AIBU for redecorating our home without telling my partner?

[SecretDecorator]

I may have gone a bit overboard. Over the past week, I’ve bought:

• Bathroom wallpaper (the walls were badly done and really needed updating)
• Bedroom wallpaper (there’s currently a horrible print on the wall that does not suit the room)
• Paint (for the doors which have coloured splashes from previous bad decorating I need to sand and repaint)
• Laminate flooring (the carpets are grim, stained with paint and threadbare)
• A writing desk (currently using our dining table as a desk so needed something smaller)
• Two bedside lamps (we only have one at the moment and it does not match anything)
• New bedding (the old stuff was very bright and childish did not look nice)

Total spent so far: over £1,000 but he would be furious if he knew the real cost.

It’s technically my own money but it is our home and my partner sees money as shared. He’s always told me to consult him if I’m spending more than £20 so yes I’ve definitely broken that rule and I’m fairly sure he would be furious if he found out.

What makes it harder is that he spends his own money without asking me but nothing like this scale! I swear I will pay the account back and not buy anything more for months.

AIBU for redecorating our home without discussing it first? How would you tell him!

Absolutely fine OP you carry on. Your house sounds like it needs work.

A friend blew £3000 on curtains and told her DH on a need to know basis - he didn’t need to know.

He's financially abusive, fuck him off and decorate your home. What an awful man to demand you consult him about £20 purchases!

And just to add, don’t give him that level of control over how you spend YOUR money, been there done that, it’s a slippery slope and the financial abuse will only get worse xx

The consulting if spending more than £20 is plain wrong.

But redecorating without consulting the other person who lives in the house is also plain wrong. I would be really pissed off if DH just redecorated OUR home without consulting me.

It’s bad form to make significant changes to a shared home without discussing it - BUT the 20 pound thing is controlling and weird.

He’s always told me to consult him if I’m spending more than £20 so yes I’ve definitely broken that rule

Did you agree to that rule? If not, what makes him think he can impose it on you? Unless you have agreed that all finances should be joint, I recommend the phrase 'I earn it, so I'll decide how I spend it'.

So many questions

Why is it ok for him to spend without consulting and not for you?

Why did either of you agree to such a small limit for consultation?

Who earns the money?

Why are you focusing on the money rather than the fact that one of you is redecorating an entire house in a style that's not been agreed with the other person? Or the fact that you make an agreement about money then one of you breaks it and then hides it from the other? None of this is normal or healthy

Hmm. The £20 thing can fuck off.

However I fucking hate wallpaper so I’d be furious if DH made a decision like that without me even being given the opportunity for an opinion.

How are your finances in general? Are you struggling financially?

YABU

But obviously the £20 thing will get people annoyed and on your side.

mehh 😒 I decorate all the time I don’t need permission from my husband or his opinion I just take the money and off I go. The £20 limit you have is a tad worrying though 😬

OP, how would you feel about going for relationship counselling?

Well, the money side is very odd. But it’s awful to redecorate and make major changes without even discussing it. I’d be furious if my Dh came home with wallpaper and laminate flooring etc.

It's not the money, it's the fact that you have chosen paint, wallpaper etc without consulting him - it's his home too. So YABU from that point of view.
But your partner is being ridiculous in saying you need permission to spend more than £20!

He's controlling. Who said he's entitled to make the rules? Not something you should let him get away with. It's your money. Tell the prick what he can do with his stupid rules.

Is this going to be one of those threads where the OP disappears completely?
Is she wallpapering?

DH and I both have spending money we can do what we want with after joint expediture and savings. So when I buy stuff for the house he doesn't get a say because when I try and discuss it with him he 99% of the time only has negative opinions (culminating in the drinks cabinet negotiations of 2005, after which he forfeited his right to a veto). If he makes a positive suggestion then I will consider it. In 20 odd years he has made positive suggestions about a mirror and a piece of art, both of which I bought. But most of the time he doesn't care and so I have free reign and if he complains too much I remind him it's my money. So I don't think it's unreasonable to make unilateral decisions about decorating if the other person doesn't have strong opinions or the desire to do the research required for purchases. I would be annoyed if he made decisions without my input but that's because I care more about it than him.

Massively unreasonable. Not for spending the money necessarily, but for making executive decisions about a shared space without his input.

I don’t think he would mind the choice of decoration just the cost. I don’t think I can win in this situation as things needed decorating

This jumped out at me never mind the decorating . That can’t be true , surely

Needing permission to spend money isn't good, but choosing all the home decor (regardless of cost) without discussion is massively unreasonable

I think having the £20 rule is ridiculous and very controlling. YABU putting up with that.

I do the decorating in our house. I do usually consult with him but he generally let's me have full reign because it means he doesn't have to do it. He usually just looks and says that looks better than it did or I like those colours. I put money away into savings each month to cover decorating so I never consult with him on spending it. He puts money away for the big projects like new bathrooms and a new driveway which we discuss before spending it.

I like the sound of you. I wonder if you’re unconscious resentment of not being allowed to make grown up choices on a day to day basis with money you earn has built up and led to a sudden splurge. It sounds to me buying all this stuff is the only way to get it done as he would say no.
but honestly these threads make me so happy to be divorced.

Just do it slowly…. Put the bedding in the cupboard for a while then when you use it you can truthfully say you’ve had it for ages 😂

How is this even a question. Consult him if you spend more that 20 quid? How on earth did you ever let that fly? I’d have laughed in his face.

Yabu for redecorating the joint home without speaking with him first. But you shouldn't have to consult him when spending your money. That's not alright. However he is going to know it cost alot by looking at it, everyone knows that work isn't cheap.