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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be able to get over what happened at work

95 replies

Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 08:25

Hi, I was badly bullied at work for a long time. I was falsely accused continuously of doing and saying things I hadn't said and done, even when people came forward to defend me and tell the truth. My manager was a major part of the problem and he encouraged other members of the team to act against me and to work together to exclude me etc. It was all horrendous and I ended up having to have counselling which did help and I got some amazing advice and guidance from acas. So, things reached a head a couple of weeks ago and someone tried to falsely accused me again and I snapped and went to hr. This resulted in a huge team meeting where lots of things came out and when I found out the manager was egging people on to be vile to me and he would slag me off in other people's 1 to 1s. It ended up with lots of apologies to me and my manager was put on a warning. It seems on the surface that all is sorted but I am so angry. I am still being excluded from team conversations, a couple of colleagues are clearly peed off that they've been called out etc. But overall things seem to have calmed down. However, I am so bloody angry that I had to go through all this. I am furious and can't seem to calm down when people who I know went out of their way to destroy me are now smiling at me saying good morning. I know I am still being excluded from team events and meetings etc so it's not all perfect but I want to scream at these people that they're awful even if they're currently pretending to be nice to me...sorry for the rant and over long explanation, i dont even know what im trying to say, I feel wrung out and exhaused as well as a little fragile. I am looking for a new job but there isn't much where I live. One colleague in particular is always talking about how kind and good he is, volunteering at a local charity etc and always putting inspirational quotes on his insta account but he was one of the worst offenders, often saying that he was protecting people from me..but I hadn't done anything and he could never say what i was supposed to have done!! I am quiet and keep myself to myself...sorry, im stopping now. Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Tamfs · 03/11/2025 08:28

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. They are awful, it's not you. I'm not sure I could continue in an environment like that and not sure you should either. Are you able to make an exit plan?

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 08:30

Tamfs · 03/11/2025 08:28

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. They are awful, it's not you. I'm not sure I could continue in an environment like that and not sure you should either. Are you able to make an exit plan?

Thank you, I am looking for something else. I have thought about going on the sick for a while, which is something I've never done before, but I am exhausted x

OP posts:
LIZS · 03/11/2025 08:32

You could raise a further grievance but it probably won’t help. Can you get more counselling, via an employee assistance programme perhaps. It might help you to stop thinking of your colleagues as friends, be professional in your interactions but distant. Can you develop a better social life outside work, hobbies and friends to offset the toxic atmosphere at work and rebalance, while you look for another job.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 08:35

LIZS · 03/11/2025 08:32

You could raise a further grievance but it probably won’t help. Can you get more counselling, via an employee assistance programme perhaps. It might help you to stop thinking of your colleagues as friends, be professional in your interactions but distant. Can you develop a better social life outside work, hobbies and friends to offset the toxic atmosphere at work and rebalance, while you look for another job.

Thank you, I don't have a lot of friends which is why in part this affected me so badly, I think. I am on my way to work now and I feel sick . I will definitely look into some local social groups. Xx

OP posts:
Greenwitchart · 03/11/2025 08:37

OP I was in a job for the past three years where I scapegoated constantly for other people's incompetence, was excluded from meetings, had my authority challenged by people with no experience whatsoever of my area of work and had a complaint made about me for being ''rude'' when I asked someone to clarify something in a meeting. I was also excluded from training opportunities and promotions.

It got worse when I had a period of sick leave (I have a long term health condition).

In the end I just had enough and I raised an official grievance against my line manager. I told HR I was happy to look at a financial settlement but if not I was taking this all the way to an employment tribunal. In the end they paid me off.

The reality is that this was a toxic team and manager and things were never going to improve. I feel so much better now that I have left so my advice would be to start job hunting and raise an official grievance in the meantime if the issues with your manager continue.

It is soul destroying to work with people who are constantly backstabbing and undermining you and it is just not worth wasting your life on this.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 08:41

Greenwitchart · 03/11/2025 08:37

OP I was in a job for the past three years where I scapegoated constantly for other people's incompetence, was excluded from meetings, had my authority challenged by people with no experience whatsoever of my area of work and had a complaint made about me for being ''rude'' when I asked someone to clarify something in a meeting. I was also excluded from training opportunities and promotions.

It got worse when I had a period of sick leave (I have a long term health condition).

In the end I just had enough and I raised an official grievance against my line manager. I told HR I was happy to look at a financial settlement but if not I was taking this all the way to an employment tribunal. In the end they paid me off.

The reality is that this was a toxic team and manager and things were never going to improve. I feel so much better now that I have left so my advice would be to start job hunting and raise an official grievance in the meantime if the issues with your manager continue.

It is soul destroying to work with people who are constantly backstabbing and undermining you and it is just not worth wasting your life on this.

Edited

I'm sorry you had to go though this and I hope you are well. Acas recommended that I make a grievance on my manager as there was more than enough evidence but I just didn't have the strength to do it. I don't have any support so I would have had to go though it alone and at the moment, I'm not sure I can xx

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 03/11/2025 08:42

It doesn't sound like the outcome of this grievance is satisfactory. An apology and a warning is not really enough. If we'd had a similar situation there would have been a mediation process and potentially a redeployment or rejig line management responsibility or something to support you.
I would go back to Hr and say that this is not sorted. That you are still being excluded and that this is not resolved and is causing you stress. It just seems pathetic that all they've done is got you an apology.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 08:44

Whyherewego · 03/11/2025 08:42

It doesn't sound like the outcome of this grievance is satisfactory. An apology and a warning is not really enough. If we'd had a similar situation there would have been a mediation process and potentially a redeployment or rejig line management responsibility or something to support you.
I would go back to Hr and say that this is not sorted. That you are still being excluded and that this is not resolved and is causing you stress. It just seems pathetic that all they've done is got you an apology.

Thank you, it is a toxic team and I was warned about them before I started but I thought as I keep myself to myself, I would be out of the line of fire, but I was very wrong. I joined a union recently too so I think I'll speak to them too xx

OP posts:
Dollymylove · 03/11/2025 08:59

Speak to your union. Tell them everything. That's what you pay union subs for

Sockdays · 03/11/2025 09:01

I think you need to see your GP and go out sick for an extended period.
Put all documentation in a safe place.
Take time to rest and then go the Grievance route.
I am so sorry.
It sounds hugely toxic.
But starting a Grievance will give him huge grief, which he deserves.

chunkyBoo · 03/11/2025 10:42

I feel for you as I was bullied by a complete narcissist at work. I was one of 40-50 people bullied by her too! There was a mass complaint that eventually got her sacked but it really affected so many people and the one good thing is that many of us met up /had WhatsApp groups to support each other, and not feel like we’re being dramatic, it was a terrible time, 5 years later and it still affects me! Thankfully the cow got sacked but she really kicked off, tried to accuse people of racism and bullying her!
have you spoken to the HR team about moving teams? Perhaps tell them that you’re still being targeted by the ‘henchmen’ which is stiff affecting your MH?
good luck

Darkmodish · 03/11/2025 10:47

Sounds horrendous.

It eilll take time to get over. I’d look for a new job, but in the meantime you have a job so no hurry. I’d maybe take some sick leave for the stress of it. Surely HR can’t complain about that?

Henry8thHoover · 03/11/2025 11:07

I have experienced similar, intense bullying, scapegoating, public shaming. I was almost suicidal, couldn’t sleep or eat.

It’s eased a bit but now it’s mobbing and baiting. All smiles on the surface but I’m sure they are waiting to stitch me up with something.

It has totally taken over my life- the anger I feel, it’s like a poison and I’m sure I have PTSD.

I found a new job and I’m leaving in a few weeks. I do A LOT, my role is massive and by accident I have become something of a SME for everything!
They will reap what they have sown.

No advice, I didn’t make a formal complaint because there were either no witnesses or I knew I’d be gaslit.

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:35

Dollymylove · 03/11/2025 08:59

Speak to your union. Tell them everything. That's what you pay union subs for

Thank you, I'll book an appointment today

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:36

Sockdays · 03/11/2025 09:01

I think you need to see your GP and go out sick for an extended period.
Put all documentation in a safe place.
Take time to rest and then go the Grievance route.
I am so sorry.
It sounds hugely toxic.
But starting a Grievance will give him huge grief, which he deserves.

Thank you, I've logged everything and have copies of all emails etc. I'll get today over with then I think I will book a doc appointment x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:38

chunkyBoo · 03/11/2025 10:42

I feel for you as I was bullied by a complete narcissist at work. I was one of 40-50 people bullied by her too! There was a mass complaint that eventually got her sacked but it really affected so many people and the one good thing is that many of us met up /had WhatsApp groups to support each other, and not feel like we’re being dramatic, it was a terrible time, 5 years later and it still affects me! Thankfully the cow got sacked but she really kicked off, tried to accuse people of racism and bullying her!
have you spoken to the HR team about moving teams? Perhaps tell them that you’re still being targeted by the ‘henchmen’ which is stiff affecting your MH?
good luck

Thank you, hope you're well xx I am completely isolated in all this. I tried speaking to what I thought was a trusted colleague about what was happening but they told everyone that I was flagging them off, which I didn't. I'm shocked at how much this has affected me x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:39

Darkmodish · 03/11/2025 10:47

Sounds horrendous.

It eilll take time to get over. I’d look for a new job, but in the meantime you have a job so no hurry. I’d maybe take some sick leave for the stress of it. Surely HR can’t complain about that?

Thank you, I'm definitely thinking about sick leave now x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:41

Henry8thHoover · 03/11/2025 11:07

I have experienced similar, intense bullying, scapegoating, public shaming. I was almost suicidal, couldn’t sleep or eat.

It’s eased a bit but now it’s mobbing and baiting. All smiles on the surface but I’m sure they are waiting to stitch me up with something.

It has totally taken over my life- the anger I feel, it’s like a poison and I’m sure I have PTSD.

I found a new job and I’m leaving in a few weeks. I do A LOT, my role is massive and by accident I have become something of a SME for everything!
They will reap what they have sown.

No advice, I didn’t make a formal complaint because there were either no witnesses or I knew I’d be gaslit.

I hope you are ok now. Mobbing was a term acas used and I've looked it up and it definitely sounds like this happened to me too. It often takes over my whole thought process even when im not at work. I'm angry and upset and just struggling to get over it x

OP posts:
Clarinet1 · 03/11/2025 12:51

Poor OP, I’ve had my bad times at work so I am sorry you’re going through this. I second the ideas of getting signed of sick by your GP and talking to your union. Good luck - hope you sort things out soon!

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:53

Clarinet1 · 03/11/2025 12:51

Poor OP, I’ve had my bad times at work so I am sorry you’re going through this. I second the ideas of getting signed of sick by your GP and talking to your union. Good luck - hope you sort things out soon!

Thank you, hope you are ok xxx

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 03/11/2025 12:56

This is awful. Please take it further though even if you don't feel strong enough. They'll do it someone else too if not stopped.

Mincepietastic · 03/11/2025 12:56

That's terrible. I'm not surprised you can't just sweep it under the carpet like they seem to expect.

Allow the Union to support you. If you post on the work boards, there are some really knowledge people and people who been through this kind of thing. The online support can really help if you haven't got many people to talk it through with in person.

Best of luck to you

Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 12:59

DinaofCloud9 · 03/11/2025 12:56

This is awful. Please take it further though even if you don't feel strong enough. They'll do it someone else too if not stopped.

Thank you, I do worry that someone else will end up getting bullied too x

OP posts:
Original poster
Ereerenownow · 03/11/2025 13:00

Mincepietastic · 03/11/2025 12:56

That's terrible. I'm not surprised you can't just sweep it under the carpet like they seem to expect.

Allow the Union to support you. If you post on the work boards, there are some really knowledge people and people who been through this kind of thing. The online support can really help if you haven't got many people to talk it through with in person.

Best of luck to you

Thank you, I've finished early today so contacted my union to book an appointment with my local rep xx

OP posts:
Liondoesntsleepatnight · 03/11/2025 13:03

Job market is good. What’s your field? Get your cv up to date and get applying for jobs, (I just got a new job, had 3 offers and went for one with nicest team vs better brand).

Life is too short for being made to feel like shit at work. When you get an offer, or two then ask your current firm to pay you off, say it’s intolerable working there, cite that it’s affecting your well being and mental health and ask them to pay you to go, at the very least you should get your notice period off and paid. Dont divulge that you have a new role.

my situation was a toxic colleague, I’m walking taller since resigning and I’ve a month pff, full pay