I am so sick of this abuse. Where and when does it end?

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’ve been with my ex for around 5 years. I met him not long after I had a child. He was so charming at first and shown the perfect dad role model. I loved it and him. He stepped up and was the “perfect man” or so he made me believe. Quickly changed and the games began we were on and off. I should have left there and then but the manipulation and games he played to get me back were something else. I was stupid and fell for it every time. We split for 5 months once then got back together I fell pregnant and voiced my concerns about the pregnancy. He told me if I had an abortion he would tell everyone I am murderer. Thankfully I have now had my son and I wouldn’t change him. But I would change his dad.
Me and his dad split for 8 months when he was a baby (3 months) because he scared him by shouting at him, smashed plates that landed near him and enough was enough. 8 months passed and emotions calmed. My son grew and him and his dad became close. He invited me out with them both and I did. And this is where it began, again.
he’s got worse this time. He screams in my face and he told me he was glad that he scares me when I pleaded with him to stop shouting at me when my son was in the house. He withholds mine and my kids belongings and he will not give them back. I am sick of this “man” doing as he pleases , scaring my children and me and THEN tells me if I don’t get back with him and stop “causing shit” (breaking up with him) he is going to make me loose my home, going to cause trouble with my family - the lot! I am so sick of this. Please no one tell me this is easy to leave if it was no one would be in this situation. Enough is enough how do I break free?

I have never reported him as I have been told not to. I was threatened either all sorts of. All my family work and have kids so they can’t help me with my childcare unfortunately. I’ve just got this job the pay is amazing and I love it! The council won’t transfer me I have asked but they said I’d be starting from the bottom which I’ve been on the list 5 years already and not settled yet. I haven’t joined the forum but I will thank you so much.

Who on earth told you not to report him?

If you could get a similar job elsewhere, then there's presumably no reason you couldn't rent privately.

How long have you been living in your current flat OP?

I’m currently reading “why does he do that” I feel like this is going to be a good read. Anyone read it?

Who told you not to report the abuse?

You need to call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247. Leave a message with your name, phone number, and best time to call you back.

Tell them everything. Do not lie to cover this man. Do not leave anything out. Ask for advice and support.

By not reporting, you have put yourself in the position of going on the five year waiting list for housing.

Why did you ignore. my question about who told you not to report him to the police OP?

He is the one who said don’t report him other wise XYZ

Oh for goodness sake OP, of course he's going to threaten all sorts if you go to the police, but at the end of the day with him already having a criminal record, he knows that any report to the police is likely to end with him going back to prison. Please stop believing everything this monster is saying, go to the police, tell them EVERYTHING, including his threats about if you go to the police, that way they will help keep you safe, if they go to arrest him. Just because he's a big bastard doesn't mean that every word he says is to be believed. So please, for your sake and that of the children, report this to the police TODAY, and put a stop to living in fear. Above all, when you do, don't forget to stress how terrified you are about making the report because you're so scared of his reaction.

OP did he do any of this in writing? Text message, WhatsApp, fb messenger etc?

Honestly, his sort are utterly universal. Bluster through life, thick as shit, behaving as though they're the bloody Krays, violent and aggressive. Like they're something special and above being arrested or having any consequences at all.

They surround themselves with people who can't / won't report them because they're up to their necks in something illegal themselves.

That's not you. You're just a person, with a job and a child, and you can report him, and anything he does to try to intimidate you, you can report that too.

Imagine your bank manager or the GP or the head teacher at a school having this lumbering idiot of a gorilla threatening them with violence. Would it work, would they do what he says? Of course not - they'd call the police, ban him from the premesis, and he'd get charged with a crime.

They wouldn't say 'ooh, he told me not to, and he's always in the pub getting in fights and dealing drugs, everyone knows who he is, I'd better listen to him'. They'd think 'who is this fucking idiot, what a load of shite'.

He literally only has the power that you give him. Give him none. Take it back.

OP of course he is going to threaten you to make you not report to the police.

Having been where you are let me give you some advice. Report him. Then go to court to get your CAO sorted, he will try and control you through DC access if you don’t get your position legally secure. Find a solicitor that is really in your side. Start grey rocking him. If you really do have to communicate you make it boring about the DC only, related to
any logistics and do not respond to anything emotional.

You are doing brilliantly, you have a job you like, you are focused on that and the DC. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself too! Your financial security is so important = choice and freedom

I think I’ve just had my final straw of abuse. I am wanting to get a restraining order. How do I go about it? He’s controlling me via my son. I don’t want him to have contact with my son. Am I wrong for doing that?

What exactly has he done now OP?

As far as getting a restraining order, I've just Googled 'how do i get a restraining order?' and lots of information came up, but basically the first thing you have to do it report him to the police.