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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 01/11/2025 16:00

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:36

yes i know, but neither he or the ex or doing anything about that. and who’s left to do all the work, me?

You're not being held at gunpoint OP - you don't have to do this.

Stop being so passive and start protecting your child. She didn't ask for any of this. Do better for her if you won't do it for yourself.

BoringBarbie · 01/11/2025 16:00

Why the hell are you doing this? They're not your kids.

Take your child and go live your life.

You're not a partner, you're an unpaid Nanny.

Anyahyacinth · 01/11/2025 16:01

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

He had 4 kids and is responsible for them...your anger is misplaced. The £2000 isnt for her. If the mother is genuinely an alcoholic this may explain the children's behaviour. You need your husband to be a parent which he is failing to be

Bearbookagainandagain · 01/11/2025 16:02

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

You're really being ridiculous blaming your husband's ex. There is no law in this country that can force him to see his children (unfortunately IMO). So if they are at yours every weekend, that's because he agreed to this arrangement. Surely you should know that since you have such an arrangement yourself.
As for the 2k a month, it's based on his income. So he doesn't have to work 12h a day every day, it's a choice and a lifestyle.

Stop blaming her, your husband is the problem.

CocoPlum · 01/11/2025 16:03

How did you even start a relationship with him? You have your child throughout the week and he has 4 children and runs a restaurant so those 12 hour days aren't ending at 5pm ... when did you ever get to even date, let alone enough to get married?

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:05

Outside9 · 01/11/2025 15:39

I'm sure you didn't get married in one week so should've had a good sense of what the reality was going to be like.

when we didn’t live together, he allowed her to live in the house they owned together and raise the 4 kids there. she wasn’t paying anything towards the house as the house was paid off. now she rents that house and keeps half the income herself. and decided to move 3 hours away. my husband moved out of the house to avoid disrupting the children’s lives and lived in a shared flat with house mates. during that time he would see the kids every day or every other day after school or on weekends for a few hours as he couldn’t take them to his flat share as there is no space for 4 kids to sleep. the ex moved away 3 hours far without his consent. she had it really good living in their marital home with the kids and on top of that my husband was still giving her 2 k a month. she decided to disrupt everyone’s lives and move over 3 hours away. now she keeps half the rental income of that house & 2 k CM. during that first year we were together when she was living in the marital home it was a really good living situation. as he saw his kids daily, would drop them school, pick them up etc. take them out every other day for a few hours. so we decided to move in together. i thought the arrangement would stay the same. that i wouldn’t have anything to do with the kids unless i wanted to help out when and if i could, and he’d see them how he normally was. since we lived together she changed the entire dynamic and caused chaos to my life and my child’s life.

OP posts:
crackersancheese · 01/11/2025 16:06

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

So he needs to rethink his working life, family balance. Like every other working parent. It's not the mother's fault he works 12 hours a day. He needs to prioritise his children

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:06

Itwouldbesonice · 01/11/2025 13:40

Where is he when you are looking after his children all weekend?

But also, four kids?! Anyone would know that would be hard work and obviously he already had them when you met and then chose to marry him. You sound more resentful at the ex wife than him. What if he had them full-time?

if he had them full time when we got together i would not move in with him. very simple. why would i disrupt my own autistic child’s life with 4 other children that are strangers?

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 01/11/2025 16:07

Honestly, I think your Dh needs to do a cms calculation based on her frequently dropping the dc more than weekends and possibly you need to move back out for the sake of your mh.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:07

Tryingatleast · 01/11/2025 13:40

Op honestly I would guess their mum would love to have them, she’s not off having a holiday- her kids are taken from her for two days a week. Do you honestly not feel the same?

they are NOT taken as there is no court order in place stating we have to look after them every weekend and half term. this is something she has chosen and forced upon him. i have told him several times to get a court order but his excuse is he wants to keep the peace with her.

OP posts:
WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 01/11/2025 16:08

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:06

if he had them full time when we got together i would not move in with him. very simple. why would i disrupt my own autistic child’s life with 4 other children that are strangers?

You tell us - because that's exactly what you've done!

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 01/11/2025 16:10

What's the point of this thread? Seriously? All you want to do is blame his ex while you help your DH climb up to his hero pedestal you've put him on when all it actually means is he can stand up there avoiding being a father. Fucking grow up

StepAwayFromGoogling · 01/11/2025 16:10

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:07

they are NOT taken as there is no court order in place stating we have to look after them every weekend and half term. this is something she has chosen and forced upon him. i have told him several times to get a court order but his excuse is he wants to keep the peace with her.

OK, I'll shout it then, YOU HAVE A DH PROBLEM. He needs to apply for contact and CMS PROPERLY. Then he might be able to, you know, actually spend some time with HIS OWN CHILDREN. Jesus wept.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 01/11/2025 16:11

You need to divorce. You resent the exW, your DH and the situation.

Dancingsquirrels · 01/11/2025 16:11

Poor kids, all of them

Is he supporting you financially?

Can you afford to leave?

You cant control what your partner and his do. What are you going to do, to improve the situation?

FinallyHere · 01/11/2025 16:11

Seems pretty simple to me.

Move out and leave him to it.

SpinningaCompass · 01/11/2025 16:12

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:39

working full time 12 hours a day :(

IT's not your problem to solve for him ... even though I suspect it's why you're there.

I'd tell him he needs to arrange weekend babysitters for his children as you are no longer going to be available to sort his children out for him. Tell him he'll also need to arrange for a cleaner if he's going to allow them to trash the house and not pick up after themselves or he's not going to do it. You're not the nanny/maid. You're his wife. And he's treating you like the unpaid help.

Mean it. Go stay with a friend next weekend. Hammer the point home.

Anyahyacinth · 01/11/2025 16:12

You've described a man seeing his 4 children 1 evening a week for a year, sounds like BM has moved closer to family (perfectly natural after a break up). Maybe she thinks it her turn to have the freedom your DP does? The problem is your DP as BM is caring for the majority of the time even in your explanation of events. As someone with an MA too I'm not sure why that is taking so much of your time if you aren't working outside your home as well?
Anyhow...your problem is your partner ceding the work to you...your anger with BM and children is misplaced

SpinningaCompass · 01/11/2025 16:13

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:07

they are NOT taken as there is no court order in place stating we have to look after them every weekend and half term. this is something she has chosen and forced upon him. i have told him several times to get a court order but his excuse is he wants to keep the peace with her.

Cares more about staying on decent terms with his ex than he does with you.

Surely this tells you everything you need to know when he's absolutely taking the piss with you as she does with him!

steff13 · 01/11/2025 16:13

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:06

if he had them full time when we got together i would not move in with him. very simple. why would i disrupt my own autistic child’s life with 4 other children that are strangers?

But you did do that. The children still existed and had a relationship with their father; you had to realize they would be part of your child's life.

Greyhound98 · 01/11/2025 16:13

Sounds like he married you for free childcare. He expects YOU to look after 4 young children while he cops out by working.
if his restaurant is not doing well, he needs to go and work in someone else’s, take a regular wage, take days off, take holidays and parent his children instead of putting it on you.
Their mother sounds rather useless but so does he. You can either tolerate it and accept this is your life now, or take steps to change things, ie move yourself and your child out / start divorce proceedings.

21ZIGGY · 01/11/2025 16:14

Someone should call social services. Neither parent wants to or is looking after these kids according to you

FlyingApple · 01/11/2025 16:15

I feel sorry for the kids, every caregiver they have sounds unfit to look after them.

coxesorangepippin · 01/11/2025 16:17

You'll just have to suck it up op

Basically

Cat1504 · 01/11/2025 16:17

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 16:05

when we didn’t live together, he allowed her to live in the house they owned together and raise the 4 kids there. she wasn’t paying anything towards the house as the house was paid off. now she rents that house and keeps half the income herself. and decided to move 3 hours away. my husband moved out of the house to avoid disrupting the children’s lives and lived in a shared flat with house mates. during that time he would see the kids every day or every other day after school or on weekends for a few hours as he couldn’t take them to his flat share as there is no space for 4 kids to sleep. the ex moved away 3 hours far without his consent. she had it really good living in their marital home with the kids and on top of that my husband was still giving her 2 k a month. she decided to disrupt everyone’s lives and move over 3 hours away. now she keeps half the rental income of that house & 2 k CM. during that first year we were together when she was living in the marital home it was a really good living situation. as he saw his kids daily, would drop them school, pick them up etc. take them out every other day for a few hours. so we decided to move in together. i thought the arrangement would stay the same. that i wouldn’t have anything to do with the kids unless i wanted to help out when and if i could, and he’d see them how he normally was. since we lived together she changed the entire dynamic and caused chaos to my life and my child’s life.

Your DP has ‘changed the entire dynamic’….not his ex…..he’s encouraged this….you’ve allowed it