Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

20 year age gap!

95 replies

Lulumush · 01/11/2025 23:40

I'm 53. Two kids in mid teens. Been single for 10 years for various reasons.

I've shut down the sexual side of myself to care for my kids and get through the pandemic and subsequent ill health from stress and work.

I've done online dating for years on and off with no success.

Two major life changes have almost just happened in the last 4 weeks without my conscious action

I'm leaving my 25 year career to do something different. Sick of the politics and corporate bollocks. Lawyers involved.

I went on a walking holiday without kids - first hols alone for 10 years- and connected with a man 20 years older than me.

I fancy him. We got on brilliantly. First man to make me laugh and with whom I felt a connection for bloody years. Loads in common. He asked for my number on the last day and we've spoken three times this week. Wants to meet up for walk, dinner and probably more in a few weeks. I like everything about him. No red flags. Family man with 4 grown up kids. Divorced. Just lovely.

I'm 💯 confused. What do.i do. He's far to old isn't he? Should I friendzone him? Or meet him and see how things progress? I know he finds me attractive as he's made it very clear on the phone this week.

Help! Part of me wants to use this time to challenge myself. I want / need some joy in my life both professionally and personally.

Thoughts welcome.

OP posts:
NewPinkJacket · 01/11/2025 23:42

Friendzone him.

He's 73 for goodness sake, unless you're looking at becoming a free carer in the future.

DoAWheelie · 01/11/2025 23:43

You can have fun for a few months without tying yourself to this man. Enjoy yourself a bit and and when it stops being good for you, let him go. Just be upfront that you just want something casual.

TheUsualChaos · 01/11/2025 23:50

Depends what you want out of it I suppose. But long term this is only heading one way isn't it? He's already into his 70s. My FIL changed dramatically from around that age to 80.

LameBorzoi · 01/11/2025 23:53

Can you keep it casual? It sounds like you are heading into a time of freedom. Him, on the other hand - most people I know seem to get "old" in mid - late 70s / early 80s.

Sometimeswinning · 01/11/2025 23:59

My dh got old and grumpy in his 50s so go for it! I mean luckily I love him and he was always a little bit grumpy anyway!

Fancying someone isn’t it. It’s suppose to be fun. Ignore the being a carer for life. I’m sure he has support outside of you!

Original poster
Lulumush · 01/11/2025 23:59

I want friendship and sex and laughter! Definitely casual. But I worry that I could cause hurt.

OP posts:
DoAWheelie · 02/11/2025 00:14

Lulumush · 01/11/2025 23:59

I want friendship and sex and laughter! Definitely casual. But I worry that I could cause hurt.

As long as you are both honest about what you want and how you are feeling it should be fine. Communication is key.

Laughuntilyoucry · 02/11/2025 00:48

For heavens sake. Life is short. Enjoy your time with this man. Give it a chance, see where it progresses.

DramaAlpaca · 02/11/2025 00:53

Go for it. My lovely, divorced SIL has recently met a man of a similar age to your fella, she's around ten years younger than he is and she's having a great time with him. I'm really happy for her.

LameBorzoi · 02/11/2025 01:21

You have to be prepared to put your boundaries ahead of him being hurt. It's very easy to be drawn into being a carer in this situation, and it sounds as if you are just climbing out of the frying pan.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/11/2025 01:31

Lulumush · 01/11/2025 23:59

I want friendship and sex and laughter! Definitely casual. But I worry that I could cause hurt.

Just be clear with him what you want. I'm sure you're great but you're a woman he liked from holiday, not the one true love of his life.

WaryHiker · 02/11/2025 02:09

Bracing myself for the shrieks of ageism and stories of posters married to 90-year-olds, who still do it five times a day, I would just point out that you said you want sex. You're far less likely to have a satisfying sex life with a man in his seventies who is twenty years older than you than if you chose someone your own age. That's just a biological reality.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/11/2025 02:15

I wouldn't want to be in a serious r/s with someone 20 years older... But if you're completely upfront... It's up to him whether he wants to get involved I think?

I definitely wouldn't move in with him/share household or anything that implies you'd be his carer.

I'm a few years older than you... I couldn't imagine being with a bloke of 80! (20 years older than me!)... To me, I'd be waiting for various bits to drop off!

shhblackbag · 02/11/2025 02:16

Just be honest with him. Have some fun!

LetsGoForLevel · 02/11/2025 02:22

Go for it and report back. I am ten years younger than you and think most men of any age tend to be a big dissapppintment. - on the other hand, i can think of 1 75 year old who v handsome (married and very hard of hearing so no)..
I am 98% sure it will be a disappointment but equally .........why not?

Original poster
Lulumush · 02/11/2025 08:15

Thanks so much for all your replies. You're all so right about how to handle. I should also mention he's not a stereotypical 70 year old - he's a serious mountain walker and recently sailed back from Lisbon to the UK alone!! He's talking about walking some of the GR10 in Corsica together too.
However I am.under no illusion that this is going to be a long term thing. I think that was the concern for me.
Having said that i will.need to speak to him about this before we meet i think. He rang last night and is talking about meeting up for a walk somewhere hilly and then taking me out for dinner/ hotel. My heart missed a beat slightly as of course my mind immediately jumped to sleeping arrangements and hoes that going to work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulumush · 02/11/2025 08:17

DoAWheelie · 02/11/2025 00:14

As long as you are both honest about what you want and how you are feeling it should be fine. Communication is key.

Show quote history

Any advice on how to broach?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lulumush · 02/11/2025 08:19

WaryHiker · 02/11/2025 02:09

Bracing myself for the shrieks of ageism and stories of posters married to 90-year-olds, who still do it five times a day, I would just point out that you said you want sex. You're far less likely to have a satisfying sex life with a man in his seventies who is twenty years older than you than if you chose someone your own age. That's just a biological reality.

It's a fair point and it does worry me. The trouble is he's woken up some very dormant feelings in me!

OP posts:
GrannyTeapot · 02/11/2025 08:27

Well, my absolutely lovely DP is twenty four years older than me. He’d been single for years before we got together. He’s still very fit, very active, looks at the world with curiosity, and I consider myself blessed to have had the years together we’ve already had and I very much hope we’ll have a few more still to come!
He treats me far more respectfully, and as an equal partner, than previous exes that were my age.

You never know what life will bring, being open to possibilities is never a bad thing.

Original poster
Lulumush · 02/11/2025 08:32

GrannyTeapot · 02/11/2025 08:27

Well, my absolutely lovely DP is twenty four years older than me. He’d been single for years before we got together. He’s still very fit, very active, looks at the world with curiosity, and I consider myself blessed to have had the years together we’ve already had and I very much hope we’ll have a few more still to come!
He treats me far more respectfully, and as an equal partner, than previous exes that were my age.

You never know what life will bring, being open to possibilities is never a bad thing.

How old are you, out of interest?

OP posts:
Bellvu · 02/11/2025 08:36

You’re overthinking this - you’ve not even be on the date yet. If it feels good, and he’s a good man, then go for it and see what comes of it. Life’s short, you only get one shot at it - who knows if/when you feel this attraction and connection again?!

Ladamesansmerci · 02/11/2025 08:40

I wouldn't be in a relationship with him because of the worrying of ending up his carer, but if you're just looking for a friend with benefits, go for it 🤷 just be clear with him about what you want.

sittingonabeach · 02/11/2025 08:42

Are you a similar age to his DC?

MajorMerrick · 02/11/2025 08:42

I’m torn, on one hand I think, go for it, be up front and have some fun. On the other hand I know how much my own dad has changed in the last 10yrs, he’s 83 and as he had my sister at age 20, I can’t see their age difference as anything other than massive. I cannot see my 63yo, fit, heathy, fun loving sister with an old man like my dad, as lovely as he is.

Original poster
Lulumush · 02/11/2025 08:46

@sittingonabeachno I'm 53 and they are in their 30s.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread