To be upset by school mums

[Jam177]

My DD (5yo) has two best friends at school, they seem very close and DD is always asking for playdates. However the other girls’ mums continually shut it down – if I ask in person they have an excuse and if I ask in a WhatsApp group they simply ignore me. They are friendly to my face but I don’t think they like me much (they are closer with each other) – but if that’s the issue surely they can rise above it for the sake of the kids? I’m at a bit of a loss what to do and feel really bad for my DD who just wants to see her friends outside of school. Any advice would be greatly appreciated xx

Funny how the "clique" accusation and insults only applies to school mums, everywhere it's perfectly normal to be more friendly with some people than others. You don't notice in in most settings, but suddenly people are miffed at the school gate?

I'll be honest I arrange playdates on how much I like/get on with the parents... I would never stop either DSs from a playdate with someone but I do gently encourage... It makes my life easier. I appreciate there will be a time when I have less influence on them but at 8 and 4 I'll keep it up for now! I would never be rude or ignore a text though.

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it if they’re ignoring their invitations. You’ll have to invite some other children round for play dates instead.

Just to clarify: one of the mums doesn’t work so no time restrictions for her; the invites are often things like the park or local activities/events open to the public, not just to our house; it's really not about me, I am not fussed about being friends with the mums; DD is genuinely incredibly well behaved.

@BuffaloBill15 nailed it i think

Are the other 2 mums friendly/friends?

2's company, 3 is a crowd and what if one of theirs becomes closer to your daughter and then one of theirs gets left out, afraid that's what it probably boils down to

I think the difference is that the mum here is trying to help her daughter make friends with other children. School is a social setting where children can make friends with each other, but the two mums she is describing are opting out of that and exclusively arranging for their daughters to play together. So absolutely fine for these two mums to be friends with each other, OP is not trying to befriend the mums, she’s just trying to help her daughter see her friends outside of school.

thats not what the OP is suggesting.

the kids clearly are happy to play with each other but the mums are not wanting to for reasons unknown

all changes in secondary!

no one really stays for play dates beyond 5 surely?

Can I say something by that might put this into perspective? My DD had two best friends for the first two years of primary, played together every single day, numerous play dates (not so much the three of them but one on one more so) etc etc. In P3, one day my DD came home and said ‘so and so isn’t playing with us anymore’ and that’s it…friendship over, one of the girls had just decided she didn’t want to play with them anymore. What I’m trying to say is friendships this young are fickle (to adults, obviously not to the children!) and in a few years you will have nothing to do with them, if they are still friends they will arrange things themselves. You will have put all that time energy and emotion into something that ultimately doesn’t matter. Let it be, don’t worry too much about it and absolutely try to encourage and nurture friendships out with school x

Suspect some on here would be staying with 12 ywar olds

Yes this would upset me too if my DS wanted a playdate and the invites kept getting declined (he's the same age). Even just an hour in the park! You'd think they'd want to do it for their kids sake. They get to have some fun with their friend and it's easy entertainment for us!

Over the years I have found this just happens with some people.

People are wierd! they can be hard to read and sometimes they are different to us and we can't work it out.

I am very friendly and sociable and pretty confident but I have found myself really knocked by this kind of thing. As you say, it is not for you is it! It's for the child.

However, perhaps I have also been guilty of preferring playdates with children where I get on with the parents. not saying I've ever thought about it but there probably is a bias.

I was glad when primary ended tbh and I could stop worrying about this stuff.

4 kids in here.
yep have seen this many a time.

firstly - I would be careful with a trio in a friendship, 3 can be tricky.
I would ensure your daughter has plenty of friends - join a sport or club outside of school, etc to ensure this.

offer play dates to other kids- try encourage your daughter to play with a wider group, maybe worth asking school / teacher to help put her into a few different groupings for various school things to reduce your daughters reliance on the two girls.

right now the play dates are not going to happen, who knows why… my friend s mum has severe dementia and she s her PoA is full time at home but busy with this and volunteer work and it s incredibly stressful, but not something she s going to discuss at the school gate with her kids friends parents.
so I guess you may never know why play dates are not returned, but the kids will level themselves out. You can help your daughter have a rounded social group and plenty of self confidence outside of all of this without worrying about why she s not going to play dates at a certain persons house.

Please dont ask in front of the kids. It puts the parents in a really difficult spot and you don't know what's going on in their lives. It isnt fair to the parent and to be honest if you are doing that I can see why they maybe dont want to get involved. There's nothing worse than parent asking in front of the kids and then having to say no and upsetting your child.

my daughters best friends mum was like this, its v painful when your own child asks more than the other family seem to be up for.

I just reiterate as others have said, try not to take it personally and keep offering !(that's what I did) - also focus on other kids.

as the children get older they will make their own plans

How compassionate of you

It is best not to ask for anything, ever. Either in person or via a messenger. It is quite rude to ask. Wait till you are invited. Saves a lot of awkwardness.

Are you inviting the girls over without the mums? Because honestly, I can’t be arsed with small talk with other school mums, I stick only to my friends, or wait for play dates when they’re old enough to go on their own, which at 5 they probably aren’t if you aren’t close. I wouldn’t take it personally. Some people just don’t like to hang out with people they don’t know well.

Its one of the hardest things being a mum imo, trying to facilitate their friendships. I'm fairly antisocial and I've found it exhausting but I've done it for her sake. I know other parents don't and that's entirely their prerogative but it doesn't make it any easier when your wee one is desperate to have their friend round or to see them at the park. Then you get all the shifting sands and being excluded and all kinds of other things. It's hard. Especially as there is much less just 'going out to play'.

All you can do is take every opportunity for her to make friends in as many different settings as possible, especially at this age where its much easier. But actually one of my daughter's strongest friendships is one I didn't facilitate, it's a girl who lives on our street and is a bit older than her. They just randomly started talking to each other on the street or something about two or three years ago and I've just left them to it. So don't be afraid of little age gap friendships either.

Perhaps the other girls don't want to meet up with your DD. Maybe they are your daughters best friends but she isn't theirs - if that makes sense. I had similar with my son, he had a really good friend who he played with at school and they had regular playdates outside of school. DS met up with other children but there were also a few children where he wasn't keen to meet up, due to minor fallings out or other issues. I'm not saying your DD has done anything wrong, but I wouldn't blame the mums if their DD doesn't want a playdate. Help her to build other friendships.

For me the distinction is that, as you rightly say, most adults would accept the fact that another adult/group of adults may or may not want to socialise with them. They might be hurt, but you can't win everyone over.

What is different in school situations - and which is a bit odd when you think about it - is that some parents prioritise THEIR relationship with the other other adult over what the child might want or enjoy doing most. This isn't a 'pile on' school mums but it is kind of a weird social phenomena IME. It's understandable in a way, especially if a parent has limited time off/limited maternity leave, that they'd prefer to spend time with an adult whose company they also enjoyed.

@Jam177 what I would say is that this can come back to bite people over time because in a few years children thrown together mostly because their parents liked hanging out are often no longer friends and then there are different issues. "Our kids have grown up together by little Billy wasn't invited to X's birthday party, can I tell my friend I'm hurt?!"

First post nails it.

I think this is the reason. But parents can’t control their children’s friendships for ever.

Ok but that’s not really a typical experience and not helpful to the OP is it? Most people DO have play dates and the OP wants her child to have them.

Is there any other children that your daughter could invite for a play date. Letting the other two mums realise that you are not dependant on their approval!! It will also widen your daughter's friendship group. Playground politics are the worse thing. Don't take it personally some mums just think they are better than others( don't be drawn in to their games ) . Hope this helps xx

Hi op,

Unfortunately you can’t force it. In my experience when parents don’t go ahead it is because kids don’t want though…so…maybe? Maybe it is because the girls have little time together and want to spend it together? You can hardly see wrong in this and yes that means your daughter can’t come. It is fair and normal…try and encourage her to befriend others, try to use her birthday party as an excuse to widen her circle from school or enlist her in an activity and put some effort there?

She will find her friend. Give her time.