To not want my mother in law to stay every month

[Autumnspicecandleleaves]

My mother in law stays over every single month without fail, usually towards the end of the month. She arrives Friday morning and leaves Monday sometimes Tuesday morning. She lives an hour away. When she’s here she doesn’t pay for anything, every month when she’s here we go out to eat because that’s her favourite thing to do but it’s started really grating on me that she doesn’t pay for a single thing and I know once a month isn’t a lot for her to visit but it really feels like it. She’s got lots of disposable income. Lives in a nice house and goes on holiday 6+ times a year.

When she’s here we get all the food she likes to making sure she has her favourite breakfast lunch dinner pudding snacks etc. She’s nice to me and is a nice lady but she grates on me. I should look forward to seeing her but I never do.

I feel like a bad person for getting annoyed with her. Does anyone have a similar experience ? Thank you x

Next time she comes go out with your friends and let Dh look after his mum

Stop going out when she comes and tell her you’re cutting back. Tell her you are having to budget as things are tight

I feel abit different about this to some others. I’d be ok with it as its once a month and they/you are close. However, I’d bring up paying for the meal as that’s a monthly cost I’m sure you’d rather not pay and ask her to contribute. I’d also have normal things around for her to eat at home rather than getting in special things. So I’d be ok with it, but set some boundaries.

Is there a fil? My mum would have liked to push herself on my life like this but I wouldn't allow it. It sounds too enmeshed, it is not unreasonable to reduce the monthly freeloading, husband can go to her. As pp have said stop being available and so amenable. Mil sounds extremely selfish.

Once a month comes around really quickly doesn’t it.

I hope your DP can be reasonable.

Although you don't want to upset DH, I do think you should talk about this because it's bothering you. It's only right that he takes turns and goes to see his mum on his own every other month imo. Eating out every month is a luxury, am pretty sure that I'd love it too though if someone else was paying!

I wouldn’t have a big conversation about it as he is close to him mum and like you say she has been very good to him.

What I would do is suggest that you get involved on the main day of the weekend she is there but then give them some ‘time together’. Could you mix it up a bit and go to the pictures together or something that you want to do too.

Then I would plan something perhaps every other month that you have on and maybe her could go to her and try to get it to every other month.

I know some people are saying it’s a lot but I have my MIL round twice a week and she comes on holiday with us twice a year (that’s a lot):-)

When does your mum come over OP? Can you go stay with her when MiL comes over? Seems unfair that it’s only his mum getting all the perks!

Could you not suggest alternative months and then you could go to hers for tea and treats 6 times out of 12

I got what I eat when my mum came three hours on a coach , her husband little worm! Asked have you got brown bread? No because I don't eat it? Have I got brown sauce? No because I don't use it? Have you got beer? No we only drink lager! Have you got weetabix? No we only eat shreddies! It's my house not a restaurant was my answer! If you want your choice bring it! Say that to your MIL it's your house if she wants to eat out go out! Want different food bring it! Reduce availability gradually she might not come if you stop being accommodating.

@Autumnspicecandleleaves Could you mention to her that you're struggling to host her so often? Would she take the hint?

Why don’t you start making plans on the weekend she’s due and leave him to entertain her? Maybe if you saw less of her over the visit it would annoy you less

OP, did you speak to your husband?

This would massively grate on me too. I totally understand how you feel because it feels unjust to have negative feelings toward a nice person but I think it’s normal to find your partners family a little grating sometimes. Having to deal with their family dynamics can be hard. She is also really taking the mick here. I’m afraid your husband is going to have to step up and create a boundary here. You have to speak to him,
a partnership is about having these tough conversations sometimes, if you do nothing all that will happen is resentment will build and you will feel more and more annoyed.

UPDATE - Thank you everyone for all your great advice it really helped me ! - I spoke to him and it went better than I’d hoped for. I explained to him exactly how I was feeling and he said he wishes I’d spoke to him sooner. He also reflected that he’d been feeling a bit socially drained by the frequent visits too and that because she is a great mother and always has been he felt guilty saying no. We’ve decided that we are going to cut down her visits every few months and he’s going to drive down to see her when he wants to. I feel like a weights been lifted ! Thank you so much everyone again x

I always wonder how these arrangements come about on mumsnet where I think I wouldn't even do that once let alone every month.

Why is someone who lives an hour away staying for 3-4 nights. Most people's commute is around a hour, that they, y'know, do every day.

You're going to have to grow a pair and point out how weird and unnecessary this is. The visits and the meals out are both absolutely barmy, I don't know where to start.

Thank you for the update, OP!
Sounds like a good solution for all of you.

I think it's good for my husband to spend time alone with his mum, or at least without me, and encourage him to spend either time alone with her or with some/all of his siblings. You say your husband adores his mother so they'd probably love that time together and I imagine the conversations would be quite different. I know when my husband sees his mum without me they talk about a whole lot of stuff that the three of us would never chat about.

Aww, that's a nice update @Autumnspicecandleleaves

That's a very positive update, OP. Best wishes to all of you.

That’s a great ending. I’m really happy for you and sounds like you have a keeper. Good luck

Because DIL buys all her favourite things and makes her stay quite lovely

Stop getting in all her favourite things… or buy Aldi’s own… tell her you can’t afford to buy extra food and she’s welcome to bring her own if there is anything else she’d like to eat while staying….’
Don’t eat out… you and DH need to say ‘sorry we can’t afford to eat out every-time you come down’….

if it were me and I liked my MIL I’d be welcoming her on te terms she paid for the meal out… and ate what we eat indoors.

That's a great update, OP. Just make sure he doesn't blame you to her when she inevitably asks why she's being invited less often.

I agree @WhatWouldRoyKentSay, I think it’s very healthy to spend time with your parent(s) without your partner.