i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

But you understand the ones who are really suffering for your choices (your in this instances meaning you and your husband) are the 5 children?

Are you sure they are actually divorced?

yes, my child above all. unfortunately, with or without me in the picture she still decided to move the kids over 3 hours away from their dads. this was not my doing. however my child didn’t sign up for a chaotic home and to have 4 strangers come every weekend and tarnish it

100%. i have seen the paper work and have logged into his divorce portal online. what makes you think they’re not divorced? he is married to me and she has a boyfriend.

"Or child related issues"

Excellent AI use there by someone doing a masters in law.

No, all 5.children. you believe your child most of all because you actually care about her, although you've made choices of your own without considering her best interests. YOU signed her up for this chaotic home. Own that.

Thanks to the choices your husband has made, his 4 children are being brought up by a neglectful alcoholic and a father who doesn't seem to care.

because some of you don’t understand, it’s much easier to divorce online now. as long as both parties don’t raise any issues relating to childcare arrangements & finances, and they both agree to the divorce then it’s considered amicable. it won’t go to court as it’ll end up dragging out more. only showing you google so you can understand where i’m coming from. you seem to think i’m gaining something from this lying?

i say my child more because she is autistic and these children are violent towards her. my child or I don’t cause any harm mentally physically or emotionally to his children. however his children to cause harm to my child. i do own it’s my fault. i’ve never said it’s not. i didn’t sign up to be a free baby sitter every weekend and half term. this is what i’m complaining about.

So you're definitely legally married? In which case his finances are to do with you whether you like it or not. You need to wise up quickly.

I think your parents will be the better of 2 evils. I would rather do almost anything than look after children not my own.

Here's the government website. https://www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

You and your ex-partner may be able to avoid going to court if you agree on:

• where the children will live
• how much time they’ll spend with each parent
• how you’ll financially support your children

This is called making child arrangements (sometimes known as ‘child custody’ or ‘child contact’). You can agree on child maintenance at the same time or separately. If you agree If you and your ex-partner agree on child arrangements, you can make a Parenting Plan. This is a record of what you’ve agreed.

Because you walked into the mess and chaos and have enabled it to the detriment of all 5 kids. Because you chose to marry and share your and your very young autistic child’s household with a man who has 4 kids. And because this happened all within the space of 1 or 2 years and didn’t seem to consider that those 4 kids might end up being over a lot. And finally because a lot of your ire initially seemed directed at the ex and the literal children when it should be against your joke of a husband. He is the one who’s in a relationship with you and owes you a duty of care rather than to absolve himself of all childcare and put it on to you.

It’s obvious that custody and childcare arrangements change between parents. I’ve known kids who have moved to live full time with their EOW dad at a certain age.

Just because a man barely sees his kids when you meet him it doesn’t mean it will always be like that. (And why would you even want a man who’s not an active parent in his children’s lives?)

Glad you’re now moving on from this, for the sake of your child please stay single and focus on your child and getting yourself into a position of being able to provide for her. Or at least don’t bring any more men into her life.

Abuse against step kids and between step-siblings is rife, and chaotic unhappy blended family households are the perfect environments for things like that to occur. This could’ve been much worse .

well for starters for myself husband and child i’d have to pay only 100-150£ a week food shopping. when his 4 kids come i have to do an extra £100-150 food shop every weekend to stock up for them. the mother brings them without any clothes, so i have to buy them all an extra pair of clothes from tesco every weekend. when i take them out in the weekend for example park or to a games arcade i have to pay this myself. how is it no on my back? on top of being a free full time baby sitter for them every time they come.

she doesn’t even pack a bag for them??? How have you let this happen. This woman is a typical give an inch take a mile character. For a year you’ve allowed this to happen. Did she not pack a bag to start or is she now just taking the flipping p* and you’ve only just realised.

so glad you’re out. Stay out. Her holiday is over. Report her. Ditch your wet husband who you openly say is weak. Who needs a life partner like that. Maybe when he doesn’t have a choice he will toughen up. You are absolutely being taken for a complete ride by them both.

enjoy next weekend and watch your mental health improve. I cut out a sibling who was heavily relying on me when I had a 0 & 2 year old boys, it was going on for years. Not looked back in 6 months and her life is going from bad to worse and while I feel for her, it’s no longer my problem for her to burden me with. My point is, remove this toxic situation and everything will life almost immediately.

OP you have absolutely made the right decision to move back to your parents.
Would it be possible for you to access student accomodation ? Your university must have an accommodation office. My uni, back in the day had options for students with DC.

You've married into a disaster of a situation and for the sake of your DC you need to get away and stay away from your DH and his EX.

exactly, yet everyone feels as though my hatred towards her is uncalled for. she never packed a bag from the start. she’d bring them in their school uniform straight from school, i’d have to buy them extra clothes for the weekend & wash and dry their uniform before they left on sunday. i never ‘allowed it to happen’ as per say, id tell him to remind her every week to bring clothes. then i bought them clothes to keep at our house like 3/4 pairs for each of them. but because they would end up getting dirty as kids do they’d end up wearing the new clothes and leaving with them as the clothes they came in with were being washed / dried and taken out right before they left. hope that makes sense? so it’s just a weekly cycle sadly. yes i am nervous but looking forward to the start of my new life how ever hard it may be. at least it’ll just be my child and i and i won’t have to stress and worry for other people’s children when the own parents don’t.

i can’t get uni accom as that isn’t suitable for my child. also i’m doing a masters so with the maintenance loan i get i have to use it to pay the tuition fees. it’s not like an undergraduate degree where you get maintenance and tuition fee :(

Then apply for divorce

sadly you rushed into marriage but it doesn’t have to be forever

Just the lack of dealing with the formal child arrangements and finances/assets. Plus the hold she still has over him.

yes i know my biggest mistake was rushing and nothing thinking how this would affect my child. i genuinely thought they wouldn’t be over as much and when they were it would be nice for my child to have friends to play with. i didn’t think the situation would become so severe. i am definitely staying single for a while now believe me i am traumatised

i can’t believe i have to keep repeating this. there is no childcare arrangement in place, when you are doing a divorce online, you can choose to opt of of the court making child care arrangements for you and your partner. as this will involve hiring a lawyer and if the split is amicable it won’t come to that. she put down that the split was amicable and they won’t need the courts help with sorting out child care arrangements or finances. he agreed. amicable split therefore no child care was arranged and no financial orders were put in place.

i really wish it WASNT like this and i wish i was lying. it would be much better if they did have a bloody childcare arrangement in place.

Well you live and learn I guess. I’m curious as to what your husband will do now as he obviously had you lined up for childcare for the next however many years.

Maybe the penny will finally drop that he can’t work 7 days a week, and needs to actually parent - even if it means reducing maintenance payment if he can’t work as much.

But either way as I said I’m glad you’ve made a better decision now and I hope it all works out.

I think the reason why I'm annoyed at you, is your lack of empathy to his children. I totally understand why you're overwhelmed but again, your last comment was a hit to them.
You didn't think they would be over as much, it sounds as if you never really wanted them to visit their dad at your place and it suited you for him to visit them. It's their dad! You never worked, so of course he has to work weekends, especially at a restaurant. What did you expect?
This blended family sounds a shambles from the start.
I hope you stick with your decision and I hope them poor children have a responsible adult in their lives.

there isn’t a lack of empathy. as in the beginning i welcomed them all with open arms. however they are upsetting my child. i wouldn’t mind if one or two children came over. but we don’t have the space for 4 destructive children every week. especially ones that i have to look after. on my own. i’m only human. it is too much.

nothing, he’ll probably just go visit them 3 hours a way once a week or every other week when the restaurant is less busy on a weekday. i would understand if the ex was bringing them regardless where my husband lived as she wanted them to spend time with their father. but she only brings them as im available she just wants to pawn them off. there’s a difference in taking your children to stay with their father and difference to knowing the father won’t be around but still taking them regardless.

I can't imagine looking after 4 kids in a 1 bedroom flat... I wouldn't go back, don't blame you one bit for moving out