i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

when they divorced she asked for nothing as she wanted to divorce asap. i’m not telling fibs? this is my real life. he bought that house before he married her. so when she divorced him she asked for nothing in the divorce. probably part of her plan to get a council house. however he still allowed her to live in there and keep the home out of courtesy for the children. so when they divorced the house was just his. she’s not entitled to half the rental but he still gives it to her anyway

How can you be attracted to someone who is simultaneously a complete mug but also somehow taking such advantage of you? He’s an idiot. And a user. Get your daughter out of this chaos and focus on building up your self esteem so you don’t enter this kind of dysfunctional relationship again, for her sake as well as yours.

Oh c’mon OP - you’re doing the LLM right? You should know that EXW cannot just refuse, and that he can just ask the court for an order for sale, and they will likely say yes (not least because they will want to ensure the DC are adequately housed by BOTH parents).

Somebody is spinning a yarn here. This should have been sorted in the financial order as part of the divorce. (You will know this too). Plus, the assets/income/benefits to which EXW seems to have access, not to mention the power she seems to wield to prevent your DP asserting himself in any financial or child custodial matters, smell strongly of bullshit. Are you sure he’s actually divorced? Are there flames or smoke coming from his pants at all?

oh my gosh, why does no one understand. my husband did not divorce her. she divorced him. when she divorced him she didn’t ask for NOTHING so not half the house, not half the business nothing. this was all a choice of her own as she wanted nothing to her name so she could get a council house. so technically, the house became entirely his when they divorced. however he didn’t ask her to move out, he moved out and allowed her and the children to live there to avoid disrupting their lives. what part of this is fraud i don’t understand ?

I thought he had a mortgage free property with his ex wife? What happened there, was it sold? Did she buy him out? How come you've ended up in a 1 bedroom flat with him paying £24,000 a year in child maintenance?

I'd never normally say this but if he is so hard up all he can afford is a 1 bedroom flat for up to 7 people, he needs to insist child maintenance goes through CMS and is calculated properly.

Expecting 5 children, one of whom is autistic, to live in a 1 bedroom flat every weekend, some weekdays and lots of the holidays is neglect in my opinion. Even if it is not your fault, it's not right.

Also, you have to leave him for the sake of your child. It is so unfair on your DC to live like this.

i know, she has no say legally. try telling my thick husband that. he thinks just because they divorced and she chose to ask for nothing in the divorce that she still has a say in everything

So if she has no rights to the house how can she stop him selling it? I feel like your husband is not being completely honest with you.

i know, i told him we should move into his flat however she won’t allow me to live in there? and says she’ll pack up the kids and move in there her self the next day. the reason he doesn’t sell his house is because she doesn’t allow him in terms of saying to him ‘ i might move back in with the kids there as and when i please so you can’t live in the property or sell it ‘

Just seen your update @stepparent55 - tbh it now makes sense, but EXW was mad to seek nothing in the divorce, for the kids if nothing else. I think he’s getting away lightly with £2k a month if he owns the 4-bed outright.

FWIW he’s still a shit dad.

He needs to stop being so pathetic - change the locks and sell it or move in.

But he seems to be off-loading responsibility for his DC onto his new wife. And saying they are both parents to his 4 DC is contradicting what other boards say about DSC - that they are NOT your DC. We can't have it both ways. I would say that OP is their step-mother and that this is a valid relationship (it's certainly legal in some ways - e.g. (hypothetical point) she cannot marry any of her stepchildren without an act of parliament to allow it) but she doesn't legally have parental responsibility. Having your partner's 4 very disruptive DC every week-end is damaging for everyone in the relationships. If they are coming then OP's H should be doing the clearing up and disciplining unruly DC.

If you've decided to leave and go to your parents why do you want to continue with the relationship?

I have a friend whose stepchild lives with them half the week. She is kind, fun and welcoming to the child but will Not. Lift. A. Finger for any childcare and domestic stuff which comes as a result. You need to do the same. They're not your children and ultimately not your responsibility.

i promise you i know this sounds bizarre but this is 100% the truth. no one seems to believe it. let me break it down for you;

yes i know she has no legal say in anything as she decided to divorce him and ask for nothing when they divorced as she wanted it finalised quickly. the reason she did this is so that she would appear a ‘single broke mum’ on paper and gain a council house, which she did.

my husband can sell the house any time yes as it’s entirely in his name and ownership. the reason he can’t live in that house or sell it is because his ex ‘emotionally’ doesn’t allow him if that’s the best way to put it. she threatens to move back in to that house with the kids every time he says he’s going to put it on the market. she threatens him and says you can’t live in the house or sell it or i’ll leave my council house and rent it and move in to the marital home with the kids.

so i hope this sums up how bizarre this situation is and i promise you there are no lies here. the ex has gotten everything she wanted financially out of this. he’s 100% divorced as i’ve seen all the paper work. there was no financial order during the divorce as like i said she didn’t ask for one.

She can't stop you living there. She can't just chose to move in. He can simply change the locks. Do you really think that someone can just move into a house they don't own? That's called squatting.

OP you wrote "the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes."

If this is true, you need to report this to social services.

So why would she walk away from a mortgage free flat and a profit making business with nothing? And why would he keep paying her what must be ~£3k a month out of the kindness of his heart? Even though she's an alcoholic and bad mother?
All very odd.

So he owns a 4 bed flat outright in the town you live in, and rather than live in it, he thinks it makes more sense to rent it out, give half to his alcoholic ex who neglects his children to presumably spend on alcohol, as well as another £2kpm, and for all 7 of you live in a 1 bed flat with not enough money?

come. Off. It.

It's called deprivation of assets and your husband is a party to it. That and the ongoing fraud where they are splitting the rental income and calling it 'child support' so it is not taken into account when her benefits are calculated. We are talking about a massive benefit over-payment here. How long have they been separated? With 4 children involved this is easily 5, possibly even 6 figure benefit fraud.

I am moving back into my parents yes. no one understands why i have resentment towards the ex but this is the reason why. not because i am jealous or bitter or whatever people are making out. my husband bought a property in 2010 outright and has no mortgage on it. he married his ex wife in 2016. it is not sold. they lived in the house together up until 2023. they divorced. she didn’t ask for a financial order in the divorce as she wanted the divorce finalised quickly and didn’t want to own anything on paper so she could get a council house. in 2023, whilst she was applying and waiting for her council house, my ex moved out of their home and allowed her to live there for free with the children to not disrupt their lives. as soon as she got the council house, she moved there which is 3 hours away, rented the house they live in together and gets half the rent. on top of 2 k a month child support. there is no legal requirement from the courts or CM stating my husband has to pay her 2 k amount child support as well as give her 1 k a month rental income as well have the children over every weekend and half term.

he chooses to do this to avoid conflict with his ex ‘in his words’ and to make up for the fact that whilst he can’t physically look after his children as much as he’d like to, it comforts him knowing they are financially ok.

back to the house, my husband is the sole owner of his property. i have suggested us living there as there is more space for the kids or him selling the property however his ex won’t allow either of these options as she is waiting to get the green light to be able to buy her council house, when she does, she plans to rent it and move back into this home. so this home is essentially blocked off. we are stuck in a 1 bed room as that’s all we can afford whilst his ex has the options of living between 2 houses :) on top of all of this, i’m the one having to raise their children every weekend. i know this is all my husbands fault, as he’s allowed all of this

So your DH is a complete wet blanket. He pays her CM he doesn’t have to and won’t move into his flat that he’s legally entitled to.

He would rather upset you than say no to his ex. The ex that doesn’t even look after their DC well.

I hope it goes ok living with your parents. Alternatively make him move out of your flat?

If she drops the DC off phone social services.

yeah try telling my pathetic husband that. he doesn’t see it as changing the locks against her. he sees it as ‘that’s my children’s home so it needs to be available to them whenever my ex sees fit’ him changing the locks is him seeing like he’s making his kids live on the streets

He could just change the locks 🤷

I wouldn't want to be married to a man so beholden to his ex. You'll never be his priority.

Divorce him and claim half of the flat if you didn't sign a pre nup 😁

This doesn't make sense -- in a financial split during divorce, a judge looks at the proposed agreement ("consent order") to check that it is basically fair and legally sound before making it final and enforceable.

So a judge is unlikely to have approved an agreement where a woman who is the primary carer for 4 children under 10 years old says she's won't contest ownership of a 4 bedroom house.

If it's true it's completely abusive. Choosing to live in such overcrowded conditions the kids go crazy and pull curtains off the wall and sleep two to a sofa / in bed with their stepmum or step brother because the ex is making noises she'll reclaim a house she doesn't own is really neglectful decision making.