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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
UsernameMcUsername · 01/11/2025 17:15

And it's wild he fathered a fifth child with four others under ten already and very finite time and money. Men just don't engage their brains at all.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/11/2025 17:16

You have a DH problem. Stopping looking after his kids if you don’t want to do it. It’s his responsibility, not yours. Let him sort something else.

3IATLAS · 01/11/2025 17:16

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:50

No she asked for 3 k a month. He gives her 2 k a month. it is deffo more than CMS would give her. they have no CMS agreement, this is all informal. his restaurant is not earning much as he is working himself there like a good. also they haven’t gone to court to do custody. she brings them every weekend and every single half term. she would bring them 95% of the time if she could, the only thing stopping her is that they lives 3 hours away. the only reason she keeps these kids is to receive the CM. she doesn’t want them. it’s unfortunate. husband loves them but is unable to give them the care they need. he has offered to take full custody of all of them and not give her CM but she refuses.

He needs to go through CMS

UsernameMcUsername · 01/11/2025 17:17

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 17:14

OPs child is not his child.

Ah ok thanks. Sorry had missed that.

anytipswelcome · 01/11/2025 17:17

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:09

yes he should get them full time, but not on my back. the house we live in is a 1 bedroom flat which i share with my child. whenever his kids come my child has to share their bed with 1 of his kids. my husband and i share the bed with another one of the kids. and the older 2 sleep on the sofa. if he wants to take full custody of his children, he needs to find a suitable house for them and himself and look after them. i’m not against them, but not with me and in my home with my child. why should his 4 children ruin the life of my child?

Well… exactly. So why are you tolerating and facilitating a situation where your child, who is autistic and therefore needs even more stability and calm than others, is suffering because of the chaotic dynamics of your husband and his inability to parent or house his children properly?

ThatCyanCat · 01/11/2025 17:17

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:09

yes he should get them full time, but not on my back. the house we live in is a 1 bedroom flat which i share with my child. whenever his kids come my child has to share their bed with 1 of his kids. my husband and i share the bed with another one of the kids. and the older 2 sleep on the sofa. if he wants to take full custody of his children, he needs to find a suitable house for them and himself and look after them. i’m not against them, but not with me and in my home with my child. why should his 4 children ruin the life of my child?

His four children didn't create this situation, the adults did. Specifically, you and your husband; his ex didn't have a hand in creating your blended family, and you insist on framing what is supposed to be their time with their father as her time to relax. As it sounds as though he does sod all domestically, I can see why you do, but this isn't actually her making.

You and your husband met, decided to marry with his kids in existence and have another child. You're obviously totally entitled to do this, but it's only you and him responsible for sorting it out. If you don't want his kids with you full time ("on your back") then you need to live separately.

I think that until you stop blaming the kids and the ex, and start realising this is all a result of your choices with your husband, you won't find any solution.

Edit: Sorry, forgot for a moment that your child isn't his. But the points still stand. You two created this situation, not the children or the ex.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 01/11/2025 17:20

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:09

yes he should get them full time, but not on my back. the house we live in is a 1 bedroom flat which i share with my child. whenever his kids come my child has to share their bed with 1 of his kids. my husband and i share the bed with another one of the kids. and the older 2 sleep on the sofa. if he wants to take full custody of his children, he needs to find a suitable house for them and himself and look after them. i’m not against them, but not with me and in my home with my child. why should his 4 children ruin the life of my child?

Why is your child more important than his other children?! And it is within your gift to make life better for your child: Move out, back in with your parents, get a job, build up a deposit, and get your own place. It's really not as hard as you are making it.

Gair · 01/11/2025 17:23

@stepparent55 You are clearly very distressed, and possibly feeling very dysregulated, but it is best to try and remain polite in your responses to difficult posts, or just do not reply to them. You do not have to reply if you do not want to.

This thread is going faster than I can type, and have just seen your latest posts re. living in a 1 bed flat etc.

At this point if your parents will house you and your daughter I would leave, even if only temporarily. This might prompt your husband to get his legal ducks in a row and sort his life out. A 1 bed flat is also definitely not suitable for you all in this situation, and is only making everything worse.

Can you talk to your parents about this?

Good luck and much strength to you!

localnotail · 01/11/2025 17:23

It sounds like your husband earns a fair bit of money - get him to pay for a cleaner to come and sort the house up when his kids are around; or get a nanny (pissing in beds and pulling curtains off is gross).

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:24

Gair · 01/11/2025 17:08

OP, I have now read all of your posts up to this point. You are in an awful situation, and unfortunately you are the only one sufficiently motivated (due to the pain and distress it is causing you and your child) to change this situation.

If you truly want to give your DH a chance to sort this out, and think that you and your autistic daughter can cope in this situation until then, give him a (short) period of time to get this mess sorted out. He needs a good family lawyer and some boundaries with his ex. It is insane that he let her have the family home so that the children would not have too much disruption, but that she has now rented it out and unilaterally moved 3 hrs away. This situation needs to be adjudicated by the courts, since the adults involved seem incapable of this. Insist that your DH take the legal/CMS route to sort this out asap. If he won't, you have no option but to leave him for your sanity and for your child.

You mention that your daughter is autistic. Is there any chance that you may be too? I ask because due to social communication and other differences, autistic women are at higher risk of getting into and staying in difficult relationships. If you are autistic, dealing with the chaos your DH brings with him will also take an even greater toll on you than it would on a non-autistc woman.

Wishing you lots of strength to deal with all of this. I hope it works out for you and all the kids involved. Your DH needs to step up quickly to deal with this.

thank you. you are one of the very few people who understand everything. for some reason everyone is making out that the ex is the innocent one. when she had things really good by living in their marital home and he could see the kids every day or every other day and help out with school drops off, pick ups etc, she was living rent free and got CM as well as childcare help as her disposable. she had it good, she decided to disrupt everyone’s lives by living 3 hours away. nothings changed for her as she gets full CM & half the rental. and drops kids off as and when she pleases. for myself and my child our whole lives have become chaotic and both myself and my child basically just live and plan our weeks to support his children. i haven’t been diagnosed with autism but with ADHD

OP posts:
21ZIGGY · 01/11/2025 17:24

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:09

yes he should get them full time, but not on my back. the house we live in is a 1 bedroom flat which i share with my child. whenever his kids come my child has to share their bed with 1 of his kids. my husband and i share the bed with another one of the kids. and the older 2 sleep on the sofa. if he wants to take full custody of his children, he needs to find a suitable house for them and himself and look after them. i’m not against them, but not with me and in my home with my child. why should his 4 children ruin the life of my child?

It's not your home, he's paying for it. Don't think there's any talking to you here on any front.So I think this is kind of run its course now

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 01/11/2025 17:24

Gair · 01/11/2025 17:12

There is no need to be so unpleasant.

This woman is clearly very distressed and needs some support. How isolated must she feel in this situation that she's asking randoms on the internet for advice.

Please show some compassion and empathy, even if you do not agree with her life choices.

Brought her autistic child Into this situation where there are 7 of them sharing a 1 bed at the weekend, slates the children's mother when her DH is just as shit, allows her DH to be a shit father, literally married him because he was a shit father and barely saw his kids and now is complaining about them but refusing to actually do anything. All 5 children deserve better.

My compassion is with the children.

Pallisers · 01/11/2025 17:24

Yes. Go back to your parents (if they will have you). It will be far better for your child than this chaotic, shambles of a life you are living now. Go back to your parents , get a job if you don't have one, take a weekend job the weekends your child is at their dads, start saving for a deposit on a rental. Take some control of your life.

God help those other 4 children because their loser parents certainly won't. Still your responsibility it to your own child.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

so what am i supposed to do? i’m being branded the evil step mother here? but when 4 children have travelled 3 hours and turn up on your doorstep am i supposed to just shut the door on them and tell them to f off? i can’t do that.

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 01/11/2025 17:26

This is an awful situation. It's also really sad your own child is with their dad every single weekend.

your partner sounds like a crap dad and partner, why are you still with him? Take control of your life.

MO0N · 01/11/2025 17:27

You dont deserve the flaming you are getting OP, your partner and his ex are exploiting you. I think you should leave the relationship.

Digdongdoo · 01/11/2025 17:27

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:24

thank you. you are one of the very few people who understand everything. for some reason everyone is making out that the ex is the innocent one. when she had things really good by living in their marital home and he could see the kids every day or every other day and help out with school drops off, pick ups etc, she was living rent free and got CM as well as childcare help as her disposable. she had it good, she decided to disrupt everyone’s lives by living 3 hours away. nothings changed for her as she gets full CM & half the rental. and drops kids off as and when she pleases. for myself and my child our whole lives have become chaotic and both myself and my child basically just live and plan our weeks to support his children. i haven’t been diagnosed with autism but with ADHD

His ex isn't obliged to parent 24/7 just because you moved in with your husband. It's mad that you seem to think she is. She doesn't owe you days off. Get your husband to sort out a schedule or divorce him and pay your own bills.

Addictedtohotbaths · 01/11/2025 17:28

When she comes to drop the kids off, lock all the doors and turn off the lights and switch your phone off.

keep doing it and maybe she’ll get the message??

SoScarletItWas · 01/11/2025 17:29

@stepparent55 ive not read the whole thread but I have read all your posts.

Where were you and DD living before you married and started living together?

Secondly it sounds like this marriage is not suiting you at all. Why would you not get yourself and DD out and divorce? If the answer to my first question is ‘He was living in the flat share and moved into my flat’ then kick him out. You must have been paying rent before you got married?

Thirdly, if the restaurant is only making 700/800 a day, he need to get CMS involved and pay the appropriate level. That cannot be 2k a month.

You have choices here, OP. You can’t see them clearly right now, but you should not and do not have to carry on being the slave.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:30

Gair · 01/11/2025 17:12

There is no need to be so unpleasant.

This woman is clearly very distressed and needs some support. How isolated must she feel in this situation that she's asking randoms on the internet for advice.

Please show some compassion and empathy, even if you do not agree with her life choices.

thank you! to say i feel isolated is an understatement. i have no one to turn to apart from here. everyone is bashing me even though i am stepping up and looking after 4 children every week but yet the mother is the hero and i am the evil thick step mother

OP posts:
ThatCyanCat · 01/11/2025 17:32

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:24

thank you. you are one of the very few people who understand everything. for some reason everyone is making out that the ex is the innocent one. when she had things really good by living in their marital home and he could see the kids every day or every other day and help out with school drops off, pick ups etc, she was living rent free and got CM as well as childcare help as her disposable. she had it good, she decided to disrupt everyone’s lives by living 3 hours away. nothings changed for her as she gets full CM & half the rental. and drops kids off as and when she pleases. for myself and my child our whole lives have become chaotic and both myself and my child basically just live and plan our weeks to support his children. i haven’t been diagnosed with autism but with ADHD

She may have made bad decisions but she's responsible for her life and her kids, not yours. She's not the one who should be doing more parenting to give you a break, your husband is. If you can't live with it, and I don't blame you for that, it's pointless castigating her. Sort it with your husband or end the relationship/live separately.

BuckChuckets · 01/11/2025 17:32

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:03

please don’t assume you know everything. the reason they split up is because she was doing the same thing to him when they lived together. she would not come home sometimes 3/4 nights a week and her phone would be off. he had to close his restaurant so many times as she wasn’t doing what a mother is supposed to do; look after their children.

And he's not doing what a father is meant to do - look after his kids. Why can't you see what a terrible person he is?

BuckChuckets · 01/11/2025 17:33

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:07

because i have no money. where am i supposed to go? back to my parents?. to even get a new flat is minimum £2000 a month + deposit + bills. where am i supposed to find the money to leave and start a new life?

Grow up.

outerspacepotato · 01/11/2025 17:34

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:06

if he had them full time when we got together i would not move in with him. very simple. why would i disrupt my own autistic child’s life with 4 other children that are strangers?

Why are you tolerating it now?

loseuss · 01/11/2025 17:34

BuckChuckets · 01/11/2025 17:32

And he's not doing what a father is meant to do - look after his kids. Why can't you see what a terrible person he is?

Because Op is the same as him. Every woman enabling a not great father and demonising or blaming their ex and children, is no better than said man.