i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

Well no shit you don't have enough space. There's 5 kids and one bedroom.

That’s the AIBU thread for you. Largely full of angry odd people who twist whatever you say. I’ve had threads on here arguing with people. It’s so strange how much of a barrage people get, and mainly posters jumping to incorrect conclusions. Take it with a pinch of salt. Once (on a different name) I posted a situation, got abuse for it, saying how out of order I was and my poor DH, then used a new name posted situation in reverse and got abused for the reverse, and it was the same outcome. Ie you could change user name and post as the ex and everyone would come at you 1000mph. It’s comedy.

Does your partner know yet that that you are done? I bet he will try to convince you to give him another chance, him and his ex had it good and easy life

it’s ridiculous. i am caring for these children like they are my own week in week out. yet im being called all sorts of names and everyone only feels sorry for the ex and the kids? the kids are the victims in this yes, however it’s not my responsibility to sort out their lives and wellbeing when i haven’t even sorted out my own life and my child’s yet. ridiculous. then they started saying my husband and his ex are both involved in fraud and i’m gaining something as im in on it? like wtf? just completely spinning the narrative. like this post was originally about me a step mum complaining of being burnt out to now somehow i’m part of some sort of fraud money laundering scheme with the baby mum? a joke.

he knows yes as i’ve been crying about it every week. but i’ve never explained to him that im crying cause i can’t look after the kids. i don’t want to hurt his feelings and make it look like i have a vendetta against the children. i’ve been complaining when the ex brings them unannounced for example saying or that im burnt out and would rather 2 kids come at time. its a difficult situation.

he is trying to convince me and the ex is furious that im moving out apparantley?

Of course she's furious and he's trying to convince you - they're losing their free childcare!

Nothing but solidarity. The conspiracies, twisting and bandwagons they jump on.

seriously speaking though, I have a fear that someone will take their lives one day with the brutality of AIBU because they will come here as a last resort and these faceless/nameless cowards get a kick out of hunting in a pack.

I’ve had to beg MN HQ to take down a thread once as I was spiralling. They were all completely wrong btw telling me to find a new job (before I’d even started) and I was going have my offer rescinded, or let go, I was a shit stirrer and if shown my true colours.

I’m thriving in my job, it was just an unfortunate situation that I wanted advice on and to do with my manager who is nothing but supportive despite a strange start. It got unnecessarily personal. Very odd people who tear people down, blood thirsty wolves.

I think people are saying it sounds like your husband and ex are involved in benefit fraud and, as his wife you may get caught up in this. How the hell has your husband, in the space of 9 years and despite working 12 hour days managed to have 4 children that he can hardly have seen, divorced, met you and remarried? How can he justify paying his ex the money out of guilt because he doesnt see the kids but then doesnt see them anyway when they are staying with you? You are being played by both of them.

sorry to had to deal with that 😖

OP good decision to get the fuck out of there.

Your husband IS the problem as much as the ex if not more.

HE is choosing to overpay
HE is choosing to let her control him over the house
HE is choosing a career where he works 12 hour days 7 days a week, leaving no time for his feral kids and expecting you to look after them instead (yes you CAN change career, my DH did before we had kids so he would be around more)
HE is choosing to put his ex over you
HE is taking no responsibility for kid DC's behaviour and is basically avoiding them instead of try to deal with it. Shit dad trying to spend his way out of shit parenting.

You also need to have a good hard look at yourself and work out why you have made the decisions you've made. You have a young autistic daughter and met, married and moved in with this guy within less than two years? And became financially independent on him after just one year presumably given you don't work?

You moved way, way too quickly there and that has been very unfair on your daughter and got you both into a real mess. Lesson learned, I hope, for her sake.

It sounds like she was depressed and not coping with raising 4 children while he was conveniently always at work. When she needed him the most he walked away. What a catch !

OP, it doesn't matter if you'll be the bad guy, if you genuinely believe there is 4 neglected children with an addict parent, you HAVE to get SS involved. So many children go under the radar and continue living in neglect because the adults who could do something about it, do nothing.

Also give DH a kick up the arse and get him to contact the courts regarding custody and CM, (which he bloody should have done when his ex decided to move the kids 3 hours away instead of agreeing to give her half the rent from the marital home when she decided to defraud the taxpayer, and taking a home from a family in need, by pretending she had no where to live!)

Your DHs utter impassivity has allowed this situation, he needs to get his shit together for the sake of his kids! I can't believe he allows them to be neglected! I wouldn't be handing my kids back to her!

Its fair if you want to move out, you shouldn't be used to facilitate this dysfunctional dynamic, but please for the love of God contact someone in SS about the condition of those children.

OK, I've read all your posts OP. No idea why people are being so hard on you.

From what I can make out, you got involved with a man who'd been cheated on by his wife. This pretty much tells me everything I need to know about her.

When you first got involved the situation was completely different and totally manageable, but since then the ex has made decisions that have turned everything to shite. You don't need to blame yourself for a situation that you have no control over changing to such an extent that it becomes absolute chaos. You're definitely the victim here.

On top of this, the ex has been empowered by her various manipulations to not only have a nice council house for herself, but also quite a bit of disposable income and time. She definitely fraudulently got that house and is probably screwing benefits now. This is also adding to your feelings of being ripped off. Because while she's swanning about, you're trying to complete a Masters and think about your future.

I think you're right to move back in with your parents and out of harm's way. However, I think you might be mistaken when it comes to your husband's motivations. I believe the reason he's willing to 'sacrifice' you and your daughter is because he's more interested in his kids than your wellbeing. From the sounds of it, the quickie divorce hasn't actually settled things between these two adults and you're just caught up in it all. There's a good chance that you're irrelevant to both of them. They're too busy focusing on their own family. It's likely that your husband doesn't even see his relationship with you and your daughter as his actual family. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but I've seen this happen before - particularly in some cultures.

It would appear that you (as in you and your husband) need to have some sort of structure. His argument that she will emotionally blackmail him isn't really going to hold water if you also hold the cards, i.e. that she's committed fraud to obtain goods and services from the public purse (the council house). And this is where I think that you'll discover his real reasons. If he's not just as willing to fight dirty as she is, then that's because he values the kids over everything else, absolutely everything else, including you.

I feel for you. Their mum is obviously a bad woman.

my husbands ex technically is not committing fraud. (ofc she is) but legally she’s a single mum and entitled to a council house. my husband doesn’t have to over pay her and give her half the rental income he just chooses too.

my husband got with her in 2011. the split in 2022 but officially divorced in 2023. he never used to work 7 days a week all day when we was with her as he didn’t need to. they lived in his mortgage free house and got by. when they split and she demanded 500£ p/m per child is when he cut down staff at his restaurant and started working like a donkey to be able to afford paying this to her. so when he was with her he had time to see her/ the kids. he justifies paying her that much because when they split like i said as he had to over work to compensate her out of his own stupid free will, he wasn’t free to hold the kids over night for example which is what she requested. she didn’t seem to mind the at the time and said she would rather have the money. however when i came into the picture and when we moved in is when she started demanding weekly sleepovers, but this isn’t reflected on her child support. she still wants the same about and claims that it’s expensive and 2 k isn’t enough and tells him he’s giving her the bare minimum. due to his own internalised guilt of not being able to see them, he compensates by paying. i hope this makes sense. not saying he’s right by doing this btw im just explaining the situation. they are not both teaming up and using me please don’t jump the gun. she is using me yes for childcare. he is using me for childcare. but it’s not a team effort.

Your DHs utter impassivity has allowed this situation, he needs to get his shit together for the sake of his kids! I can't believe he allows them to be neglected! I wouldn't be handing my kids back to her!

This. If what you have said is true then SS need to be involved. Your husband couldnt care less otherwise he would be doing more to protect his children not avoiding them as much as possible. If she was walking out for 3 or 4 days while they were married he is shovelling her money instead of looking after the welfare of his children. They need SS involvement. Both their parents are neglectful.

my husbands ex technically is not committing fraud. (ofc she is) but legally she’s a single mum and entitled to a council house.

Yes she is. She had a home. She wasn't homeless and didn't need to be rehoused. She must have claimed something else - I think you said living with family in overcrowded conditions. That's fraud. Willing to bet she also receives other benefits on top of the £2k without declaring it. This would also be fraud. Similarly, if her new boyfriend lives with her and doesn't declare any of this income = fraud.

But the way you describe the state of the children, you should involve SS. Maybe tell your wet wipe of a husband this. How would he like to lose his children altogether because he doesn't have the balls to sort out his ex?

If this is true I’d just leave him to it. Wash your hands of him.

He’s not prioritising you or his children, he won’t go and see a solicitor, he won’t take control of his property - this has got trouble written all over it. He’s so passive despite all the obstacles.

I mean ex wife knows he doesn’t actually spend any time with the children. It’s not in their best interests what’s happening. I agree with getting SS involved, which would put the wind up her and him.

thank you for your detailed explanation. if only everyone saw things they way you did which is how they are. yeah the bottom line is that my husband prioritises his kids before me. whereas i’m prioritising his kids before mine. i didnt ask for any of this but things turned out this way. i have threatened him with the things she’s done ie i have threatened to report her and he turns on me and says im trying to cause problems for his kids. it all comes down to what you said he just values the kids more than me. my only option is to leave. thank you for your advice

i mean ofc she is but on ‘paper’ she isn’t. she definitely claims benefits but swear she doesn’t and tells my husband all she relies on is the CM & rental income and it still isn’t enough lol. imagine if we actually reduced it to reflect the days we are holding the kids. her boyfriend doesn’t live with her i believe. i have threatened him with SS a million times and he’s promised me he’ll sort her out and get a court order etc etc but it’s just empty promises

I’m glad you’ve left . Do not go back . You deserve to have some free time when your little one is with their daddy. Stay with your parents. You’ll be ok but do not go back to this shambles

thank you

And report the ex for benefit fraud.

Social services aren't a "threat" you make to your DH. You call them if you have legitimate concerns. Otherwise, sort your own life out and leave them to it. For God's sake.

You say you didn't ask for this, but you did choose it

Your story doesn't add up. You say you left this morning but then you say you only left after everyone told you to go to your parents, which wasn't until a while after you posted. By the time you posted it was already the afternoon. There are so many holes in your story and this is just one of them.