To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

This is absolutely batshit and controlling.

Would it be better for them to be sat scrolling alone in their rooms instead? What’s so shocking about a family Sunday lunch!

Wow, how sad are you OP that you have to blackmail people to have dinner with you?

Why is the alternative scrolling on their phones? They might want to make their own dinner plans, go out somewhere else etc.

No, but it might be better for them to be writing an essay, going to the gym, seeing friends…

We've come to a sad state as a society when dinner with one's relatives is described as a "performance" where everybody has to clap and jump. His aunt is trying to teach him some useful lessons in socialization and politeness by having him sit down at a dinner, eat with a knife and fork, contribute a dish and also conversation, and basically act like a civilized human being for one hour out of the week. I'm all in favor of it.

Shrug.
His being a student is his problem. If he thought he could put one over on his aunt, he's got another think coming, eh?

She said this is at least the second generation where this deal is available to family members, as it was started by her husband's parents, and that more than a dozen people have found it amenable. If this particular nephew doesn't think it's a bargain, he is free to move on and spend his cash on rent, elsewhere.

Insulting the OP or insinuating that she is some sort of weird cult leader is so completely stunted and immature.

I would love to have a Sunday dinner cooked for me every week but do you not feel weird and awkward having people for dinner who don't want to be there, and who are only there because they are forced to be?

Everyone nattering on with bullshit like "transactional" and "imbalance of power" and all that nonsense: do none of you hold jobs? pay a mortage to a lender or rent to a landlord? attend classes? run a small business?

as an employee, a renter, a customer, a consumer there are laws and regulations in place to ensure that individuals are treated fairly and not subject to inappropriate conditions or required to consent to certain requirements because the law recognises the power imbalance of those relationships which can lead to the vitiating of consent /contract

Exactly.
And it's a lot better than the chaotic, dysfuncational, sloppy, spendthrift and broken families we read about so often on Mumsnet. This is a superior, thinking family that is trying to foster relationships and connections.

Actually I think the OP said that they prefer to go out, and if that's what they want to do I'd let them do it. I presume that they're adults?

Totally unreasonable to think the forced attendance at your table when they'd rather be doing something else, but you hold financial power is something worth having.
Why on earth are you so desperate for these peoples company you would even think of attaching this as a condition?
Truthfully, this is one of the oddest things I've heard of and I can only imagine how strange they think you are, but go along with it for the free digs.
Wouldn't you rather have lunch with people who wanted your company?

It's not Sunday lunch though @ExcitingRicotta . It's dinner. In the evening. And a lot of people like a quiet Sunday evening in preparation for the week ahead. They don't want a regular commitment, particularly one which they seemingly have no choice about.

If the agreement isn't mutually agreeable, the nephew is free to move on. No one is blackmailing anyone. It's not as though her privately owned caravan is the only accommodation in town, or the nephew has a burning need to live in that particular caravan.

Then why MAKE the commitment in the first place? The nephew is free to live and rent anywhere he sees fit.

He's not a dog that needs to be trained.

It’s not fostering, it’s forcing!

I don't think its that weird to request this.

They're basically OP's guests. If I am invited to a friend's or a family's home for a visit and they say we're cooking dinner for you, it would be pretty rude to ignore them and not turn up to dinner.
Of course when you're hosting guests, at your expense, it is reasonable to expect some social interaction from them during their stay. Usually over dinner.

Because so many people seem to be missing the value of a regular family meal.

What a peculiar request. I don't think it's reasonable to make a charge on people's time. You're allowing them to stay, fair enough, but I don't think you should expect that of them.

Lack of finances?

Inviting someone to Sunday lunch and letting them know that they’re always welcome is lovely and generous. I’d imagine that many people would find it appealing and would attend much of the time. Demanding that they attend every Sunday or face eviction is not kind or generous. It’s weird and controlling. The very opposite of welcoming and yes it would be preferable to be allowed to do your own thing and not attend what must be a very awkward and uncomfortable occasion knowing that at least one guest has been practically blackmailed into attending.

What you are imposing effectively writes off Sunday which people are usually free to dispose of in whatever way they like. It would severely restrict me if I had to do this. Just seems a weird hill to die on. Why force them? I understand it's your property therefore your rules but I think that's Lording it over people because you are wealthy. I would intensely dislike you if you treated me like this. I'd feel that at the end of a hard week I should be able to do what the hell i want and not be treated like a child. In fact, in real life I would have marking to do and lessons to plan.

Irrespective of whether anyone else thinks your rule is weird or unreasonable @TipJarTroubadours, that’s the deal, the contract, the agreement and I personally think it’s not much to ask at all, I would back you all the way.

I can kind of understand that the weekly shared meal underscores and symbolises the family bond.
You are providing something for free because they are family, and you expect some commitment to that family relationship in return. Attendance at the meal spending time with you is their commitment to the family bond. Yours is providing free accommodation. And the meal!

It's not how I would do it but I actually think it's probably healthy. It's based on family bonds of commitment and duty to each other, above the individualistic view of just doing what you want.
But it's very much against the individualistic culture which is why you're getting a hard time.