i can’t do this anymore. step kids are ruining my life.

[stepparent55]

Hi everyone. Just want an opinion and whether to know or not AITA? I know i keep complaining on here about my situation. But this is the only space i have where i can talk openly about my life and what seems unfair. I can’t talk to friends / family as their response is always: you knew what you were getting into. While that may be true I wanted to know your thoughts on how I feel and whether this makes me a terrible person.
Do I have a right to think it’s completely unfair that I have to look after my husband 4 children from a prev marriage every weekend? My child goes to their dad every weekend. And what should be time to myself to reset and rest, instead becomes increasingly harder and I end up dreading every weekend. It seems unfair that on weekends my child’s going to her dad, and another woman’s children (4) come to me and I have to look after them so she can get free time off? Even when my partner does help out with his own children, I am still left cleaning up the house after them, cooking, buying groceries, washing their clothes, drying their clothes, bathing them and making sure they don’t get hurt the weekend when they are in my care.
Is it wrong of me to feel like this is an unfair trade? on weekends, what is supposed to be my time, i am stuck with someone else’s children. She gets her time off but i don’t… i can’t help but feel really bitter and resentful. not at the children but at the situation.
Sometimes, i feel like just leaving the house every friday before they turn up in the evenings and come back on sunday evening when they are gone. but then the house is a disaster, i mean legit upside down (curtains pulled off etc), dishes undone for 3 days which i was to do, i have to change my bed sheets and my child’s bedsheets at the kids have slept in them, peed in them etc. it’s just too much. I really regret marrying a man with 4 children. I wish i found someone with only one or two children.

Because he's got the OP!

You say she is an alcoholic, then you also say they live 3 hours away. So are you saying she drives 3 hours each way to drop them off? Is she sober to do this? Who does the 6 hour round trip to get them home? It really doesn’t add up.

It seems to me that you need to go through CMS to get the amount set by them.
If you don't want to look after his children, go away at the weekend so that he has no option but to look after them.
Do you work? Why is he paying for everything. If you don't, perhaps it is time to get a job and take the pressure off him.
Final choice, end the relationship, leave with your DC, support yourself and have the weekends free.
If you are not willing to take action, you might just have to put up with it and stop moaning.

I couldn’t cope with this either. I’d leave him tbh. Also don’t blame the mother blame the dad. Him not being around is probably the main reason they broke up in the first place. Their behaviour and trying to manage it alone 5 days a week will be contributing to the drinking too. He is getting off lightly if he’s only paying 2k tbh. He has 4 young children. What did he think 4 children would cost to raise ?

I'd leave him. I'd go on a Friday and if there was no one to look after the kids, tough, the parents will have to step up.

the children are all aged between 4-10. this arrangement has been happening for a whole year since we moved in together. prior to this i was living with my family. my husband was living in a flat share. she never brang the kids once for him to look after. he gives her 2 k a month CM. he would drive there on a weekday every week or every other week and take the kids from school and then give them something to eat and take them back to their mums for bed. the kids live 3 hours away. so it’s difficult. i have an autistic child and i am a full time masters student so i don’t work, but i have my hands full. i see my husband in the mornings and in the late nights. he is not ok with not spending time with them. he has no choice. as she brings them unannounced. she only does this as she knows he lives with me and i will care for them.

Don’t get pregnant to him . You could have a clean break atm .

I disagree with the ‘you knew what you were getting into’ comment, you don’t really know what it will be like until you’re living it.

I think you need to be honest with DH and say you’re happy to help out but it shouldn’t be expected that you will act as a primary carer for them. If your husband is working on his days then he is unavailable to look after the kids and he needs to work with BM to find alternative days that work for both of them. You’re not a live in babysitter for their kids.

If he won’t change the days then I’d say you need to leave, the kids sound quite young still and you have many years of misery ahead of you if so.

he needs to leave the restaurant…get a 5 day a week 8 hr job and be available for his children…..and then he would be paying a lot less….he doesn’t sound like a good dad ……I think your own DD got the better deal when it came to Dads

Why is he paying £2000 a month when he clearly can't afford it? This is madness. He can't afford to pay staff to cover him but he can pay £2000 a month maintenance?

on weekends when i am supposed to relax because my child is with their dad, i am having to look after another woman’s kids. she gets to relax i don’t

This is a silly way of looking at it. No one has ordained the fact that you are "supposed to relax". Your child goes to see their Dad because he's her Dad and so they can continue to have a relationship with each other, not to give you a break. What you do when your child is with their Dad is entirely your choice and you have chosen to spend that time being with a man who has four kids. Their mother has presumably chosen not to spend time with someone who has four kids, which is her prerogative. Why are you annoyed with her for choices you have made?

You are free labour. That’s it. The housekeeper and childminder. You make his life easier, he can live how he wants because you’re doing the work. Improving his life. He doesn’t care at all how your life is. He is focused on his own.

He is using you. Walk away.

Move back to your family ? Are you married ?

Whose house is it and how old are the children?
I would probably have to leave. It's totally unfair and I don't blame you for feeling how you feel. Most parents do EOW with a night or two in the week.

What does you DH think about all of this? They are both using you as free child care IMO and it's not on. I think I would seriously be making plans to leave.

He met and married someone else and youngest is only 4 ? Fast worker !

I think it is more his choice. He doesn’t want to be home parenting or to pay someone to cover him. He’s quite happy having OP do all the work for free.

Have you told him how you feel? I get that he feels he can't do anything at the moment, but that really isn't the case. If his restaurant will only operate with him working those kind of hours, maybe he needs to consider selling it and working for someone else.

The Ex is running the show. He needs to know this situation isn't sustainable and that you will leave (or he will leave if it's your house) if things don't improve. What would he do then?

So he works 12 hours a day 7 days a week BUT every week was driving a 6 hour round trip to pick them up from school, take them for tea and take them home. Again, how does this add up??

Leave today to visit your family . Tell him now that when your child goes to their daddy’s that you are visiting family until your child comes home

First he goes to court and pays a fair amount of money.

Then he hires help for you when his kids are there.

Then he parents his kids - so if they pull curtains down there are consequences for them.

If he wont do that you leave. You have another 14 years or more of this.

This

Stop cooking for them and doing their laundry, bathtime immediately. They are not your responsibility

You went into this with your eyes open. You knew he had 4 kids. You knew he worked 12 hours shifts 7 days a week and paid a huge chunk of child maintenance. You knew you were going to be used as a nanny for his kids because of his work schedule. This happened from when you moved in and you still married him.

If you can't stand it, split up and make him leave. This isn't working for you.

You are annoyed with the wrong person OP. You are not doing their mothers work, you are doing your husbands work. You're not looking after her kids so she can have weekends off, you are looking after your husbands kids for him because he isnt taking time off to spend with his 4 children. Its unfortunate that your husband works weekends but truly that is not his Ex's problem, its something for you to take up with him..

He must be earning a fair whack to be paying £2k a month, and I note OP that you said, he told her he needs to work full-time to pay that. If he wasn't working full-time that amount would surely reduce as it will be based on his earnings.

Reduce his hours to care for his kids, go through CMS.

You're blaming the wrong person here. 'She' is nothing to do with it. You aren't doing this so 'she' can relax. Your doing it because your husband isn't stepping up and being a parent.
Children don't go to their dads so their mum can have a break, they go because their mum and dad both have equal responsibilities for them and the relationship with both parents is equally important.
You have some real internalised misogyny, no wonder you ended up with a piss taker.