To be upset by school mums

[Jam177]

My DD (5yo) has two best friends at school, they seem very close and DD is always asking for playdates. However the other girls’ mums continually shut it down – if I ask in person they have an excuse and if I ask in a WhatsApp group they simply ignore me. They are friendly to my face but I don’t think they like me much (they are closer with each other) – but if that’s the issue surely they can rise above it for the sake of the kids? I’m at a bit of a loss what to do and feel really bad for my DD who just wants to see her friends outside of school. Any advice would be greatly appreciated xx

WHO organise play dates with people they don't want to see?
Of course it's normal to stick with friends or people you are becoming friends with.

You see enough of the other parents at class parties and school events, you don't have to martyr yourself and be stuck with people you just don't click with.

You don't become friends with all your work colleagues, why should it be different?

Honestly there is nothing you can do. Stop asking. Tell your DD that the other families are too busy at the moment but to enjoy playing at school.

I have deflected my son’s requests for play dates sometimes, mostly because we are genuinely too busy but also sometimes because the kid can be a bit of a PITA with my own child and I just don’t have the energy.

Options:

They work and can’t do play dates
they have small houses and are embarrassed (so many threads about this)
they come from a culture that doesn’t encourage this sort of thing
etc etc.

Might also be that the mothers are friends and want to keep it all together themselves. I have seen this before.

Children should be allowed to choose their own friends.

💯. It seems there’s nothing like being a school mum to make your ethics regress to those of a 7 year old.

It doesn't mean you don't encourage friendships within your own friends circle.

Kids play together when you are meeting the parents for diner, or bbq or going to an event together. That's a completely normal dynamic.

You don't force yourself to host a playdate for a 5 yo with someone you have no interest in and nothing in common with. It doesn't mean you dislike the parent, but same with colleagues, you don't have to invite everyone in your house!

Yup this. I’m afraid this will happen on/off until your DD is old enough to see her friends without parent facilitating.

I agree with this. I accept playdates but at this age sometimes I would think 'urgh, two hours making small talk then I'll need to invite them back'. It will be different in another year.

They sound weird. I wouldn’t stress. We kept play dates to an absolute minimum because time outside of school of which there was very little of was family time anyway. Do more activities with your child and prioritise quality time.

Your Dc will grow and develop friendships with others. It’s best to teach her now that not everyone is going to like you or want to be your friend and that’s ok. Shrug your shoulders and onwards and upwards.

........ no, but you shouldn't exclude a child either?? What an odd take. Doesn't sound like OP is desperate for these mums to like her. That's not the issue!

What a bizarre scamy post upthread. I have reported it.

not inviting someone is not "excluding' them.

Why the constant need for drama!

if you raise them well, even when they're teens and you have long stop facilitating anything, they still have friends you agree with, and still in the same friend circle you have yourself, that's the point.

Yeah so glad playdates weren't a think when my kids were small. I had enough going on without having to sit exchanging pleasantries with some mother I barely know at either their house or mine

However by the age of 6 it was normal to drop the kids off and collect them after. So that was done once in a while when it fell right for people's work schedules, family commitments etc

This happened a lot to my son where the mothers were friends. They did drop offs for each other two. I’d just assume it’s handier for them as opposed to them being bitches tbh. I also had to ignore the sorries of what everyone says above- maybe their kids honestly just didn’t really get on with mine and we’re lying to be nice, maybe they’d seen something in my parenting or family they didn’t click with etc.

The Best Advice!

I think you have tried and got nowhere with these clique mums and that is a hard fact of school life. But try not to let your DD see your disappointment, heartbreaking though it is. I wouldn't encourage close friendships with these two if the mothers are not on board because it is true that twos company and three is a crowd, she could end up feeling a bit left out and as the fall back friend.

It sounds like your DD has their friendship at school and they like her and that is a very good thing. So try to be content with that. It takes time to form friendships and they evolve and change as much as your DD will over the next year.

The best thing you can do now is to find alternatives.

1. an afterschool activity that she likes, as it takes the focus off schoollfie and gives her something else to keep her busy and to think about.
2. Maybe find some nice things to do after school with you.. A cafe/cake treat... collecting conkers whilst weather allows ( garden centres are great in the rain, esp if they have pets or aquarium fish)
3. Also look at other children in the class.. and set up some play dates with them. There will be some feeling exactly the same as you. Maybe, to take the pressure off house visits... find something you could do as a group... see 2) above and could gradually expand the number of children your DD socialises with.

Your DD will also be getting invited to birthday parties etc. So that will be nice for her. There is all the end of term excitement in the build up to Christmas.. so playdates will actually take a back seat. Just to warn you though... children, esp reception and year 1, get so tired towards the end of Christmas term...so be prepared for her being very hungry at pick up.. .a bit tired and emotional and she might really need some quiet time when she gets home from school... So try not to worry too much about playdates for the time being.

Seems little point in speculating as to the reason they've decided they don't want to socialise with you and DD, as it could be anything. All you can do is accept this is not an option open to you and DD, and turn your attention to finding others that are. There will be..what..25-30..? other DCs and mums to forge friendships with so concentrate on them.
And try to keep perspective. In a few years, DDs friendships will form outside of anything to do with you, and what goes on at 5 will have little to no baring on her social future. What she needs is a variety of other DC to mix with to hone her social skills. Which DC matters less. She will form her lasting and meaningful friendships at a later stage.

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it. Has definitely helped me put things more in perspective ❤

How is your dd behaviour? I have a friend I really like and our dc like each other but I've started to avoid meeting because friends dc can be naughty and it impacts my dc behaviour and becomes a bit of a nightmare

This is Just another guess like eveyone else we don't really know. Sending hugs anyway it's not nice to be left out

We have some mums like that at school or they never reciprocate. Just encourage your child to befriend others too and try and arrange play dates there. You’ll find your tribe as will she :-)

Don’t chase op just leave them to it. Maybe the mums are besties and want their kids to be, as they get older they will make their own choices. I knew some mums like this but as soon as a new mum appeared at the school one of them was pushed out. The playground is meant to be for kids but it doesn’t always seem that way. Encourage activities/clubs and other friendships. Life is too busy to worry about it.

There is always some story like this in primary school with mums. Honestly - there is no answer and nothing you can do about it, but you're not alone.

I mean - nothing you can do to get these women to behave differently, that is. I agree with the others - by all means invite these girls to birthday parties etc which from five onwards are often drop off. Then encourage your dd to focus on other potential friends for after school activities.

I would nearly always decline play dates when my children were younger because I didn’t want to reciprocate.