i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

This. Make plans for your weekend. Your Dh needs to look after them, not you.
Not your circus, not your monkeys

She is technically committing fraud if she's not declaring all of the income she receives from your husband to UC and the fact that you and your husband know about this means you're facilitating this. I'm very surprised you're studying law because you don't seem to have a clue about law at all.

@stepparent55 "my husbands ex technically is not committing fraud. (ofc she is) but legally she’s a single mum and entitled to a council house."

What? Of course she's technically committing fraud, based on what you said. Of course it looks different on paper to how it is in reality. That's why it's fraud.

Your husband is by the sounds of it facilitating it and benefitting from it. So are you as you live with him rent free and don't work. If you want to be a lawyer you need to both get out and get realistic.

This

@SmallestGnome weird, we basically just wrote the same thing. Didn't see yours first sorry.
OP I'm sorry I know you've decided to leave but you need to be very careful, and honest, about how you exit this marriage legally with the assets to which you're entitled

how is my husband benefiting from her gaining a council house? please make it make sense. how am i benefitting as i apparently live rent free. i pay all the other bills and im not working right now as its hard to find a job in between my daughters school times and my masters. not because i am benefiting in any way shape or form

I will be flamed but I always find it slightly odd when a couple with that many kids split - that at one stage they were confident enough in each other to bring four children into the world then to not make it work.

Probably wanted more benefits.

No she didn't. The situation was completely different. It started off with ex in a flat practically round the corner and new family in a 1 bed. It's now ex 3 hours away and dropping off the kids every weekend. The ex has made choices. She hasn't.

This is all based on what you said
Your husband got divorced but kept 100% of the legal entitlement to his large home and to his business. He is under no legal obligation, presently, to pay ex anything.

Do you agree that coming out of a divorce with 100% of the assets is a benefit?

You say this also suited his ex because it allowed her, fraudulently, to get a council house and benefits.

You said that although you pay some bills you wouldn't be able to afford to move out and get your own place, and don't have time to work. So living with him rent free also benefits you, no?

I had a friend who had 4 kids over about 6 years, things were rocky with her boyfriend from day one as his family didn’t take to her and he didn’t really stand up to them and she didn’t back down either.

I’m not sure why she kept having kids in such a short space of time, when they had so many arguments an and she was barely receiving any benefits if at all when she was with him so that was not the motivation in her case.

She was on maternity and he worked.

I suppose she figured they would be together forever despite their disagreements and her escalating tensions with his family . They split up when the youngest was about 2.

It takes a few sessions of mediation to put together a parenting plan and get it signed by a judge. It takes less than an hour and £20 to apply to CMS.

Your husband is CHOOSING this, and you're being taken for an utter fool!

@stepparent55
As other posters have said, this is your husband's doing.

They are HIS children, if he has custody of them it is HIS responsibility to ensure they are cared for, or heaven forbid, care for them himself.

Working all hours to pay inflated unreasonable levels of child maintenance isn't sustainable and he's being mugged off and in turn mugging you off!

As @boringbarbie said, HE can apply for a child maintenance order himself via CMS, to pay her what is legally due. He can apply himself for a child arrangements order to put in place a mutually agreed custody schedule.

There are absolutely no legitimate reason for him not to do these things, I expect he's doing it to avoid conflict with her but it's just not on!

All I keep thinking is those poor kids, a mother who palms them off, a father who works relentlessly and spends next to no time with them and is clearly unable to parent when he does if they trash the house and piss in the beds and rip curtains down as a regular occurrence in his care!

And then a step mother who resents them because she is being run ragged and coerced into taking care of them! Clearly you're a more decent person than either of their actual parents because you actually ARE looking after them, but who is actually loving and nurturing and PARENTING them?!

OP - the saying "what you allow is what will continue" is absolutely spot on here, as is a quote I heard recently "if you think someone is ruining your life, you're right, its you"

Only YOU have the power to improve your situation here, there are any number of ways you might do that... it does mean you might have to make some compromises or difficult decisions though!

Also, if they did divorce without getting a financial consent order in place, you do realise she can come after him at any time in the future to make a claim? And that will also have financial implications for you.

Your husband is very naive to think her not asking for anything in the divorce wont come back to bite him in the future..its irrelevant that he bought the house before they were married, it became a marital asset when they married and as it was their marital home she'd have a legal claim on it.

And I'm sorry to say you are also very naive as well to marry a man who hasnt had a financial order signed off.

Your husband sounds very weak but it sounds as though the ex is abusive so he's likely unable to know how to stand up to her.
Please get yourself and your child away from this toxicity!

Exactly this! You have said the children are neglected, your husband has done fuck all to help them and you've given him plenty of chances. Time to call and help those poor kids. You are the only adult who can help them right now. Xx

Why are they tearing down curtains and peeing in beds?? That’s not normal apart from a bit of bed wetting in under 6s. (Buy mattress protectors).

Your DH shouldn’t be leaving the washing up to you! If you can, buy a dishwasher or tell him the place needs to be tidy when you return, then start going away every third weekend or so. You need to talk to your DH.

Where is the Dad? Could you align the weekends so you get time off? Just a reminder that couples who are still together don’t get any time off, or at least not regular weekends!

By the way, maintenance is not taken into consideration for benefits entitlement so that £3000 she apparently gets won't affect her benefits either way. That bit isn't fraudulent.

This isn't correct. Maintenance isn't taken into consideration for universal credit. She's not committing benefit fraud. She did commit housing fraud but it's too late to do anything about that.

She IS committing benefit fraud as she must have declared that there were no marital assets to divide. I am willing to bet that half the value of a 4 bedroom flat is more than £16k which would make her ineligible for Universal Credit.

Gosh, he saw you coming!

It is if it’s spousal maintenance. Which some of the £3k (assuming £1k for the flat which I might have missed) must be as the op said the calculator said the CM should be lower.

either the ex is a fraud and is abusive to the ops dh who is too weak to stand up to her.

Or they’re in it together.

no one in their right mind hands over &3k to someone to neglect their kids who they describe as an alcoholic who doesn’t even clothe them and dumps them on the op. What peace is he keeping?!?

But she didn't get those assets. She doesn't have half the value of the flat so she's not committing fraud. She made weird decision not to pursue money she should have been owed but that doesn't mean it's a fraudulent claim.

It's not spousal maintenance, it will be considered child maintenance. Why would it be spousal maintenance? Just because it's higher than the legal CMS minimum doesn't mean it's not child maintenance.

It does, she can't just decide not to take what is legally hers, especially if op is correct there is no financial order in place which means she technically still owns 50%, that is either not declaring assets or deprivation of assets. And as op's husband is transferring 50% of the rental income to her it sounds very much like an active financial interest in the property.