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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd s boyfriend wants a pre nup .

457 replies

Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 09:33

dd had been with her bf since uni - he has several investments and earns 85 k plus massive bonuses and his earnings will increase. She earns 32k

They are buying a house together and she is investing 30% of deposit , he 70% . Has he has more money.
They told me y day that he wants a pre nup when they get married.
I must admit I was very shocked as I assumed marriage to be a ‘ we situation’ and everything is shared as in the good and the bad - and why would money be the only thing not shared ?

I spoke to him about it as he told me that his mates just dont get it . He says that its because he has seen some married men lose their home And end up in rented if the couple split up and the man ends up worse off mostly, he wants to make sure that If anything happened its not like that .
The mortgage but also it will be not what i assumed in that it will be - joint ownership - but that he gives 70% contributions to deposit and mortgage payments, and she gives 30 % and that will be reflected too .

We are giving dd part of her deposit. The solicitor says that this is classed as a gift and is paid when the mortgage commences.

dd says that initially she was upset and insulted , but now she understands what he means she is ok with it .

I understand that she will need a solicitor for her part of the pre nup.?
I remain anxious about this - it does not feel normal ?

How can i address this with sensitivity with dd without isolating her from us ?

Ive said to him it needs to be fair and in the marriage would be uneasy if dd had to buy cheap clothes for eg and him with more income had much more spending money.. he said that - what people don't see is he does treat her - and he is generous- but again thats in his control .

He comes from quite a deprived background and I think part of this may be anxiety as he has worked very very hard .

I don't want to interfere , dd adult, but also our dd.I am aware we may need to tread carefully here am looking for balanced support and i want to stay measured about this and calm etc.

OP posts:
GreenFrogYellow · 28/10/2025 09:35

My understanding is that prenups in the UK are not worth the paper they are written on.
if they plan on having a family then this needs to be accounted for anyway. As always, unfair on the female party who will inevitably take a hit in earnings for mat leave etc… I agree, not fair but as they are adults all you can do is raise your concerns with her and then leave them to it.

Laboheme78 · 28/10/2025 09:36

She just needs to be well advised - look for a private family law solicitor. They will ensure that your daughter understands the implications, and that her interests are also looked after. I would support her by just ensuring she gets the right legal advice. It is her choice to do this, or not.

Canopop · 28/10/2025 09:37

How long have they been together? I’m assuming they’re engaged? Have they lived together in rented before to see how they manage with living together?

A prenup isn’t a legal thing in the U.K. it can be the intentions set out and upon a split considered but it’s not biding, especially if children are added.

idri · 28/10/2025 09:38

It’s v unromantic, but also v sensible.

I would be upset if my partner wanted a pre-nup too but since 50% of marriages end in divorce, then he does need to protect his money.

CactusPat · 28/10/2025 09:38

I wouldn’t particularly want to marry somebody who was already planning our divorce in detail, in honesty.

HoppityBun · 28/10/2025 09:39

I think this is a good idea. Many married couples and couples who’ve been together for years, cannot talk about money and they dance around the subject. Talking through their expectations of each other and how they think of their financial future is very healthy. You only have to have been on here for a short time to see what disaster follows when that hasn’t happened.

Their wedding vows will talk ecstatically about sharing and “all that I have I share with you” but what the vows don’t add is what is also meant, which is “but only whist our relationship is going well”.

Original poster
Velveteenrabbitt · 28/10/2025 09:40

Thank you all .
Yes they live together and split the bills 60/40 atm .
They a
have been together 5 years and may get engaged soon .

OP posts:
menopausalmare · 28/10/2025 09:41

Very sensible to protect pre-marriage assets and I would do the same. However, they also need to discuss how they will contribute to finances once they are married so it's fair, especially if they are considering children.

PollyBell · 28/10/2025 09:42

I presume if she was paying 70% and him 30% and she had more money overall you would still think is should all be fair and equal?

She needs her own legal advice but as others have mentioned prenups are not legal in uk

ComfortFoodCafe · 28/10/2025 09:42

Hes very sensible. Why shouldn’t he protect himself?

Thankyourose · 28/10/2025 09:43

I thought it was going to be old family money or something … I can see why she found it odd at first. Prenups aren’t really a thing in the U.K. but they can get legal papers drawn up for him to protect his assets, and her her deposit BUT what happens when kids come along? If that going to be written in somewhere?
She needs a good wealth mge lawyer for this one. Is he going to be tight and controlling around money in the relationship though?
Is it going to be - he has lots of hobby money and she’s paying half the bills but has little left over?
It’s a tricky one. I’m not sure I’d marry like this - presuming they are both young and have a life to build together.

Thankyourose · 28/10/2025 09:44

menopausalmare · 28/10/2025 09:41

Very sensible to protect pre-marriage assets and I would do the same. However, they also need to discuss how they will contribute to finances once they are married so it's fair, especially if they are considering children.

This is the crux. Protecting assets pre marriage is one thing, but how they work finances they have post marriage is inportant .

Hadalifeonce · 28/10/2025 09:44

I am sure his larger deposit can be protected legally, as for the rest.... Do they do equally re their accommodation and 'life admin'?
What will happen if they have children? Will your DD have to stop working? Will her non financial contribution be considered? I think I would ask if things like this have been considered.

HedwigEliza · 28/10/2025 09:46

Very sensible of him. Anyone with any assets is entitled to protect them.

FuzzyWolf · 28/10/2025 09:46

This isn’t your battle or issue to get involved in.

How would you feel if your daughter was the one to potentially lose everything if a relationship went wrong?

Pre nups are taken into consideration in a divorce and remember, they are usually made when a couple is in love and being generous to one another. There is no automatic assumption of 50/50 if they were to divorce in the future anyway. However, I would recommend your DD ensures any time off work or detriment to her income if she has children is taken into account.

Thankyourose · 28/10/2025 09:46

She should be able to discuss this with him, after all he’s the one who started the discussion. If she goes on maternity leave - is he willing to pay into her pension while she’s off for example.
If she goes part time - losing wages and pension contributions- to look after the children is he willing to make the pension contributions then? And pay into a savings account in her name?

Scottishskifun · 28/10/2025 09:47

In some ways it's sensible - for the house for instance but then it also needs to reflect potential marriage and children.

My DH and I had a legal agreement drawn up when we bought our house which reflected the deposit split before marriage and after. He put in considerably more deposit then I did. The claus was in regard to deposit value back then anything ontop split 50/50.

I suggest your DD sort out a solicitor but also speak to him honestly about pre marriage, post marriage and post children. I would also highlight some articles to her regarding women's careers/salaries taking a hit with children therefore she needs open discussion with her bf and that to be written in.

It's too simplistic to simply have a 70/30 prenuptial. The legally binding aspect of it depends on where in the country you are - in Scotland they are if considered fair.

Dweetfidilove · 28/10/2025 09:48

Pre-nup os a scary concept for some, but it's not much of a discussion without the contents of the agreement.

If we break up 3 months post-nuptials...

If we add some kids and a couple of years...

It's difficult to know if it's reasonable or not, based on the fact we have no idea what is being negotiated.

Poonu · 28/10/2025 09:48

Would you feel this way if the roles were reversed OP and your daughter was a higher earner?

ShakespeareInTurmoil · 28/10/2025 09:48

Prenups aren’t worth much in UK anyway, he’s been watching too many American courtroom dramas, but yes there are ways to protect certain assets accumulated before marriage.

I’m in a long distance relationship with DP so it doesn’t affect us at present but when we do marry I’m 100 percent comfortable with him ringfencing his contribution to our shared home. He has no issue with me doing the same and by then I may well have more cash than him (he’s currently got more assets but I’m the higher earner).

Admittedly kids would put a slant on things or having to take career breaks etc but that’s not a consideration for us. I think it’s sensible to protect what you can. Life isn’t a fairytale.

Witsend101 · 28/10/2025 09:50

Other than the mortgage deposit has he got other assets he's trying to protect or is he trying to ring fence 70% of all assets in the marriage if they divorce?

Twiglets1 · 28/10/2025 09:51

It is relatively normal to ringfence how much each person pays towards the deposit I think - so his 70% is ringfenced and her 30%.

As for the rest, I would advise your daughter to get her own solicitor when the time comes and not share one with him.

TheignT · 28/10/2025 09:51

Not a prenup but when DD and her partner bought a house she put in 90% of the deposit and it was protected so if they split up their relative contributions were reflected in the division of assets. I thought that was sensible and I think most people would have advised her to do it

Maevy · 28/10/2025 09:52

It’s not your business, they’re adults. It’s a sensible thing for him to do. She needs to ensure she’ll be adequately supported if they have children.

Merryoldgoat · 28/10/2025 09:53

I think that prenups should protect prior wealth and should reduce in ‘protection’ over time.

If you don’t want to blend your life and resources post marriage then you shouldn’t get married.

In this instance then I don’t agree with it really. DH’s parents gave him (us) our deposit so we protected that and the rest we owned equally.

20 years later it’s irrelevant and we’re joint tenants now.