i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

Yes obv you looking after his 4 kids while he works when you don’t have your child is too much

would having all 5 work so change the weekend so his kids would be with their mum when your child is with their dad ?

so you still get your time to recharge

saying that - you have a dh problem if he won’t listen to you - won’t look after his kids - won’t lower the payment (£2k is too much) maybe go by what cms say

I take it he moved in with you / happy to marry you quickly ?

nanny with fanny springs to mind

no one wants their marriage to fail but he is taking you for a mug

how long have you been together and how long married

I’m guessing not that long if he has 4 under 10 and you have a primary school child as well

Oh 2023 - that’s no time at all 🙀😢

you’ve totally rushed this

You married a man you barely knew and allow him to sleep in the same room as your child.

A few minutes ago you said you left this morning.

So you left this morning after everyone had told you to leave in their posts this afternoon? You didn't start the thread until 1:27 pm

I'll have some of what you're on pls @stepparent55

Why don’t you move into the house he owns instead of having 5 kids in a 1 bed flat?

Why are so many people siding with the mum? She sounds like a drunken, feckless, lazy arsehole!

the kids came last night i left this morning. i reached breaking point. don’t understand why id lie?

You left this morning but also left after everyone told you when you started this thread at half past one?

Nobody is, everyone is saying that the problem is OP's shit husband.

Yeah ok course she's desperate to have them....

Oh plenty of people have been, the poor woman having her kids taken off her, she must need a break etc. No denying the OP’s husband is also a dick trying to shirk responsibility for looking after his own kids.

None of the adults are coming across well here.

The mother is a neglectful alcoholic.
The relationship broke down 2 years ago, he somehow had time while working 12 hour days, 7 days a week at a restaurant to date a woman with a child and marry and move in with her, not into the 4 bed flat he 100% owns but a one bed, expecting his new wife to entirely care for his neglected children.
OP you've moved in and married him after less than 2 years, into a one bed flat. You have an autistic 5yo and are talking about her needing a safe space - absolutely - yet you moved her in to a flat SHARING A BEDROOM with a new man.

No adult is considering the children in this situation, I feel for all 5 of them.

I can see that you are really struggling. Is DH your child’s father? Could you maybe come to an agreement where the stepchildren take turns each weekend so you only have 2 at a time or you just have them less and when you have them he has to sort out most of the work. It’s really not fair on you, I get that. I wouldn’t want to do it either but in that case this relationship just won’t work. Sending a big hugx

He's obviously not broke as a whistle if he's got thousands to give to his ex and he pays your rent. Broke people don't have that much money, or mortgage free flats.

Again, OP can't cope with the kids for 2 days, the ex has them 5 days and had them even more than that before...because of OPs shit husband. Surely any woman is given sympathy when her exhusband is useless with the kids?

If your DH and his ex split without a financial order you have an even BIGGER problem.
Although the marriage might be at an end, the financial commitments are not necessarily.
Either party can still make a future financial claim against the other based on their financial circumstances at the time.
This means your DH's ex-wife could pop up at any time and claim a financial settlement for her and the four children.
The longer she delays, the weaker her claim. But since they've only been divorced for 2 or so years, it will be awhile until there's a big delay in the eyes of the court -- especially while she's the primary carer for 4 children.

This could be WHY your DH is reluctant to sell the house. He might know or guess that she will get HALF , or maybe more than half because she's the primary carer and he has a business.
This could also be why the ex-wife gets half the rent -- because she would be given half the proceeds of the property if it were sold.

Your DH's ex-wife is probably doing something dodgy getting a council house when she's (likely) entitled to a large share of the sale of a 4 bedroom house.
But your DH stays quiet because he is also getting half the rent. If he calls her out, they will have to sell the 4 bed house and the ex-wife is likely ot claim her share.

So what about you? What do you want? You could call out the ex-wife to the LA. Your DH and her could sell the 4 bed. They could split the proceeds. You and DH could move into a slightly bigger property. Maybe 2/3 bed? Bit more room for you and your DD. They could also agree shared parenting time. Eg every 2nd weekend and 50% holidays. And your DH could pay child maintenance at the statutory rate based on his income, plus some extras that he agrees eg school trips, gifts, special purchases, pocket money. He won't have much income after the child maintenance. Obviously! He brought four children into the world before he met you. He also won't have much time for you and DD. He has to spread himself across four other children and a demanding job. If this is too problematic, just realise that you made a mistake and get a divorce. If you divorce him - then you might get a quarter of the value of 4 bed home!

If you want to give it a chance -- moving out is probably necessary to get him and his ex to sell the 4 bed. You need to show that you're serious. You won't continue with the current situation. You aren't a slave. You can look after yourself and your DD. You aren't obliged to look after his other children. Ultimately they are his responsibility. But maybe he would prefer this too! His ex can't bring them if you're not there opening the door. He can travel to see them every other weekend.

Another option is simply don't answer the door to ex-wife when DH isn't home. If she leaves DH's children on the doorstep, you call him and if he doesn't come home, you call SS. SS will force them to parent properly. They won't have an issue with you!

Her DH is not the child's father, the child goes to their father every weekend.

They’re at school during the days presumably. A different kettle of fish to having them all weekend.

I think your problem is less with your stepchildren and more with your DH. You resent them/the fact that their mother gets a child-free weekend, but I think you are aiming your resentment at the wrong people/situation. You actually wouldn’t have a leg to stand on if you were to complain that your DH had his DC every weekend, whilst you wanted totally child-free weekends when your DD is with her dad- because it is very true you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with 4 children with weekend custody arrangements. But that is not what I think your complaint is based on. I think you are most annoyed about being the person looking after your 4 stepchildren and doing all the household chores on top of that, whilst your DH does seem to be doing very little.

I think you are right to be annoyed- I don’t think you should be aiming to nothing with them or for them, because that is not realistic or fair, I don’t think. But you certainly shouldn’t be doing the majority of the care and tidying up after them. Your DH should be spending time with his children, not leaving you to do it. And he absolutely should be pulling his weight with household chores. He needs to be preventing his children being so destructive that curtains are pulled to the floor and the house is in a tip. He should be teaching them about appropriate behaviour, although I can see it might be an uphill struggle if they are allowed to do it when with their mum. But he needs to address that with their mother, not leave it to you to clear up behind them.

As to what you can do about it? Sit your partner down and draw a line in the sand about what you will and will not do, what you need him to do and agree a way forward. If he won’t make changes, you have to decide whether to accept it or not and then act accordingly.

The 4 of you need to sit and discuss the situation. 10 days is a third of the month so to me, £2k seems an awful lot. What % is this of DH income.
Ithink you need to put your POVforward and ask what the other 3 are going to do about u having free time. Also,DH needs free time. Maybe a review of maintenence is needed

So just to clarify when I’m saying they are both parents I was referring to OPs husband and his ex. My point is she (the ex) shouldn’t be lumbered with the kids 95% of the time since those 4 children have two parents, not one.

I saw my godchild more than once a weekend when she was young. Seeing your kids once a month at the zoo or whatever, because you’ve decided to get remarried or work too much is not good and shouldn’t be encouraged.

Fathers like this need to take more, not less responsibility of their kids and in this case that would involve him to stop working these crazy hours and actually parent his kids every weekend or a mixture of week days and weekends.

If you marry or get with someone who has a child let alone 4 children, you should always be prepared for the possibility of 50% or more custody and not just cross your fingers hoping they’ll be an absent parent.

To be clear I would hate this situation but again this is why I don’t date men with kids ever! And if I did, it wouldn’t be a man with FOUR young kids - whether they’re well behaved or not.

If the kids are disruptive they are likely the way they are as a result of their parents.

Either way, Op walked into this situation knowing the existence of them. She doesn’t get to encourage a man to see his children less for her convenience. They didn’t get a choice to be in this situation, and nor did her own kid.

If she doesn’t like the situation - and I wouldn’t - she needs to get out!

And yes he is offloading his responsibility on to Op, I think we are all in agreement on that. We are just mystified - or at least I am - that she seemed to be blaming it all on the ex and being resentful of literal children.

Just reading some of the Op updates now and I’m glad it looks like she’s moving out to her parents. Good for all the children concerned!

out of everything i have said, this is what your choosing to focus on? i don’t remember the exact time. it was definitely before noon. what difference does it make i don’t understand. when the situation is the same every week? i initially dropped all the children off to the restaurant. i told my husband im going to drop my daughter to her dads as he’s requested her today and ill be back. on the way back i was crying and having a mental breakdown in the car and shaking. after i dropped my daughter i stopped at my parents to have a tea. my mum was telling me not to go back. i HADNT made up my mind yet. meanwhile the kids were still at the restaurant causing havoc. so when i wrote this post i was at my mums for what was supposed to be a tea and a breather and supposedly a time out. i posted this thread, that’s when i decided after seeing the comments im not going back TODAY. And now i have decided and told my husband i am moving out on Monday. Why are you pick pointing the times as if they matter? i didn’t just make a decision on the spot. all my decisions today were made along the way. i can’t think straight.

what do you want me to tell you? from what i saw and have been told this was how the divorce went. he didn’t divorce her she divorced him. there were no lawyers involved.

this would be ideal. where two kids would only come at a time. as it’s impossible and so hard to manage otherwise.

guys i have said so many times none of this is arranged by court or CMS. The ex demanded 2 k a month and that’s what my husband gives her. i have told him to go through CMS but it’s like talking to a brick wall.