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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/11/2025 16:34

WhistPie · 01/11/2025 16:19

Your problem isn't the children, it's expecting someone to support you and your daughter whilst doing a masters degree. Ever thought of being self-sufficient and getting a full time job?

I wondered this myself, and it's noticeable that OP's made no mention of how much (if anything) she's paying towards the household financially

I agree it's really the DP's job to sort out, but if OP really isn't making any other contribution, expecting her to take on some of the childcare may look rather diffferent

As so many have said the other alternative would be to walk, but again IF he's meeting most or all of the expenses that may look less appealing

Tigerbalmshark · 01/11/2025 16:35

Zempy · 01/11/2025 14:49

I feel so sorry for all the children in this shitshow but especially OPs child.

Can you explain why you are continuing to live like this @stepparent55

It’s probably the money. For her DH to be paying £2k per month, his earnings must be at least £250k per year. And that’s assuming he doesn’t officially have them overnight.

PersephonePomegranate · 01/11/2025 16:36

No, its not right that all the parenting is left to you, but fuck me - 4 kids?! You presumably knew how often he had them before you married him unless that's recently changed?

Stop banging on about another woman getting time for herself (after all, your complaint is that you are not getting time to yourself, so its hardly an unreasonable thing to want, us it?) and start criticising your husband first not looking after his own children.

I cant imagine what you were thinking when you not only got involved with but married a man with 4 children!

AndSoFinally · 01/11/2025 16:37

How much should he be paying according to the CMS calculator? You can work that out yourself. He needs to reduce his payments to this and use the difference to pay for weekend childcare. Tell him from X date you will no longer be looking after the children on the weekend, and mean it.

If the ex is only in this for the money (as you say), then she may well decide to keep them more often at the weekends to increase the CMS payments again

Either way, you need to grow a backbone and state what you will and won’t be doing from now on, or nothing is going to change. Yes you have a DH problem, but people will only treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. What’s the worst that would happen if you just drop the rope here?

BrokenWingsCantFly · 01/11/2025 16:37

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:07

they are NOT taken as there is no court order in place stating we have to look after them every weekend and half term. this is something she has chosen and forced upon him. i have told him several times to get a court order but his excuse is he wants to keep the peace with her.

Wow, he would rather upset you and cause chaos for your life rather than risk upsetting her. Why does he let her have so much control over everything? He is keeping a great deal of his money tied into a joint asset with her so she gets extra income there, then gives her above and beyond in CM when you are still having to spend out to look after them for the entire weekend and holidays. They both got a good free childminder in you.

Don't know why you have put up with this so long. Why not cut your losses now and reclaim your life back. What do you actually get from this marriage? You only see him a couple of hours each night. You spend more time looking after his kids alone than you do having any quality time with him. Why put up with all this and having kids wet your child bed and create all the extra work for you.

Tell them both in no uncertain terms than you are no longer doing any childminding when DH is not around. If she just shows up she will have to wait until DH comes home as you will not be answering. Do as she does, go out and turn your phone off. If this don't work then you have 2 choices, accept this is your life now and the ex feelings trumps yours, or walk away. Fund someone without 4 kids and an extra important ex

Menapausemum1974 · 01/11/2025 16:37

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

@stepparent55 this is all crazy!
Tell you husband to go through the CSA and get a proper agreement for the custody/ access if he is paying over the odds then this will be reduced and he can take time off at weekends to parent

MidnightColours · 01/11/2025 16:37

What is your husband doing, if you take care of all of the following: "Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care."
If this is him "helping out", what would not doing much look like. Also, shouldn't he do more than "help out" in this way?
Maybe book yourself a hotel stay from time to time and let him get on with it?

OldBalkanNationalistGrumpy · 01/11/2025 16:39

why did you take the man ??

amber763 · 01/11/2025 16:39

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

I was with you until this comment. You sound utterly heartless! You dont think those are poor kids? Your husband and you should be trying to get them full time if they're living in these conditions.

Diarygirlqueen · 01/11/2025 16:40

I have no sympathy for you. You basically said you only married him because he saw his kids daily but never stayed the night with him and if they did, you wouldn't have moved in with him.
So it's OK for your child to live in your home but not his children?
Them poor children. I could cry for them.

NET145 · 01/11/2025 16:41

Don’t see it as a “trade” because it’s not. There needs to be some weekend where you have no children ie they’re all with their other parents - at least occasionally - could this be arranged possibly?
or ask your partner to spend a couple of hours cleaning and tidying after his children visit. Or he can pay for a cleaner…

Bepo77 · 01/11/2025 16:46

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:07

they are NOT taken as there is no court order in place stating we have to look after them every weekend and half term. this is something she has chosen and forced upon him. i have told him several times to get a court order but his excuse is he wants to keep the peace with her.

How would a court order help? A court order for what, zero hours? Apparently he has none.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/11/2025 16:46

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:59

nothing, he was living in a flat share with friends she never brang the children to him once! as she knew he is working and can’t look after them. the minute he moved in with me she brang them every week.

And this didn’t give you any kind of clue that he was a useless parent and thus a selfish person? That’s kinda mad that you missed that.

MellowPinkDeer · 01/11/2025 16:47

ilovepixie · 01/11/2025 14:12

You knew he had 4 kids. Did you want him to be the sort of man who never sees his kids?

He never sees his kids anyway. He’s always at work.

honestly @stepparent55there is no universe in which I’d stand for this. Get rid of him out of your life and home. No one needs someone else’s 4 kids every weekend.

also just start saying bloody no!

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2025 16:50

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:50

No she asked for 3 k a month. He gives her 2 k a month. it is deffo more than CMS would give her. they have no CMS agreement, this is all informal. his restaurant is not earning much as he is working himself there like a good. also they haven’t gone to court to do custody. she brings them every weekend and every single half term. she would bring them 95% of the time if she could, the only thing stopping her is that they lives 3 hours away. the only reason she keeps these kids is to receive the CM. she doesn’t want them. it’s unfortunate. husband loves them but is unable to give them the care they need. he has offered to take full custody of all of them and not give her CM but she refuses.

Then take her to court

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2025 16:52

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:07

they are NOT taken as there is no court order in place stating we have to look after them every weekend and half term. this is something she has chosen and forced upon him. i have told him several times to get a court order but his excuse is he wants to keep the peace with her.

He takes her to court and you leave him

I feel sorry for all the children but this is ridiculous

And all you're doing is venting

Mix56 · 01/11/2025 16:55

"It's not your problem to solve for him ... even though I suspect it's why you're there.
I'd tell him he needs to arrange weekend babysitters for his children as you are no longer going to be available to sort his children out for him. Tell him he'll also need to arrange for a cleaner if he's going to allow them to trash the house and not pick up after themselves or he's not going to do it. You're not the nanny/maid. You're his wife. And he's treating you like the unpaid help.
Mean it. Go stay with a friend next weekend. Hammer the point home."

He can afford it, he can get his house rental money, he can take her to court to sort out his contact times & pay via CMS. he doesn't want to as you are his child care solution.
You can also just take yourself away permanently

PuppyMonkey · 01/11/2025 16:56

So if you’re not in on Friday and she drops the kids round to the restaurant, let him sort the problem out. Book yourself and DD a holiday or go and stay with your own family and don’t answer the phone. Perhaps having to actually close the restaurant and deal with the issue will focus his mind a bit.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:57

Diarygirlqueen · 01/11/2025 16:40

I have no sympathy for you. You basically said you only married him because he saw his kids daily but never stayed the night with him and if they did, you wouldn't have moved in with him.
So it's OK for your child to live in your home but not his children?
Them poor children. I could cry for them.

because I have 1! he has 4. it’s very unfair. if he had one or even two then yes i would take them in a heart beat. he live in a 1 bedroom flat. we share a room with my child. however taking in one or two children full time i would happily do it and wing it. 4 children all under 10 & bad behaved + mine 5 who is autistic. wtf do i look like? a day care?

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 01/11/2025 16:58

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:35

of course i understand his kids will come. i accept them the same way he accepts mine. what is not fair is on my child free weekends im left to look after his 4 children. i have to give up my life so that the children’s mum gets free weekends.

Why on earth are you blaming their Mum? The kids are here to stay with their other parent! Your DH FFS it's nothing to do with her having a free weekend 🙄

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:00

This reply has been deleted

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PinkyFlamingo · 01/11/2025 17:00

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

You resent him actually paying for his kids. Wow

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 17:01

Beamur · 01/11/2025 13:30

You have a husband problem.
I helped my DH when our SC were home but it wasn't my responsibility to care for them. It's his contact time.
Why are you not pulling him up?

I am, he promises me he’ll do better and things will change. I have no where to go, I can’t move back in with my parents.

OP posts:
MID50s · 01/11/2025 17:02

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:57

because I have 1! he has 4. it’s very unfair. if he had one or even two then yes i would take them in a heart beat. he live in a 1 bedroom flat. we share a room with my child. however taking in one or two children full time i would happily do it and wing it. 4 children all under 10 & bad behaved + mine 5 who is autistic. wtf do i look like? a day care?

You’re angry at the wrong people!
you need to be saying this to your partner !!!

GreenHolly · 01/11/2025 17:02

Surely if you went to court you’d be in a better situation? The children aren’t spending any time with their father.

Doesn’t sound like there is any peace to keep - go to court. Then she can’t just drop them at the restaurant or whatever.

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