Dd s boyfriend wants a pre nup .

[Velveteenrabbitt]

dd had been with her bf since uni - he has several investments and earns 85 k plus massive bonuses and his earnings will increase. She earns 32k

They are buying a house together and she is investing 30% of deposit , he 70% . Has he has more money.
They told me y day that he wants a pre nup when they get married.
I must admit I was very shocked as I assumed marriage to be a ‘ we situation’ and everything is shared as in the good and the bad - and why would money be the only thing not shared ?

I spoke to him about it as he told me that his mates just dont get it . He says that its because he has seen some married men lose their home And end up in rented if the couple split up and the man ends up worse off mostly, he wants to make sure that If anything happened its not like that .
The mortgage but also it will be not what i assumed in that it will be - joint ownership - but that he gives 70% contributions to deposit and mortgage payments, and she gives 30 % and that will be reflected too .

We are giving dd part of her deposit. The solicitor says that this is classed as a gift and is paid when the mortgage commences.

dd says that initially she was upset and insulted , but now she understands what he means she is ok with it .

I understand that she will need a solicitor for her part of the pre nup.?
I remain anxious about this - it does not feel normal ?

How can i address this with sensitivity with dd without isolating her from us ?

Ive said to him it needs to be fair and in the marriage would be uneasy if dd had to buy cheap clothes for eg and him with more income had much more spending money.. he said that - what people don't see is he does treat her - and he is generous- but again thats in his control .

He comes from quite a deprived background and I think part of this may be anxiety as he has worked very very hard .

I don't want to interfere , dd adult, but also our dd.I am aware we may need to tread carefully here am looking for balanced support and i want to stay measured about this and calm etc.

I'm in the middle of my second divorce where my xh is lying and will leave me in a very difficult position. So I'm all for it. I wish I'd done something to protect myself, but xh waited for my df to die and that's what he's going after, my parent's money.

I also put in the larger deposit on the house and paid off all his debts earlier on in our relationship. I also paid for my own engagement ring! I know, I know.....

So I think it's important that they're both protected, your dd may end up being the higher earner, and you hope that they never actually need that protection. It's a lot like life insurance in my eyes.

What stands out to me is that whilst he seems to be doing well now, his work seems precarious. What is his plan B if he loses his niche role? What would be wrote into the pre nup with regard to children and financing your DD as a SAHM?

If he thought about it seriously and genuinely wanted this surely he just ring fences his deposit and doesn't get married?

Op I have similar with my dd. Her partner comes from a family more wealthy than us and they have said all their kids will have to have pre-nups. Dd is not engaged yet. As far as I’m concerned till they have kids she can leave with what she put in. But once they have kids that will not be the case. I will pay for the best lawyer to thrash out a fair deal.

How does that work if eg a man brings in a business worth £100k and a woman nothing. But during marriage the business goes bust and the women makes £100k? Does he walk off with all the money?

Same. My DH is from an EU country where this is the norm. We had to go to his consulate afterwards to opt for the regime where each person’s pre-marriage assets are protected. We also have separate finances (joint accounts not a thing in his country).

Good for him, why should he have worked hard on his own for his savings, only to risk them in the future if the marriage doesnt work out.

he said that - what people don't see is he does treat her - and he is generous- but again thats in his control

"Generous" huh? This is troubling - he sounds like a power-tripping misogynist to me.

My husband earns a lot more than I do and has done throughout most of our marriage, especially since kids, unsurprisingly. I get to spend as much of the money in our joint account as he does. If there is a question it is always a matter of "can we afford?" not "please may I? - thank you darling". Because it's our money.

This guy's attitude stinks.

I've just realised they aren't even engaged.

Seriously, you need to stop shit stirring.

I’m surprised that you know so much about their private financial matters. Why is that?

Yes but it still puts her in an even weaker position, as the man might refuse to pay nursey fees arguing her salary pays less. You can't make the man pay anything if he refuses too. The only way it would work is if she had a well paid job and is able to cover the nursery fees alone. She would wonder why husband is so tight and feel financially able to leave him.

Before they are engaged is the perfect time to discuss this.

Why do you feel the need to tell us his parents are on benefits, that is none of your business and neither is whether than can afford food. How judgemental of you.

None of this is your business. I'd be advising my DS to run a mile from you as a MIL.

Yes I agree for them to discuss. Not for her mother to create drama over.

None of this is your business. I'd be advising my DS to run a mile from you as a MIL.

Why would you be advising your son that? Surely it wouldn’t be any of your business either?

The pre-nup would have to be made invalid and re written once they have children (ideally before pregnancy) if it were me.

She’ll be left holding the baby tied to London without the salary to make it a pleasant experience.

rainbowsparkle28

re the deeds- it will be a joint purchase but 70/ 30 ownership it seems as he will pay 70 % of mortgage .

It isnt judgy. She is explaining a history of financial insecurity which will influence his actions as an adult.

Just take on board all the advice that she should seek independent legal advice to take into account her overall contribution. Men hear these supposed stories of being "fleeced" by ex wives but in most cases, the women's side is totally different. But it's easy to fall into this.

DH risked being excommunicated by a group of friends when one was ranting about his wife "taking the house he worked hard to buy" etc by pointing out that this man's wife had moved city, then coutnry, giving up a lucrative career of her own to support him and now needed to start again...... Luckily, that caused everyone to pause and actually, to their credit, they all took a long hard look at the situation again and got less "yes, you poor guy. She's fleecing you" about it.

Ah, you are one of those MN types who thinks parents should throw their children out at 18 and never speak to them or offer them any support ever again.

But what happens if she takes maternity leave? Does he plan to take equal leave?

😂 you don’t get to police who posts on what boards.

NoSoupForU

There is no way I wish to create drama as you put it , I simply want to be able to support dd with best advice . For example , she had no idea that she should also consult a solicitor.

Would he continue to do that if she started to earn more money?

What about if they needed to move to allow in to further his career? Or her?

OP, if your daughter was the one who was earning more and she was marrying someone who earned a lot less,wouldn’t you want her to protect her assets?

All ok until/unless they have children. Then I'd want it thrown out; but would be too late? Unless that's written in as well. His career will continue to rise and of course hers won't be prioritised as it earns so much less.