Asking guests to pay £50 for a birthday lunch?

[birthdayquandary]

I'm trying to decide if this WBU... I've namechanged as it may be outing.

I have a big birthday coming up. It is at a crap/ difficult time of year which means historically I've very rarely celebrated on the day with friends. This coming birthday it happens to be on a Saturday and I'd like to celebrate it. However, given crap time of year obvious things like hosting a party at home/ in the garden or even an evening party aren't an option.

What I'd like to do is 'host' a big lunch (up to 40ish people) in a private room at a nice hotel that does great food. Then people who want to stay over can and those who don't have time to get home (my friends live in various locations, all within about an hour of where I'm hoping to have party). I love a big, cosy lunch with friends and this is how I'd love to celebrate my birthday. However, I can't afford to pay for the whole thing. It's looking like it'd be at least £50ph for food, plus drinks and possibly a 'room charge'. I can cover some of the cost, but not all of it. Would IBU to ask people to pay £50ph to cover their food, and then I cover the booze, service charge, room charge, etc?

The only friends who've hosted big meals like this for birthdays have been able to afford to pay for the whole thing. Everyone else I know who has held a party has done an evening thing at home or out in a bar (where they either have or haven't covered all or some of the cost). I can't host the lunch at home because I don't have enough space, and also don't want to be cooking or cleaning up on my birthday.

What do you think? Is it gauche (or plain cheeky) to ask people to stump up £50 (or thereabouts)? I think it probably is, but given the particularly crap date of my birthday a lunch thing is really the only option...

My friends usually (not big birthdays!) book a table at a restaurant for 15ish people for dinner, we split the bill. I am not going to the next one because it’ll be at least £50+. That’s quite normal too though surely?

50x40 so £2000 from guests? I think if you can’t afford to pay for your party you should change your plans

My friends and I don't do parties, that's why I said everyone pays for their own meals and drinks themselves whenever we meet up on special occasions, this means no one has to feel obliged to host anything and pay for everyone when their own birthday rolls around.
We all tend to pick places with a similar price range, middle of the road, so everyone is happy to turn up if they want to. If for some reason someone picked a really expensive place they wanted to go to for their birthday, if people couldn't afford it then the birthday girl would be happy to go somewhere else, it's no big deal.

What matters is spending time with friends and enjoying yourselves, not trying to find the most exciting or social media pleasing setting so that people can spend all night making daft photos to show 'how much they're having fun'

She's hosting an event at a hotel, though. I think it's different to a group of mates going out for a curry or whatever.

I wouldn’t go to this unless it was for a close relative.

Could you host lunch at yours but have caterers ? This would work out way cheaper than going to a restaurant and you wouldn’t have to cook or clean.
Or could you do the above but have the event at a friend’s house ( someone with more space )?

Right. I think what the OP wants is an expensive hotel lunch, which is different.

I’d be happy if a friend said I’m thinking of doing lunch for my birthday, it’s here, here’s the menu and it’ll be £50 a head. It’s up front and clear, I can decide. If I was going to end up paying for me and DH, that’s ok, if we were bringing kids it would get expensive!

or….hire somewhere and provide nibbles/food and say BYO,

or put on nibbles and put money behind the bar….

She doesn't want it at her house.

If someone invited me out for a meal for their birthday then I would expect to pay the bill and, more than likely, split it with all but the birthday person so they didn’t pay on their birthday!

Can you find a really nice country pub that has a private dining area? Will be much cheaper than a hotel.

I agree, your lack of preparation shouldn’t be the financial responsibility of your nearest and dearest. Also assuming this dreadful date is within the next 2 months or so is hardly a reasonable timeframe to expect couples to pay for a private lunch, overnight stay (some food needed at night), breakfast and possibly babysitters all to fulfil your country weekend style notion.
If your budget is 1.5k plan accordingly.

Don't give up on your idea of a party, you deserve one!

Find a better venue. Is there a gastro pub or a decent function room where you can have a nice buffet? Don't worry about people staying, most people will assign a designated driver.

Can you still have the hotel, but par it down. Maybe a buffet lunch with an open bar. You pay for the food and entertainment and the guests pay for drinks. Less formal than a sit fow. lunch, more food options. Supply plenty of water still and sparkling.

“I’d like to host a big birthday lunch”

Er…I think a lot of people would, but hosting means paying.
Have the party you can afford.

I really hate this new trend for having pretentious celebrations and getting your so-called guests to pay.

You do you, but I think it’s CF behaviour and frankly, vulgar.

In a restaurant with a regular menu that’s completely reasonable. In a country hotel, private room and select menu you are hosting an event.

A meal at a hotel with possible stay overnight sounds like a family event or even very wedding like (though with weddings the host definitely pays!).
I would look at my guest list again and if I wanted to do a sit down meal I would cut the list to around 20 people and ring round local restaurants to see who could accommodate this on the 'awkward' date. Lots of restaurants generally start from around £15 for a cheaper main so people might go for this (we have done this for work nights out where people want to eat first). You might just need to take a pre order and deposit from guests, but if people can order what they want from the menu and decline starters/desserts, and opt for cheaper drinks then this might work better.
Alternatively you need to look at hiring a room for 40 people and putting on a buffet - again many pubs do this so it doesn't have to be the village hall which you are opposed to.

I think you just need to work out your priority for the day - is it the get together with others, or the night away with partner? And to move one to another week.

@birthdayquandary i haven’t read the full thread just first couple of pages and your response !

i coudknt seem to vote either but I’m going against the grain and saying YANBU. You know your friendship group and have already said there’s people who’ve done similar things who have paid the whole lot for everyone - £50 to them surely won’t break the bank. I completely understand that there is a COL crisis etc but if you go pretty much anywhere now for a nice sit down meal and 1-2 drinks it’s hard to get away with paying much less for it all. You’ve also offered to pay for drinks for 40 odd people putting up > 1.5k !

At the end of the day people who can’t afford it or don’t want to come have a great excuse with it being so close to Xmas and those that can afford will - it may end up being a smaller group which is fine. I would probably send out invites early obvisouly explaining to people the cost so they have more time to save up with it being Xmas.

My work Xmas party costs £50 ffs - I would definitely pay this and save tenner or £20 for a few months to go for a close friend but I appreciate not everyone can. I do think it’s an individual situation though and just because lots of people on mumsnet woudlnt go or think it’s cheeky doesnt mean that your nearest and dearest woudlnt be happy to do so as they may all be in different financial situations and really want to celebrate your big birthday - understanding that you’ve never been able to properly celebrate one.

Another option whcih would be cheaper for both you and the guests (sorry if already mentioned) is could you not hire a room in a bar or pub? Put some money behind the bar and pay for nibbles or even a buffet if you can afford it but tell everyone to eat beforehand so they’re not expecting to be fed fed. I personally would enjoy this more as everyone including you will have a good chance to mingle with everyone whereas sit down meals often mean you only talk to the people you’re sat with

good luck and happy birthday in advance

Going against the grain here, I don’t think it’s unreasonable I would personally put the feelers out and say you’re thinking of doing xyz but it would be £50 per person, personally if that’s food and drink i feel like people would be okay with it. You say you’ve never had a birthday party and if you really want the celebration id maybe say to people you’d rather their presence than a present (but up to you)

This ⬆️

Precisely.

i think people have forgotten what hosting means..

Plenty of people have birthdays either side of Christmas. It is a bit tricky but i think you are overvaluing the actual date. What about a get together early feb when everyone has had a post Christmas pay cheque but do something that you can afford - a curry buffet or a pub meal or something. I do sympathise those as i also imagine having a great party with lots of friends but dont have enough friends rather than not having enough money! Count your luck OP

Lots of restaurants do private dining where yoy get a room for a few hours (Cosy Club, The Ivy...). Host it in the city where 50% of the friends are and stay over there.

There will be lots of hotel options with various budgets close by for people that want to stay.

Why not have the cosy lunch with a few close friends who live close by and don't need to pay to stop over?

A lunch with 40 isn't going to be in any way cosy. That's trad party in a hall with a buffet territory.

If it’s a party then yes you need to pay. But if it’s restaurant or pub where they can choose their food/ budget then you can invite them and they pay for themselves. Or you can pay a portion or buy wine for the table.