Baby name remorse

[WantingSomeAdviceOnLife]

I have name remorse for my 8 week old baby. Quite severely. Husband is being largely unsupportive. AIBU to expect that he would support my feelings and want to change it?

If it’s an ordinary name OP you and your child will still be anonymous if you tell us what it is. Maybe we can help you to feel better about it then?

If my DH had said that and not been keen since the start of course I’d listen. Why wouldn’t I?

What you’re really saying is you got what you wanted so you won’t compromise.

I don't think your DH is necessarily "unsupportive" just because he isn't going along with what you want to happen. To be honest, I do think it's a pretty big ask.
Personally I would have found it very difficult to get on board if my DH had wanted to change either of our childrens names after 2 months. By that stage I would have felt the name was very much 'theirs' and all the important people in our life would have met and been introduced to the baby by that name. Rightly or wrongly, I'm not sure I could go along with it, especially if the proposed new name was one I didn't like as much.

I meant a longish name with obvious 'nn'. Not necessarily Ottilie. Could have been Eleanor or Olivia or Katherine or ...

I don't need to know the name, bit there's a difference between something like Cora and Isabella - because you can't predict a 'nn' for Cora but Isabella has obvious ones.

We liked Isabella but didn't like Izzy, Bella or Ella, so didn't shortlist it.

I think compromise is very important when choosing a child's name in the first place. But once that decision has been jointly made, the baby has arrived, the birth has been registered and everyone has been referring to the baby by name for 2 months, it seems a bit late to be talking about a "compromise". They either change the child's name, or they don't, there is no compromise that can be made at this point.

Yep I totally get this stance. It's really difficult, as ofc he has bonded with DC and the name, but I haven't. It is a really big issue for me. I don't call DC by their name, anything but. I avoid saying it and hate introducing them. So it isn't just as simple as I have decided I don't like the name. It's affecting me an awful lot. I just don't really know how we get past this, or rather how I get past this.

I sorta got that with DD this year when she turned 2. As the name is long, little kids find it difficult to say and spelling it is a nightmare! Next kid will be called Bob.

Try not to fret too much, make sure you're working on your mood and socialising. X

I’ve been in this situation before and we changed DC name. You need to talk to your husband about all the reasons it doesn’t feel right for you. Write these down if it’s easier as he can then take his time thinking rather than it turn into an argument or emotional discussion. In our case looking back if we had stuck with DC original name I think they would have suited it as they sort of become their name. Pleased we changed it though and can’t really imagine them with a different name now. I agree with the PP check this isn’t some other anxiety and when this is resolved it’s replaced with another worry which can sometimes happen with PNA/PND I think. I suspect from what you’ve said the name may be Ophelia? If so I think it’s a lovely name but recently I’ve seen negative word associated with it, but bear in mind most names something negative could be rhymed or associated with it if people search enough. Did you give baby a middle name that you would both be happy using instead, that could be a compromise your husband might be happy with?

FWIW my daughter's name was originally suggested by her father (who I'm no longer married to).

I went with it at the time, partly in the absence of any strong alternatives and also because it was his grandmother's name and he felt far more passionate about it than I did so he sort of won by advocating harder than I did. It's a non English name and relatively uncommon and distinctive. I never hated it but I felt very strongly that it wasn't my choice and that I'd done it out of inertia. For a couple of months after her birth I wanted to change it but didn't and I now love it (as does she). It's beautiful and distinctive and its very much "her name".

You can always change a baby's name if you feel very strongly about it but you may possibly want to give it a bit more time to "sit with it" before you do anything.

But it wasn’t jointly made that’s the point. DH suggested it and OP went along with it but she was never 100% and now she’s even less so.

So OP compromised but she feels she can’t. The compromise outcome is to find a new name they’re both happy with.

Me too. I cannot see myself agreeing to this.

I agree with the PP check this isn’t some other anxiety and when this is resolved it’s replaced with another worry which can sometimes happen with PNA/PND I think

I agree with this. Broadly there’s 2 kind of name regrets: PND induced anxiety that fixates on the name being wrong; and non PND genuine dislike often linked to not having advocated enough for their view at the time.

When you say you hate the nicknames, do you hate all possible nicknames or just some? Because if you hate the only obvious one, that’s tricky, eg naming a child Christopher but not wanting him called Chris. Whereas if it’s something like Alexander which could be Alex or Xander, you can pick which you use and steer it that way.

Ok, hating it so much you aren’t calling your DD by her name is a real problem. Have you developed some other pet name for her instead? Because if you are still just referring to “the baby” I can really imagine that getting in the way of bonding with her.

Yeah I use a pet name when speaking to her/referring to her.

I have read the thread but haven't actually seen it answered but have you spoken to someone about PND because I strongly suspect this is not just about the name but you're fixating on the name because that feels easier than working through the real problem.

Yep I have tried to reach out, to my GP but got dismissed 🤷🏻‍♀️. But tbh, I don't think it is PND. I feel fine in every aspect of my life otherwise. I just wanted to talk it through with somebody just in case it was.

If I were you and not wanting to use the name or introduce her to people, I would get the name changed. It's not that unusual to do this. I myself had a different name for my first few months. Your baby will not mind.

Have you spoken to your midwife? I would continue to try and get support, I suspect if it wasn't the name you would probably have focused on something else. It does sound like PND.

Thank you. It really helps to hear from others who have done it, I feel less isolated and crazy.

Discharged from Midwife now, don't have any input from them at this stage.
HV isn't much help either truth be told.

Oh sorry just realised you mean your name was changed as a baby. Does it bother you at all?

No. I like my name better that the one they gave me first. Also it's nice to know my mum made the effort to change it.

That's good to know :)

Just change it then?