Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:25

loseuss · 01/11/2025 17:54

No, that’s not true. Plenty of us have pointed out that all three of the adults involved (you, the ex and the husband) are a mess and it’s clear that your husband is taking the piss and is being a crap father and parent .

It’s you who is hyper focused on painting yourself and your partner as victims, and blaming it all on the ex.

When really the only victims are the kids.

how am i a mess? by ruining my own life to help out others. if i was a mess id wouldn’t give a care in the world and shut the door on the kids faces. instead i am looking after them every weekend when its not my duty too.

OP posts:
Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 18:25

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:20

i have decided i am moving back to my parents home. permanently on monday. i will still be with my husband but living separately.

for some context; when my husband and his ex split up, he allowed her and the children to live in the marital home that he owned for free. it was a 4 bedroom flat and very suitable for her and their children. rightfully so, he did the right thing by moving out when they divorced to avoid disrupting the children’s lives. even though he was working full time, he would usually take the children or pick them up from school every day, as the restaurant and the marital home were very close to each other. he would give the ex time off and spend time with his children for a few hours every day or every other day all whilst living in a shared flat. he couldn’t keep the kids over night as there was no space for 4 kids. so just because he wasn’t having them for sleepovers doesn’t mean he wasn’t helping out and being present.

then when he me me, we got a 1 bedroom flat together. we agreed from the start that his children are his responsibility and if he wanted to bring them over for a meal or to spend a few hours at our house whilst he can sneak off an hour or two at work that’s fine. what i didn’t agree with (idc whether this makes me a bad person) is the children sleeping over or being left in my care. i made it clear that i have a autistic child and the 1 bed room house we got is my child’s safe space off limits to anyone else.

however this dynamic changed when we moved together. the ex decided to take the kids knowing she’d have no help with them over 3 hours away. i don’t know what her reasons are and don’t care. they are in school at their hometown 3 hours away. she is getting CM & half the rental income of their marital home, whilst living in a council house. so financially whatever she worked out is working out for her. my husband and i are financially leaving under our means to make sure his children have what they need financially. as soon as we moved in to our rental flat she moved out and rented the marital home and brings them to me every weekend.

its difficult for him to go on weekdays, however he was previously doing that, as weekdays are less busy. he would go see the children in their hometown for a few hours every week or every other week. this was the only arrangement that worked as he is busy working on weekends.

She got a council house, despite being the owner of a 4 bedroom flat?
You sure all of this is true?

slashlover · 01/11/2025 18:28

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:42

because that’s how they were raised. all those children do is fight each other, make mess, break all my child’s toys, and even inflict violence on my child and make of her as she’s autistic. they ruin everything that belongs to her such as her toys and bed. and this home is supposed to be a safe place for my child. not one my child dreads coming to in fear that the other kids will be there.

the reason they act like this is because they can. they’re dad is not around to tell them off. i can’t tell them off as god knows what they’d say after that i was bullying or abusing them. im just left breaking down crying every weekend with no help, financially, physically or mentally and 4 children who have 0 respect.

You realise that your DH is part of raising them? He's a shit dad and you've chosen to have him around your child so he can pay for everything.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:28

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 18:25

She got a council house, despite being the owner of a 4 bedroom flat?
You sure all of this is true?

she is not the owner of the 4 bed flat. my ex is. on paper she is a single mum. my ex just lets her keep half the rental income. because he feels guilty for not being able to help out with the kids, he gives her half the rental income in cash and overcompensates her with 2k CM in cash. she isn’t entitled to either of these things on paper but hey try telling my husband that?

OP posts:
anytipswelcome · 01/11/2025 18:29

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:25

how am i a mess? by ruining my own life to help out others. if i was a mess id wouldn’t give a care in the world and shut the door on the kids faces. instead i am looking after them every weekend when its not my duty too.

But in doing so OP your child is afraid in their own home, being bullied, having their possessions destroyed and being physically attacked.

That is not a healthy approach to the situation that shows you putting your child first.

It is you putting the relationship and his children before your child, otherwise she wouldn’t be frightened, getting her stuff broken and being made fun of for being autistic bless her.

Time to put her first now. This isn’t working and it must be so damaging to her.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:30

Doirealyneefauniqiename · 01/11/2025 17:59

OP I genuinely feel awful for you.

You are being treated like a chump by your husband and his ex.

In your shoes I would tell my husband he sorts this ASAP officially through the courts or we are over. I genuinely mean that too. You deserve better.

thank you. i have given him this ultimatum. but sadly its just empty promises. i know the answer to all of this is to leave and move back in with my family. however i was hoping for some advice on here before it got to that point… but clearly nothing will ever change so ill have to move out to protect my self and my child

OP posts:
slashlover · 01/11/2025 18:30

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:43

no, i am not saying he shouldn’t parent. he should go visit them like he was doing so before. parent them at her house since he unable to look after them at my house

So you WANT him to be a shit dad who rarely sees his kids and doesn't actually want to see them?

You keep talking about the £2000, it's your DHs CHOICE to give this money to his ex. It's his CHOICE to work 7 days a week. It's your CHOICE to stay.

anytipswelcome · 01/11/2025 18:31

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:30

thank you. i have given him this ultimatum. but sadly its just empty promises. i know the answer to all of this is to leave and move back in with my family. however i was hoping for some advice on here before it got to that point… but clearly nothing will ever change so ill have to move out to protect my self and my child

I’m so pleased you’re going to your parents OP, your child will be so much happier there and you can then plan your next steps in a stable environment where you can think straight.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:31

ParmaVioletTea · 01/11/2025 18:00

This.

Talk to your DH - or maybe just go away for a weekend & leave him to it?

Unless of course, you're a SAHM. Then you are a bit unreasonable.

respectfully if i am or am not a sahm, its unfair to have to look after 4 children + mine at the same time. i wouldn’t mind him alternating and bringing only 2 kids over every weekend but the mum doesn’t agree and says take all 4. no one in their right mind would be able to look after 4 children that aren’t their own every weekend?

OP posts:
MrsLizzieDarcy · 01/11/2025 18:32

You're being really taken advantage of, OP. Used.

He's not a good father and he's not a good husband.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:32

Alittlefrustrated · 01/11/2025 18:02

For your own child's sake, you need to leave this man OP. He is not considering the needs of your child, or you.
I'd also be making a referral to Social Services, if the children's mother is alcoholic and neglecting them.
Get your own child out of this mess.

i have considered it but then i’d be the bad guy for reporting her children to SS and essentially be causing more problems.

OP posts:
slashlover · 01/11/2025 18:33

TheBlueHotel · 01/11/2025 17:56

So why is he voluntarily paying £2000 a month?!

So he has an excuse reason not to see his kids.

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/11/2025 18:33

Good decision to go back to your parents. Look for a job ASAP and sort childcare. You getting you and your child out of this shitty situation is more important than your masters.

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 18:33

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:28

she is not the owner of the 4 bed flat. my ex is. on paper she is a single mum. my ex just lets her keep half the rental income. because he feels guilty for not being able to help out with the kids, he gives her half the rental income in cash and overcompensates her with 2k CM in cash. she isn’t entitled to either of these things on paper but hey try telling my husband that?

But they were married right? So how was half of the mortgage free flat not hers? Who got what in the divorce?
Not adding up at all. Either you're telling fibs or he's told you fibs.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:34

loseuss · 01/11/2025 17:59

But they are both parents of these four kids - so why not every weekend or at least half the time even if it’s a mixture of week days and weekends? 50/50 is very common nowadays.

As a third party you need to go into a relationship with a parent who has four minor children asking if you’re prepared to take care of them full time because custody arrangements can change.

Especially in this case where OP’s husband is claiming this woman is a careless alcoholic.

If your answer to that question is no, don’t marry the parent of four kids!

ETA: And seeing your young children once a month is really poor. Why are you advocating he sees his kids even less than he should rather than suggesting he reduces his hours so he can parent his kids every weekend?

Edited

because he doesn’t have a choice. i’ve told him, sell your restaurant, stop renting your marital home out and go and live there, and when the children come you can look after them and it’ll be big enough for all of you. i will live separately with my own child.

OP posts:
kittywittyandpretty · 01/11/2025 18:35

So I would love to have a career where I could work 12 hours a day at it I’d be a multimillionaire because I would be so focused and I would be absolutely in my oils. I would love it.
But because I’ve got four children, I can’t do that job
And neither can your husband
He needs to stop working 12 hours a day

SmallestGnome · 01/11/2025 18:36

The self pity party from OP is actually infuriating.

The fact you allow these 4 children to live in a neglectful home 5 days per week instead of going for full custody and finding a home that is suitable for the full family shows you just want rid of them so you can play happy families with your child and your partner.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:36

CornishTiger · 01/11/2025 18:04

Your DH could change this dynamic but he won’t.

He could go to court for proper arrangements and not pay over the top maintenance.

He could sell former marital home which he’s renting out and sever financial ties with his ex. How is she getting full benefits if she has another property? If her share of the equity is expected to be over £16000 after costs then she wouldn’t be eligible.

He also needs to provide better accomadation for his children so why isn’t he doing that?

As for the neglect. I wouldn’t send them home.

Edited

she doesn’t allow him to sell his house as she would rather half half the rental money and wants that house as an option to move back here when she pleases

OP posts:
Blarghism · 01/11/2025 18:36

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:28

she is not the owner of the 4 bed flat. my ex is. on paper she is a single mum. my ex just lets her keep half the rental income. because he feels guilty for not being able to help out with the kids, he gives her half the rental income in cash and overcompensates her with 2k CM in cash. she isn’t entitled to either of these things on paper but hey try telling my husband that?

I'm confused, you said he let her stay there when they split, how did they then get away with divorcing but him keeping 100% ownership? Sounds like fraud, no wonder he's paying her so much!

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 18:36

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:36

she doesn’t allow him to sell his house as she would rather half half the rental money and wants that house as an option to move back here when she pleases

But you said it isn't her house. So she doesn't need to allow him.

Vinvertebrate · 01/11/2025 18:37

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:34

because he doesn’t have a choice. i’ve told him, sell your restaurant, stop renting your marital home out and go and live there, and when the children come you can look after them and it’ll be big enough for all of you. i will live separately with my own child.

Well you’re right to tell him that. But what is his response? And how does it equate to him having “no choice”?

It sounds to me as though the crazy hours give him a convenient excuse not to do the parenting hard yards. He has choices - as do you, OP.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:37

Itiswhysofew · 01/11/2025 18:18

Way too much is being expected of you by your husband. He is being very unreasonable.

What do you see as the solution to it? I think you'll have to tell him that you're leaving and he has to make arrangements for his own children. You then can concentrate on your child. He is really taking advantage of you. He can't continue as he is. His life isn't conducive to caring for 4 young children without you, so he'll have to make drastic changes, but that's not your problem, as you'll be gone and well out of it.

Is it possible for you to go back to your parents and work towards moving out to your own home? I think your child will thank you for doing so. She must be traumatised by the situation.
Flowers

my ideal solution is that he would move back in his marital home and live there himself, and whenever she drops the kids off he can look after them himself and have the space for them. not in my house and expect me to do all the looking after.

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 01/11/2025 18:38

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:37

my ideal solution is that he would move back in his marital home and live there himself, and whenever she drops the kids off he can look after them himself and have the space for them. not in my house and expect me to do all the looking after.

Edited, sorry, cross post.

Well if he won't do this, you'll have to kick him out and that'll probably be the end of the relationship. Can't see what you or your child would lose. You say the step kids make your daughter unsafe so what's the dilemma?

slashlover · 01/11/2025 18:39

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 18:36

she doesn’t allow him to sell his house as she would rather half half the rental money and wants that house as an option to move back here when she pleases

What do you mean "allow"? She can't stop him selling his own property. Meanwhile you squeeze into a 1 bedroom flat while he owns a 4 bedroom house.

CornishTiger · 01/11/2025 18:41

Stop right now! Honestly none of the things you’ve suggested are unreasonable.

Leave. Kindly do some therapy. You walked into this shitty situation. Get a better understanding of your boundaries and why you’ve tolerated it.