i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

i guess he does all this to avoid looking after the children, as he knows they’re hard work. she walked away from the flat as like i said she wanted to get a council house. how could she get a council house if she owned half a property?

i know this is all my husbands fault, as he’s allowed all of this

So talk to HIM about what HE can do to fix it. And if it's not good enough, do what YOU can do.

His ex may be a nightmare but she's not responsible for your setup with your husband or your child.

he chooses to do this to avoid conflict with his ex ‘in his words’ and to make up for the fact that whilst he can’t physically look after his children as much as he’d like to, it comforts him knowing they are financially ok.

But if he didn't pay her the £2K + rent then he wouldn't have to work as hard and could physically look after his kids more.

back to the house, my husband is the sole owner of his property. i have suggested us living there as there is more space for the kids or him selling the property however his ex won’t allow either of these options as she is waiting to get the green light to be able to buy her council house, when she does, she plans to rent it and move back into this home. so this home is essentially blocked off. we are stuck in a 1 bed room as that’s all we can afford whilst his ex has the options of living between 2 houses :) on top of all of this, i’m the one having to raise their children every weekend. i know this is all my husbands fault, as he’s allowed all of this

Once AGAIN, she has has ZERO say in what he does with HIS property. She doesn't get to "not allow" it, she can't block it off, she can't just decide to rent it out, she can't just decide to move in.

She can say what she wants, he does not have to give it to her.

Your DH is a shit dad and a shit husband.

I hope you have packed a bag @stepparent55 and as soon as he steps through the door tonight, you are off to a hotel! Book it now, on his card.

It is the least he can do to pay you as a thank you for your care of his kids all day.

do you actually think i’m lying? i wish i was. this is the reality of my life.

He's a terrible person. How many times do you need to hear that? You can't give a terrible person an ultimate to stop being a terrible person.

yeah try telling my pathetic husband that. he doesn’t see it as changing the locks against her. he sees it as ‘that’s my children’s home so it needs to be available to them whenever my ex sees fit’ him changing the locks is him seeing like he’s making his kids live on the streets

His kids don't even live there, he'd rather they squeeze into a 1 bedroom instead of living in a 4 bedroom?

Are the kids there now OP? Are they wrecking the house while you're on MN?

Why would she want a council house rather than half a house? And how on earth did she manage to get a council house so quickly, despite being adequately housed 3 hours away. Which magical council is this?

And why did you marry him so bloody quickly! And why did you think it's OK for your DD to share a bedroom with him?
I just don't understand why you've sleepwalked into this situation.

Assuming you are legally married, get some legal advice and find out for sure who really owns what, who owes what and you might have a claim to or be liable for. Because these finances seem a mess and I hope you keep tabs on your credit...

i am moving back to my parents. i’ve had enough. the ex gets to have 2 houses, and a huge over payments in CM. child free weekends and half terms. my pathetic husband does nothing about it as she emotionally blackmails him for not spending more time with the kids, so he thinks the solution to this is over paying her to keep the peace. yet i’m the one suffering in a 1 bed room flat and having to be a mother to 4 children. it’s a joke the whole thing. this forum has given me the courage to do what’s right and that’s to pack my shit and leave.

The answer here is so obvious now. If your husband owns the flat outright and you are married you’re legally entitled to half of it. Get divorced, get half the value and move on! The rest is totally batshit.

Right, well he needs to tell her:

He moves back into the big flat (with you) and he goes to court to properly assess contact and maintenance.

Or

You will leave him and he can no longer have the kids at weekends.

She has a choice and consequences.
He has a choice and consequences.
You are being used by both of them.

Agree with someone else that you are resentful towards the wrong person. It’s not the Mums fault that you don’t get any free time. Unfortunately (you know what I mean), the Dad has to have his kids at some point but it is shit that this falls on what would be your free time.

Honestly, it’s not something that I could cope with. Are you able to go off and stay elsewhere on the weekends? Although I imagine that would cause a massive issue with your Husband. It works out well for your Husband because he has you there running around like a blue arsed fly sorting out the house etc while his kids run wild.

Easy for me to say, but I wouldn’t be able to deal with this situation and would leave. Appreciate it’s not as simple as that though.

theyve been split since 2023. i know she is being overpayed but its not my place to report her right now. i will when the time is right but i need to sort out myself first

Someone is lying op.

Because absolutely none of this makes any objective sense.

we can see that because we’re not emotionally involved and/or disregulated

fraud is a strong possibility- on both your husbands AND his ex wife’s part - maybe they are both completely using you.

best thing you can do is move out, get divorced and get a job.

in any divorce, you can choose to walk away with nothing. there was no financial split as she did not opt for one! she wanted a quick divorce with no financial order. she done the divorce online. in order to split assets etc she’d need to get a lawyer and they would process that for her. she chose not to. instead she opted for a divorce online with no financial order. the reason being so is because she wanted to gain a council house.

Where was you living before you moved in with him? Wouldn't you get benefits to top up your student loan to afford a flat for just you and DC?

I get that it seems you feel trapped, but after reading your updates it hardly sounds like he is providing enough to contribute to a better life for you anyway. Living in a 1 bed flat sharing with a man is not adequate housing for your child. Could you speak to the council about leaving and if this would get you on the housing list?

This situation sounds awful for all of you. Why hasn't he sold that house when the ex moved out so he could get more suitable housing for you all? If his kids are with you for all this time he should be prioritising that too, not just making sure she has everything for the time they are with their mum. I could never live with a man forcing my child to share a bedroom with him while he sits on a joint asset with the ex, paying above what he needs to. Leaving you short so living as you are.

Do you actually have any time together so happy times?

They’ve been split since 2023 and you’re already married?!?

Is there enough information here to aid the up-coming prosecution of the husband and his ex? They're definitely in this together. He gets to keep ownership of the 4 bed place, in return for keeping quiet he will give her a share of the rental income plus a bit AND she gets to claim benefits. She then purchases the council house at a discount, with his money I assume as she does not work so could not get a mortgage, then moves back into the family home and they share the rental of the new place and double their housing portfolio! Nice little scam. All the while they get free childcare from a new wife.

Have they offered to cut you in op? Because if not you're really getting the short straw here, especially if you end up getting implicated in this scam too.

Wow - he is a quick worker!

The have only been split for 2 years and he has already met, set up home and married you

He saw you coming @stepparent55

Have you told him you are moving out?

that’s exactly what this is. my husband has always been a shit decision maker. never decided things for himself but lets other do it for him. however when i decide that i dont want to care for his children every weekend his ex and him start speaking for england that what im asking for is unwarranted

No you can’t. Because otherwise the abusive partner walks away with everything. So that’s an outright lie.

She must really hate these poor children. She's their sole carer every weekend while one parent (the alcoholic mother) is out partying and the other parent (the father who would rather not be a father) is working 24 hours a day, so you'd think she would have formed a relationship with them. Instead, she won't do anything to help them (social services) because she can't be bothered with the drama.

They really have nobody in their lives who gives a shit about them, if this story is true.

Oh sorry, just seen your updates and can see that his ex is actually a massive problem and you’re right to feel resentment towards her. I don’t think there is anything you can do about the situation unless you leave.

Not sure how your Husband is meant to make enough money to send over 2,000K each month and afford to pay for his own house and bills as well.

Really shit situation. Call me selfish, but I would leave.

This whole situation is insane. If he and you are having the kids every weekend and some weekdays then that must be pretty much 50% custody so why is he paying maintenance at all let alone £2k a month? He needs to tell her that if he’s having the kids more then the maintenance is reduced or stopped so that he can take the time off to look after them. She might think twice about him having them so much then.

From your side, it sounds like you are staying with him because you can’t afford the rent on your own but surely there is a better way forward than this, not just for you but for your child as well?

If you don’t want to split up with him then you DO have a choice: take a leaf out of the ex’s book and stop being a doormat, go away for the weekends with your child (or drop her at her dad’s), switch your phone off and let the pair of them sort it out between themselves. He’ll have to either reduce his hours so he can look after them and pay less maintenance or find some other way of solving the problem.

They've only been split for 2 years, and in that time he's met you, moved in, got married to you, and shares a room with your daughter? Major red flags.