I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’ve been with my ex for around 5 years. I met him not long after I had a child. He was so charming at first and shown the perfect dad role model. I loved it and him. He stepped up and was the “perfect man” or so he made me believe. Quickly changed and the games began we were on and off. I should have left there and then but the manipulation and games he played to get me back were something else. I was stupid and fell for it every time. We split for 5 months once then got back together I fell pregnant and voiced my concerns about the pregnancy. He told me if I had an abortion he would tell everyone I am murderer. Thankfully I have now had my son and I wouldn’t change him. But I would change his dad.
Me and his dad split for 8 months when he was a baby (3 months) because he scared him by shouting at him, smashed plates that landed near him and enough was enough. 8 months passed and emotions calmed. My son grew and him and his dad became close. He invited me out with them both and I did. And this is where it began, again.
he’s got worse this time. He screams in my face and he told me he was glad that he scares me when I pleaded with him to stop shouting at me when my son was in the house. He withholds mine and my kids belongings and he will not give them back. I am sick of this “man” doing as he pleases , scaring my children and me and THEN tells me if I don’t get back with him and stop “causing shit” (breaking up with him) he is going to make me loose my home, going to cause trouble with my family - the lot! I am so sick of this. Please no one tell me this is easy to leave if it was no one would be in this situation. Enough is enough how do I break free?

Speak to a local domestic abuse support organisation.

It will only end if you walk away. You could report his abuse to the Police, contact a Domestic Abuse Support group, move, tell him to Fuck Off.......

There's no easy way but I'm afraid you're the only one who can change your situation.

It’s absolutely not easy but it is necessary. You have to find the strength within to just leave and never look back. Go to family or friends if you have them, a shelter if you don’t. Dont tell him you’re going because leaving is the most dangerous time for people in abusive relationships - pack whatever you can and get out whilst he’s at work or whatever.

Then never ever believe him again when he tries to threaten you or win you back. Find the strength in wanting your son to grow up knowing what healthy relationships look like and having healthy boundaries. Do it for him!

You’re so right in all that you are saying. I feel so low on energy and the cravings to go back are rotten. My head is a mess right now. I have tried reaching out to DV support groups the lot. I even had counselling!? There’s something seriously wrong with me.

Are you living away from him right now OP? What sort of trouble can he realistically cause you with your family? Can he really make you loose your home, or is he just trying to frighten you, and because he's conditioned you to do what he tells you, it's working?

There is nothing wrong with you lovely, you have been conditioned and manipulated slowly over time by a narcissistic sociopath don’t be hard on yourself ♥️

You have now recognised you need to do something for you and importantly for your child that does not have a say in any of this! You need to report this to the police and contact a domestic abuse charity they will give you advice to keep you safe when you are about to leave this can be a dangerous time xx

once you leave stay focused remember why you have left and take every minute of every hour of the day at a time, block him from everything and tell everyone not to speak to him or tell him where you are xx stay safe ♥️🤍

I say this with kindness and good hopes for your future.

Your children are the victims of domestic violence. The shouting, screaming, smashing stuff, controlling behaviour, making them frightened, etc. All of it means they're victims of domestic violence. This is how social services WILL see it. And they will see it. So ask yourself this, do you want to do this to your kids? Do you want to lose your kids?

It's hard, but you need to reach out again and let people help you.

Me and his dad split for 8 months when he was a baby (3 months) because he scared him by shouting at him, smashed plates that landed near him and enough was enough

I judge anyone who gets back with a man who scares a baby. This is horrific. I really hope you get all the support you need to leave this man for good, but please think about what your child has endured since being born. And you have allowed it.
Yes it's harsh but please feel the judgement and use it as fuel to leave.

I’m currently living in temporary accommodation. It’s a flat. He has made it that if I stay here he doesn’t trust me and so he goes in a mood if I stay here. So I have been staying at his for around 3 weeks. He said he would report me to the council if I “cause trouble for him” (leave) so that’s why I would loose my place

He can't prove that you haven't been staying at your TA. But from now on make sure you do stay where you're.meant to be at.
Jog him on. He will only continue to get worse.

I need to read this every single day. The fact when I tell him this is DV he tells me that it isn’t and it isn’t because it’s what I do and have done to make him feel that way. If I behave different it wouldn’t happen. I know this sounds stupid to believe and honestly even I don’t know how I believe him when he says it.

He can’t but they could ask my landlord..
i feel so different tonight when I have come home with my child I feel “safe”.
i just kick myself because I dread what he’s going to say to make this my fault this time.

EDIT sorry. I just re-read this bit he didn’t shout at him he scared him by shouting at me is what I meant to type. If he shouted at my child that’s a different story

Its not easy to leave. It can take a fair amount of tries. I think it took me 7 or 8 to leave my abusive ex. He'd love bomb me, kick off and hurt me, cry and beg forgiveness and then love bomb me again. It's a cycle. But it's one you need to break. If not for yourself then for your kids. The thing is kids who witness this are more likely to become either victims or perpatrators of DV. They are learning what is and isn't acceptable and what relationships are from you both. You need to stat strong and stay the fuck away from him. You deserve better and so do your children.

It really makes zero difference to a tiny baby whether the abusive scum father was shouting AT him or NEAR him. Zero difference. and it should make zero difference to you.
What if shards of the broken plates had landed on your baby?

The thing is your child is more likely to blame you for staying and subjecting them to this abuse. Because you knew it was abuse.

Look, this is all just smoke and mirrors from him and you need to get yourself to a space where you can see that. See it for what it is … smoke and mirrors

it’s coercive control. It’s abuse. It damages your children and when they grow and have their own kids - the abuse cycle continues to another generation. And on it goes.

kindly, it doesn’t really matter what you feel or think. You need to find it within yourself to put your children first. No matter who does or says what to whom and no matter how he tries to muddy the waters by blaming and threatening you - it doesn’t matter. What matters are your decisive actions.

you have a place to stay? Stay there

block his number. Block him on social media. Block every avenue you can think of to get to you

buy a cheap second phone and set up an email address. Give it to him - that’s his. Give him the new number. Tell him you will only ever respond via email or text and only ever to do with your child. This creates an electronic trail that shows you are working to protect your children. Turn the phone on once a day for five mins , read through anything, respond if need be and then turn off again.

engage with all relevant agencies. Tell them what he’s doing. Create the narrative. Show them you are only about protecting your children

you have to do this because to keep taking this fucking twat back knowing full well what he does to you and your kids is to be complicit in his behaviour.

and you don’t want that do you?

it’ll take a lot of courage but you’re a mum and you’re going to do the right thing by your children

tell yourself that and just … do it. Easy for me to type but crucial for you to do

dont be that woman who has to have an abuser in their life regardless of what it does to their young children.

Ho back to your home and stay there. I really don’t think you can be in trouble for having stayed at his.
Can you find the strength to speak to the police so they can help you feel safe in your home? They can help with security and if you feel you need a restraining order.
You need a safe place for you and your children. It’s not easy but you can dig deep and do this, for them as well as you. Good luck 🌷

I don't know understand what this means. Why can't you stay in your flat? refuse to go back to ex's home?

Whi cares what he say? So what if he makes it all your fault. If he's so unhappy that he's screaming and shouting all the time then it's best that he finds someone who he's happier with. It doesn't matter if he makes you the bad gut. It doesn't matter if he doesn't acknowledge his wrong doing. It doesn't matter if he doesn't take responsibility. They very seldom do. All that matters is that he doesnt have access to you.

Get a parenting app like my family wizard and only communicate with him via that. Have clear boundaries that all contact with him will be about your joint child. You discuss contact, child arrangements, maintenance, sickness, big decisions like schooling ect. Don't engage about anything else outside of your child. Ignore all other communication.

Have you heard of Claire’s Law?

If he’s like this with you, he may have previous. The subject of a Clare’s law enquiry will NOT find out anyone has asked police about them.

No there isn't.
You are being abused and gaslighted.
Your battery is low and your self esteem is low.
You will get out of this
Reach out for support and advice
Sending you strength

Sorry OP, but your response to my last post is still rather confusing. Are you at your own flat, right at this minute? If so, stay there, block him, and don't answer the door. If he turns up, tell him you don't want to see him, and if he doesn't leave, you will call the police, if he doesn't go, then DO IT, and tell the police that you are frightened for your life.

Just because you've been given a flat to live in, it doesn't mean that you can't go anywhere else. He's just saying that to frighten you. If he does manage to get anyone to listen to his shit, and you are questioned about it, (which I very much doubt) tell whoever asks that he's been blackmailing you into going back to him, by threatening that he will lose you your accommodation.

Read my next sentence out loud - He is a BLACK MAILING, ABUSIVE, ARSEHOLE, AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE! Read the sentence again - He is a BLACK MAILING, ABUSIVE, ARSEHOLE, AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE!

If you have paper and pen, write it in large letters and stick it on the back of your door, so that you read it when you go to answer the door, and it will remind you that YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN YOUR LIFE!!

If he turns up DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!

If you need this sentiment drumming into you, write it again and again, and pin messages all over the flat, you could even write it in lipstick on your bathroom mirror, or pretend that you're back at school, and write 100 lines saying He is a BLACK MAILING, ABUSIVE, ARSEHOLE, AND I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE!

You MUST stop listening to this man OP, he is full of his own importance, but ONLY YOU can let him bully you into doing what he wants you to do, and ONLY YOU, can put an end to this awful relationship once and for all.

DO IT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!

You didn't answer the question I asked previously about what is it that you think he can he do to to cause you trouble with your family?

Thank you so much. I have woken up today feeling more strength. I took the advice to block on everything. He has caused a lot of trouble in the past. Hes text my dad telling him how o have been with other men(when we was split for the 5 months and also even before him). Hes caused trouble between me and my brother by telling me how my brother doesn’t like me because of all the stuff with my ex that’s happened etc. Hes an awful person. Last night he had hold of my little boy while he was shouting at me and I saw my son was watching. It turned my stomach. As soon as the money was safe and I could gently get my child I put him in the car and off I went. I woke up today feeling stronger about leaving him but sick about what he was trying to teach my 20 month old son!! Obviously I don’t want him around my son what so ever now as it is clearly being introduced to him and I am not letting that happen. I spoke to a solicitor a while back and she said how courts see this as “well if the parent who isn’t being abused isn’t at the property then it wouldn’t happen” which i think is outrageous. By the way, she was on my side and still said this!!

I spoke to a solicitor a while back and she said how courts see this as “well if the parent who isn’t being abused isn’t at the property then it wouldn’t happen” which i think is outrageous. By the way, she was on my side and still said this!!

I may be wrong but doesn't that just mean if you keep him away from home, your child (and you) then he won't be able to abuse you further?

You must take action by not seeing him. Tell him he is not to come to your home and if he does then call the Police. Do not go to his home.

It doesn't matter what he says to anyone else - if they believe him then they are not allies of yours so fuck them.

You're failing your son OP. Call a domestic abuse charity today and start the ball rolling. Yes, you will lose the house but you'll gain a home, where you and your dc can feel safe and have your possessions.