i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

please don’t assume you know everything. the reason they split up is because she was doing the same thing to him when they lived together. she would not come home sometimes 3/4 nights a week and her phone would be off. he had to close his restaurant so many times as she wasn’t doing what a mother is supposed to do; look after their children.

Why would the house be such a shit hole if you left for the weekend? Why are curtains being pulled off? The children are old enough not to be pissing in the beds for gods sakes.

I would leave him and not look back.

He pays the rent of the flat, however i am paying the household bills, council tax, and food shopping as that’s all i can afford.

When your daughter is with you she is sharing a bedroom with you and this man? ??

Are you legally married to him?
Why can't you return to your parents' home?

Why can't you move back in with your parents? Surely, it's better than the current situation?

This 100x

your problem is with the parent of those kids who you have chosen to have a relationship with, who is not making adequate childcare provision.

But he has four. You knew he had four when you got together. And there was always a likelihood the circumstances could change somewhat, and even a possibility they could change massively (ultimately if anything incapacitating happened to the mother he would become a fulltime parent overnight) . Also regarding money, even if you want to argue about exact amounts, a man with four kids already will always have significant financial demands to meet. And they won't stop when the children turn 18 - all half-decent parents pitch in with driving lessons, housing deposits, support for further education etc if they can at all. I know we're all the bearer of bad news on this thread and I'm sorry, but it is what it is to a large extent. Your OH chose to have those children and they are as much his responsibility as your child is.

So he really thought the solution to her being a bad parent, was to leave the children with her? Right.
And you now live together in a one bedroom flat? With 5 children between you? Your daughter shares a bedroom with him?
For God's sake. The lot of you are useless parents. Shame on all of you.

This is an incredibly dysfunctional set up.

It sounds like your husband has it made with leaving you to parent his kids while he works 24/7. But you're dependent on him financially while you study, so there's a mutual dependency.

Then the ex wife is dependent on you to parent her kids at weekends as your husband can't/won't do it.

The kids are the losers in all this....being neglected by an alcoholic mum, a workaholic dad and a stepmum who resents them.

So very dysfunctional and the only way out is to sort clear boundaries and force your husband to be a father. But i suspect you're getting something out of this arrangement financially which makes it harder.

As I said, the kids are the losers. Very sad.

his earnings are not 250 k a year. where are you getting this from! we can barley make ends meet to pay the rent. he hasn’t got a restaurant in mayfair where he’s making 20,000£ a day. his restaurant is making 700/800 a day max. most of those earnings are used to pay employers, business rates, business bills, stock and to pay CM. husband and i only get whatever is remaining after all of these earnings which i can assure you is not enough.

because i have no money. where am i supposed to go? back to my parents?. to even get a new flat is minimum £2000 a month + deposit + bills. where am i supposed to find the money to leave and start a new life?

So op when is your DH free to parent his four children?? Are you saying he should never parent or spend time with his children as he works 24/7?? Your anger is very misguided, your husband needs to step up and take time off to spend time with his children.
You say he needs to work 24/7 to afford two families, do you work op?

Get a job?

OP, I have now read all of your posts up to this point. You are in an awful situation, and unfortunately you are the only one sufficiently motivated (due to the pain and distress it is causing you and your child) to change this situation.

If you truly want to give your DH a chance to sort this out, and think that you and your autistic daughter can cope in this situation until then, give him a (short) period of time to get this mess sorted out. He needs a good family lawyer and some boundaries with his ex. It is insane that he let her have the family home so that the children would not have too much disruption, but that she has now rented it out and unilaterally moved 3 hrs away. This situation needs to be adjudicated by the courts, since the adults involved seem incapable of this. Insist that your DH take the legal/CMS route to sort this out asap. If he won't, you have no option but to leave him for your sanity and for your child.

You mention that your daughter is autistic. Is there any chance that you may be too? I ask because due to social communication and other differences, autistic women are at higher risk of getting into and staying in difficult relationships. If you are autistic, dealing with the chaos your DH brings with him will also take an even greater toll on you than it would on a non-autistc woman.

Wishing you lots of strength to deal with all of this. I hope it works out for you and all the kids involved. Your DH needs to step up quickly to deal with this.

How rude you are, of course I'm not thick. All I see is a whiny entitled poster who knew full well her partner had 4 kids. And clearly resents them. Does it matter if he can't look after them because he's working, he needs to make time? WHAT PART OF THEY ARE YOUR DHs CHILDREN don't you understand? They are going nowhere.

I had a similar issue. Every weekend was too much. I made dh change it so that it was then same amount of overnights per year but not every weekend he would have his dc for example 3 weeks every summer holiday . It gave us some gaps in between which made everyone happier

yes he should get them full time, but not on my back. the house we live in is a 1 bedroom flat which i share with my child. whenever his kids come my child has to share their bed with 1 of his kids. my husband and i share the bed with another one of the kids. and the older 2 sleep on the sofa. if he wants to take full custody of his children, he needs to find a suitable house for them and himself and look after them. i’m not against them, but not with me and in my home with my child. why should his 4 children ruin the life of my child?

Also if what you're saying about the state of the children and the mother is true (sorry - I take everything on here with a pinch of salt 😂) your OH really needs to step up and actually be prepared to be more involved, beyond just stepping up at weekends.

And he had four kids with her? And now leaves the newest woman to look after them when they come to see their father?

There is no need to be so unpleasant.

This woman is clearly very distressed and needs some support. How isolated must she feel in this situation that she's asking randoms on the internet for advice.

Please show some compassion and empathy, even if you do not agree with her life choices.

How exactly is it on your back? You aren't paying the rent? You aren't even supporting your own one child, so why are you whining as though you're paying for his?

...well they are all HIS children equally, your child is no more important than any given one of his. His responsibility to all of them is equal.

Anyway you're right, but he needs to hear this, not us.

OPs child is not his child.

Op, you have a DH problem here and not a problem with his ex. He's letting you pick up his slack. He needs to get CMS involved and social services if she's drinking whilst caring for 4 kids ffs. If you had the kids full time and he wasn't paying her £2k a month you could afford someone better to live for a start and he could pay a nanny to help out before and after school.

Otherwise, you walk away.