Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

You want to celebrate your birthday but can’t afford to invite the number of people you want. You don’t want to put in the hard work of hosting. You don’t want to have guests to your home. You want others to do the catering and you want others to pay for it all. No OP, that’s not very decent. If you invite them, then you have to foot the bill.
Instead, ask yourself …what can I afford? How many can I accommodate? How can I make it lovely for my guests? What can I give of myself as the hostess?
And then work within those parameters. If the answer is that you can’t give anything at all then start saving for your next birthday!

If your dear friends and family think so much of you that they want to treat you to a big celebration in a hotel with lovely food, with you the centre of their attention, then they will organise it and invite you. Without asking you to pay.

Or….orgainse a lunch and tell them how much it will cost but don’t make it about you or your birthday. And don’t ever pretend you have invited them if they are paying.

It’s lovely to be in a position to able to invite, just as it’s lovely to accept an invitation. Don’t blur the lines …it leads to resentment.

Don’t do it, no one cares as much as you do!

Sorry, but to me it's cheeky fuckery of the first note

It's your birthday, you fund it. If you can't afford it don't do it.

I'd love to know what crap date it is, there's not really any significant Saturday dates coming up except valentine's

I know what the OP wants, but the difference is in how everything is phrased.

If @birthdayquandary just says to people that she's going to the pub on her birthday or for a hotel meal and says that anyone's welcome to join her (don't send out invitations just a round robin text) and adds that she doesn't want any gifts but she isn't able to pay for people, then that's not being a CF.

The only way people might be a bit miffed with this is if they always host and pay for everything for people when it's their birthdays. If this isn't the case, then why should OP fork out a ridiculous amount of money, it's daft. People can either attend or decline, there's no need to overthink it.

@birthdayquandarywhere in the country do you live? I’d be amazed if there isn’t a local-ish hotel who would be able to offer afternoon tea within your budget for 40 people 🙂 then you and DH could have a nice 3 course meal on the night, stay over and have breakfast/go for a walk the next day. And when you invite, you can make clear that you’re covering the lunch, but that if anyone would like to stay over then you can pass on room details. If it’s a tricky time of year for hotels e.g after Christmas when there’s a lull, you may even have some negotiation regarding offering a small discount for your guests to stay over.

No. What you can do is go out for a meal and say everyone pays for what they eat as then people choose how much they can spend or not come at all or just have a drink. You can't book a room and demand £50.

Getting the impression its between Xmas and New Years like my husband's. He doesn't get to celebrate either because everyone is away or busy with holiday plans. Did manage to put on a barbecue for him for a 0 year birthday but even then it was just a small group of family. We in New Zealand so summer then a barbecue wouldn't work for you unfortunately.

I am extremely curious about the date that both never works but also works for 40 people to drop everything and spend hundreds on your birthday.

I think you need to take a breath and think this through. Your vision of a long cosy lunch wouldn’t happen with 40 people no matter what budget you had. I think you should find a lovely pub with a function room and a buffet option and invite everyone to that. They can pay for whatever they want to drink and everyone can mingle and eat and spend time together.

or as many have said - split it up and spread out the fun.

I don’t think I’ve ever done anything much for my birthday on the actual day. Whatever weekend was closest maybe, or often nothing outside some cupcakes with my children. I’ve never felt hard done by though.

I celebrated my 40th on my 42.35 or something like that birthday - it was Covid so I couldn’t have a party on the day but had a massive ceilidh a couple years later. I did make everyone sing happy birthday to me though lol.

A few years ago we had a 40th party for my DP at our house and we were aiming for low-stress, low-cost.

We ordered in Lebanese food from a local place that does amazing food. It’s great as that style of food naturally include vegetarian and vegan options. Plus all the food came in disposable tubs and they provided paper plates and napkins.

We had a bunch of booze already in the house, so just set out a booze table for people to help themselves.

on the invites we told people we would be providing food, wine and spirits but requested they bring along mixers and beers they wanted to drink.

it worked really well. the catering cost about £350, and the only clearing up we needed to do was loading the dishwasher with the glasses, and everything else was swept into bin liners.

this may not be the type of thing you’re looking to do but it can be done on a budget and everyone really enjoyed themselves. I hope you’re able to find something that works!

I don’t understand these responses. I wouldn’t go out to lunch for someone’s birthday and expect THEM to pay!

I’ve been to birthday dinners / lunches loads of times where I’ve paid for myself!

Maybe you could buy a couple of bottles of something for the table?

This, I'd be happy to pay for my own food at a birthday lunch/celebration, I think that is fairly normal if drinks are covered by the host.

It’s not hosting if they have to pay. I’m sorry your birthday is on a rubbish date, one of my kids is awfully close to Christmas. But it’s a big ask financially for other people what you’re suggesting.

I think it’s statistically unlikely that this is the first time it’s fallen on a Saturday in your entire life!

@birthdayquandary I am struck that you keep talking about a cosy lunch – to me that would be a max of about 12 people. If I had 40 people to a meal I would barely talk to most of them and that would surely be disappointing.

Also I cannot imagine why anyone would want to stay over after lunch? even if I had driven an hour to be there, I would just drive home. But then DD and I often travel longer than that for an evening at the theatre.

I would host what you can afford for the numbers you can afford. Have you looked into a catering company if you don't want to do the work? I assume this is 27 Dec (not sure why that's identifying) – while a Christmas birthday is a pain there are worse days IMHO. 2 Jan for example. Unless this is mega forward planning and your big day is 2 Jan 2027? In which case loads of time to save.

I see others have suggested similar – I love the Lebanese food delivery to home idea. Yes if you want loads of people, hire a nice room (doesn't have to be a village hall!) in a country pub and get them to put on a buffet. Cannot believe that would cost £1.5k.

Now you have lost my sympathy I’m afraid. You don’t want it at home because YOU will have to clear up, but you do want a big meal at an hotel because OTHER PEOPLE will pay. You’re coming across as a bit spoilt and entitled. Birthdays are just a day when all said & done

Your dream requires a champagne budget type of life. You have a lemonade budget. It all sounds lovely but I couldn't justify a return ticket on a train, a taxi and £50 for lunch for anyone, no matter how good a friend they were. To stay over, pay for breakfast, taxi to the station on a Sunday as well wouldn't ever be an option. Your birthday is very important to you. It's just a day to anyone else

I agree. OP I think you're getting the replies you have because of how you've worded it. You are not 'hosting' lunch or throwing a party. You are basically saying to your friends 'are you free to come for a meal on my birthday '. I've been to hundreds of birthday meals, lunches and dinners, where Ive paid for myself, especially when there has been a big group. I don't expect anyone to pay for my meal in those circumstances. I've been to restaurants where the host has paid but that situation is much less common. A birthday party however I would definitely expect food to be provided by the host. It's not really clear what sort of event youre planning. Are you just meeting for lunch in a pub or restaurant?

It's not close to being a CF, it is being a CF.

Same but it does tend to be a cheap buffet or somewhere people can order to their own budget. £50 would be $100 here which is in the fine dining range. Plus drinks would be a stretch for a lot of people.

Think your idea is a complete non starter, the £50 is quite steep but I would pay that and so would my friends however not for somewhere that I would need to drive to. Could you not book tables in a pub? Maybe a cosy hotel with your husband on the day and a party later at a better time of year.

If you don’t mind being the subject of complaints between your friends (but behind your back) then go ahead.

Rule should be only do what you can afford to host.

If people could stick to their own budget rather than £50 that might not be as bad. I’ve never spent £50 on myself for lunch and definitely wouldn’t with today’s col issues.

Lived in many countries , met many people from all walks of lives been to many many parties and never ever was asked to pay for anything . it’s common practice that the host pays for everything.
that’s why we are taught to always get a nice gift for the host.
the only place I read this is here .

Hum. I'm just organising my big birthday lunch and I'm paying. I'm doing a pub lunch with drinks and I think it will cost me around £50 a head as most will drive. Total number 12.
I do a family Christmas curry party so I'm not cooking on this one day. I'm wearing a party hat (tiara) and using my savings from not buying clothes due to being very ill and not working.
I once invited a CF friend to my pub lunch who drank two bottles of champagne and never bought anyone a drink. Obviously an ex friend.
I'd be happy to pay towards a friend's party but not many would. People buy gifts and two friends have offered to host at their homes but having been housebound I want to go out.

Yes - I think what OP is fantasising about is the equivalent really of inviting people to a wedding, what with expecting them to book accommodation as well. She’s inviting them to spend hundreds of pounds, presumably just after Christmas.

And even if she says ‘No presents’ most people will feel they should bring something since it’s a birthday.

I suspect many people would politely decline this invitation to make their credit card bills even more terrifying!