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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 01/11/2025 15:44

So he wanted somewhere to live and someone to look after his kids for him. And you fell for it.

You need to divorce the lazy sack of shit.

Problem solved.

Elsvieta · 01/11/2025 15:44

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:36

yes i know, but neither he or the ex or doing anything about that. and who’s left to do all the work, me?

Yes, that's exactly the point. So don't do it. Nothing will change unless you change it. Go out. Take a leaf out of her book and turn your phone off. Or be a martyr. Your choice.

Schoolchoicesucks · 01/11/2025 15:46

Are you serious?

Of course you resent looking after your husband's 4 children every weekend. Of course you shouldn't have to do this. He should be looking after them.

His role as a dad is not just to pay for them. He shouldn't be working 12 hours a day 7 days a week. He should be parenting them.

If he has them every weekend, then presumably she has them in the week. 4 kids is a lot. I am not surprised that she needs a break. She should get one. The kids have 2 parents. It is not her fault that your DH is leaving his parental role to you.

I have read your further comments about her being an alcoholic and dropping the kids off dirty and not properly clothed and without this being agreed. If this is the case your husband is really letting his kids down by not stepping up and being the responsible parent.

None of this is your fault. But you can choose to stay, to set some boundaries with your husband, to encourage him to parent his kids (yes they are poor kids if they are not being parented properly by either parent and instead left with you). Or you can walk away.

I would probably walk away in your shoes. After speaking to social services about my concerns for his kids.

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 15:46

steff13 · 01/11/2025 15:42

Wonder what OPs Master's degree is in. Presumably not gender studies. Or social care.

Or in English, considering she keeps using "brang" instead of "brought."

I wouldn't marry a man with kids unless I was prepared to treat them like my own kids. He's working to support you and presumably your child at least part of the time, it seems like a fair trade for you care for his kids so he can do that work. If you're unhappy about it, you can leave.

Lol I dunno, I say brang sometimes (when I'm speaking informally) and have a languages degree and several post-graduate qualifications. I think it's a regional thing/common slang.
There's so much to be concerned about here that I'm not about to start picking someone up for informal English!

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:47

Toooldtopretend · 01/11/2025 15:08

So he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week BUT every week was driving a 6 hour round trip to pick them up from school, take them for tea and take them home. Again, how does this add up??

yes he would sacrifice one day a week, leave the restaurant at 12 pm (it opens at 8 am) drive to his kids school by 3 pm, take them out until 8/9 pm to restaurant, games arcade etc. then drive back and be home by midnight. so before he was missing a day of work in the week day to help them. now that i’m both their slaves he gets to work full time

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/11/2025 15:47

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 15:46

Lol I dunno, I say brang sometimes (when I'm speaking informally) and have a languages degree and several post-graduate qualifications. I think it's a regional thing/common slang.
There's so much to be concerned about here that I'm not about to start picking someone up for informal English!

I wouldn't have said anything about it except I was replying to a specific comment about what her degree is potentially in, as I believe you can see. 🤷‍♀️

Greenfingered1 · 01/11/2025 15:48

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:39

no she brings them every weekend without fail. she doesn’t care. she will just drop them on friday and turn off her phone until sunday. on saturday my ex husband wants his child so i drop her off. i can’t stop my ex husband from seeing his child as it’s his right.

You and other parents need to reassess the arrangements. Clearly the way you are feeling isn't healthy for you or your marriage. You need to jiggle the days so that everyone gets a free weekend. Can't you have your stepchildren a day in the week so that you get at least one weekend day free?

SingingOcean · 01/11/2025 15:48

You're behaving like a complete mug.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:48

Toooldtopretend · 01/11/2025 15:01

You say she is an alcoholic, then you also say they live 3 hours away. So are you saying she drives 3 hours each way to drop them off? Is she sober to do this? Who does the 6 hour round trip to get them home? It really doesn’t add up.

alcoholic doesn’t mean drinking 24 hours of the day. usually she will pick them up from school at 3 pm drop them to mine by 6. or her mum/ sister will drop them.

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/11/2025 15:49

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:47

yes he would sacrifice one day a week, leave the restaurant at 12 pm (it opens at 8 am) drive to his kids school by 3 pm, take them out until 8/9 pm to restaurant, games arcade etc. then drive back and be home by midnight. so before he was missing a day of work in the week day to help them. now that i’m both their slaves he gets to work full time

You could get a weekend job, then he could take weekends off to be with his kids.

CelerySticker · 01/11/2025 15:49

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:47

yes he would sacrifice one day a week, leave the restaurant at 12 pm (it opens at 8 am) drive to his kids school by 3 pm, take them out until 8/9 pm to restaurant, games arcade etc. then drive back and be home by midnight. so before he was missing a day of work in the week day to help them. now that i’m both their slaves he gets to work full time

Why haven't you left? This is obviously unsustainable.

Lalala12345 · 01/11/2025 15:49

So move out. Problem solved.

SailingYachty · 01/11/2025 15:49

Well to be blunt it sounds like you only have 2 choices; put up with what you are doing now (raising other people’s kids every weekend for the next 15 years), or divorce now. I know which I would choose…

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 15:51

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:47

yes he would sacrifice one day a week, leave the restaurant at 12 pm (it opens at 8 am) drive to his kids school by 3 pm, take them out until 8/9 pm to restaurant, games arcade etc. then drive back and be home by midnight. so before he was missing a day of work in the week day to help them. now that i’m both their slaves he gets to work full time

So he had 4 children and a few times a month he spent one evening with them being Disney Dad while his ex had them the other 29 days of the month...

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 15:52

steff13 · 01/11/2025 15:49

You could get a weekend job, then he could take weekends off to be with his kids.

Great idea actually!

HermioneGrangersHair · 01/11/2025 15:53

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:37

because he works full time he owns a restaurant. he has to pay the BM over 2 k a month in child support even though the children are with us 10 or so days a month

So what you are saying is in this post …….He has 4 kids and cannot be a parent to them because he is working…..and you think that’s ok?

I fell sorry for the DC x4

  • Dad who does not see them because he works and clearly doesn’t want to sort out to be able to see them anyway because if he did he would have to sort his life out.
  • Mum drops them off with their Dad - according to you - when she wants irrespective if Dad is able to care for them..and according to you doesn’t care from them either
  • Stepmum who doesn’t want to parent them ( and I understand that too, but that’s the situation you were aware of when you married him)

it’s all very disfunctional and tbh neglectful.

LovesLabradors · 01/11/2025 15:53

If you're doing a Masters, does that make you financially dependent on him -so difficult to leave?
Those DC are YOUNG. This will be the next decade of your life if something doesn't change.
You have the option of refusing to care for the DC - just say no, let her drop them at the restaurant, don't answer your phone when he calls you to collect them. How would your DH react to that?
Suspect it's easier for you to blame his ex - because then you don't have to tackle the fact that DH is quite happy for you to care for his DC all weekend.
You haven't said anything about about what your DH has said about this situation. Is he aware you are struggling? Does he care?

Whatabouterytoutery · 01/11/2025 15:55

I can see why your family don’t engage in this with you when you bring it up @stepparent55 you are rigidly locked in a mindset where you and your DP have no agency in a situation where in fact you both have more agency and in your case much less responsibility for his kids and in his case much more responsibility than your current mindset allows. You do however have responsibility for your own child and the impact this shit show has on them. Are you just writing on here to release steam? because you have had a lot of great advice which you don’t seem to want to take and you don’t seem to want to shift your mindset either. If that is the case then you are indeed correct there is absolutely no answers other than venting on a parenting site.

SleepingisanArt · 01/11/2025 15:58

So he owns a restaurant and only works 12 hours a day when it opens at 8? That means he probably works 7:30am to 7:30pm. Or does he do 8am to 8pm? Both are very odd hours for a restaurant as he must be leaving someone in charge of the dinner service or it's a cafe which closes at 6ish. (I owned a restaurant and my hours were 10am to 1am Monday to Saturday covering lunch and dinner and 10am to 6pm on Sunday when we were only open for lunch - I ran the front of house during service and did admin between.) If he can afford to pay his bills and £2k in maintenance then his business is doing well enough to have a restaurant manager which would allow your husband to parent his own children at the weekend.

If the youngest child is 4 and he is divorced and remarried then it was pretty quick and those red flags should have been there for you to see. You need to get rid of him and concentrate on your own child.

No5ChalksRoad · 01/11/2025 15:58

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:47

yes he would sacrifice one day a week, leave the restaurant at 12 pm (it opens at 8 am) drive to his kids school by 3 pm, take them out until 8/9 pm to restaurant, games arcade etc. then drive back and be home by midnight. so before he was missing a day of work in the week day to help them. now that i’m both their slaves he gets to work full time

What would he do for childcare if you weren't in the picture?
What would you do to support yourself if he weren't in the picture?

What is his age, out of curiosity.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 01/11/2025 15:58

OP, your anger is ENTIRELY misdirected here. The weekends are your husband's contact time. He chooses to work instead. According to you that is to pay his ex-wife CM of £2000 he doesn't actually have to pay, because CMS would be less. This situation is completely of your husband's doing. His ex-wife has done nothing wrong. You have a DH problem.

Betty1625 · 01/11/2025 15:58

Not sure what sort of advice you are looking for... for us to tell you "make kids stay with their mum "??
I wouldn't want to be in your situation, divorce is the only option, you shouldn't tell your H to stop seeing his kids

LeavesOnTrees · 01/11/2025 15:59

OP you write like you have no choice in this situation calling yourself their 'slave' but you are free to leave and not take care of his DC.

This must be having a very negative impact on your own DC. You should be putting her and your relationship with her first.

Toooldtopretend · 01/11/2025 15:59

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 15:48

alcoholic doesn’t mean drinking 24 hours of the day. usually she will pick them up from school at 3 pm drop them to mine by 6. or her mum/ sister will drop them.

And then how do they get back home again? It doesn’t sound much of a relaxing weekend off (as you describe it) if she is driving 12 hours!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 01/11/2025 16:00

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:47

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her. he has told her he can’t look after the kids as he has to work full time to be able to give her 2000£ child support monthly as well as pay bills for our family. she knows he doesn’t look after the kids and isn’t able to. she drops them to me! to my house when i am home alone.

the issue is she knows he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week. so hence why my resentment is towards her.

Can you not see the nonsense of this?
Why are you not absolutely furious with your husband for working 12 hours 7 days and totally opting out of family life?
Can you not see how totally unacceptable this is?
What a useless piece of crap for a father he is.
He has five children (hers and yours) who have no relationship with their father.

If his business can't run without him two days a week, employing staff, it is a failure of a business and needs to close.

You do realise that the whole purpose of contact time with his four other children is that they come to see HIM, not to see you while he is working.

In your shoes, I would arrange to go away Friday and come back Sunday, telling him the house better be spotless when you get back.

Honestly, why are you even in this relationship?