i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

I agree with your friends and family. You married a man with four children. If anything happened to his wife, presumably he would have them fulltime. It's your role to care for them when they are with you both. I don't see the problem.

Your problem isn't the children, it's expecting someone to support you and your daughter whilst doing a masters degree. Ever thought of being self-sufficient and getting a full time job?

Someone SHOULD call SS ..l.as OP has said the ex is an alcoholic who doesn’t meet the basic care needs of the children….so OP is complicit by having this knowledge and not taking any action

But then she'd have nobody else to blame!

This.
You say you can't do it anymore, so don't.
It's ruining your life.
For goodness sake, just walk away. Then you can enjoy your weeks with your child and your free weekends. Lovely.

The way you speak about your step-childrens mother is disgusting

You are not a bystander in your own life OP. The choices you have made led to this situation. You're not happy so you can:

1: Remain as you are

2: Divorce your husband

3: Stay in a relationship with your husband but live separately

4: Stay in a relationship with your husband but go away every single weekend - including those you have your child - so you aren’t there when his children arrive. What happens to the children is between your DH and his ex. Not your problem.

5: Persuade your Dh to go to court for a proper contact arrangement. If he refuses, then pick option 1) or 2).

Your DH isn’t pulling his weight and you’re making all the excuses in the world for him while pointing the finger at the ex for daring to expect him to act like a father.

If you pick option 4) or 5) then he needs to clean up the house and do the stepchild-related chores.

Pick an option. The current situation isn’t fair on your child and it’s certainly not fair on your poor stepchildren.

I know this will sound harsh, but if you take on a man with children you will end up tied to the children, the ex, their whole family dynamic....its a package deal. And even if it seems ok at the start, it can change. Ultimately the other parent could die in a random car accident tomorrow and suddenly you have four living with you fulltime. Focusing your ire on the ex isn't constructive. Ultimately unless she's an unusually unselfish person she will always do what she feels suits her / her children's interests. She will understandably view you and your household arrangements as OH's problem! So I would focus on your OH. And if your OH can't / won't change things, you have to decide what you are willing to live with. I'm sure LTB also has its massive issues.

YABU and also a bit toxic here.

you say things like ‘he pays more than child maintenance etc’- it’s not a race to the bottom. Why would any self respecting parent do the bare minimum for their children? You should do all you can. Yet you expect him to do less because they aren’t your children.

the issue is you chose to have a child with a man who can’t afford to keep 5 children financed and cannot provide childcare to any of this children apparently.

but you blame the ex partner for this. And for that you’re being toxic. You say you need a break after 2 days of looking after 4 kids, how do you think she feels doing 5 days in a row. With no back up because the children’s own dad decided to have more children and work constantly.

it sounds messy and damaging to the children to be in the presence of a woman thinks their dad should give them less money and see them less.

you are completely right that it’s unfair ypu do all the childcare on weekends, when it’s your partners contact time. If it really won’t change then you should probably live apart until he can secure more income or rethink his priorities. Life is really expensive now and to have 5 children is wild! I’m sorry this is really hard but you need to stop the jealousy to the ex. You shouldn’t have a kid with someone who couldn’t take care of his previous kids and expect it to improve. Best of luck. But withdraw your free childcare doesn’t make you unreasonable.

This is actually a brilliant point. The Op is as big a drain on the dad/husband as she complains that the ex wife is.

You’re being an absolute doormat here. You need to lay down the law to your DH. He MUST take one day off at the weekend. Tell him you will NOT be looking after them one day (I’d say neither day but 1 day is being kind). If he can’t afford the £2k, then go through the CMS. You need to find your courage and sort this mess out.

Why indeed?

seemingly because you are so desperate for a man you’ll do anything for it, even if he’s awful, even making your own child spend one day a week with them.

Presumably that's the reason she's enabling the situation.

Sorry I’ve only read the first page so might have repeated other thoughts.

Cant your husband have every 4th weekend off? Book a cheap Travelodge/room for yourself and stay away.

I don’t think you should live with this guy. It seems like madness to me that you stay at home and look after 4 children who aren’t yours all weekend or return to the house wrecked. Of course he’s not going to change anything, this suits him pretty well. I would tell him it has to stop; the divorce arrangements need to be formalised and you won’t live in a house where he doesn’t parent his own kids, doesn’t expect his ex to parent the kids although he pays for her to do so, and expects you to provide free childcare for your entire weekend. As you say, you are not a slave.

Start looking for another place to live and maybe another man with fewer children or a less alcoholic ex.

Child free weekends - what are these? Where can I sign up for them?
Oh wait.
You split up with the baby daddy..i get it now.

you're just annoyed she did the same.

You need to grow up.

So does DH ever actually see his own kids??

Another vote for move out.

Your husband isn't going to do anything to change the situation, like give up the business that isn't doing great and is taking him away from his wife and kids all day everyday, and their mother won't change. You can change things. Which would make you more miserable- current situation continues, and you get more resentful and stressed and taken for granted, or you live separately from the husband you never see much anyway?

YANBU to want time for yourself. YABU because you knew he has 4 kids of a previous partner. YANBU to tell him to do more with them a book some time for yourself every now and them.

Leave. It’s really that simple. End the relationship. Have him move out. Tell him cohabiting is not working and until he finds a life/work balance your relationship needs space. You said yourself you’re his slave. You are allowing this to continue. Your own posts suggest he is doing nothing to care for you, that he knows exactly what he’s doing.

There is only one answer and you’re being told so over and over here. End this farce. Focus on your own child and let him deal with his own mess.

this!
go out and see what happens!
surely your husband must have set days, etc when to have kids, she can’t just turn up and dump them on you unannounced but he should be stepping up, they are not your kids!

Well yes, I clearly didn't say OP needed to fill in the gaps. It doesn't sound like OPs particularly capable of saying no.

All adults have a responsibility to safeguard children. OP is still sitting by and watching 4 children turn up dirty week on week with an alcoholic mother and a father who doesn't seem to be providing any care or clothes for his children

I agree with another poster, you are blaming your husband's ex, because it's easier to blame her, than face up to the reality that your husband is a poor Father. Running a restaurant and working 12 hours per day, 7 days a week, is not compatible with raising a family. Now we are being told that he's refused to go to Court to get a Child Arrangement Order, because he wants to keep the peace with his ex. Also he's not gone through official CS channels either, this is a figure his ex has presumably chosen??? In which case your husband may be required by law to pay less, and if he did have a CAO he could state that he saw his children every other weekend. I understand that the Mum moved 3 hours away, so seeing the children in the week, realistically isn't an option. Your husband is refusing to do anything about the situation because he has you at home providing free childcare every weekend, leaving him able to carry on his life as normal. Have you spoken to your husband regarding how you feel? What would his reaction be if you told him you were no longer willing to provide childcare? Are you financially independent or are you completely reliant on him? You need to start by having a conversation with your husband. If he refuses to engage and either not change his working pattern or finding alternative childcare, then divorce him. He's prioritising himself, not his children and most definitely not you. You may be a step-Mum, but you aren't responsible for his children, they are his, and he needs to recognise that and make changes so he can parent them.

The court may also say that 2k a month is too much, it needs to be sorted or I would leave him

Time for you to insist your DH goes to court to get a child arrangements order - hopefully 50:50 minimum, goes to the CMS to get that set out by them - if 50:50 then there'll be nothing for him to pay usually, and then step back from work a little so he can actually parent his kids when he has them.
If he won't do any of that then you know what you need to do.