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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for redecorating our home without telling my partner?

113 replies

SecretDecorator · 29/10/2025 20:59

I may have gone a bit overboard. Over the past week, I’ve bought:

  • Bathroom wallpaper (the walls were badly done and really needed updating)
  • Bedroom wallpaper (there’s currently a horrible print on the wall that does not suit the room)
  • Paint (for the doors which have coloured splashes from previous bad decorating I need to sand and repaint)
  • Laminate flooring (the carpets are grim, stained with paint and threadbare)
  • A writing desk (currently using our dining table as a desk so needed something smaller)
  • Two bedside lamps (we only have one at the moment and it does not match anything)
  • New bedding (the old stuff was very bright and childish did not look nice)

Total spent so far: over £1,000 but he would be furious if he knew the real cost.

It’s technically my own money but it is our home and my partner sees money as shared. He’s always told me to consult him if I’m spending more than £20 so yes I’ve definitely broken that rule and I’m fairly sure he would be furious if he found out.

What makes it harder is that he spends his own money without asking me but nothing like this scale! I swear I will pay the account back and not buy anything more for months.

AIBU for redecorating our home without discussing it first? How would you tell him!

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 30/10/2025 07:46

Have you done the decorating,OP, or have you just bought the wallpaper and paint? I wouldn’t dream of decorating most parts of our house without consulting my husband. The only exception would be my home office.

Thesteinwaysyouvebeenleadingmeon · 30/10/2025 07:58

RealEagle · 29/10/2025 21:04

Consult him if you spend over £20 .

That's a wtf moment and would incur a curt fuck off!
Imagine having to explain any purchase over £20 .

Linenpickle · 30/10/2025 08:07

Whose house? I would ask about wallpaper, not for bedding, and laugh in his face if I had to consult him on costs over £20. What a twat

HeftyHedgehog · 30/10/2025 08:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

lazyarse123 · 30/10/2025 08:09

Splendidbouquet · 29/10/2025 21:07

So you have to ask him if you spend money but he doesn't ask you?
There is definitely something wrong in your relationship there OP.

Actually for me it wouldn't be the money spent that would be the main issue . It would be that in a joint home their should be discussions about what decor to have.

Exactly this.

Diddlyumptious · 30/10/2025 20:03

hattie43 · 29/10/2025 23:36

This jumped out at me never mind the decorating . That can’t be true , surely

Show quote history

DH and I have an agreement we agree on purchases for the home or dont buy. Personal stuff we just buy. It's so one of us in the future can't say we don't like it.

Blablibladirladada · 30/10/2025 20:12

Yeap you are in the *t

tommyhoundmum · 30/10/2025 20:23

RealEagle · 29/10/2025 21:04

Consult him if you spend over £20 .

There is no way I would accept that stricture

croydon15 · 30/10/2025 20:31

The £20 thing is ridiculous but don't you think he's going to notice all the things that you have purchased.

abracadabra1980 · 30/10/2025 20:38

RealEagle · 29/10/2025 21:04

Consult him if you spend over £20 .

I can’t get past this. My dad was a ‘decent earner’ - no idea what he earned but was a middle management engineer, mum was a SAHM. I would say circa 1980/90/2000 they had a similar type of agreement, but for £100!

AnotherDayAnotherStart · 30/10/2025 20:59

This is weird because there are two separate gigantic problems:

  1. he tells you to ask him before spending anything over £20, but he spends any amount on anything he wants and doesn't think he should have to discuss this with you.

  2. You feel your (shared?) home needs redecorating but didn't discuss this at all before buying supplies (including wallpaper for a bathroom, which is surely an impractical choice).

I would hazard a wild guess that the two points are both just symptoms of a messily unsymmetrical or disfunctional relationship. Does that sound right to you, pr do you think it's fine?

Who will actually put the wallpaper up btw?

Thelankyone · 30/10/2025 20:59

I am struggling with your question is “how will I tell him “ whilst making promises to randoms on line you will pay it back and won’t spend for months.

its your money, spend it how the fuck you please. You’re not a child. People don’t live like this, that’s why no one has actually answered your question as no one can get their head round it.. You don’t need to pay back your own money,

now obviously if you were poor and were spending money that would pay the bills, then that would be different, or if unmarried and it was his money you had access to and an agreement not to.

but if it’s money you earn, and you’re not poor, then what on earth is this about, why would you ever agree with this man to ask his permission to spend more than 20 quid. He doesn’t ask your permission to spend.

if you can afford it, do what you please. Don’t pay it back and tell him to jog on with the 20 quid thing, or any form of permission required to spend your own money.

Thelankyone · 30/10/2025 21:03

AnotherDayAnotherStart · 30/10/2025 20:59

This is weird because there are two separate gigantic problems:

  1. he tells you to ask him before spending anything over £20, but he spends any amount on anything he wants and doesn't think he should have to discuss this with you.

  2. You feel your (shared?) home needs redecorating but didn't discuss this at all before buying supplies (including wallpaper for a bathroom, which is surely an impractical choice).

I would hazard a wild guess that the two points are both just symptoms of a messily unsymmetrical or disfunctional relationship. Does that sound right to you, pr do you think it's fine?

Who will actually put the wallpaper up btw?

Agree, although you can wallpaper a bathroom you just need moisture resistant wallpaper and the right adhesive to prevent mould.

Elsvieta · 30/10/2025 22:18

He "told you" you can't spend your own money how you choose? I hope you "told" him not to be so bloody ridiculous.

You sound scared of him. So perhaps it would be better to not be with him? Or if you're not scared, to tell him you'll do as you like and he'd better not speak to you like you're a child and he's your dad, ever again.

Itworkedout · 30/10/2025 22:23

I’d hide it and bring it out gradually! Start small, it sounds like you know you have gone overboard. Can you return some of it? The bigger issue is him needing to know every detail and having a different rule for him tbh

Brefugee · 30/10/2025 22:32

consulting him on spending when he doesn't do the same can get in the bin

but what possessed you to get so many supplies. Surely bit at a time, one room at a time, is the way to go? (but he sounds like a knob, get rid)

MerryTealLeader · 30/10/2025 22:37

Watching this with interest.
OP- I have done exactly what you have done (decorated without consent) and- yes- I can see the perspective that this is massively unreasonable and not in keeping with a partnership. But my reasons for doing so are as follows….
He doesn’t actually care much about decor or house furnishings in general but will, without fail, be hugely critical of anything I suggest without coming up with any suggestions of his own.
i pay for all house stuff therefore I feel I should have the final say. He gets the final say over holidays.
Our relationship is pretty dysfunctional. He’s got controlling tendencies which I rebel against by doing things I want and letting hom
moan.

i agree about the twenty quid thing. So- what - have you got to consult him if you treat a friend for lunch?

randomchap · 30/10/2025 22:49

Who is going to actually do the work

You've bought the kit, are you going to decorate? Wallpaper is tricky when there's just one of you

And that £20 thing needs to fuck right off

Mcoco · 30/10/2025 22:58

SeaAndStars · 29/10/2025 22:03

Is this going to be one of those threads where the OP disappears completely?
Is she wallpapering?

Hillarious reply! I wonder if OP said £20 but didn't mean it literally? Just as a random amount implying she has to account for spending any amount of money.

ShesTheAlbatross · 30/10/2025 23:00

I don’t think this is a reasonable thing to do in a shared home. The lamps, new bedding, desk are fine. Flooring and walls, I’d be annoyed if DH just went ahead and did that.

Obviously he is also very controlling to say you need to speak to him if you’re going to spend more than £20.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 30/10/2025 23:01

£20 consultations? He’s acting like you are desperately poor, which you aren’t if you can afford a grand.

tupils · 30/10/2025 23:02

So if he buys a load of different wallpaper and paint and furniture and changes everything next month, would you be okay with that?

notatinydancer · 31/10/2025 08:53

I think you’ve got bigger problems than a bit of wallpaper if you have to consult him every time you spend more than £20, unless there’s a drip feed about you and money ?

PoetryEmotion · 31/10/2025 08:55

You've got much bigger problems than redecorating, OP.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 31/10/2025 08:58

I dont think this is really about decorating.

Your relationship sounds unhealthy and a bit of a mess.