To expect Sunday Dinner as the agreement?

[TipJarTroubadours]

Small details changed but the short of it is:

1. We allow people to stay in self contained accommodation for 'free'
2. The only 'cost' is attendance to Sunday dinner
3. Aibu to refuse to let someone stay (or charge them market rent) if they don't attend dinner

The long of it is

DH and I own a residential static caravan site. It has been in DH family a long time. It has great transport links to a major city.

We allow close family/friends to stay rent free whilst they attend uni in the city/start a new job. We have had 15 different people over the years, some for six months, the longest five years.

Currently house DS and nephew who are both at uni and DHs best friends daughter and her partner who has just started an apprenticeship. All four attend Sunday dinner, as have the 15 beforehand.

(For those that are interested, I cook the meal and then they take turns to make/buy a pudding and wash up (most goes in the dishwasher) I have had one with severe allergies who used to bring their own food, and one that was fussy so I used to make them beans on toast every Sunday. )

My sister's son has been living with us since September, I was very clear on the rules- it might seem odd but for a 10k saving a year I expect attendance at one meal a week.- they both knew about this.
Since starting he has attended one, preferring to go to the pub/gym/game on a Sunday. It has been raised with him and we have said if he doesn't attend then we will charge him rent (we have other uni students renting although they are all mature)

I have gone to my parents for half term and have just met my sister and told her the same. My parents and her think I am completely unreasonable to ask him to attend Sunday dinner, I think they are completely unreasonable to expect me to house him for free after agreeing to my rules ( there are costs involved for me, utilities etc plus not being able to rent it out)

I've said he has to attend tomorrow or I will bill them from now until Christmas and if it isn't paid will evict at Christmas.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my nephew to do what he agreed to in return for accommodation? (I don't think I am, even if expecting to attend dinner is unreasonable, he has agreed to the terms, he could have just rented halls)

They have to wash up after 😄

Then don't take the free caravan, if the socialization has to be "forced."

Some people aren't so stunted and socially awkward that a weekly convivial dinner is anathema to them.

Nephew was entirely free to form this opinion and look elsewhere for his accommodation.

Do you think it's OK to accept the terms and then renege?

Blimey you love the idea of forcing people to spend time with you by offering them something they need. I mean you’re in a minority, as you can see but the way you’re fighting that it’s fine to force people to socialise with you isn’t really making you come across any better than the op.

OP rents to other people who aren't friends and family and there is no obligation for them to attend Sunday dinner. They are charged rent though. OP has said that she is happy for him to have the same terms and conditions as these non-family members so he can pay rent and not attend the Sunday evening dinner.

If neither of those options are acceptable to her nephew, he can find somewhere else to live.

If the OP was throwing convivial dinners there’d be no need to have to bribe people to attend.

Actually, @TipJarTroubadours - i get why people think this is strange but i get why it’s important to you as well. You’re sort of living communily (which i have done periodically) and it would be a normal practice to eat communily at least some of the time.

It’s asking very little of him and actually would probably require your nephew to think outside himself a bit and flex the related muscles.

I think you instinctively want to maintain at least that level of connection with someone who is living at such close quarters and it’s an appropriate acknowledgement on his part. You’re not being unreasonable in wanting him to honour the arrangement.

That said, eviction seems a bit drastic. Do you want to move directly to talking of eviction or might there be scope for him to offer some other in-kind acknowledgment of the free lodgings?

Did he agree with some sort of written contract?

You’re very much on OP’s side aren’t you, are you a friend😁. Do you not think the stipulation you have to eat dinner with her every single week just a bit odd? Why not mow the lawn or take the dog out or something more normal?

I'm not really sure why you asked as you seem resistant to any feedback that you're being unreasonable.

If you were to say one meal a week instead of mandating which one, or minimum one sunday dinner a month that would be far more reasonable. Earmarking every Sunday evening when people have friends, hobbies and other commitments is unreasonable in my opinion and leads to people being there through gritted teeth which surely defeats the purpose. That poor person knowing every sunday they'd be forced to eat beans on toast!

Exactly.

And lets not forget that those staying for free are probably in the oldest, dampest caravans on site.

Which the OP probably couldn't rent out anyway, without breaking the terms of her licence.

Well, her husband's family's licence.

No5ChalksRoad There is nothing generous about this level of compulsion

What if the situation were reversed??

"Am I BU? I agreed to continue a multi-generation family tradition, and get together with my aunt & uncle and other family each week, in exchange for a free private caravan including bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living area, close to my university.

I've been attending aunt's Sunday dinner every week but she has yet to provide the key to the caravan, and it's November already. I'm sleeping on my mate's sofa. AIBU to expect her to provide what we agreed upon?"

You're really not getting it are you.

Even your own mother and sister are aghast at your behaviour.

I think it's quite socially stunted to demand attendance from someone who doesn't want to come. If the point is to have a nice time together, what is achieved by making a 20 year old who'd rather be at the pub or gym with his friends come? Could you have a nice time as a hostess knowing that one guest feels compelled to come and doesn't want to be there? The thought of that makes me cringe. I love the idea of a nice family dinner, but making someone turn up every single week when they don't want to be there feels painful to me.

Tough. It's the deal he knowingly accepted.He can honour his committment, pay market rent or move out & pay market rent elsewhere.

OP you’ve been very clear however I think the request is incredibly controlling. However they know the deal

She's not demanding attendance from someone who doesn't want to come. She's demanding the rent money, because that someone reneged on the deal.

If he doesn't want to come, he shouldn't have taken the free accomodation. There are plenty of people who would see the weekly Sunday dinner as a good time.

When I help family out I tend not to impose conditions.

Anyway, life calls so this will probably be my last reply tonight, however I will update tomorrow as I hate it when threads are left hanging.

I am really glad I posted because it has helped. It is the posters that have spoken about intergenerational wealth and how unfair that it is, plus the vulnerability of being a tenant that have actually hardened my viewpoint.

As I have said we have tenants that really do deserve a break, but they have to pay rent (again because we are not a charity) nephew only had this chance by birth, if he isn't willing to be part of the family set up then he has to pay rent or move.

We both work and manage the site, and like all adults have to make choices. I was very clear with both my sister and nephew what the deal was, he can bring a friend if he wants, and as batshit as it seems to some, this is the rent for the caravan.

I do wonder why posters like to get so personally mean, but I guess that is the internet

🤣🤣 that was my first thought!!

so very very odd

No, if your nephew has signed a contract then he should stick to his side of it or expect the agreement to end. That's quite clear.
But it is hard for some of us to grasp your side of the contract. Is it that you feel that the people you offer free accommodation to, and who are living on your property, are being accepted into your extended family and therefore you want a personal relationship with them, and you want this to be symbolised by the weekly family get together? Otherwise, without the regular meeting, they are taking advantage of your generosity? You want a personal relationship with the people you are treating generously?

You don't think hundreds of pounds a month worth of free accommodation is generous, eh?

I'm not convinced this is real.
But if it is can you explain why you want them to have dinner with you every Sunday?

Excellent post.

@TipJarTroubadours read this, over and over, until it sinks in.