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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

852 replies

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:27

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 01/11/2025 14:39

Op are you legally married to this guy? If not just tell him to move out, it isn't working.

childofthe607080s · 01/11/2025 14:39

Your choice is to step up and parent the children or leave

Pyjamatimenow · 01/11/2025 14:40

It all comes down to whether you’re living off his income. If him going out to work means he’s financially supporting you then you looking after er his kids to enable that to continue is part of the deal. If you’re financially independent then no he needs to find childcare for them or reduce his hours

crappycrapcrap · 01/11/2025 14:40

Come on - this can’t come as a shock to you. Four kids, you presumably knew of before you married him. What did you think it would be like?

Your resentment towards their mum is misguided. All she’s doing is allowing them time with their dad. It’s not your husbands fault either, he has four kids - that’s a lot, you can’t not wash their clothes or cook BUT you could put some boundaries around this. Ie Saturday DH buys a takeaway and always clears up. Sunday he takes his children out for at least 3 hours. All baths/bedtimes/intimate care is for him to do.

KeepAwayFromChildren · 01/11/2025 14:41

Step out of their lives and get yours back OP.

I did this. I was expected to take on an ex's kids more and more and I pushed back by 'getting called in to work' and going out to avoid and then, one day I just saw myself having the piss taken to such a degree I left.

I let it get to that point because I liked his kids but he was abdicating all responsibility onto me and I didn't want it - at all. The more I did, the less he did. He saw me playing a board game with his kids as a chance for him to go out with his mates and leave the with me.

Your resentment will eat you alive and he is massively taking the piss and using as an unpaid nanny.

LogicVoid · 01/11/2025 14:41

What's your bottom line..?
Would you be happy with every other w/e..?
This is a husband issue. Everything works okay for him atm. Make it not so.
Tell him to sort it as it is no longer sustainable.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

funny how you think this is a joke when this is my real life situation. one that is crippling and making my mental health decline.

OP posts:
loseuss · 01/11/2025 14:42

stepparent555 · 01/11/2025 14:34

thanks. thats exactly someone with crippling declining mental health from this situation needs to hear. with an autistic child struggling already and your best word is call me a mug?

This is the situation you put your autistic child into. I’m sure she will “thank” you when she older.

Did you never consider one day he might have full custody of these kids? How will your child feel with the house being filled with her FOUR supposedly feral step siblings?

All the adults here are failing all the children. Unlike you the 5 kids involved didn’t choose this situation and have no control over it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and make better choices from now.

WolfieMuma · 01/11/2025 14:42

I haven’t read the entire thread, but can you change the days to when your Dh is off?

KickHimInTheCrotch · 01/11/2025 14:43

I dont know how many more times/ways we need to say this....

The kids are not your responsibility.

You have a choice whether you look after them or not.

Your DH needs to resolve this one way or another.

Step away, stop making it your problem.

usedtobeaylis · 01/11/2025 14:43

YABU directing your frustration towards their mum. Their dad is the problem.

Giraffemug30 · 01/11/2025 14:44

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 13:49

how are those children ‘poor kids’? the mother is an alcoholic who brings them over unwashed, with no changes of clothes. when they come i have to bathe them, wash and dry their clothes so have something to wear. feed all of them 3/4 times a day each. deal with them smashing up the whole house and using all of my child toys/ clothes etc but they are the ‘the poor kids’. i have put my life on the line to care for them.

If that's true then it sounds like they need to be with their dad full time. Have you contacted social services?

Why don't you have clothes for them at your house? Why do you need to wash the clothes their in so they have clean clothes?

It sounds like both the parents are completely neglecting these children. Is it fair you have to look after 4 kids on a weekend? No. But you married a man with 4 children who works apparently 12hr days 7 days a week, and doesn't even buy his own children clothes! What did you expect?

Ultimately nothing is going to change if you just sit there. Your options are suck it up or leave

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 01/11/2025 14:44

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:41

funny how you think this is a joke when this is my real life situation. one that is crippling and making my mental health decline.

But you are choosing this situation. They are not your kids - walk away. There is absolutely no reason for you to stay and support this shit show.

givemesteel · 01/11/2025 14:45

This all sounds ridiculous, it's clearly not a court ordered arrangement. A court will order every other weekend and then an appropriate split. If she is an alcoholic they may say 50/50 in which case he would pay no or a lot less CM.

Telm your husband to go to court. And if you do make it clear you are not picking up the slack so whatever the magistrates agree has to not factor you in, only the (sh+t) parents

SendhelpToddlerBoy566 · 01/11/2025 14:45

A father doesn't have the luxury of working 7 days a week, 12 hours a day. He closes the restaurant and looks for a different job.

You have a DH problem. Leave. Let him sort out his children.

Cat1504 · 01/11/2025 14:46

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:41

funny how you think this is a joke when this is my real life situation. one that is crippling and making my mental health decline.

But this is the life you have chosen?

Screwyoucolin · 01/11/2025 14:47

Yes you are being the asshole in all honesty. You are blaming the Mother when this is all your DH issue. What on earth did you expect when you married a man with 4 kids. I do not believe he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week either.

loseuss · 01/11/2025 14:47

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 01/11/2025 14:44

But you are choosing this situation. They are not your kids - walk away. There is absolutely no reason for you to stay and support this shit show.

I can only assume Op is “I need a man at any cost” type woman/ mother.

The ones who fail to put their child’s welfare ahead of a man’s so that they can cling to a shambles of a relationship always are this type.

Poor kids. As a former educator I saw the impact on kids who live like this first hand. They will sense they are not wanted anywhere.

Zempy · 01/11/2025 14:49

I feel so sorry for all the children in this shitshow but especially OPs child.

Can you explain why you are continuing to live like this @stepparent55

MrsHLQ · 01/11/2025 14:49

What did you think would happen?

You've married a guy with 4 kids, so you are their step mum

of course you have to act like a mother to them

if you didn’t fancy it you should’ve chosen another partner

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 01/11/2025 14:49

@stepparent55@stepparent555 this is not sustainable your DH needs to make make massive changes at work or you need to leave. Your mental health is a mess, your ex can’t/ won’t parent his children whose mother is an alcoholic and can’t give them basic necessities. If DH can’t change work around or the arrangements with his 4 children, I would
1)Put your own oxygen mask on first - by leaving and
2)then I would speak to social services / schools safeguarding and raise concerns.

If DH is able to change up work and step up I still think social services need to be involved

popcornandpotatoes · 01/11/2025 14:49

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:41

funny how you think this is a joke when this is my real life situation. one that is crippling and making my mental health decline.

Really? Out of all the comments that's what you reply to?

loseuss · 01/11/2025 14:50

popcornandpotatoes · 01/11/2025 14:49

Really? Out of all the comments that's what you reply to?

Because she had no reasonable rebuttals to any of the other valid points we are all making.

stepparent55 · 01/11/2025 14:50

Renoonabudget · 01/11/2025 14:11

OP has CM and visitation been decided in court, or is this all an informal arrangement? As you said she didn't send the kids round when he was in a flat share and only after he moved in with you. Maybe you need to get this properly sorted so that her CM is reliant on her having the children on the days that she says she does?

If the children are also turning up unfed and unwashed and their Mum is an alcoholic maybe you also need to get SS involved?

No she asked for 3 k a month. He gives her 2 k a month. it is deffo more than CMS would give her. they have no CMS agreement, this is all informal. his restaurant is not earning much as he is working himself there like a good. also they haven’t gone to court to do custody. she brings them every weekend and every single half term. she would bring them 95% of the time if she could, the only thing stopping her is that they lives 3 hours away. the only reason she keeps these kids is to receive the CM. she doesn’t want them. it’s unfortunate. husband loves them but is unable to give them the care they need. he has offered to take full custody of all of them and not give her CM but she refuses.

OP posts:
Ilovecakey · 01/11/2025 14:51

Tigerbalmshark · 01/11/2025 14:03

If it’s your house, boot him out. Problem solved.

Why was he living in a flat share when he earns so much?!