i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

husband loves them but is unable to give them the care they need. he has offered to take full custody of all of them and not give her CM but she refuses

Why the fuck would he take full custody of them if he can't care for them? Your husband is the problem, he's a shit parent and a shit husband and you've put your autistic child in a situation that they are struggling with so you need to be a better bloody parent. Wipe the word mug off your forehead and leave him.

If only there was a solution to having to look after kids that aren't yours.

What would your DH say or do if you went back to your family every weekend? That might tell you all you need to know.

if you don’t have children together I’d end the relationship. This isn’t a life for you.. or anyone.

Don’t blame their mum, blame your partner! Why be resentful of another woman when it’s the man at fault here, not looking after his own kids in his time.

how is it my place or my problem how often he sees them? considering the ex decided to move over 3 hours away?. he pays for them more than he’s supposed to do, he made the effort to drive 6 hours there and back once a week to see them. that’s the best he can do. for reference my masters is in law.

Op, are you considering leaving him?

So stop. You obviously don't have kids together, he sounds like a pretty crap excuse for a human because he has, according to you, ZERO time for his children. Why aren't you leaving him?

Tell her you will no longer be taking the kids when dh is at work, and then don't. Don't open the door. Or try being out sometimes, when you think she's on her way. If she dumps them at his work, don't go and get them. Take yourself out for the day, go and see a friend etc. When she's inconveniencing him instead of you, he might discover that he can stand up to her after all.

Yes, she's being an arse, but you're not married to her. He's being an arse too, expecting women to do all his parenting for him. He needs a new arrangement for his contact hours with the kids, ie they happen when he's not at work. If he needs to take it to court, he should do that. I mean, how would he be handling this if he were single? Whatever the answer is, that's what he needs to do.

I’m still going through the thread but the way you blame the mum implies there’s internalised misogyny at play here. I hope you can recognise that soon because she is not to be blamed (from what I’ve read)

yes i know, but neither he or the ex or doing anything about that. and who’s left to do all the work, me?

she doesn’t work, she lives of benefits and the CM. she doesn’t want them on weekends/half term as she wants time off.

Then I would say, go back to your family until DH sorts this shit show out.

Then fucking leave him, stop acting like you have no choice in this. You have your own child to worry about, why would you allow him to be a stepfather if he can't even be a dad?

And so do you? (Re: time off)

Honestly I just am so confused why you married someone with 4 kids.

I'm sure you didn't get married in one week so should've had a good sense of what the reality was going to be like.

CM is based off a percentage of the father's income so 'I have to earn enough for payment' makes no sense.

He clearly can't work this job with those hours because he has childcare responsibilities.

I imagine if it were a single mother taking a job that meant she never saw or took care of her children, you would understand the problem.

Double post

You’re making out like he has to pay her 2k maintenance, you do know it doesn’t work like that, it’s based on a percentage of income and depends on how many nights he has them so if he earns less he will pay less.

He needs to change jobs, parents can’t choose 7 day a week, 12 hours a day jobs unless he is deliberately trying to avoid seeing his kids?

Everyone is telling you that you don’t have to look after the kids every weekend, you have free agency but are just allowing it to happen and then complaining about it! Tell your dh and the ex that you will not be looking after the kids anymore and if she tries to drop them round then don’t answer the door, If she drops them at his restaurant then that’s his problem, if he calls you then don’t answer or remind him that you won’t be picking them up.

Honestly though, just get a divorce and make him move out. Imagine how nice your weekends will be when you are no longer together.

Do you enjoy being a martyr?

Why haven’t you left?

What happens when you finish your masters?
Will you be earning (more), enabling him to work less?
Is there a time scale for this?

If you have committed to him, knowing he works 12hr days 7 days a week, you might just need to ride this out until he can work less, and be around more for his children.

If you dont think you can ride/wait this out, and there aren't any other factors that can change, then leaving seems the only sensible option.

Most women would be quite cautious about a man who only sees his four infant children 2-4 times a month. It might suggest he was a shit parent and wouldn't make much effort. That has now been proven to be true.

Your law degree might help if he ever bothers to go to court to sort this mess out. Otherwise I'd have a good read of Stack v Dowden

Wonder what OPs Master's degree is in. Presumably not gender studies. Or social care.

Or in English, considering she keeps using "brang" instead of "brought."

I wouldn't marry a man with kids unless I was prepared to treat them like my own kids. He's working to support you and presumably your child at least part of the time, it seems like a fair trade for you care for his kids so he can do that work. If you're unhappy about it, you can leave.

Of course she wants time off ! She has four children and she’s on her own with them 5 days a week. You can’t cope with 2 days and your husband is there too! This lady is not the problem. You married a man who was looking for a nanny for his children. He married quickly too if the youngest is only 4. Don’t be there this weekend and his reaction will show you the kind of man he really is. You can’t have been together very long . How long before you decided to get married ?

So go out. Lock the door.

Make it clear there is no one home when she drops kids off. She can either drop them at the restaurant with their father or keep them with her. It is not your problem.

Go away for the weekend, ffs. Leave them to it.

Or better yet - just leave.

The thing is... you don't have to do it.

I get that you feel trapped and like you have no other option, but you really really do not have to do it. You need to have a frank discussion with your husband and make sure he understands that.