To not want my mother in law to stay every month

[Autumnspicecandleleaves]

My mother in law stays over every single month without fail, usually towards the end of the month. She arrives Friday morning and leaves Monday sometimes Tuesday morning. She lives an hour away. When she’s here she doesn’t pay for anything, every month when she’s here we go out to eat because that’s her favourite thing to do but it’s started really grating on me that she doesn’t pay for a single thing and I know once a month isn’t a lot for her to visit but it really feels like it. She’s got lots of disposable income. Lives in a nice house and goes on holiday 6+ times a year.

When she’s here we get all the food she likes to making sure she has her favourite breakfast lunch dinner pudding snacks etc. She’s nice to me and is a nice lady but she grates on me. I should look forward to seeing her but I never do.

I feel like a bad person for getting annoyed with her. Does anyone have a similar experience ? Thank you x

I think it depends on how much of the work lands on you. If you were happy with the arrangement, no problem but if you have to do the extra shopping, cooking, laundering, hosting etc and you don’t particularly enjoy the arrangement then I can see how it would annoy you. Hopefully DH does most of it.

Suggest he visits her

I'm sure there's some jobs she'd like him to do

So what if she was an amazing mother?

Doesn't mean she needs repaying for it

Take the opportunity to have a weekend away with your friends every now and then and leave them to it.

I wouldn’t be tolerating this. It’s too much. Suggest you alternate visits, and he goes alone to stay with her.

Sounds like you and your husband need to have a conversation about budget management, where this is one component.

I think pp’s suggestion of alternating months , and possibly phasing out your joining them at hers, is a good one.
No matter how lovely a mother she has been - and remember , that was her job- you don’t need to be tying up long weekends, doing things you’d rather not do.

Does your DH ever take her out, or away, just the two of them? Maybe it’s time he did.

Why does she stay over if she only lives an hour away?

I live about 90 - 120 minutes away from my DC door to door. I still travel on the train to visit them and return home. I am in my sixties and have mobility issues.

Yes to DH visiting her every other month. But also, could you arrange to meet her somewhere halfway for lunch? Or she visits you but doesn’t stay over?

It’s pretty weird tbh

I have no advice really, there is not the tiniest chance I'd have allowed this to happen. By the second visit, I'd have been done with that shit and told my husband I was done with that shit.

I just don't understand half the people on mumsnet.

I'd start making solo plans for when she's due over. Your dh obviously likes having his mum to stay and is happy to accomodate her. That's up to him and their relationship is theirs to manage.
There's nothing saying you have to be there throughout her visit or shop for and cook her favourite foods. You can let dh see to that while you spend time with a friend, pursuing a hobby, tick something off your to-do list, whatever.

Personally, I'd take the opportunity for me-time and return to the house for the dinner that dh has prepared, in a better and more tolerant frame of mind. Being forced to spend time in someone else's company is draining so take some time out and leave them to it.

Your dh won't mind...will he?

I'd find it too much!! Would probably start to dread it!! 😂
Agree with suggestions that you go out/away with friends and leave DH to it.
You shouldn't be constantly picking up the tab for her visits either!

Do you have children OP? I can’t tell from the thread if you do.
If you don’t have children then it is far easier to make yourself unavailable for these visits - leave them to your DH. Also talk to your DH and tell him he needs to start visiting her.

I could not stand these visits, work full time and manage children every month. Either way it isn’t sustainable.

I think I'd just do regular food and no expensive treats. I'd say, "We're not eating out for a few months now as we were shocked to realise how much we were spending." If she wants to treat you to a meal or treats, that's fine.

So many questions!

Who goes food shopping?
Who cooks?
Who cleans the house for her arrival?
Who books the restaurant?
Who pays the bill?
Don't you have family you can visit when mil comes?
Why doesn't he visit her on his own?
Why don't you make other plans for yourself?

Opened this thread with some trepidation, because I stay with DS and DIL often…

But, they live abroad; I pay for meals when we go out; I look after my grandson so they can have time as a couple.

Your MIL maybe doesn’t understand that it’s costing you extra for her to stay. Is the money the main source of irritation for you? If it is, talk it through with your husband. If they have a close relationship, she may be upset to think that may be the case.

Could your DH suggest that you don’t go out because you can’t really afford it? It’ll mean he has to cook for her (his mum after all!), but she may start to realise that her visits aren’t cheap for you.

100% agree with her visting every second months and your DH visiting her on the alternate ones.

It's far too often to stay 3 days every month. I'd be dreading it.

The OP isn't particularly well off, yet every month the cost of wining and dining her comfortably off MIL comes out of what they have.

If she is that fab a mother, let him visit her and let him spent from his disposal income.

One weekend in 4, to expect to be put up every month is completely unreasonable and excessive.

Going to visit his mother would solve this.
I think it indicates something not right with a marriage to feel you can't say that one weekend in 4 is simply too much.

I think he sounds extremely presumptuous to expect this to be ok, a bit like his mother actually.

I would be most concern that you feel you have to tread carefully.
Does not bode well at all for your relationship.
Beware of huge resentment in a relationship where you have to suck up too much and tread carefully around a partner.

Apologies if your DMum is not around but ...
What about your mother? When does she come for a long weekend? How does your DH entertain her?
My DMum lives overseas so we are not able to host her on a weekend. Talk to your DH about spacing these every 6 weeks (to coincide with school holidays or not).

When your DH's mum comes to visit, turn that to your advantage - if she's eating her favourite foods, leave her home with your DCs so you and DH can have some 'couple time'. If you're taking her out to dinner, bring home leftovers so that the next night she can eat these whilst you and DH have 'couple time'. Your DH can tell her how much he values time to reconnect with you b/c she is looking after the DCs...

An hour away isn't even that far really, it certainly doesn't warrant unwanted 3/4 night stays a month.
I would suggest to your hubby that she can stay a weekend every 3 months and in the mean time it's a visit for a few hours.
Next time she stays, make it less enjoyable for her.

She's setting the scene for gradually moving in on you when she can no longer cope in her own house.

I am guessing that this must be cultural expectations, otherwise why would you put up with it? I live an hour away from one of my children. It is a day trip not a weekend visit.You don’t have to put up with it. You need to speak to your husband. If your husband is unwilling to stop her staying so often then you go out when she comes and don’t go out of your way to buy things she likes to eat. I also think she should pay when you go out. If we stay with anyone, we always pay to take them out for a nice meal as a thank you for staying.

She saving on heating/lighting and food for 3-4 days every month, and in addition being waited on hand and foot by the sound of it, however I agree rather than trying to stop visits it might be more diplomatic to suggest you alternate visits.

Why are you scared of having this conversation with your DH?

He needs to see her in her home more frequently.

What a weird lady, she’s taking over your time and space and wants to be treated. Very off putting. Tell your husband to go visit her. You can’t be the hand maiden to madame every month anymore and your done. How ungrateful too for just taking and not showing ant gratitude at all. Greedy witch

Do you think she runs out of money at the end of the month, rather than wanting to see you all?

If it isn't so much the money it costs taking her out but also that it is a burden having her, try sending her a hamper towards the end of the month and see what happens. It could work out a little cheaper.