i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

In your position the first thing I would do is tell your husband you cannot look after his children anymore. Give the responsibility back to him. You’re not being terrible he is. They are his children not yours. He needs to look after them. Not you. Blaming his ex is not the answer.

I don't think anyone actually thinks you are evil or thick. We are on the outside looking in at what you have told us. It can be very hard to see things from our point of view when you're in the middle of it all.

But you are avoiding the question - what are you going to do about it? It seems clear that the situation will not change if you don't take steps to make it change. This may include things you don't necessarily want to do - such as moving back with your parents until you have a job and save up enough until you can fund your own flat. It seems as though you see no way out, when there are options.

This is wild.

The step kids are ruining your life but the alternative - leaving and supporting yourself and your child off your own income is unfathomable. So you expect a bunch of neglected kids to take the hit so that you can swan about, not working and living off upur DH in peace.

The fact that your DH works long hours and has fathered 4 kids he can't support apparently isnt the issue. That works well far you as long as you don't have to lift a finger.

Or have I got thins wrong?

Your posts are full of (largely contradictory) drip feeds. At least keep a spreadsheet of what you posts so it doesn't read like total BS fiction.

I wouldn’t like it but that’s the risk you take by marrying a man with 4 kids. What can’t you understand about this? Custody arrangements can change, people can die, take mentally or physically unwell. It’s massively short sighted to assume things will always remain the same.

So yeah you do look like a daycare- to your husband! And it’s probably a major reason why he married you. Wise up and do better.

You seem to be angry at everyone but your OH, he’s the only one that can make this better

Then stop doing it. Get a job and move out.
You can't compel your DH or his ex to change, so take control of your own life.

It's not that everyone is calling the step mother the 'innocent' one. Rather everyone is rightly telling you that the person who is taking advantage of you and treating you badly is your husband, not his ex.

Your husband is the one who:

• works seven days a week, leaving you to care for four children which aren't yours
• pays a large amount of money which you can't afford to his ex instead of going through the courts to have a fair amount of maintenance set
• forces you to babysit
• lets his kids trash your house and doesn't clean up after them
• leaves his kids in the care of a neglectful alcoholic

You post as though the solution to your husband's astonishing selfishness, laziness and neglect is for his ex to look after their shared children 100% of the time. All posters are pointing out is that while you are an unfair victim in this situation, the solution isn't for your husband to simply palm his responsibility off on his ex instead of you. He is the problem, he is the one who has to fix his behaviour, not you or the ex.

If you think there is no real chance of him changing (and it doesn't sound like he ever will) you have to plan your exit from this marriage. You say that's not possible right now but you can plan for a future point where it's an option. When does your masters end? Does that lead into job prospects for you? Once you're working can you start saving for a deposit etc on a new flat? Could you move in with your parents temporarily to save money? Are you entitled to any benefits? Can you relocate to a cheaper area? Start asking these questions and working out how much money you need to leave and how you're going to save it.

when did i state my child is more important than his? i had one child, and i looking after them 24:7. the only reason my child goes to their days 1 day a week every weekend is because the dad makes time for my child and asks to have her to spend time with her. i dont ask him to nor do i make him. he chooses this time and i respect that as id never stop my child having a relationship with their dad. so that time my child is with her dad, by her own fathers accord not because i make him; is my time off. it isn’t every weekend as sometimes the dad will give me notice he has plans or is working and can’t see her and that’s fine. i still look after my child myself and don’t expect any else too. unfortunately i did not tell my ex to procreate 4 times with a woman that doesn’t want to be a mother and isn’t capable. having said that, my role as his wife, is only to support him and his children. for example, cook for them when i can, take them to a fun activity, read to them etc. the parenting duties are not my responsibility or my problem. it is his ex wife’s and his. however they are being made my problem and have been for the last 1 year +. which is only unfair to me and my child.

the ex is not a victim as she knows very well he is unable to look after the children and i am the one doing so and still doesn’t care.

if the roles were reversed, and my ex husband was making his new wife watch my child and not be present? do you think id even let my child go there for an hour? let alone a whole weekend? never.

so it’s not about his kids being more important or mine. my child is important to me, his kids are important to him. it’s not my job to fill in the gap where both parents are unable / unwilling to. this is what it all comes down to.

This sounds like an absolute nightmare for you!! The ex wife sounds awful, totally taking advantage of you and those poor children too being driven 3 hours and dumped in a one bedroom flat.
I would work out CSA rates and pay her that not a penny more or go via the courts for 50:50 as you are nearly doing that anyway and pay her nothing and with the £2000 saved you can afford a different place.
I would have fled long since.

Nobody is treating you like the evil stepmother.We are saying leave. The fact that you can't afford to leave is a you problem.It's not a problem for your husband or his ex wife or their kids. Get a job.

School playground level commentary is really not helpful though is it? Do you have anything useful or considered to tell this very distressed woman? I am sure you can be more constructive than "Grow up".

This is how I see it I’m afresh too!
what would you be doing if you hadn’t met him and you still lived at your parents , would you be working or studying as you do now?

What did you see in him, OP? When you started dating him and discovered that he worked 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, had 4 kids that he barely saw and lived in a 1 bed flat?
What about that situation made you think that he was a guy to hitch yourself and your daughter to?

because that’s how they were raised. all those children do is fight each other, make mess, break all my child’s toys, and even inflict violence on my child and make of her as she’s autistic. they ruin everything that belongs to her such as her toys and bed. and this home is supposed to be a safe place for my child. not one my child dreads coming to in fear that the other kids will be there.

the reason they act like this is because they can. they’re dad is not around to tell them off. i can’t tell them off as god knows what they’d say after that i was bullying or abusing them. im just left breaking down crying every weekend with no help, financially, physically or mentally and 4 children who have 0 respect.

It’s absolutely no different to your child going off for the weekend.

I do really feel for you op and she is one CF ex.
You say dh pays more cm than he needs to? I agree with pp that you will have to start sorting this out legally, i.e.. sell the family home that ex rents out, get actual firm access arrangements so she can't just dump dsc off and stop paying over the top CM (you can financially help dsc out in other ways that may even benefit them more)
Hopefully this may enable your dh to take at least one day a week off, even if it's a Monday, it should also free up some money to help you hire some Saturday help with the children.
Good luck, I hope you manage to strike a better balance.

I assume your husband, who is 'child free' all week, is helping to care for your children Monday throw Friday?

OP, this sounds so unsuitable.

You’re clearly trying to make it work with what you have, but - if I’ve understood this correctly? - you have a situation where a child who is unrelated to you is sleeping in your bed with you, a child who is unrelated to your autistic DD is sleeping in bed with her, and two siblings (one of whom is presumably 10?) are also sharing a sofa bed.

If this is truly what you’re forced to do, I think you should move back with your parents. The set up you’ve described sounds like it is bad for everyone, including the children. I also wonder if at some point it would be helpful to have social services involved, to offer support and guidance.

no, i am not saying he shouldn’t parent. he should go visit them like he was doing so before. parent them at her house since he unable to look after them at my house

Exactly, so what are you going to do?

Oh I don't think the mother is the hero.

If you're all in a 1-bed flat I can see why you're tearing your hair out.
I think what people are getting at is that your Dh should be the one stepping in here.
He needs to get proper, court-ordered child arrangements in place - EOW would give you at least some free weekends. He needs to sort out fair maintenance, and cut his hours so he can spend time with his DC.
Did he sign the house over to her - or just let her live there? It's ridiculous that you're all in a 1-bed flat with 4 DC every weekend, while she lives 3 hours away & collects rent on the house.
Only your DH can put these in place to make your life easier.

Why don't you break the cycle and go home to your parents next weekend? That way you get a rest from it. Let your DH deal with his kids for once. It's a horrible situation OP you're in, but you're also the person that is enabling it. If you weren't there, what would he do?

well for starters for myself husband and child i’d have to pay only 100-150£ a week food shopping. when his 4 kids come i have to do an extra £100-150 food shop every weekend to stock up for them. the mother brings them without any clothes, so i have to buy them all an extra pair of clothes from tesco every weekend. when i take them out in the weekend for example park or to a games arcade i have to pay this myself. how is it no on my back? on top of being a free full time baby sitter for them every time they come.

Bluntly, your responsibility has to be to your child first. You need to take her somewhere she feels safe, even if just temporarily. This whole situation is so sad, I’m sorry, but your duty is to your DD first and foremost.