To not want my mother in law to stay every month

[Autumnspicecandleleaves]

My mother in law stays over every single month without fail, usually towards the end of the month. She arrives Friday morning and leaves Monday sometimes Tuesday morning. She lives an hour away. When she’s here she doesn’t pay for anything, every month when she’s here we go out to eat because that’s her favourite thing to do but it’s started really grating on me that she doesn’t pay for a single thing and I know once a month isn’t a lot for her to visit but it really feels like it. She’s got lots of disposable income. Lives in a nice house and goes on holiday 6+ times a year.

When she’s here we get all the food she likes to making sure she has her favourite breakfast lunch dinner pudding snacks etc. She’s nice to me and is a nice lady but she grates on me. I should look forward to seeing her but I never do.

I feel like a bad person for getting annoyed with her. Does anyone have a similar experience ? Thank you x

Why are you tolerating this?
Tell your husband go and visit her, much cheaper.
She is using you as a free weekend.
One hour away?
Not normal.

Put your foot down.
If he pushes back, rethink your marriage because you have made a mistake.
Do not have children with such a man.

How does OH feel?

She's a cheeky fucker to expect you to pick up the bill every time you eat out. If I go out with my adult children and my grandchildren, I either pick up the whole bill or certainly pay my share.

What does your husband think? If you raise this, will he defend her?

What does DH think? No mention of him.

Just say you are busy!

Wow, once a month is a lot of visits. Can you reduce it down to once a quarter at least. Is your DH a bit under his mothers thumb? Is she visiting to see you or just spend time with her son?

The meals out are just ridiculous. It does not sound like she turns up with a bottle of wine and some contribution towards the stay. I would definitely be scaling back on the food situation.

Why does she come so often? Has your DH actually invited her?

Make her stay less enjoyable, stop going out of your way to get all of the favourite foods in etc

He needs to be the one dealing with this. She’s his mother.
So another DH problem?

How long has this being going on? Do you have children? What does your DH think? Why not all bung in and stay with her- and don't pay for a thing!

To be honest he adores his mum and I would never want to bring it up. She has been a really great mother to him and has been with him through all the highs and lows of his life. Because they are so close I feel like I can’t say anything against her. I wouldn’t class him as a mummy’s boy but he just really loves her. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. :(

Why on earth do you think anything will change if you dont say anything to him?! Can you mix it up by suggesting you go and stay with her next month as surely the same will apply and she will pick up the bill when you go out 🤔

I know I really do need to talk to him I’m just so apprehensive and know I need to tread carefully. I think I will say something when she leaves tomorrow x

Why not change it so that alternate months you visit her except you don’t go up to her for as long, then you can start missing some visits. Take it from there.

You’re perfectly within your right so say that you love your MIL and enjoy seeing her but feel that once a month for the entire weekend is a bit much. Especially given the financial strain and focus. Maybe if she visit for the day, or one overnight or every fortnight, but a long weekend every four weeks is too much.

Difficult OP
I don't understand why she doesn't pay for anything?
Unless you are financially comfortable?
She has been a good mum to your husband and maybe he sees this as a way of acknowledgement

That’s a good idea , I don’t really want to stay with her to be honest but I think I will talk to my husband about maybe just him going to see her.

Could you break the routine a bit by YOU going away when she's coming? Go and stay with a friend or just have some time by yourself. When your DH has to do all the work and the paying he might see more clearly when you raise the subject of her coming a bit less frequently.

This was my DM only it wasn't every month. She would only eat certain things that we wouldn't usually eat. She expected to eat out and be treated. And she never helped or spent time with my DS.

But I knew she would be like this because she always expected the best of everything on someone's else dime and I wanted to try and give her and my DS a relationship.

You will have to tell your DH that this cannot go on.

I’m really not sure why she doesn’t , we aren’t that financially comfortable. We both work full time and do have a bit of disposable income however I’d rather be spending our disposable income on other things than meals and food for her every single month. I think you’re absolutely right he sees it as acknowledgement of that and wants to treat her which is why I’m finding all this quite tricky as I can’t argue with the fact she’s been an amazing mother to him.

She’s nice to me and is a nice lady but she grates on me

You don’t really think she’s ‘nice’ though, do you?

If you’re unhappy with this arrangement, then you discuss it with your DH. But be prepared for him to be annoyed with you, if he is so close to his mother.

This will only get worse if you do not agree on reasonable boundaries with your DH. It is also not great that you seem to be so nervous about talking to him about it.

I would definitely want DH to understand that while it is a truly lovely thing to be close to his mum and to appreciate all she has done for him, the primary relationship (between you, him and any kids) needs to take priority (and importantly, he needs to know that you feel secure in this). That is not to say that your MIL should not visit your home or that you should not be kind and caring towards her, since it is also your DH's home, but that it needs to happen in a way that keeps within agreed boundaries.

How long has this been going on?

Every other month, he goes to visit her with he children. She's staying far too long as well. 1 or 2 overnight stay is enough. I don't like any guests staying in my house for more than 2 nights, even if I like them.

Have you got children, OP?
I’m in a fairly similar situation. However, I live in a different country to my parents. They never put their hands in their pockets when they come here, but the same is for us when we go there.
They also arrive with bags full of clothes and gifts for the children so they’re very generous.

Sockdays

Why are you tolerating this?
Tell your husband go and visit her, much cheaper.
She is using you as a free weekend.
One hour away?
Not normal.
Put your foot down.
If he pushes back, rethink your marriage because you have made a mistake.
Do not have children with such a man.

First post wins angriest poster- putting the foot down doesn’t do anything except for cause problems in a marriage but you do need to talk to him and figure it out, it is too much!!