Parents hoarding money

[Antisocialg1t]

Speaking to my Dad today and he boasted he saves £2,000 / month and has well in excess of £250,000 sitting in the bank. He was lamenting not having enough places to put his money without paying tax. He also stated that in retirement he's never had it so good compared to his working life.

I can't help but feel resentment. I think this stems from the almost daily grind of raising two children (15 and 13), always wanting the best for them, and sacrificing constantly. I'm hugely motivated by the fact I strongly believe that adult life is going to be harder for them than it was for me and hugely more difficult than it was for my parent's generation. I just can't reconcile feeling how I do about my children, and knowing that my dad thinks very differently about me and my family. It has brought to mind how little he's ever done for my children / his grandchildren, despite being retired for their entire lives. It's also brought into sharp focus how much of his time he's used to save and hoard money, rather than give more of himself.

But I feel huge guilt because this has come up because of a conversation about money.

Anyone else in a similar position?

Can you explain why you feel elderly people aren't entitled to save their money, and why you refer to it as hoarding?

Most people here who expect handouts from parents don't seem to have money. It's all very well to say you would do this or that to help if you HAD money. But would you & how much?Who decides if £100 a month or £1,000 a month is reasonable? I'm guessing even if you got something it wouldn't be enough.

Question: what are you doing to better yourselves so you might help your kids at 18, 25 or 35?

I think that once you have a bit of money, especially if you come from nothing, it is very hard to spend. Also, once age hits you realise who quickly it can go because of this or that, so you keep it if you can. They anxiety of possibly having nothing one day does not go away. Also, old habits die hard.

Surely not having money and the odd struggle incentivises to work to change this.

We already pay for the NHS through our tax/NIC and plenty of us can't get decent health care depending on location. "Totally ringfenced" means nothing when a government's finances are in dire straits.

Putting yet more money in the government's hands to have it unequally distributed amongst those in need of care doesn't sit well with me.

People graduating in 2026 and later under Plan 5 will continue to be subject to Graduate tax for 40 years from graduation date. this means that at 45 they'll be subject to 9% graduate tax (on earnings over £25k) and 2% care tax. Labour are about to raise income tax/NI by some means and it'll be what they now apparently deem "higher earners" on a salary of £45k or more that feel the pain of that too.

We need to look at cutting welfare at the bottom end (youngsters settling down to a life on benefits one way or another) so that we can fund care at the other end of the age spectrum.

I'd say that their parents are teaching them how NOT to treat their own children.

If I'm lucky enough for everything I have planned to go smoothly then we will be relatively comfortable when our children are adults, and will do everything we can to ensure they benefit from that whilst we are still alive. Particularly during the difficult years when their own children are young, when money just seems to be sucked into a blackhole and their childhoods are slipping away whilst you work to fund everything.

Money, which will otherwise be handed over to the taxman when you die, could fund for your grandchild's parent to take a day a week off work so that the weekend is free from chores, and they are not too exhausted to do fun things with them.

It could pay off the mortgage so they know their home is secure. It could pay for a weekly babysitters and date nights to help them keep their relationship with their spouse strong. Or for a cleaner or laundry service. We know that money and household chores are two of the main sources of conflict in marriages.

Or for music lessons, maybe even private school, for your grandchildren, or a big family holiday to make memories everyone will hold onto long after you are gone.

There's also something to be said for knowing that when you do need care, your children have the time and resources to provide it for you and even if you do have the means to pay private, you won't be forced into a miserable care home with a rushed weekly visit. If they are working full time and ground down from years of making do and mending, they are hardly going to be ready to bring your shopping, prep a few meals for you, and clean the bathroom.

When I think of the idea of having a lot of money, my first thought is how I could use it to make my daughter and stepdaughter's lives easier, and I would like to think that when I am old and lonely, they will reciprocate.

Yes I think this is underestimated - my FIL had many months abroad with work with my mil ( RIP) and grandparents ( her parents) looking after the 2 boys . He certainly didn’t call his parents every day and very much had expectations - now he’s old and on his own his expectations of us are I think much higher. As I said above I think he woukd like to give away now but won’t at86 because of deprivation of assets -

Endlessly saving crap, scrimping and saving, going without for no reason.....unless they want a new car!
Oh the irony....illustrating so well the self centeredness of some posters.

It is BECAUSE of their saving attitude that they managed to accumulate wealth...the sane wealth their youngster feel entitled too...because their attitude is that saving is waste!

Talking about letting children and GC suffering when there's been no mention of anyone suffering, unless it refers to suffering from the green eye monster.

I think it's a facetious chicken and egg situation: parents work hard prioritising saving in investment building a pot. Their children thinking they are stupid for not spending their money as they are themselves. Children resent parents, parents are well aware of resentment, envy and sense of entitlement, making them much less likely to share their wealth!

Sounds like he is being extremely prudent. Its not a huge amount and who know what he might need to fund his retirement . Maybe he does hope to provide a deposit for your children who at the moment are still quite young.

It's really not.

The Boomer generation have just been in the right place at the right time and politically and economically everything fell into place to enable them to be the richest generation of all time. Being such a large generation, they have been able to always vote for the policies which served them best.

The avocado toast argument has been debunked time and time again; the millennial generation has been financially disadvantaged throughout their adult lives, at least in part due to the fact that at every opportunity, the older generation pulled the ladder up behind them.

This is such a victim mentality. Something those evil boomers weren't raised to have.

Also, I have a suspicion that those who are shouting “entitlement“ are doing pretty well financially in life themselves. In other words, they don’t need any help! Perhaps if they were homeless, or disabled, or had a chronic illness, or children that needed care, and maybe were doing it all as a single parent, they might feel differently.

So when one partner in a marriage dies, the remaining person loses a large chunk of money immediately.
The deceased’s State Pension (about £800) & usually half of any private pension.
This can be a substantial amount.
Not all people want to live in a Care/Nursing Home. I absolutely don't.
My father paid for private carers during the last years of his life. He lived until his 90s.
We estimate this cost him in excess of £100,000.
Your DF is probably aware of the financial implications and is being sensible.
You & your DC will likely inherit the leftovers. It’s a question of being patient!

Guess again, I'm 45 and only just able to buy my first property, a one bed flat.

Yes, but everyone knows that the unspent money will go either to:

• Care homes
• IHT
• Their children

Choosing the first two when it could benefit the third, or making them wait until your death, is illogical and unkind.

I don't need half a million quid (if my parents don't end up in long term care, which I do not want for them and will try to prevent) when I'm 60 and my kids are adults.

Pretty sure my 30 yo daughter isn't going to be delighted that I can finally afford singing lessons and family holiday for her. Or my 40 yo stepdaughter won't jump for joy when I tell her that I can now pay for her to stay in the slightly less grotty student accommodation at Uni.

Wow that’s awful. Hope you get the inheritance at least 🤣

It's nothing to do with victim mentality. I'm not a victim. I'm a grafter and always have been, but that's not been easy when I graduated in the midst of a recession I didn't cause, rented a house that was bought for £77k for £1500 a month for years, finally bought a house for 5x the last sold price in the midst of a housing crisis I didn't cause, faced year on year pay cuts as inflation outpaced wage growth, paid childcare bills higher than ever seen before, lived through 14 years of a conservative government with little interest in policies which benefitted the young, watched Brexit take so much away from my generation, and am now living in climate change and paying the price of rampant consumerism and a switch away from environmentally friendly practises, all chosen by my parents generation when I was too young to have any say.

The fact that Boomers benefitted from policies their own parents put in place and then took them away is just fact.

It’s true though!

It isn't scrimping and saving to buy a new car....as we all well know. But it will probably save you money in the long run and be nicer for you. My point being that they can forget the need to scrimp and save when they want to.

I do recognise the hard work put in to achieve this wealth - they didn't inherit it, they earned it. But they also had benefits and advantages that just don't exist any more!

My FIL has helped us out when we really needed it but it's always been on his terms. When I once explained that we needed money NOW when we had young DC and I could only work part-time, not in the future, he couldn't understand. I don't want a nice retirement, I want my DC to have a nice childhood!

Another example: my mother bought her two council flats for next to nothing with the ”buy” scheme ! They have a big cap on the discount now, so ability to do that much reduced.

The avocado on toast thing - there may or may not be some truth in that – but if I had no chance of buying a home, or maybe even having children, maybe I would treat myself to some avocado on toast 🥑.

I think maybe it is good for young people to struggle, to understand the meaning of money, what life is like for many of us,but when that struggle continues into their 30s with no let up, and family are standing by who are able to easily help but refuse to, I think we have a problem Houston.

It's a suggestion not an obligation. The poor man complained about not knowing what to do with his money🙄

Another example: my mother bought her two council flats for next to nothing with the ”buy” scheme !

How did she manage that? You’d never get another council property if you’d already bought one.

Lastly, people are putting forward the idea of saving for “care” when they are elderly. The thing is, I don’t think it’s an either / or situation. If you are that well – off, as some of these elderly parents are, you can do both!

I would answer your question - if you had asked in a more pleasant and less accusatory tone 🤷‍♀️ . It was entirely above board, in specific circumstances.

When you consider £250k has the same spending power as £115k due to a heavily debased currency resulting from printing money, that's not the flex you think it is.

I think he's a fool for not putting his money into appreciating assets like gold or silver. Never keep too much money in a place where it can be inflated away, ie the bank.

^ I concur.

@Naunet I think the issue is that many these elderly people are living lifestyles that no amount of hard work will ever buy subsequent generations, and no amount of hard work bought the generations before them. Yes, many of them did work hard, but that hard work has been rewarded vastly beyond what hard work ever has been before or likely will be again. There is no prospect whatsoever that most of my generation will have lots of money in retirement, despite being the most educated generation in history, and many of us working since we were teenagers. Student debt, childcare costs, high mortgage repayments - all impact how much we can pay into retirement funds, all costs the current pensioners largely didn't have in the same proportion to their salaries.

The issue is the entitlement - the belief that it's their hard work, rather than a system geared towards this distribution of tax and wealth, that's created the wealth that so many current pensioners enjoy. If it was hard work that did that, I can think of many people who would at least be able to afford their heating bills comfortably, who currently can't. And retirement isn't something these people are counting on at all. Working full time, from 16, with degrees, struggling to pay their bills, and assuming they'll never retire. To me, it's entirely fair they feel entitled to a bit more money. And entirely understandable that they might take issue with a parent lamenting about the piles of cash accumulated in a savings account.