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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
ItsameLuigi · 01/11/2025 14:51

I'm with a man who has 1 child, I have 2 myself. my kids dad has them every other weekend (usually 4-6 nights per month, sometimes more sometimes less than 4 just depends on his work schedule). My partner has his son every single weekend, either from Thursday - Monday morning or Friday after school - Monday morning (two weeks is one, then two weeks is the other if that makes sense). I have my kids 14 days currently before they're back with dad, next weekend I'll happily have my partner and his child here. We don't live together, but as I'm dating a man with a child I understand that weekends even when I'm child free can involve his son. That's absolutely fine for me, because we don't live together. If we lived together I think it would be more stressful because no option to say ' not this weekend, or just come Saturday morning'. This is why it's important to think these things through before moving in etc.

Do you own the house? I think if you want to be with this man(which, is questionable based on how he behaves) the best option is to live separately. He can have his kids for the weekend at his home, some weekends you could have them over if you fancy. As a step parent you don't have to be the 1 doing everything even if he makes you feel like you have to. I understand you're married so makes things more complex but honestly I think the solution that isn't leaving him, would be living separately.

Sorry probably rambling a bit, just please remember youre worth more than being a babysitter for a man who seems to not appreciate it. The kids are innocent (even with bad behaviour) because they're victims of 2 loser parents imo.

Muffinmam · 01/11/2025 14:51

Redpeach · 01/11/2025 13:34

Why did he split from the mother of his 4 kids?

Probably because he doesn’t do anything.

MissDoubleU · 01/11/2025 14:51

WolfieMuma · 01/11/2025 14:42

I haven’t read the entire thread, but can you change the days to when your Dh is off?

OP said her DH works 12 hour days 7 days a week, so no chance of changing the kids. He either needs to take days off and be an actual parent to his own damn children or drastically increase his maintenance payments to cover the fact he’s essentially an absent father.

ChristmasStepThisWay · 01/11/2025 14:52

OP is it your property that your DH has moved into?
You are being taken advantage of, mostly by your DH. He's using you as free childcare, cleaner, etc.
You say your child is autistic, kindly, is it possible that you are as well?
Is this situation fair on your child, having to live with this joke of a man as her step-parent, share her space with another 4 children every other weekend, and her mum being utterly drained and exhausted? I am not sure you've mentioned the kids' ages but when they're teenagers, this situation is going to be utterly unbearable for all involved. SS need to be involved, not you.

Fiftyandme · 01/11/2025 14:52

He married you so he could have a babysitter.

Thd only way out is divorce.

Muffinmam · 01/11/2025 14:52

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:37

it’s not an issue having them, i can’t stop him from having his children over just like he can’t stop me from having my child. the problem is on weekends when i am supposed to relax because my child is with their dad, i am having to look after another woman’s kids. she gets to relax i don’t.

Then leave.

InterIgnis · 01/11/2025 14:52

Giraffemug30 · 01/11/2025 14:44

If that's true then it sounds like they need to be with their dad full time. Have you contacted social services?

Why don't you have clothes for them at your house? Why do you need to wash the clothes their in so they have clean clothes?

It sounds like both the parents are completely neglecting these children. Is it fair you have to look after 4 kids on a weekend? No. But you married a man with 4 children who works apparently 12hr days 7 days a week, and doesn't even buy his own children clothes! What did you expect?

Ultimately nothing is going to change if you just sit there. Your options are suck it up or leave

That’s for their parents to figure out. Not OP. The failure of the parents to prioritize their children does not oblige OP to step in and fill the gap.

She has the option of telling them both no when they try and dump their responsibilities on her.

Ihavepaidalotforthisstory · 01/11/2025 14:54

Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend
Yeah you have a right to think whatever you think and you have a right to feel whatever you feel.

Did you not think about the impact of marrying a man with 4 children would have before you married him?

What is stopping you from divorcing him?

ThisBrickBee · 01/11/2025 14:54

Can he apply for full custody because she's neglecting them ( and it sounds as if she is....).... Saving the £2k. And use it towards a nanny some weekends so you get a break

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/11/2025 14:54

He needs to change his job or you need to split up.

Whatwouldnanado · 01/11/2025 14:54

Put your own child first, make a plan and leave.

Mysticmaud · 01/11/2025 14:55

This is happening to my best friend currently.
The shit boyfriend latched onto her for childcare. She even had to teach a 11 year old girl how to wipe her bum.
He's working all the time and the biological mother is drunk/drugged in bed with a new man and new baby. The child is feral and there are two more he hid.
If this is your house get him out. Your autistic child is at risk of being neglected if your mh is deteriorating. Why are you doing this? Is he paying for everthing?
Fwiw I have a asd DC and they need routine and calm

MissDoubleU · 01/11/2025 14:55

Fiftyandme · 01/11/2025 14:52

He married you so he could have a babysitter.

Thd only way out is divorce.

100%

There is no fucking way I would be sending my own children away for the weekend just to parent someone else’s the entire time. Forget “time off” - what message does that send to OP’s child?

Whatswrongherethen · 01/11/2025 14:55

Christ, the poor kids. Wouldn't it be great if men that really have zero interest in their kids would just leave them where they are at the weekends and concentrate on financially contributing so they'd all have a good life.... Instead of acquiring a 'step mother' so they can abdicate responsibility when in fact the step mother has no intention of actually doing any mothering.

MissDoubleU · 01/11/2025 14:56

ThisBrickBee · 01/11/2025 14:54

Can he apply for full custody because she's neglecting them ( and it sounds as if she is....).... Saving the £2k. And use it towards a nanny some weekends so you get a break

Can he apply for full custody!? Are you mad? The man works 12 hour days all 7 days of the week: when is this prince meant to be parenting his 4 children?

Superhansrantowindsor · 01/11/2025 14:56

Your problem is your husband. They don’t come to you to give mum a break - they come to yours to see their dad. Unfortunately it sounds like he doesn’t care. Poor kids. However, it’s not your problem. Yes you should have realised all this before you married him etc but ultimately he needs to step up. He’s not doing his children right either and really they should be his highest priority.

Pollqueen · 01/11/2025 14:57

WaryHiker · 01/11/2025 14:24

In my opinion, the three of you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. Obviously, more so the parents than you, but you are playing a part here.

These children are being neglected and abused by being left with an alcoholic mother who either can't or doesn't care for them to even a basic standard. They are neglected, unwashed and completely feral. What do you think their future holds if someone doesn't start looking after their physical and emotional well-being properly?

Then they are being neglected at weekends by a shit father who can't be bothered to remove them from their awful living situation but also has actively chosen a job that means he never has to see his children at all because he's found himself another woman/ complete mug to remove his responsibilities from him.

And then there's you. It doesn't sound as though you've done anything useful for these poor kids. Why have you not spoken to the safeguarding lead at their school to tell them the children are being physically and emotionally neglected by their alcoholic mother and completely absent father? Or gone to social services to talk to them about what needs to be done to rescue these children?

All you seem to do is complain about the fact that their mother is getting time off. You don't apportion the slightest blame to their appalling father, who knows perfectly well what's going on during the week but doesn't lift a finger to do anything about it. Neither does he bother to see them at the weekends.

For goodness sake, step up and be a decent human being. By all means, leave your husband as soon as possible. If not for your sake, then do it for your poor child's sake. They don't deserve to have been thrust into the middle of this complete shitshow.

But if you have an ounce of compassion and decency left in you, stop in at social services and the children's school as you leave and make sure they know these children are being abused and neglected by both their parents.

Then run a mile and do better by yourself and your own child in the future.

Brilliantly put and spot on

JetSkiRentals · 01/11/2025 14:58

Your husband should apply to the court for full custody (because mum is an alcoholic) and then use the £2k a month to employ a Nanny/Au Pair. Or even 50/50 - no maintenance required plus £2k to still spend on childcare.

Zitroneneis · 01/11/2025 14:58

These poor children have such terrible parents & stepmother. No wonder they are acting up!

Op, why are you choosing to stay in this dire situation? Why not boot this man out and focus your energy on your own daughter?

ttcat37 · 01/11/2025 15:00

He is a mug for giving her so much and not going through the official channels to get CM put in place and a custody agreement

You are a mug for putting up with this. You can literally just leave him and have your life back

catchafluflu · 01/11/2025 15:00

he has offered to take full custody of all of them

How on earth would he be able to do that?! Buy in childcare?

Was your DH a chef/restaurant owner working all the hours when you met him because if he's chosen that life since then it's only possible because you're there every weekend. How was that decided? What does he have to say about it?

This should be subject to court ordered arrangements and official CMS calculations. SS need to know if they're neglected. Ultimately, you need to separate in all likelihood but you don't reply to that suggestion.

Dollymylove · 01/11/2025 15:00

Definitely not unreasonable. He's taking the piss. What is he actually doing while you are cooking cleaning and tidying up his kids mess? How old are they? They are HIS responsibility not yours. I wiuld give him an ultimatum, shape up or ship out

FrodoBiggins · 01/11/2025 15:01

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:50

No she asked for 3 k a month. He gives her 2 k a month. it is deffo more than CMS would give her. they have no CMS agreement, this is all informal. his restaurant is not earning much as he is working himself there like a good. also they haven’t gone to court to do custody. she brings them every weekend and every single half term. she would bring them 95% of the time if she could, the only thing stopping her is that they lives 3 hours away. the only reason she keeps these kids is to receive the CM. she doesn’t want them. it’s unfortunate. husband loves them but is unable to give them the care they need. he has offered to take full custody of all of them and not give her CM but she refuses.

"husband loves them"

Does he?
If we believe your account of things:

He doesn't spend weekends with them as he works 12/7 in a failing business
He leaves them 5 days of the week with a neglectful alcoholic
He leaves them the other 2 days of the week with his new wife who resents and dislikes them
He hasn't tried to go to court to get custody (despite the apparent neglect)
You say he pays above the odds although it's not clear why

He doesn't sound massively loving OP.

Edited to add, did he move 3hrs away from them or did his ex move?

Zitroneneis · 01/11/2025 15:01

Whatswrongherethen · 01/11/2025 14:55

Christ, the poor kids. Wouldn't it be great if men that really have zero interest in their kids would just leave them where they are at the weekends and concentrate on financially contributing so they'd all have a good life.... Instead of acquiring a 'step mother' so they can abdicate responsibility when in fact the step mother has no intention of actually doing any mothering.

Poor kids indeed…! Why do parents even go on to have FOUR children that they have no ability to or intention of raising…??

Superhansrantowindsor · 01/11/2025 15:01

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

Are you joking here?
Four neglected children both physically and mentally. Four children who have parents who don’t care. Four children with two homes and no stability. four children with an alcoholic mother.
And yet you think you are more of a victim here because you can’t relax at the weekend.
One of those threads that makes me so sad.