I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’ve been with my ex for around 5 years. I met him not long after I had a child. He was so charming at first and shown the perfect dad role model. I loved it and him. He stepped up and was the “perfect man” or so he made me believe. Quickly changed and the games began we were on and off. I should have left there and then but the manipulation and games he played to get me back were something else. I was stupid and fell for it every time. We split for 5 months once then got back together I fell pregnant and voiced my concerns about the pregnancy. He told me if I had an abortion he would tell everyone I am murderer. Thankfully I have now had my son and I wouldn’t change him. But I would change his dad.
Me and his dad split for 8 months when he was a baby (3 months) because he scared him by shouting at him, smashed plates that landed near him and enough was enough. 8 months passed and emotions calmed. My son grew and him and his dad became close. He invited me out with them both and I did. And this is where it began, again.
he’s got worse this time. He screams in my face and he told me he was glad that he scares me when I pleaded with him to stop shouting at me when my son was in the house. He withholds mine and my kids belongings and he will not give them back. I am sick of this “man” doing as he pleases , scaring my children and me and THEN tells me if I don’t get back with him and stop “causing shit” (breaking up with him) he is going to make me loose my home, going to cause trouble with my family - the lot! I am so sick of this. Please no one tell me this is easy to leave if it was no one would be in this situation. Enough is enough how do I break free?

Your DC will learn this is acceptable in a relationship and your DS will copy this in his relationships and will treat you like this as well.

Get Strong, Keep Strong. Leave.

So proud of you. Stay strong, stay safe, stay out of this relationship

I PROMISE you things will get better in time. We’re ALL here for you.

@NeedingASafeSpace how are you doing? Please stay strong for your children's sake. Hang in there

When thoughts creep into your head such as ‘ was it my fault?’ , immediately follow it up with ‘well so what if it WAS my fault?!!! Let’s pretend this is all you, he’s an angel and you’re bloody awful.

so what? What changes? Absolutely nothing. You still can’t be together as it damages your children and you are not a woman who stands by and lets her children be damaged.

keep him blocked. Don’t weaken. Because no good will come of that

Hi sorry I drifted from MN I come and go off here. Thanks for checking in. I’m out of sorts. He harassed my dad bout contact with our son so I had to unblock to arrange contact before it worsens for my dad. He proceeded to tell me how he’s had all these sexual relations with woman and how ones on her way round right now bla bla bla. Ofc I blocked him agin. It’s thrown me back. Not because I love him I absolutely don’t but because I feel will I ever stop being bullied by this wanker

OP, you say that he 'harassed my dad about contact with our son so I had to unblock to arrange contact before it worsens for my dad.' Why didn't your Dad just tell him to piss off? As I said to you before, unless contact is ordered by a Court, you don't have to give him access to your child. It doesn't matter what he says or to who, you MUST make yourself ignore it. If his name comes up when with your family, just tell them you want nothing more to do with him, you don't want to talk about him, and please change the subject. If he genuinely wants to spend time with your joint child, then let him take you to Court, but I bet he won't because he's not interested in your child for his own sake, he just wants to use him to manipulate YOU!!

You've let him pull you back in, yet again, ask yourself why?

Then come back and tell us why you think you did it, rather than just ignoring him.

If he's bothering your Dad, and your Dad wants it to stop, then I'm sure he's perfectly capable of telling him so. If he visits your family, it's up to them whether they choose to let him in. If he calls your family, it's up to them whether they choose to speak to him, but none of that is YOUR problem. Tell them that you want nothing more to do with him, you don't want to hear about him, and it's up to them whether they want any contact with him, but if they do, YOU don't want to hear about it.

You say that you've blocked him again, so is he currently in touch with the rest of your family? You seem to only tell us part of the story, but if you REALLY want out of this relationship, then don't drift away from MN, we can really help to support you, but you've really got to WANT to get away, and stay away from him, otherwise you're not moving on, you're just prolonging the agony, and not just for yourself, but for your joint child too!

heyyy thank you for your message. I don’t give the full story because thinking of it really exhausts me. I’ll give you the quick version of what I’m dealing with.
my son‘s dad is a really abusive person. He’s a bully. He is over 6 foot and he is built like the Hulk everybody around the area is absolutely terrified of him because he absolutely does and will use violence aggression and physical violence with any given things that he can if he doesn’t agree with anything if anybody does challenge him he will threaten further violence towards them which intimidate them and makes them rather just forget the situation. I am currently living in a flat with my two children. This is our only safe Haven while we are waiting permanent housing. I’m in temporary accommodation and therefore I shouldn’t have been staying out however in the past I did as I admitted on this post he says if I try to take the Mick with him and my son which basically means if I tell him when he can and can’t see our son then he will report me to the council and have me kicked out of here and me and my children living back at my mother‘s house. I don’t doubt for one moment that this is true he would absolutely do this. He hounded my father with messages messages that our father wouldn’t want to see about his daughter. My dad has tried to ignore him and he just absolutely blows his phone up with messages. My dad will not ring the police and he’s told him to sling it before but he worsens with that . He’s called me every name under the Sun to my dad obviously my dad defended me but what does that matter. Calling the police isn’t an option for me because he has told me the repercussions if I was to do that of course I don’t want him around my son because of the screaming towards me but when I have spoke to professionals in the past they told me if they went to court they would see the situation as if I wasn’t in the house, then he wouldn’t be shouting and therefore my son wouldn’t witness this aggression my father very much see this as he has not hurt my son and therefore he has a right to see my son. Yes on paper you’re probably wondering why would you go near somebody like this and to be honest with you at this point I will definitely agree however the wool was definitely pulled out of my eyes and I was so wrapped up in the abuse I didn’t have time to think about consequences of actions when I fell pregnant not much anyway I was very much had my mind warped and he controlled every aspect of every choice that I made whilst I was in that relationship but anyway that’s getting off topic. I really don’t know what to do in this situation and it might be so clear for you to see what I should do because you are not involved in anyway, but at this moment in time I am still very much emotionally scared of this man. He has the tools to ruin my life in terms of ruined relationships with my family members. He has the tools to get me kicked out of the flat that I am living into support my children he knows where I work so he could definitely get me sacked if he wanted to start ringing in about me etc all of this is not thinking too much into it and I am not overreacting this is the type of man he is there is no two ways about it. He gets off on controlling manipulating and abusing me and he would not stop when we are over.

You are complicit in his abuse of your child if you go back. Do better.

”do better” how much better can I do than leave?

Call the police

Get you dad to show them the messages

Show them your messages

Unless the have some record of what's happening, they cannot help you

if he doesn’t agree with anything if anybody does challenge him he will threaten further violence you report this to the police if it happens.

he will report me to the council and have me kicked out of here he can't. You're staying at the flat. You're not staying with him. It's an empty threat. He has no power.

He hounded my father with messages messages that our father wouldn’t want to see about his daughter your dad shouod block him. And report him for harassment.

Calling the police isn’t an option for me because he has told me the repercussions if I was to do that of course he has. It's a load of shit. He has no power. Report it to the police, and then report it again as harassment if he carries on.

if they went to court realistically, would he do this? He doesn't strike me as a person who would engage with the courts... Just block him and wait for the paperwork, I'd put money on it never coming.

my father very much see this as he has not hurt my son and therefore he has a right to see my son. fuck all to do with him. Not his child.

He has the tools to ruin my life in terms of ruined relationships with my family members. no he doesn't. He has NO POWER! They just need to block him. Phone the police if he turns up in person. He's irrelevant, they don't need to listen to a word he has to say. If they do, they're no use to you anyway.

He has the tools to get me kicked out of the flat no he doesn't. He says he does. He's full of shit.

he knows where I work so he could definitely get me sacked nope. Tell them you have fled domestic violence, and need things in place should he approach you or Co workers either to harass verbally or physically.

this is the type of man he is I can see exactly what type of man he is. He's 'the big I am' he's aggressive and throws his weight around, he's a big fish in a small pond, and all the other little fish are the same sort of people that sort things out with their fists and by harassing and scaring people. Well he can fuck off, because you're not in his pond. You're a grown up, and you're in the pond with the police, and the courts. And they actually do have power. He can say all of this shit OP. He can say it as loudly as he likes. But it doesn't make it true.

The only power he has is the power you give him.

Well done for getting out OP. He has no power over you (keep repeating that)

In the temporary accommodation from your local council ? If so they will have a dv team to help you.

This! He will try to trick you and make you doubt yourself but you're doing the right thing

You sound like such a great person. Thank you you’re actually talking sense… thank you so much

I agree with every word of this OP. Can I ask, has he ever been to prison?

Also, do you work full time? If so, can I ask who looks after the children?

What?

Report you for what?? For leaving him?

Stop going back to him FFS!!

Reach out to a domestic violence shelter and seriously consider pressing charges for coercive control.

You keep going back to him.

You need to press charges against him for coercive control.

You need a restraining order.

You need to block him on your phone so he can’t contact you.

So basically you dont care about your children you are putting a man before them, do baybe frame it like that before social services does

And yes this is harsh but if you want to remain a doormat it won't get any better so act like an adult and stop it now put your children first for a change

Maybe people being harsh may make you wake up and take note before he kills someone

You can apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/self-referrals/

Your father needs to block him or change his phone number. Any approach, and he should report him to the police for harassment.

Let everyone, including work, know what he has been doing to you. His power lies in secrecy and things happening in private - when everyone knows, it removes that power and he becomes that crazy ex.

I would go so far as to tell the council that he has been threatening to make false reports to them. I did this when I fled my abuser - contacted DWP and told them in writing what he was threatening to tell them about me.

I would definitely go back to your local domestic abuse organisation for further support in staying safe and gone from this man. Ideally, you need to disappear.

I am long gone since this post ….

He has been to prison yes. Many of times when he was in late teens and in his 20s.
I work full time and I pay child care for my DS and my DD Is in nursery. I’m the only income so working hard to provide isn’t an option for us

The reason I asked about prison, and whether you worked full time, etc., was if he's been to prison so many times, then he obviously has a police record, presumably violence was involved? If he has a record, the police are far more likely to take an interest, so sorry for all the questions, but can I ask, have you actually reported his behaviour to the police, and if so, when, what for, and what reaction did you get?

As for your job situation, it seems that your family don't offer you any real support, so the fact that you work full time, and are used to paying for child care, again puts you in a good position, and while I know it would be hard, it would be easier than living in fear as you do now. My solution - get a new job well away from where you live now. Once you've got something suitable, look for accommodation, I would imagine if you're already on a council waiting list, that that could be transferred. Then once you've got some where, move yourself and your children, and tell NO ONE where you've gone. Not even family, just tell them that you're moving to get away from him, and you're not telling ANYONE where to, but you will keep in regular contact to let them know you're safe - only do this if you don't want to cut them out of your life too. Like I said, I know this would be really hard, but it's got to be better than living as you do now. You could even change your name by deed poll to ensure that he can't find you. In your shoes this is definitely what I would do, otherwise you and your children are going to continue to live in fear for the rest of your lives, and do bear in mind, before you say 'I can't do that', that people do this when they go into witness protection, and for them, they don't usually have time to even make plans.

With this in mind OP, can I suggest that if you haven't already, you join the Women's Aid Survivors Forum. There are other women on there who may be able to give you more advice and help. https://survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk/

Why didn't you just walk away from him as soon as you knew this? I know hindsight is a good thing however. I had a few dates with a guy at about 20 and he confessed he'd been in a YOI. I gave him a chance and went out with him again when he started trouble in a wine bar. I walked out and never saw him again. I've heard about him though and his regular breaks inside.

You don't need this.