To not be able to get over what happened at work

[Ereerenownow]

Hi, I was badly bullied at work for a long time. I was falsely accused continuously of doing and saying things I hadn't said and done, even when people came forward to defend me and tell the truth. My manager was a major part of the problem and he encouraged other members of the team to act against me and to work together to exclude me etc. It was all horrendous and I ended up having to have counselling which did help and I got some amazing advice and guidance from acas. So, things reached a head a couple of weeks ago and someone tried to falsely accused me again and I snapped and went to hr. This resulted in a huge team meeting where lots of things came out and when I found out the manager was egging people on to be vile to me and he would slag me off in other people's 1 to 1s. It ended up with lots of apologies to me and my manager was put on a warning. It seems on the surface that all is sorted but I am so angry. I am still being excluded from team conversations, a couple of colleagues are clearly peed off that they've been called out etc. But overall things seem to have calmed down. However, I am so bloody angry that I had to go through all this. I am furious and can't seem to calm down when people who I know went out of their way to destroy me are now smiling at me saying good morning. I know I am still being excluded from team events and meetings etc so it's not all perfect but I want to scream at these people that they're awful even if they're currently pretending to be nice to me...sorry for the rant and over long explanation, i dont even know what im trying to say, I feel wrung out and exhaused as well as a little fragile. I am looking for a new job but there isn't much where I live. One colleague in particular is always talking about how kind and good he is, volunteering at a local charity etc and always putting inspirational quotes on his insta account but he was one of the worst offenders, often saying that he was protecting people from me..but I hadn't done anything and he could never say what i was supposed to have done!! I am quiet and keep myself to myself...sorry, im stopping now. Thanks for reading

Staying to yourself and not bothering people, seems to bother people! They don't know you so make up a narrative that's they think fits. I really hope you're okay. Grown adults bullying others will never make sense to me! Its them, not you. I'd agree with looking for a new job, also if you can afford to, get on the sick and start looking. You owe them nothing. Especially not your mental health! If you do go off sick make sure you site the reason as mental health due to that toxic work environment! I feel so angry for you! People are just rotten!

@Ereerenownow After all you've been through I think you should get signed off. You might feel better about things when you go back.
On the other hand, probably not. But being off would help you gain strength physically and mentally. or ask for a financial settlement and leave. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry. I'd try to distance myself outside work-time, eg don't look at their socials. Understandably, someone writing the "Be kind inspire etc" stuff would upset you if he's being hypocritical, but it's amazing how often socials do not reflect reality, so unless you have to look at his socials as part of your job (unlikely), don't put yourself through it. You said you're looking for another job-until you have it, plan something specific for after work everyday. A coffee with a friend, a walk with your kids/partner, a gym session-anything, for that to be your focus to get you through the day to what actually matters, what you want.

Please go as far as you can with your union/ACAS and take as much leave as you feel you need. I had a bullying manager, seemed not to like successful females, he pushed one out then started on me, treated me very differently to the other heads of teams, despite my outstanding outcomes. I got out as soon as I could, I said I’d go quietly if I got great references. My next employer said my references were ‘blinding’, quite rightly given I’d doubled positive outcomes within a year.

Trouble is, it wrecks your confidence. I’d been in the same role at different places for 20 years when this happened and it’s taken years for my confidence to recover, despite equally excellent outcomes year upon year. I strongly recommend you get out asap for the sake of your mental health.

Do you work in the NHS?

I went through something similar a couple of years ago (civilian role within the police). It still affects me to this day and I have started numerous threads wanting to discuss it, but never hit "post". Until I experienced work place bullying I couldn't have imagined it.

So, you have my sincere sympathy. I got out, took the first job I was offered and placed on gardening leave. Those four weeks were wonderful, so I second people suggesting you take some sick leave to help your nervous system take a break from being in fight or flight.

Dear OP, just wanted to say I've been somewhere similar to where you are, and it felt as if it would kill me. I was a nervous wreck, and couldn't enjoy anything. I went to a counsellor, who was very well-meaning but wasted ages digging into my childhood to see what long-forgotten grief this situation was bringing up! I finally realised I just had to get away from those toxic people. And when I did, I could hardly believe I had stayed so long in hell, thinking I could soldier on and somehow put it right.

I hope you can find a suitable job, but I wouldn't hold out for the job of your dreams at this stage. Just get to a place where you're breathing non-poisonous air among decent human beings, so you can rebuild your inner resources. Then if you wish, when you've recovered from the hellish time you had, you can start looking around for a job that would suit you better.

You should definitely have a period of rest before you do anything else. Go on sick leave and let your nervous system reset. No wonder you're exhausted.

I would go the grievance route as suggested and look for a financial settlement while looking quietly for another role.

If they are bullying you and making things up about you, can’t you lodge formal grievances about them? That way, if they are found to have done these things, there will be disciplinary action taken. Good luck

I was bullied 17 years ago in the workplace and still remember the terrible detrimental effects on my mental health. Similar to you, this was by a manager and two deputies, they were like the three witches. I wasn't even sleeping I was so stressed. At the time, I kept going until I got a new job. BUT I was young O.P, 26 years old and looking back now I wished I had gone off on sick leave. At the time I thought it would look like they had 'won' and I was determined to show them that I didn't care what they did to me. However, with wisdom I realised I should have gone off on sick leave as I needed it with the stress. I ended up on antidepressants and sleeping tablets. I would tell my younger self to get signed off and you should too. How awful that even now you are going to work feeling anxious. They have caused that. Put yourself first. They started this. Get signed off work and look for another job whilst also resting and taking care of yourself. Call in sick tomorrow, get a doctor's cert and hopefully you never have to even walk back into that place again. Sending love and strength and remember you are a better person than all of them.

Thank you all so much for your lovely messages, they have made me feel much better. I have a gp appointment next week and I am seeing my union rep this week. I think I have read somewhere though that there is a 3 month time limit on taking action against workplace bullying and much of the stuff that went on was a lot longer ago than that so not sure where that leaves me but fingers crossed I'll get some good advice xx

Just glad that you’re joining the union and you’re going to see your GP with their support you will find the strength to take their advice. Good luck.

Be aware your union may not be able to help with this, they often have a rule that they can only help if you were in the union when the problem started (otherwise everyone would just join when they have a problem which would cripple the union financially).
but even if they can’t represent you this time they can give you some advice and you’ll have them if anything new arises

This is horrible for you OP, but I have no advice for you just well done for getting as far as you have in surviving their shit.

What I did want to say was that I'm not in the least surprised that the man who advertises himself as 'I'm so lovely & kind' is a leading light in all this. I'd have put money on that being the case.

Terrible!! My friend had this happen. He raised a grievance and did a subject access request to his company for any mentions of him sent via Teams/our online channels from the worst offenders and told HR he wanted financial settlement or will go to employment tribunal. The SAR had some vile things said about him and he got a few grand pay out and a new job somewhere else.
I'd be doing the same if I were you

I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice, OP, but just wanted to say I'm sorry you went through all this and I echo what other people have said about getting signed off and thinking seriously about taking it further. I absolutely wouldn't be able to forget about it just like that either! 💐

Go to the doctor and get signed off for mental health. Use that time to search for other jobs. I’m sorry that sounds like a bloody awful situation.

Definitely do a SAR immediately and ask to have all the Teams messages (or whatever is used).

Take it further and see a solicitor - you could look at constructive dismissal and get a pay out so you can be out of there while you look for a new job

I’d actually go as far as to say you have a case for constructive dismissal

Just another note of caution, to claim constructive dismissal you first need to resign - following your resignation you may or may not be able to get a settlement to settle your claim of constructive dismissal. So you’d have to be prepared to take the risk that you end up with no job, no reference and an approx 2 year wait for a tribunal date which you may or may not win. Or you could seek a settlement without resigning so at least your income is secure whilst you negotiate, but then you can’t use the constructive dismissal argument as you’ll still be employed whilst negotiating.

Haven’t rtft but you could email hr and explain that the recent events and working environment is making you feel stressed as the investigation made you aware that the bullying was worse than you ever realised… and quote some of the ongoing behaviour. Then give them a week and go off sick with work related stress. Think about what you want them to do when you return. They are bound by law to do a work related stress risk assessment as you have identified something at work that’s a hazard to your health. Just like if you fell over a wire and they never fixed it. If you want to be moved to another team then ask for that. You need to to think of ways to help yourself get a better working environment. It might be more working from home, a move to another department. Anything that’s reasonable as if you ask for it and it’s reasonable, it will be very difficult for them to say no.

@Ereerenownow I was bullied to the point of being off for three months and my line manager not being allowed to speak to me 1 on 1 (HR were super useful at this point and I know it was to protect him from making them even more liable).
In the end, I could have taken them to tribunal but was so broken and was offered a reasonable exit deal. I took it.
Me now would have fought harder (and certainly would have got more). But me back then just did not have the strength.
Wishing you all the best - do the best you can for how you are now. If you have the strength, fight for future you.

Definitely speak to your union rep and get the grievance going. They can support you and attend meetings with you.

Don’t let them get away with it x