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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 01/11/2025 19:20

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:02

I am moving back into my parents yes. no one understands why i have resentment towards the ex but this is the reason why. not because i am jealous or bitter or whatever people are making out. my husband bought a property in 2010 outright and has no mortgage on it. he married his ex wife in 2016. it is not sold. they lived in the house together up until 2023. they divorced. she didn’t ask for a financial order in the divorce as she wanted the divorce finalised quickly and didn’t want to own anything on paper so she could get a council house. in 2023, whilst she was applying and waiting for her council house, my ex moved out of their home and allowed her to live there for free with the children to not disrupt their lives. as soon as she got the council house, she moved there which is 3 hours away, rented the house they live in together and gets half the rent. on top of 2 k a month child support. there is no legal requirement from the courts or CM stating my husband has to pay her 2 k amount child support as well as give her 1 k a month rental income as well have the children over every weekend and half term.

he chooses to do this to avoid conflict with his ex ‘in his words’ and to make up for the fact that whilst he can’t physically look after his children as much as he’d like to, it comforts him knowing they are financially ok.

back to the house, my husband is the sole owner of his property. i have suggested us living there as there is more space for the kids or him selling the property however his ex won’t allow either of these options as she is waiting to get the green light to be able to buy her council house, when she does, she plans to rent it and move back into this home. so this home is essentially blocked off. we are stuck in a 1 bed room as that’s all we can afford whilst his ex has the options of living between 2 houses :) on top of all of this, i’m the one having to raise their children every weekend. i know this is all my husbands fault, as he’s allowed all of this

You are not stuck. Ex-wife has no claim on the house. Get the tenants out and change the locks and move in.
Alternative? Leave this idiot.
Alternative is probaby better. You cannot live in a one bedroom flat with 4/5 DC.
You are leaving - excellent.

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 19:20

I don't think he is a "shit decision maker" at all...

Quite the opposite in fact.

He has apparently made some VERY quick and selfish decisions in only 2 years

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:20

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 19:11

Why would she want a council house rather than half a house? And how on earth did she manage to get a council house so quickly, despite being adequately housed 3 hours away. Which magical council is this?

And why did you marry him so bloody quickly! And why did you think it's OK for your DD to share a bedroom with him?
I just don't understand why you've sleepwalked into this situation.

Assuming you are legally married, get some legal advice and find out for sure who really owns what, who owes what and you might have a claim to or be liable for. Because these finances seem a mess and I hope you keep tabs on your credit...

she wants both? duh. the council she got a house with is 3 hours away. she wasn’t magically given it so quickly she was given it after 6/7 months i think. her family lives 3 hours away and she registered with their council and pretended to live with her mum so that the council could give her a home due to over crowding. so essentially she now owns a council right and half of this house (this one not on paper).

honestly, i don’t want to make any claims on that house as he has made it clear that house is for his ex and his children.

OP posts:
slashlover · 01/11/2025 19:20

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:15

in any divorce, you can choose to walk away with nothing. there was no financial split as she did not opt for one! she wanted a quick divorce with no financial order. she done the divorce online. in order to split assets etc she’d need to get a lawyer and they would process that for her. she chose not to. instead she opted for a divorce online with no financial order. the reason being so is because she wanted to gain a council house.

If you have kids and divorce online then you legally have to agree finances AND child arrangements. So he's lying when he says they didn't have an arrangement about the kids.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:23

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2025 19:14

Someone is lying op.

Because absolutely none of this makes any objective sense.

we can see that because we’re not emotionally involved and/or disregulated

fraud is a strong possibility- on both your husbands AND his ex wife’s part - maybe they are both completely using you.

best thing you can do is move out, get divorced and get a job.

but what could they be lying out? i understand where your coming from. but no one understands the hold my husband ex has over him and how she emotionally blackmails him with those children. he is 100% not gaining anything as i have access to all his bank accounts etc and he is not hiding money from me. the only fraud that was done here was from her, and my stupid husband allowing it all to happen at our expense.

OP posts:
rosyvalentine · 01/11/2025 19:24

mcmooberry · 01/11/2025 17:39

This sounds like an absolute nightmare for you!! The ex wife sounds awful, totally taking advantage of you and those poor children too being driven 3 hours and dumped in a one bedroom flat.
I would work out CSA rates and pay her that not a penny more or go via the courts for 50:50 as you are nearly doing that anyway and pay her nothing and with the £2000 saved you can afford a different place.
I would have fled long since.

I agree with this. You need to demand that your husband formalises a proper arrangement with his ex. I can’t understand how he has allowed this situation to develop, ie. the ex wife moving 3 hours away and taking half the rental income from the family home while also getting £2k child support p/m. Madness. If you’re going to have the 4 kids staying with you, you need more suitable accommodation.

When are you finished your Masters? Next May? Will you be looking for a job then? You can’t continue living like this, but you’re the only one who can enact change going forward. You either have to leave or make your DH deal with the situation. This is not fair on any of the 5 kids involved.

Gair · 01/11/2025 19:24

Blarghism · 01/11/2025 19:02

It's called deprivation of assets and your husband is a party to it. That and the ongoing fraud where they are splitting the rental income and calling it 'child support' so it is not taken into account when her benefits are calculated. We are talking about a massive benefit over-payment here. How long have they been separated? With 4 children involved this is easily 5, possibly even 6 figure benefit fraud.

This.

OP, if you are planning on qualifying as a lawyer you cannot be associated with this in any shape or form. Lawyers are bound by professional standards requirements, the primary one being that they must act with integrity and honesty in ALL dealings.

Distance yourself from this situation immediately so as not to put a future legal career at risk (totally aside from protecting your child and your sanity). This is very very serious and you must protect yourself and your future straight away. Your DH does not seem any good at protecting you, so you must do it.

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 19:25

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:20

she wants both? duh. the council she got a house with is 3 hours away. she wasn’t magically given it so quickly she was given it after 6/7 months i think. her family lives 3 hours away and she registered with their council and pretended to live with her mum so that the council could give her a home due to over crowding. so essentially she now owns a council right and half of this house (this one not on paper).

honestly, i don’t want to make any claims on that house as he has made it clear that house is for his ex and his children.

She can't own a house "not on paper". Nor can she own a house "emotionally". Your DH is complicit in fraud. I assume you expected to benefit from it. Otherwise I can't fathom why you'd have gone along with any of this. You just didn't bargain for the childcare. Come off it OP. Extricate yourself carefully before you get dragged in further.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:25

Blarghism · 01/11/2025 19:16

Is there enough information here to aid the up-coming prosecution of the husband and his ex? They're definitely in this together. He gets to keep ownership of the 4 bed place, in return for keeping quiet he will give her a share of the rental income plus a bit AND she gets to claim benefits. She then purchases the council house at a discount, with his money I assume as she does not work so could not get a mortgage, then moves back into the family home and they share the rental of the new place and double their housing portfolio! Nice little scam. All the while they get free childcare from a new wife.

Have they offered to cut you in op? Because if not you're really getting the short straw here, especially if you end up getting implicated in this scam too.

i promise you, my husband is just an idiot and he’s not getting anything out of this financially. she is only. and i’m not involved in any way shape or form with what fraud she’s done. the issue isn’t her in this part, my only problem with he is she uses me for childcare. as for the property side of things it is all my husbands fault for being a pussy and letting her do things how she wants.

OP posts:
5678XXX · 01/11/2025 19:26

I suppose the good thing is though it seems as if the 4 destructive, exhausting children have allowed you to spend quite a long time on MN today.

Over 3 pages of quite long answers shows you do have some time for yourself

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 19:27

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:23

but what could they be lying out? i understand where your coming from. but no one understands the hold my husband ex has over him and how she emotionally blackmails him with those children. he is 100% not gaining anything as i have access to all his bank accounts etc and he is not hiding money from me. the only fraud that was done here was from her, and my stupid husband allowing it all to happen at our expense.

Emotionally blackmails him to the extent he does anything to avoid parenting them? Yeah right...
You have access to the bank account he tells you about. And you don't have access to her bank accounts. Tread carefully.

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 19:28

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:25

i promise you, my husband is just an idiot and he’s not getting anything out of this financially. she is only. and i’m not involved in any way shape or form with what fraud she’s done. the issue isn’t her in this part, my only problem with he is she uses me for childcare. as for the property side of things it is all my husbands fault for being a pussy and letting her do things how she wants.

Presumably the kids are there right now? Given it is Saturday and half term and they come every weekend?

Toooldtopretend · 01/11/2025 19:30

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 18:25

She got a council house, despite being the owner of a 4 bedroom flat?
You sure all of this is true?

And have 5 children between you but live in a one bed flat. How is your daughter living with you in a one bed. I presume the 4 kids are climbing the walls when there at weekends (whilst also having to travel 6 hours every weekend). It sounds horrendous for everyone.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:30

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 19:25

She can't own a house "not on paper". Nor can she own a house "emotionally". Your DH is complicit in fraud. I assume you expected to benefit from it. Otherwise I can't fathom why you'd have gone along with any of this. You just didn't bargain for the childcare. Come off it OP. Extricate yourself carefully before you get dragged in further.

are you joking me? is this actually a joke now. what am i getting from any of this? how am i responsible of what another woman does. how exactly am i benefitting i dont understand? she is the only one benefiting. i am suffering from the decisions of her and my ex husband

OP posts:
Blarghism · 01/11/2025 19:30

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:25

i promise you, my husband is just an idiot and he’s not getting anything out of this financially. she is only. and i’m not involved in any way shape or form with what fraud she’s done. the issue isn’t her in this part, my only problem with he is she uses me for childcare. as for the property side of things it is all my husbands fault for being a pussy and letting her do things how she wants.

He gets half the rental income AND the entire value of the 4 bedroom property, it looks very very bad for him. They will throw the book at them both. He knows what her plan is and is a willing participant in the fraud therefore he is equally culpable even if he does end up handing her everything.

What type of law are you studying?

labamba18 · 01/11/2025 19:31

Op he needs to sort this. If he’s paying 2k per month that means he must be a high earner. It’s his responsibility to ensure there’s appropriate staffing at the restaurant and people to run it while he has time off to look after his own children. Every business owner has to do this when they have children, it takes effort and coordination for time off - liking hiring and training people. Perhaps he’s not cut out for this business if he can’t figure that out.

Diarygirlqueen · 01/11/2025 19:32

Poor unselfish husband, hes just really silly and emotionally blackmailed by his corrupt, evil ex wife, who's an alcoholic and dares to drop off his unwashed and uncouth children...
Get a grip OP, this whole situation stinks.
You married a man who split from his wife in 2023 who had 4 children!!!! You are not innocent OP.
The only innocent people in this whole bloody farce is the 5 children. God love them, having parents like this.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:33

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 19:26

I suppose the good thing is though it seems as if the 4 destructive, exhausting children have allowed you to spend quite a long time on MN today.

Over 3 pages of quite long answers shows you do have some time for yourself

because i am not with them today! i have come to my parents house to speak with them about moving back in. on monday i am moving back in. the kids came last night i left this morning. i reached breaking point. don’t understand why id lie? i’m pouring out my life and my problems to strangers on the internet and all you can do is argue with me that i’m supposedly lying, writing all these paragraphs myself because i have so much time?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2025 19:36

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:25

i promise you, my husband is just an idiot and he’s not getting anything out of this financially. she is only. and i’m not involved in any way shape or form with what fraud she’s done. the issue isn’t her in this part, my only problem with he is she uses me for childcare. as for the property side of things it is all my husbands fault for being a pussy and letting her do things how she wants.

He is getting something out of it if they’re still together. All the assets to him. She gets every benefit she can including a house. He sends her £2k to hide it from the tax man. Use you for childcare. Get back together.

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 19:38

Well you didn't say that in your first lot of posts, did you?

You made it sound as if your H was off working and you had the kids today.

You only said about moving back in with your parents after other posters had said about it.

And now you have been at your parents all day, organising it?

Pointless starting the thread then if you had already decided to separate 🙄

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2025 19:38

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 19:26

I suppose the good thing is though it seems as if the 4 destructive, exhausting children have allowed you to spend quite a long time on MN today.

Over 3 pages of quite long answers shows you do have some time for yourself

I can’t work out how the op is doing this tbf. I’ve spent 3 hours on this myself and have posted about 1/100th of the op.

Gair · 01/11/2025 19:38

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:33

because i am not with them today! i have come to my parents house to speak with them about moving back in. on monday i am moving back in. the kids came last night i left this morning. i reached breaking point. don’t understand why id lie? i’m pouring out my life and my problems to strangers on the internet and all you can do is argue with me that i’m supposedly lying, writing all these paragraphs myself because i have so much time?

OP, maybe it would be best to take a break from this thread so that you can consider the more helpful opinions shared in a calm quiet manner.

It is good that you are looking to extricate yourself and your child.

Have a rest and consider things calmly. Good luck!

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:39

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2025 19:36

He is getting something out of it if they’re still together. All the assets to him. She gets every benefit she can including a house. He sends her £2k to hide it from the tax man. Use you for childcare. Get back together.

oh my gosh. this is not true at all.

  1. he’s broke as a whistle so he’s not hiding anything from the tax man. 2. he’s gone along with her plan to support her and the kids. not to gain anything from it. 3. one of the reasons they divorced is because she was having an affair and still is dating that man. please can you stop twisting the narrative. my ex is financially not gaining anything. he’s broke just so she and the kids can have everything they need financially.
OP posts:
stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:41

5678XXX · 01/11/2025 19:38

Well you didn't say that in your first lot of posts, did you?

You made it sound as if your H was off working and you had the kids today.

You only said about moving back in with your parents after other posters had said about it.

And now you have been at your parents all day, organising it?

Pointless starting the thread then if you had already decided to separate 🙄

it’s not pointless. i left today after everyone kept telling me to go to parents. i finally had the courage to leave for tonight. i am not sure to stay in that house or not hence why ive asked for advice. however from all the advice ive got ive decided the best option is for me to move back to my parents on monday

OP posts:
stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 19:41

Diarygirlqueen · 01/11/2025 19:32

Poor unselfish husband, hes just really silly and emotionally blackmailed by his corrupt, evil ex wife, who's an alcoholic and dares to drop off his unwashed and uncouth children...
Get a grip OP, this whole situation stinks.
You married a man who split from his wife in 2023 who had 4 children!!!! You are not innocent OP.
The only innocent people in this whole bloody farce is the 5 children. God love them, having parents like this.

why am i not innocent? i didn’t cause their break up?

OP posts:
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