20 year age gap!

[Lulumush]

I'm 53. Two kids in mid teens. Been single for 10 years for various reasons.

I've shut down the sexual side of myself to care for my kids and get through the pandemic and subsequent ill health from stress and work.

I've done online dating for years on and off with no success.

Two major life changes have almost just happened in the last 4 weeks without my conscious action

I'm leaving my 25 year career to do something different. Sick of the politics and corporate bollocks. Lawyers involved.

I went on a walking holiday without kids - first hols alone for 10 years- and connected with a man 20 years older than me.

I fancy him. We got on brilliantly. First man to make me laugh and with whom I felt a connection for bloody years. Loads in common. He asked for my number on the last day and we've spoken three times this week. Wants to meet up for walk, dinner and probably more in a few weeks. I like everything about him. No red flags. Family man with 4 grown up kids. Divorced. Just lovely.

I'm 💯 confused. What do.i do. He's far to old isn't he? Should I friendzone him? Or meet him and see how things progress? I know he finds me attractive as he's made it very clear on the phone this week.

Help! Part of me wants to use this time to challenge myself. I want / need some joy in my life both professionally and personally.

Thoughts welcome.

My DH is 17 years older than me and I love my life with him. Mumsnet cracks me up with the constant harping on about becoming a carer😂. That could happen at any age due to illness or injury. If someone makes you happy then age has got sweet fuck all to do with it. @GrannyTeapot loved your post😊

This.

He sounds great. Absolutely pursue this relationship. My parents had such a happy marriage - he was over 20 years older than her, and a widower with two boys when they met. They went on and had me and we all had a lovely life. He was a country man, very into fishing, walking etc. and I got my love of nature from him. Ironically my mum died before dad. He died at the age of 90 and was only ill for a couple of weeks beforehand.

Life is short, how often do you meet someone interesting that you feel a genuine connection with? Go for it

Age is just a number, its how you approach life, my MIL is 62 and barely does anything because her back hurts and she has arthritis, my nan will be 80 next year has fibromyalgia, emphysema, arthritis, also having issues with collapsed vertebrae and polymyalgia and has just been on a week long country and western holiday where i have no doubt she was on the dance floor lol there is nearly 20 years between my MIL and nan but my nan has more zest for life than MIL- nothing to to with age xx

Nothing wrong with it at all, but you need to go into the situation with the certainty that the older partner will likely get old, need some degree of care and die whilst the other is still relatively young.

Of course there is always the possibility of it being the other way round, but that's possibility not certainty.

To that end you need to do some forward planning, how will you both cope with that emotionally, practically and financially.

Be upfront that you just want something casual then see how it goes.
Im surprised no one else has uttered the phrase nurse with a purse so I’ll drop this in now. Of course he’s attracted to you but he’s not likely to be what you want or need long term.
I dated someone much older than me and it was fun to start with, then the age difference became an issue when I realised just how stuck in his ways he was. He was planning his retirement and I’m a very long way off that. I didn’t develop feelings as something in my gut was telling me it wasn’t going to be right for me. So I ended it kindly. But it was fine while it lasted. Go in with this approach.

@Brightbluesomething don't worry a friend of mine irl uttered those words to me!! I'm not looking for something long term. I want to have fun and enjoy his company, do stuff together if we decide we want to but with no strings attached. I do not see this developing into a relationship for the reasons you say. And I have no intention of becoming a carer when I've got two teenagers and a dad with Alzheimers down the road!!

You can probably get friendship and laughter but I’m not sure about sex

Yes, it could happen at any age of course. But it is very fair to say the chances significantly increase as we age. Older people aren't generally known for their health to stay constant. And certainly something as simple as a fall (which would have minimal affect at the age of 50) can have very bad consequences. I'm in my late sixties and although outwardly I look pretty good for my age, things are starting to go wrong. To say that age has "fuck all to do with it" is like saying that sugar has no impact on diabetes.

You regret more the things you don't do. What is the worst that can happen?
Go for it and fill your boots.

Thanks all. Like I said - he's great and even if this ends up being a friendship I'll be happy as we have a lot in common, he makes me laugh and I just like him.

Sex would be the cherry on the cake 🎂

@TodaRythmI intend to 😆

My husband is nearly 15 years older than me and he's the best man I know. Age is a number. Just try it out, you're not marrying him! Have coffee, go for a walk and dinner

This ^
It’ll catch up with him and then if you’ve gotten serious you’ll end up living like brother and sister. You’ll be running around like his mother, housekeeper & thence probably nurse.
How he looks naked might also put you off? Give you the ick?
Nah, don’t go there.

Age is always 'just a number' when it's the man who's much older.

If age is so irrelevant, why is nobody on this thread talking about how they're the older partner in their relationship but it's all going swimmingly?

Go for it. If, as people are suggesting, he is no longer able to sustain erections (that's what everyone is insinuating, let's face it) that doesn't remotely mean he wouldn't be an otherwise exciting and satisfying lover. Most decent lovers find ways to please their partner even when their penis doesn't work as well as it used to.

If you were after something longterm I'd be slightly more reticent in advising you crack on, but only slightly. As you're up for friendship and fun, go for it. Enjoy yourself. I'm sure he will too!

He's obviously fit for 73 if he's going on walking holidays. You clearly like him, so why not seem him again but take things slowly?

Ffs these posts that are always bin them he's 73 or whatever.

I am 49 DH is 73. He's 74 in March. I am just 49

Until you are in the position and meet someone and get on great etc etc you can't really comment. I can't comment on someone being with a younger man I've not experienced it so wouldn't say urgh he's too young bin him 🤷

As has been pointed out before, there have been people with part ers of the same age that they still end up caring for.

I am the happiest in my relationship that I have ever been. We get on great, we have fun, we love each other, we work together, we have great sex.

I've probably always liked older men but never had a gap anywhere near this big. But I didn't set out to look for this. It just happened. We fell in love and that was that. So as for becoming a carer. If we were the same age I'd still care for him if I had to because I love him.

Can you just take each day as it comes OP and have some fun and see?

All my female friends who are looking for love in their 50s say that men their age are definitely not looking at women in their 50s. Most men are pretty shallow and are looking for a younger model. So maybe 73 is a bit old, but hey give it a whirl, at least he won't leach off you financially.

The men may be looking for 'younger models' but that doesn't mean they'll succeed. Men in their 50s really are not attractive to young women. The idea that a woman has no choice but to go for someone two decades older is patronising.

He sounds like a nice man and someone you could have fun with, so I’d just go along and see what happens. If things progress or the subject comes up, you could say you’re not looking for anything serious. But for now I think you’re getting ahead of yourself. Just enjoy the day.

I would go on the walk and dinner date. However I would pass on the hotel invitation. Get to know him first.

We have the same age gap. I’m younger. He’s been a carer for me twice due to very long periods of severe illness. I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for him. We have a blast together.

Edit to add: We’ve been together 10 years, married now, very happy. Autocorrect had that as “very hairy” first time round 😆

This. There’s no rush with the hotel etc

If it lasts 2 months or a year and you've both had a ball, just accept it and enjoy it.