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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by school mums

84 replies

Jam177 · 31/10/2025 12:08

My DD (5yo) has two best friends at school, they seem very close and DD is always asking for playdates. However the other girls’ mums continually shut it down – if I ask in person they have an excuse and if I ask in a WhatsApp group they simply ignore me. They are friendly to my face but I don’t think they like me much (they are closer with each other) – but if that’s the issue surely they can rise above it for the sake of the kids? I’m at a bit of a loss what to do and feel really bad for my DD who just wants to see her friends outside of school. Any advice would be greatly appreciated xx

OP posts:
BuffaloBill15 · 31/10/2025 12:11

As ridiculous as this sounds, they probably want to selfishly keep their daughters friendship as an exclusive little club and don’t want your daughter to end up becoming better friends with one or the other such that their daughter becomes left out.

yes, it really is that petty I’m afraid.

SabbatWheel · 31/10/2025 12:12

You can’t force people to be friends 🤷‍♀️
We never had playdates when I was in school, at all, ever!
We just had fun while in school.

Mary46 · 31/10/2025 12:13

Maybe they dont want to get into it. I found the school run hit and miss with friendships. I do get it its hurtful. If you asked a few times I let it be now

Pepperedpickles · 31/10/2025 12:13

Are you sure they’re meeting up outside of school? Is it that they just don’t want to meet up at all?

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/10/2025 12:16

I get it op. These can be such challenging relationships, not something you’re prepared for when you become a parent. All you can do is help your own child to be resilient and wonderful.

Periperi2025 · 31/10/2025 12:17

At this age quite a lot of playdates still involved mums sticking around for a while, if not all of the time. It is only natural with the minimum amount of adult contact that some mum's get when their kids are little that they plan their playdates around established adult friends they like to socialise with.

Give it a couple of years when the assumption is that all playdates are 'dump and run' and it all becomes a lot easier and more flexible, and if you have an only child you get free time!!

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/10/2025 12:17

Perhaps they don’t like you very much - and you know what, that’s fine. It’s no reflection on you as a person, they don’t know you, they’ve just concluded that you’re school mums and that they don’t think you have a lot in common with each other, and don’t relish the idea of awkward meetings up where you’ll all have to make small talk. As your DD gets older and play dates mean that her friends can be dropped of at yours without a parent staying, or vice versa, it becomes easier. At this age, the stick-around play dates can take away from time that’s needed or wanted for other things.

BlueandPinkSwan · 31/10/2025 12:18

D keeps it for school, as the girls get older they will either want to meet up when mums have less influence or better still your d will have friends with nicer mums.
I never did play dates or sleepovers with my kids, they weren't interested but then having a big family, sibling playmates were always available.

IPM · 31/10/2025 12:19

The kids are very young yet but if your DD is asking them round for a playdate, surely they'd be pestering their mums if they really wanted to go, or if they wanted your DD to come to theirs?

You can't force it at this age.

Wait until they're a bit older and they'll very probably be making their own choices.

PollyBell · 31/10/2025 12:21

Because now all mums lives revolve around play dates, if they are not interested they are not interested there could be a million reasons none of which may have anything to do with you, if you are this upset by this then start a life away from the school

Thelankyone · 31/10/2025 12:22

I’m not sure this is about excluding your child or you, just more likely they are busy and don’t want to do play dates, many mothers work, have busy lives and just don’t have the time.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 31/10/2025 12:24

Some parents prioritise their own friendships first, and others want to control their DC's friendships.

I don't agree with either but that's life!

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2025 12:24

Are they meeting up outside of school? Are you sure their children want play dates with your daughter?

My 8 year old will only have two certain friends round- he just doesn’t want anyone else in his house even though he plays nicely with them at school. That’s just him. Could it be similar with these girls?

Driftingawaynow · 31/10/2025 12:24

Very rude and shitty of them imo. I simply can’t imagine Just blanking someone who is trying to arrange something nice for their kid. You’ll have to deal with this shit in various ways until your child is in secondary, but try not to take it personally, they just have bad manners

Cornishmumofone · 31/10/2025 12:24

DD had very few play dates when she was younger as I work full time and am studying as well and so I can’t reciprocate. I also feel embarrassed about my messy and cluttered home.

Now DD is older she often goes to a couple of friends’ houses and one of them often comes to us (the other friend hates going to anyone else’s house as she wants to be with her mum and her dog). The parents know that I’ll likely be studying and the girls (8/9) will be playing without close supervision.

Baddigood · 31/10/2025 12:25

IMy kids are in after school club every day due to my working hours then after that it’s a rush to get home, then homework anything other tasks etc and dinner - at weekends we catch up as a family, the kids do a couple of classes and time just flies.

I’m sure loads of others are in the same boat - it’s not a slight on you or your daughter - people are just much busier these days (at my school at least!)

Original poster
Jam177 · 31/10/2025 12:26

Thank you so much for the replies ❤ I know for sure the other two meet up (unsure how regularly). If I ask in front of the kids, the other two girls always plead the mums to say yes so it's not like they don't want to. Just seems so selfish and petty on the mums' part.

And I'm really not fussed about being friends with the mums myself, it's DD I'm feeling sad for 😔

OP posts:
sillyme1234 · 31/10/2025 12:26

Maybe the children don't feel the same

MarshmallowsOnToast · 31/10/2025 12:28

I have social anxiety & couldn’t cope with 1-on-1 play dates. Class parties are just about doable. Maybe it’s that and not a personal slight?

TheZanyZebra · 31/10/2025 12:28

You do nothing. You try, the mum is not interested, fair enough.

You can invite the child to your girl's birthday party and see if she comes

surely they can rise above it for the sake of the kids?
why should they? There are enough things you need to manage for the sake of kids, being friendly with a random mum when the kids are only 5 is not one of them.

Thank god we can still chose our own friends and our kids friends when they are little, why make life more complicated than need be.

Zanatdy · 31/10/2025 12:28

I wouldn’t ask in front of the kids, as that’s sad for all when their mums say no. It is horrible for your DD, but I’d stop asking as it sounds like they want to keep their friendship more a two-some as often kids get left out in trio’s (not saying that’s right or fair, but could be their thinking).

BatFeminist · 31/10/2025 12:29

sometimes mums prefer to organise the play dates based on their own preferences. There’s not much you can do except build your daughter up and encourage her to make friends inside and outside of school.
then secondary comes and friendships/meetups are out of parents control.

Baddigood · 31/10/2025 12:30

Sorry just seen your update. I really wouldn’t ask about play dates in front of the kids- makes everyone feel awkward!

Lucy5678 · 31/10/2025 12:30

There’s a child in my daughter’s class who continually pestered me for play dates - I didn’t have the heart to tell her my daughter didn’t actually want to go to her house or even like her much so I was forever making excuses. Are you sure this friendship is reciprocal?

There’s also parents I wouldn’t let have my daughter on play dates because I don’t trust their judgement- having a large and poorly behaved dog for example or constantly swearing. Especially when DD was only five.

They see each other all day in school anyway. Encourage your child to widen their friendship circle - could she join rainbows or beavers for example?

Namechange822 · 31/10/2025 12:34

Have you previously arranged things and cancelled last minute? There are a couple of school mums I swerve become of this….

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