I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’ve been with my ex for around 5 years. I met him not long after I had a child. He was so charming at first and shown the perfect dad role model. I loved it and him. He stepped up and was the “perfect man” or so he made me believe. Quickly changed and the games began we were on and off. I should have left there and then but the manipulation and games he played to get me back were something else. I was stupid and fell for it every time. We split for 5 months once then got back together I fell pregnant and voiced my concerns about the pregnancy. He told me if I had an abortion he would tell everyone I am murderer. Thankfully I have now had my son and I wouldn’t change him. But I would change his dad.
Me and his dad split for 8 months when he was a baby (3 months) because he scared him by shouting at him, smashed plates that landed near him and enough was enough. 8 months passed and emotions calmed. My son grew and him and his dad became close. He invited me out with them both and I did. And this is where it began, again.
he’s got worse this time. He screams in my face and he told me he was glad that he scares me when I pleaded with him to stop shouting at me when my son was in the house. He withholds mine and my kids belongings and he will not give them back. I am sick of this “man” doing as he pleases , scaring my children and me and THEN tells me if I don’t get back with him and stop “causing shit” (breaking up with him) he is going to make me loose my home, going to cause trouble with my family - the lot! I am so sick of this. Please no one tell me this is easy to leave if it was no one would be in this situation. Enough is enough how do I break free?

Hi OP

I could have written your post 20 years ago.

You’re right, it’s not easy to leave. That’s why I stayed with an abusive, narcissistic bully for 5 years. I kept telling myself it’d get better and he’d realise how much he loved me and our DD….but it didn’t get better, it got worse. He controlled every single aspect of my life. I worked full time (he never worked) but I didn’t even have money to get my hair cut….yet he had new games consoles, football boots, expensive trainers etc.

Reach out to domestic abuse charities, family, friends…anyone. Don’t let pride get in your way. You WILL find the strength to do it, for your children.

I’m so happy now, the freedom I have with my DH and our family is the best feeling in the world. Not treading on eggshells all the time, scared of the next fall out. It’s worth it a million times over to give yourself and your DC a peaceful, safe life. Good luck 🤗

My son turned yellow with fear when his dad shouted at me.

That was enough for me to make the decision to leave the relationship

I know I’m not you, and he actually left (went back to where we had been living abroad as a “punishment “ for me not being “well behaved”) but you have a place to stay, so stay there.

Can you talk to your housing officer and get to a new temporary accommodation and not tell your ex?

he needs to be an ex. Obviously.

my ds was 5 when I split up with his dad. He’s 19 now and our lives are almost fairytale like. Both of us in great relationships with an incredible lifestyle

you could have his too, but never if you stay with that man. He may not kill you, but he can make your life so miserable that it’s as good as done.

get out and stay out. Use mumsnet to help you stick with it. There are (sadly) many people who have been through this experience and come out the other side. They helped me immensely when I needed it, they will help you too.

keep fighting for the help you need from the da organisations.

and stop listening to him, you know he’s full of shit.

NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

Have you read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft? Please Google it, there are free pdf versions and you can get the paperback from a bookshop or the library

you need to read it.

you can do this. Do it for your future self, do it for your child, do it for his future.

This man will only ever get worse. And nothing you do or can do has any effect because it’s HIM manufacturing the anger to abuse you.

OP I left 16 years ago. Here is my advice. Never go back, your DC does not need to be taught that abusive relationships are normal.

Look up grey rock. This is a technique for dealing with abusive men especially if you have to deal with them about DC access.

I assume he is on the birth certificate so when you can you need to get a CAO in place for child arrangements if he still wants access and he is trying to control you with that.

Lastly, please focus on your career/job is you are working or intend to go back to work. It’s super important you are as financially independent as possible.

I feel for you OP, as I've been there and done that.

You living in temporary accommodation is actually your blessing in disguise and use it as the "get out of jail free card" that it is.

I would go back to the council and explain to their homeless duty team that you need to be moved somewhere else. It could be hard as they often need a paper trail i.e. police reports etc. It's unclear if you've reported any of this.

If you don't have any paperwork. You should file a non molestation order and try to get that served on him. In the meantime you should contact women's services who can support you with this and help to fight to get you moved somewhere safer.

It's pointless remaining in this temporary accommodation flat and dealing with abuse, until your properly housed. The other option is to move in to a refuge, as either way you're still waiting to be housed. But at least with the latter, you'll be safe and finally gain some peace and mental clarity to just breath and focus upon your life.

A PP was a bit harsh in stating and I'm paraphrasing that you're wrong to bring your baby back around an abusive "man." But I agree. Sometimes we can't do it for ourselves, but as mothers our driving forces are often our children.

Children are forced to live whatever lives their parents choose. They have no choice- until there is an intervention (if lucky). This is not a criticism, it's reality and something to be mindful of. It can impact upon your future relationships with your children. It did for a while with my eldest.

You all deserve to live peaceful lives and initially it will be hard. But once through that tunnel, there's such a better life to live- free from him and most importantly free from abuse.

2 years from now- you could be living free, peaceful with a new home and laughing at how far you've come or you could be sitting in an office debating with social services, or filing the 12,345 police report- looking haggard and stressed out trying to argue why they need to now take your reports seriously. Choose your struggle and choose it wisely.

Find your fire that you once had and use that to fuel your strength, to pick yourself back up and fight for your lives.

It ends when you make it end, OP. It won’t stop on its own. Follow advice from a domestic violence service on how to escape.

But it's not a different story unfortunately... Him shouting at you has the same effect on your child as him shouting at the baby directly. The baby could not tell the difference, but certainly could identify that aggression and danger were near. Somehow, you have accepted that it's ok for you to be abused as a 'bad woman'. It isn't. Abusing you = abusing your child. And abusing you is NOT ok for whatever reason. You are worthy of better. Accept this and get angry. That pathetic POS is scared of you seeing it.

Thanks for your advice, your situation sounds so familiar right now. I’m glad you found your way out. I am glad that you are now happy. Can I ask, do you continue to let your DD see her dad after the split?

He is abusing you. That's one thing.
The more important thing is - you are allowing your child to suffer. You.
You need to keep your child away from this man so they can't witness and be affected by it. Because it is affecting them.

it is not your fault.
nothing you could possibly have done justifies his behaviour.
you do not deserve this, and neither does your son (or any other children you already have)

it will be much easier to deal with this if you can stay away from this man and not let him into your flat, and easier to do that if he doesn't even know where your flat is! so it is worth:
(a) getting support & advice from Women's Aid, or similar;
(b) reporting what's been happening, so it's on record, officially;
(c) speaking to your housing officer about being transferred to different temporary accommodation;
(d) keeping that new address secret so he can't come and hassle you there;
(e) telling your family - brother, dad, whoever - the truth: that this man is a real danger to you & your precious son, and you have taken these steps to keep your family safe, and making sure that they understand/ will back you up - if they won't, you may need to stay away from them for a while too
(f) reminding yourself that it is not your fault/ you do not deserve this regularly.

It will get better!

Speak to these people about getting a non molestation order. You don’t have to pay anything for it (or you could apply yourself through the government website)

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/non-molestation-order/

Where's the first ex in this OP? What does he have to say about this abusive man being around his child?

Where’s your other child OP?

He’s not going to suddenly turn into a decent partner and father, so how ever hard it is, you need to break ties with him and stop getting back with him. Stay in your flat, don’t go to his and if he causes trouble for you, contact the police.
Who cares what he says to your family? He’s pathetic.

You might feel that you are not perfect and have done things that are wrong, and that you will be blamed by social services, police etc. which gives him a hold over you. This does not give him the right to treat you badly and frighten your son, please get help, then you can work towards improving life for you and your son.

He doesn’t do anything when my daughter is present thankfully. If I am with her it’s via text and when she’s at her dad’s every other weekend and on a Tuesday; that’s when he becomes this awful monster. Luckily she doesn’t see this but my poor son has done.

I just want to say thanks to everyone on here. The comments have given me a reality check I so very much needed. I needed to hear the brutal truths and just how blinded I have been to think that this isn’t affecting my children. Thank you.

I'm glad to hear that the responses that you've had have helped you to see how important it is for you to end this relationship, and have absolutely NO further contact with your abuser.

As far as him seeing your child, thankfully I've not been through this, as when my ex and I went our separate ways, it was amicable, but in your shoes, I'd be tempted to say that he doesn't get any access to his child until there is a Court Order in place. I'm assuming to get a Court Order allowing him access, will mean that he needs to really WANT to see his child, even if it is only to punish you, but it will also mean that it costs him money, which again, he may not be willing to spend. However, as I've said, I don't actually KNOW if there is anything legal to stop you doing this, but feel sure that someone will enlighten us both.

Do keep coming back to MN for support OP, we've seen lots of ladies through this sort of situation, and you can be pretty sure that there will be someone here who has experience of a similar situation, and can give you good advice.

Have you done what I suggested about putting notes up reminding yourself not to open the door to him, etc.?

he is currently blocked off everything and I am taking it one day at a time. My guess on his next step from previous would be he text my dad to say how awful I am and how everything he did was my fault (leaving out abusing me while my son was there). I’ll go one day at a time but as for me… I’m done with this and I’ve had a much needed reality check. I was walking through the park this morning repeating and thinking of your words. They helped so thank you. I can’t write them down as my daughter will wonder what’s going on.

I think the thing I struggle with the most is once the chaos has calmed down and my feelings creep in I wonder …. Was it my fault? Could it be different? Is it this bad or is it in my head, this is when he comes back saying how it is my fault, how i am the only one he’s been with who makes him this was etc. I know that’s bullshit but I’d say he’s done a fine job of removing my self confidence and self esteem. As for my children, they don’t deserve being near him and sadly I realised I’m not much better for staying. Yes I may believe they don’t see much, but if I am truly honest I bet they have seen more than I thought. Even one event is one too many.
its going to be a hard, long and lonely few months to find a way through but i absolutely will for my kids. Enough is enough. I know I’ll end up leaving his house in a body bag one day and I refuse to leave him alone with my son.

Why do you keep going back, now he thinks you'll never leave and he can treat you however he wants.
I left my violent ex and never went back. Yes you can leave and this time never go back, a leopard never changes it's spots.
Next thing he will be turning your DS against you.
Contact Womens Aid and never go back again.

You need to go back to where you have been provided accommodation.
I’m assuming you got it because of your situation, and although the council will have to be helpful if they learnt you are staying with him, and not where you have been given. They could possibly kick you out. I’m not saying that with solid knowledge.
But there are so many people in your situation and so many in general needing housing, I feel they could take that view.

You need to speak to DA advisor and tell them what he is doing.

You don’t need to discuss with him what it is or isn’t, he will never agree with you, and even if he does, he will still turn it on you like he already has.

It’s still DA towards you, and towards your child because the child is there, so whether it is directly or indirectly, that’s how it’s taken by the authorities I’m afraid.
But you don’t need them to tell you right from wrong because you know yourself.

You’re right I do know. Time to grow up

Dear OP,

I'm delighted to read that you're getting away from that absolute shit of a man. It will be hard, especially if he has contact with people who will put pressure on you. Every day when you wake up in your safe flat with your lovely children, take a few minutes to really feel what it's like to have some peace. It's clear that you're a really caring mother and trying to do the best for your children. If you weaken, remember that you have to do it for them, even if you can't for yourself.

Get in touch, and stay in touch, with groups who help women in your situation. Nothing is going to be fixed overnight but take it day by day and never lose sight of what you're aiming for.
You and your children deserve so much better.