Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

[KittyPup]

When I met my dh, I was always very open about wanting a big family with 3-4 dc. We always joked around with him saying 2 and me saying 4 and I would laugh that we would compromise at 3. He always laughed along and for years I believed we were on the same page.

We now have 2 dc and dh won’t have another. He says he’s done - which he is entitled to. He then said he’s always said he wanted 2 so for me it means that all along he had no intention of having 3. He says that’s isn’t the case but in my gut, I just don’t believe him.

At this point I feel frustrated and resentful. Deep down I feel lied to as I don’t feel like we got married with him being honest. Maybe I would have made a different decision about settling down with him and getting married if I had known that fundamentally we wanted different things. I was only 25 when we met. I feel like he misled me (maybe not intentionally) but it makes me look at him differently.

I’m not going to leave him and destroy the life of children I do have. He’s a good husband and an amazing dad. I just don’t know how to get over it. Many times I think I am over it and then I see a baby or a family of 3 and the feelings come flooding back and I feel like I have the wind knocked out of me. The issue is that how do I live a happy and fulfilled life with someone who I feel lied to me about something so important? Or do I just wait until the dc leave to go to uni and then leave myself? If you were in this situation - what did you do?

People are allowed to change their minds. I wanted two but I’m pretty sure I’ll stick with one now as I like having one child. Three children is more expensive and less practical than having one or two. I would be disgusted if my DP left me or resented me for changing my mind.

Surely, most.of this depends on your lifestyle, what you want going forward, , and most importantly, what you can afford.🤷‍♀️

It sounds to me like you heard what you wanted to hear and actually your DH was honest with you he only wanted two and you kept overriding him saying “that means 3” as if it was agreed just because he didn’t say “no, I really did mean 2 when I said 2” every time.

But either way, you could have gotten married both wanting four and one of you could have found that the reality of having children meant you changed your mind, as PP said.

I think some couples counselling might be in order here. You can’t spend 15+ years resenting him and already planning to leave him when your youngest goes to uni and expect that this won’t taint the atmosphere at home for your children.

"He then said he’s always said he wanted 2"

When has he booked his vasectomy for OP, if he is so certain he.is done?

So he pretty much always said he only wanted 2? Sounds like he was honest that he only ever wanted 2 but wanted to keep things light hearted with the "compromise" joke, but his underlying stance was he was done with 2

Yes he should have been more explicit but I don't think he lied

As Pp said people have the right to change their minds. I’m not sure if he has lied as he has in the past said 3.

We always wanted her 2 but due to infertility it took us a long time to conceive our daughter and at 6 it doesn’t look as though we will be able to have another child.
So in that instance we probably are feeling similar feelings as we’ve had that decision taken out of our hands.
For me I am reminded of the positives mostly and not the negatives….there was a time when I thought I would never be a mam. Now I have a daughter that amazes me every day…..yes I would have loved to have 2 children….and I’m not sure if it’s the nature of my job (I’m a nurse) I do see a lot of the bad side of things but I know that s**t happens and I have to take a step back and think of what I do have!

I wanted 3, had 2 and couldn’t have a third and very grateful now. I changed my mind about really trying extra hard for a third, two is enough and I’m very fortunate. DH would have had 6 - but he hasn’t left me because we didn’t have more babies, just accepts it wasn’t meant to be.

I don’t think him “laughing along” is at all the same as him explicitly saying yes I am happy to have 3 kids. So I don’t agree that he has really misled you or lied to you, so much as laughed along to avoid an argument. He could just as well say that he has always been clear he wanted 2 - after all, that’s exactly what he always said.

In your shoes I would feel a bit silly for having relied on the “laughing along” and not pressed harder for a solid answer about whether he was willing to compromise on three. And then I would remind myself that 3 kids is well above the norm these days and I might well not have found many potential partners who were willing to sign up for 3-4 kids even if I’d split up with this man.

In summary: I don’t think he lied. I think you heard what you wanted to hear.

None of that is relevant to what the OP asked.

He has always said 2 always you brought up the compromise, you always said 3 he never did

why do you want 3 - 3 is hard, harder in some ways than 4 as always one left out?

do you miss the baby days? Because any lingering notion of wanting more went once mine got older and now they are both teenagers so glad didn’t as (a) they are hard work and (b) it would change their dynamic

The OP is all about you and your feelings- not what might be best for your existing DC / your family dynamics or reasons why it might be a good idea. He hasn’t lied to you - there was no binding contract , just discussions and you are building up resentment based on as you say yourself lighthearted / joke conversations which is unfair. People are entitled to change their mind based on experience and life.

Reframe your thinking - ask yourself how a 3rd DC would change your family dynamics , how would you cope if there were health issues ( you and / or DC) , what would the impact be on family finances : bigger home , bigger car , childcare costs, holidays etc. How would you cope if the siblings didn’t get on - there is no guarantee. Why do you want a 3rd DC - because while your feelings shouldn’t be dismissed they need to be based in fact and a full understanding of/ consideration of the real impacts on your and your family’s life, just as your DH feelings shouldn’t be overridden by your feelings.

Obviously none of us can know for sure but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like he was lying, just that he always wanted two children but was open to having more in theory. He's then found that in practice, he is content with two.

It sounds to me like you are looking for somewhere to place blame because it hurts to think you won't have more children. Making your husband into the "bad guy who lied" gives you an outlet for your feelings, but it doesn't mean that's the reality of your situation. Someone upthread suggested couples counselling - that and/or therapy just for you could be really helpful.

I was kind of in this situation but the other way around. When I met my DH I always said I wanted a big family and so did he. We then had 2 DC close together and I actually felt I was done. DH wanted another (he’s great round the house/with the kids/I work more than him etc).
Took me a good 6 months or so to really think it through and yes I had a right to say no more, but I also felt hideous for having potentially mislead DH.
We talked a lot about it, and with some careful planning I’m about to have DC3. We have come up with a plan so that my apprehensions are thought of and supported/solved by DH and it’s a joint commitment.
Ultimately, I guess if you knew your DHs reasoning in more depth other than ‘I’ve always said X’ it would all be easier to deal with?

I get it OP. I know what you mean when you say laughing along but with an understanding. I tease I want 7, he says he wants 1 is the joke we pull out but underneath it all there is an understanding we will go for 3 and that has been seriously discussed with the joke laid on top so I totally get what youre saying.

When my husband and I got together, also very young, we discussed timelines as I wanted a family younger (late 20s) and we agreed on this. However, as it got closer he had some milestones he wanted to reach and wanted to push back the timeline. As hard as it is, where kids are involved the no trumps the yes. I really appreciated the way he approached it. He brought it up proactively, empathised with how he understood this wasn't what we had planned and it would be hard for me, laid out his reasons and did present it as a discussion not a 'I'm not doing that anymore.' I'll be honest it was a difficult conversation because we had laid out terms which he backtracked on. It is absolutely his right but still difficult. Because of how he approached it though, we were able to be very frank and honest and continue.

Does your husband seem to understand that while it's his right to change his mind there was an understanding between you and this is hard for you? I agree couples councilling. I can absolutely be with someone and respect them if situations change and we work through it as a team, I would find it really hard to have my life changed and dictated to and be given a like it or lump it dismissal.

He said two. For YEARS. You just didn’t hear him. And laughing about compromising about three? There is no compromise with children and the person who doesn’t want more ‘wins’ because you can’t plan an unwanted child.

How do I live a happy and fulfilled life with someone who I feel lied to me about something so important? Or do I just wait until the dc leave to go to uni and then leave myself?

You live a happy and fulfilled life because you have two great healthy children and a man who you say is a good husband and a good father.

Resenting him for not wanting a 3rd child is selfish. What about what HE wants? IMO he has never lied to you, he has always said that he only wanted 2. You were just hoping that when the time came you could twist his arm into having a 3rd. This is your issue, not his. I suggest you get some counselling to deal with the disappointment of not getting your own way and move on and be grateful for what you DO have instead of focusing on what you don't.

Can I suggest that you take a look at the secondary education, further education and higher education topics, and the teenager topic and then you can see what parenting older children could be like and how expensive and emotionally draining it can be.

Also, you don't know whether no 3 might have extra needs, so quit while you are ahead.

I’m not sure it sounds like he has EVER actually lied to you OP, you just chose not to listen. Has he ever, even once, verbally explicitly said that he would want to have 3?

as if it was agreed just because he didn’t say “no, I really did mean 2 when I said 2” every time.

Well tbh, clarifying his view would have been helpful.
Of course, not saying anything at the time was easier. No disagreement etc… But letting the OP believing he was happy with 3 by joking along and not correcting was lying by omission.
He wanted to avoid a confrontation because he knew ho important it is for the OP. And now expects her to just get over it because he always said two. That’s crap imo. At the very least very bad communication on his side. Avoidant behaviour maybe too.

I really don’t think it’s only the OP’s ‘fault’ for hearing what she wanted to hear.

Well having teenagers was much easier for me than having babies/toddlers. Even on a financial pov (nursery costs followed by after school clubs!!).

So humans have survived and evolved over tens of thousands of years because the desire to reproduce, in multiples, is very strong.

The reason you are finding these feelings so powerful is that you are hardwired to feel this way. If some people didn’t feel this way we wouldn’t be here. We would have been eaten by predators or wiped out by a virus etc.

Maybe that will help to rationalise it. Obviously I don’t know what happened in the past but it doesn’t sound like your dp was dishonest with you. It sounds like you are clutching at what you can because your desire to reproduce again is so strong. But it’s just your body trying to get you to reproduce again by way of an animal urge. We’re just animals at the end of the day.

You wanted four and went down to three as a “compromise” because he only wanted two. He never said he wanted more from what you have said. And even if he did he’s allowed to change his mind.

I appreciate the replies - even though some are hard to read.

I think that if I thought he had just changed his mind then it would be an easier pill to swallow. However, I think it was never his intention all along. I made very clear when we first met about wanting a big family and wanted 4 dc. This was a dealbreaker for me and I think he knew this. The joking about 3 was joking but definitely had a serious undertone. He nodded and laughed and definitely gave the impression that we were on the same page. Maybe he didn’t want the confrontation or to have to face the difficult conversation but that is why I feel misled. It’s not about him changing his mind, it’s about him never having any intention to have 3 to begin with. Everyone is entitled to want the number of children they want - my dh included. However, he has unilaterally decided the number of dc I can have also. I just feel strung along and misled. I understand that may not have been his intention though.

Just to add as I forgot in my previous post, we can afford another dc. We wouldn’t need to change house / car etc. I think that if we couldn’t and the decision was taken out of our hands in that respect, then it would be different.