've probably fallen into doing too much for them just because it's easier. (Also, this too will pass)

Stop doing so much for them.
They're just seeing you as their support human, rather than as a person in your own right.
Starting to pull back and only do some stuff for them might jolt them back to reality.

This is really interesting. Thankyou. What shall I pull back on? I think your absolutely right x

Adolescence leads to a change in the brain. The part that controls empathy is reduced and risk taking/selfishness is increased.

It is a necessary part of development that involves separating from your family and becoming your own person - stage of own identity and belonging.

So it's fairly normal to want to spend less time with family and more time with friends/outside influences.

I'd view it as a developmental change, as necessary as the physical changes and other than enforcing basic rules around civility wait for it to pass and for you to develop a more adult/adult relationship with your teenagers.

Spending less time with parents normal and developmentally appropriate.
Putting you down is not normal and needs a firm word and consequences.
You shouldn't be breaking down crying in front of your DC and expecting support from them. They are still children, they are not there to be your emotional support. If this is happening often it's probably played a role in their disrespect and lack of empathy for you.

I sympathise @really14. Mine were vile as teenagers. Entitled, rude, uncommunicative. All you can do is model good behaviour, pick your battles, feed them and love them. Eventually they grow out of it. Mine reverted to their original personalities gradually from about 22. The frontal cortex isn’t fully developed until 25.

This will pass but meanwhile make time for you.

if I’m upset or having a low day or I cry they show no feelings no warmth nothing.

They're likely extremely uncomfortable and don't know what to do when you do this in front of them. You're expecting emotional support from your children. It should be going the other way around. Be careful you're not putting them in a parenting role with you.

The other stuff, they're teens and pulling away. This is part of them establishing their independence from you. Teens really aren't big on spending time with their parents.

As long as they're doing their chores and ok in school, I'd let them be.

They put you down? I absolutely would not stand for that. Come down really hard on any disrespect before it becomes entrenched.

I’m recently out the other side of the teenage years. Apart from developing their ability to argue that black is white, ours were pretty nice. They never retreated to their rooms, but to be honest, I was surprised as I never used to sit with my parents in the evenings. I think it’s pretty normal for teens to be in their rooms, I’d honestly have welcomed it sometimes.

Do your daughters cook? My husband taught ours to cook from when they were tiny, so they have always wanted to be in the kitchen either cooking dinner, or helping with it. This results in quality family time without even trying. The eldest has moved out, but he still sends his dad photos of his dinner most days.

Lastly, don’t cry in front of them because you’re having a bad day. It’s emotionally manipulative and it’s not their role to deal with it, especially at their ages.

I do not have break downs in front of my kids!! But yes when life happens I do cry. What do I do? Shut myself in a room to cry when the hobs on?? Tell my eyes to stop crying??? I think it’s ok for them to see every human has emotions. Good god.

Bit of an OTT reaction there
As PP's have suggested go and do things for yourself and invest your energy that way, teenage girls can be very unpleasant but you need to pick your battles
By all means pull them up about being disrespectful to you but apart from that leave them to it. They do come back eventually, it just takes time
As long as they're fed, watered, safe and know that they can come to you if they need you let them get on with trying to navigate the world as a teen

Why on earth is the first post a random rant about trans people that has nothing to do with the initial post???

Anyway - crying in front of your young, teenage children and expecting them to be your emotional support isn't OK. They likely feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say or do. Staying in their room is normal teenage behaviour. Do you say "hello" and "goodnight" to them?

How do they put you down? Do they actually or do you just interpret it that way?

Sounds fairly typical to me.

I’m surprised that posters think it’s unacceptable to cry in front of teenage children. I agree that it’s inappropriate to expect them to be your support or therapist, but crying is usually involuntary and something that just happens! I cried in front of my children quite a few times when I’d been bereaved. Trying to prevent the crying would not have been good for me, nor could I retreat to my bedroom every time some tears started. My children were quite little at the time so I would just say ‘Mummy is feeling sad about XYZ and that’s normal. I’ll be ok again soon, don’t worry- there isn’t anything you need to do’. With teens the tone of the conversation would be different of course, but I really think it’s ok for teenagers to see their mum cry sometimes. Obviously if mum is crying all the time that’s different, but now and then during a hard time? Fine IMO.

I was a stroppy teenager and disliked my mother and this behaviour would've made me even more uncomfortable and I would’ve respected her even less than I did.

Teenagers want to see their parents as fully grown adults with their shit together. They need to see that parents care, support and are willing to listen without judgement.

This is why teenagers often love grandparents, because the slight distance means they are often better placed to provide that than overwrought emotional parents.

Kind of proving the point.

Stop the drama in front of the kids. You expect them to support you when you do, that's part of what you're complaining about on your first post that they show no warmth when you cry. Get your shit together.

I agree, sometimes visible sadness is the entirely normal human response to a sad situation and children need to see that and know that its ok to be sad. Sometimes they need to understand they may have caused hurt so they can change their own behaviour.

OP, we have all been there. I think looking back we escaped relatively lightly. We had tantrums, nothing was “fair”, as pp say arguing for what seems to be the sake of it.
We generally tried to let low grade stuff such as muttering and performance door shutting wash over us. We wouldn’t accept behaviour which upset or hurt a sibling or other person. Sometimes also I just hugged them. It may sound odd but the times when they seemed really uncharacteristically obnoxious they were dealing with other problems and were deflecting that anger/fear onto us. More than once a hug resulted in a teenager dissolving into tears and then telling me what the actual problem was. They each started and finished at different ages but broadly the girls started earlier but were human by about 18, the boys started a bit later and were done by about 19/20.

But lord there were days where those projects requiring a month away from home by long haul looked very attractive 😀

I've said this before in another thread but stop doing the washing. Show them how to use the machine, show them where the manual is, show them a tag with the symbols on. And bow out. In retrospect I cannot believe that my mother literally never showed me how to do a load of washing (hence years as a student shrinking things, turning everything pink or grey 😆). Laundry is a much more straightforward job to hand over than cooking; no ingredients and it's for the individual's direct benefit. Make use of that teenage selfishness! (I was horrible to my mother; I know i made her cry. It got better. Remember they're probably miserable about life too: would anyone want to repeat the experience of being a teenage girl??)

Showing it's normal to be upset during bereavement is very healthy. Crying and expecting support from them is not okay. From the tone of the OP it sounds very much about OP wanting her children to meet her emotional needs by spending time with her and supporting her when she is upset, that is not healthy and it is a lot of pressure on a teenager.

Stop doing anything for them bare the bare minimum.
Buy zero treats, just plain food.
No lifts, no money, and cancel phone contracts if you don't see an improvement.
Tell them what you expect from them.
Answer NO to every request from them.

They'll soon learn whats what.

If you accept it, they will dish it.
Stop accepting it.

if I’m upset or having a low day or I cry they show no feelings no warmth nothing.

Why are you trying to use your children to boost your mental health? My mother did this to me, it's harmful and your pain is not theirs to carry. I'm not surprised they avoid you if this is what you expect.

Go on strike. I've done it a few times and it works, for a while anyhow. I have to remind them that my obligations involve providing food (any type) and warmth and anything else is optional. So don't clean up for them or do laundry or give them lifts for a few days. Don't cook or only cook what you like, don't buy anything that they request and do that for 48 hours or so. Wear headphones around the house so don't engage. If they need something they have to source themselves which will involve walking or getting a bus. About 99% of the time they no longer need the thing that involves them making an effort despite it being the most important thing ever when they thought Mum will do it. After a few days they will panic about the laundry and have to learn to do it themselves, then they realise it's a time consuming job.

Also they should have chores, we have to agree set days and times because they simply will not help otherwise. I wouldn't expect them to see what needs to be done, most teens don't think that way. Easier to let them choose chore A or B and then fix the day or time.

As for not engaging with you much, I think that's standard enough teen behaviour. Best to ignore it but set down ground rules like we eat dinner together on weekends, no phone at the table etc. Coaxing them into spending time doesn't usually end well.

I’d find it extremely hurtful if my children showed no empathy. I pity the OP, her daughters sound selfish, greedy and unfeeling. I would not be putting myself out for them.

No, you should not cry in front of the children because you are down. This must be terrible for them. They are not there to give you sympathy. They are not the parent in the situation.

Yes my mother did this to me too. This is one of the many reasons I am LC with her now.

The how will they learn that showing emotion is a normal thing, to be welcomed?