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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for redecorating our home without telling my partner?

113 replies

SecretDecorator · 29/10/2025 20:59

I may have gone a bit overboard. Over the past week, I’ve bought:

  • Bathroom wallpaper (the walls were badly done and really needed updating)
  • Bedroom wallpaper (there’s currently a horrible print on the wall that does not suit the room)
  • Paint (for the doors which have coloured splashes from previous bad decorating I need to sand and repaint)
  • Laminate flooring (the carpets are grim, stained with paint and threadbare)
  • A writing desk (currently using our dining table as a desk so needed something smaller)
  • Two bedside lamps (we only have one at the moment and it does not match anything)
  • New bedding (the old stuff was very bright and childish did not look nice)

Total spent so far: over £1,000 but he would be furious if he knew the real cost.

It’s technically my own money but it is our home and my partner sees money as shared. He’s always told me to consult him if I’m spending more than £20 so yes I’ve definitely broken that rule and I’m fairly sure he would be furious if he found out.

What makes it harder is that he spends his own money without asking me but nothing like this scale! I swear I will pay the account back and not buy anything more for months.

AIBU for redecorating our home without discussing it first? How would you tell him!

OP posts:
BoudiccaRuled · 31/10/2025 08:59

gamerchick · 29/10/2025 21:30

I don't ask permission, I just decorate. I have photos of husband standing in the middle of a room wondering what's different.

I'd be telling him to piss off if I had to consult him on spending over 20 quid as well. He doesn't know how much money is in my bank account and me his.

Did your husband not see you on ladders in the evenings?

Thelankyone · 31/10/2025 09:00

tupils · 30/10/2025 23:02

So if he buys a load of different wallpaper and paint and furniture and changes everything next month, would you be okay with that?

She said he doesn’t care about the decor and that’s not the issue. It’s the financial side, I think you misunderstood.

I think she’s done a runner anyway and isn’t coming back.

Catsknowbest · 31/10/2025 09:01

Should be a joint thing really. Wouldnt go down well with my DH, but we just decide this stuff together so wouldn't happen

Almost2026 · 31/10/2025 09:06

What a weird relationship. My DH wouldn’t care about the bedding / bedside lamps etc. He likely wouldn’t care about paint colours, but I’d probably run wallpaper past him before buying as that can have many different tastes. Beside all this, he’s the decorator in our house so I need him to do it for me 😂 (professional, not just me being a weak woman!).

Your much bigger issues then the colour of your bedsheets is the financial control / lack of joint money / trust. You need to get this sorted out.

HelpMeGetThrough · 31/10/2025 09:13

Actually for me it wouldn't be the money spent that would be the main issue . It would be that in a joint home their should be discussions about what decor to have.

Oops. I’m about to start redecorating the youngests room. I’ve decided what the colours are, to make it easier for me, as I have limited time to get it done.

He’ll only know at Christmas, when he gets back from University.

Idontcareboutthestateofmyhair · 31/10/2025 09:17

Do the upgrades then chuck him out. Male control freak

Aposterhasnoname · 31/10/2025 09:21

He’s always told me to consult him if I’m spending more than £20 so yes I’ve definitely broken that rule and I’m fairly sure he would be furious if he found out

IF he finds out? IF? Hes definitely going to notice all that, and while you might get away with knocking a couple of hundred off the price, hes not going to believe it was less that twenty quid.

OMGitsnotgood · 31/10/2025 09:24

i wouldn‘t spend £1000 without discussing it with my DH and I certainly wouldn’t redecorate our house without his knowing and being given the opportunity to have some say in decor he also has to live with.

On the face of it, having to consult with him before spending more than £20 does sound controlling. But then maybe it’s more about your spending being out of control, especially if you are not seeking any input from him into decisions.

Nannyfannybanny · 31/10/2025 09:26

I want to know where you can buy all this for £1000, the laminate in our living room alone cost £600, years ago!

BaytreeBayleaf · 31/10/2025 09:27

Is this property owned or rented ?

Because if it is rented, a person is sometimes not allowed to make changes without asking the lanord first, especially things like flooring

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 31/10/2025 09:30

OP - more important, do you understand you are in a financially abusive relationship?

He spends his money as he chooses, you are expected ask permission to spend your own money.

Original poster
SecretDecorator · 31/10/2025 09:44

Thanks everyone for the replies. it’s made me think. He says it’s about saving, but he doesn’t ask me before spending himself. I hadn’t really seen it as controlling before, but I get it now. I’m not going to leave him, just not planning to stick to that rule anymore.

OP posts:
OldBeyondMyYears · 31/10/2025 09:55

The £20 rule is insane!! How did you ever agree to this??? Your DH is controlling as fuck! 🤯

The decorating issue is a red herring in this conversation…I mean, in itself, I think you’ve been very rash buying all this stuff, and I’m wondering where you’ve managed to hide it all…but the whole dynamics of your relationship is utterly off!!

Thelankyone · 31/10/2025 11:27

SecretDecorator · 31/10/2025 09:44

Thanks everyone for the replies. it’s made me think. He says it’s about saving, but he doesn’t ask me before spending himself. I hadn’t really seen it as controlling before, but I get it now. I’m not going to leave him, just not planning to stick to that rule anymore.

So he wants to save your money but not his? How on Earth did you not recognise this as controlling when you saw him spending as he pleases but you need to ask permission.

do you have to ask permission to go out with your friends and have a night out, where I assume you’d spend more than twenty quid. Do you need to ask permission to buy yourself new clothes or try to stay under the 20 quid.

id understand it if you were both really poor and neither of you could do this and spending 20 quid was a big deal as you both don’t have it and can’t pay the bills. But that’s clearly not the case. And you don’t have to pay it back. It’s your money, not his.

tell him the rule stops immediately. He is not the boss, you will make your own financial decisions. And if he wants a rule then he abides by it too, and the first time he breaks it,it is never put in place again, so he needs to ask your permission to spend whatever limit you both agree to.

its really sad how some women live, it really is.

coldiris · 31/10/2025 11:32

The easiest way to answer whether that's unreasonable is to ask yourself how you would feel in the same situation but not necessarily about redecorating. Let's say he wants to do something he doesn't think is needed and goes and spends over £1k preparing for it. As an example, let's say you don't think his car needs some kind of upgrade but he decided it does and goes and spends £1,500 buying parts for the upgrade not knowing what else may be involved. Would you think it's unreasonable?

coldiris · 31/10/2025 11:34

So you have to ask him if you spend money but he doesn't ask you?

To be fair she did say that it's nowhere near the same scale :)

NavyTurtle · 31/10/2025 16:14

Sockdays · 29/10/2025 21:08

That is toxic and financially controlling.
He sounds like a nasty prick.

Angry Hate GIF

This

Thelankyone · 31/10/2025 16:41

coldiris · 31/10/2025 11:34

So you have to ask him if you spend money but he doesn't ask you?

To be fair she did say that it's nowhere near the same scale :)

I’m sure if it was all added up it would be. And it’s moot. It’s her money, she doesn’t need to ask permission to spend her own money and pay it back when she does spend.

I mean asking for more than 20 quid, there is very little you can do that doesn’t cost less than 20 quid, clothes, hair, nights out, whatever. She needs to ask his permission to do all that shit.

ZoggyStirdust · 31/10/2025 16:55

Op there’s only half a story here
are you in debt? Do you waste money?

on the face of it he’s controlling over money and you’re out of order for blowing cash with no discussion, but as usual, we just don’t know without more info

coldiris · 31/10/2025 16:55

@Thelankyone She needs to ask his permission to do all that shit.

I do agree wholeheartedly that it is ridiculous to have to ask for permission to spend your money on anything > £20. She isn't a kid and he isn't her parent. My comment though was more about bigger expenditure that you normally plan as a couple. For example, I don't really expect my husband to go and spend £1k on something I don't know although even here it does depend on what it is. If, for example, his car needed some work done or something like that, of course, he doesn't need to ask me to do it but if it was related to redecorating our house, I really would like to be able to talk about that. I think that's quite normal.

worcesterpear · 31/10/2025 17:03

You won't be able to do it all in one go though, so as much as the consulting for spending over £20 is ridiculous, you could bring out the bedding one day, the lamps another, do the doors one day (all these things could feasibly have been bought individually for about £20). The biggest thing is the laminate flooring which you will have to pretend to consult him on. Also where is all this stuff, have you hidden it?

Thelankyone · 31/10/2025 17:40

coldiris · 31/10/2025 16:55

@Thelankyone She needs to ask his permission to do all that shit.

I do agree wholeheartedly that it is ridiculous to have to ask for permission to spend your money on anything > £20. She isn't a kid and he isn't her parent. My comment though was more about bigger expenditure that you normally plan as a couple. For example, I don't really expect my husband to go and spend £1k on something I don't know although even here it does depend on what it is. If, for example, his car needed some work done or something like that, of course, he doesn't need to ask me to do it but if it was related to redecorating our house, I really would like to be able to talk about that. I think that's quite normal.

That’s because you are interested in how the house is decorated, he is not. I wouldn’t consult my husband, well I’d say ooh I’m getting this wallpaper or something, but I would mak3 a decision on affordability and proceed, because we are both equal partners, trust each other, and make sensible financial decisions.

aCatCalledFawkes · 31/10/2025 18:09

RealEagle · 29/10/2025 21:04

Consult him if you spend over £20 .

Ridiculous. That's why I'm staying single then. £20 FFS.

Original poster
SecretDecorator · 31/10/2025 18:14

I would need his help wallpapering and laying the floor. I have chosen it all myself.
He is furious with me over what I’ve spent!
It’s done now though. He doesn’t actually have any issue with the decoration. I think for him he likes being included in decisions.
However it needed doing and anyway I think it would have been too much stress for him to decide! I think he’d be ok living like this for years but I’m not. Was bringing me down. And he will benefit from it as well.

OP posts:
Thelankyone · 31/10/2025 18:32

aCatCalledFawkes · 31/10/2025 18:09

Ridiculous. That's why I'm staying single then. £20 FFS.

Edited
Show quote history

Huh? You 3ant to be single due to this dysfunctional relationship ?