Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

[KittyPup]

When I met my dh, I was always very open about wanting a big family with 3-4 dc. We always joked around with him saying 2 and me saying 4 and I would laugh that we would compromise at 3. He always laughed along and for years I believed we were on the same page.

We now have 2 dc and dh won’t have another. He says he’s done - which he is entitled to. He then said he’s always said he wanted 2 so for me it means that all along he had no intention of having 3. He says that’s isn’t the case but in my gut, I just don’t believe him.

At this point I feel frustrated and resentful. Deep down I feel lied to as I don’t feel like we got married with him being honest. Maybe I would have made a different decision about settling down with him and getting married if I had known that fundamentally we wanted different things. I was only 25 when we met. I feel like he misled me (maybe not intentionally) but it makes me look at him differently.

I’m not going to leave him and destroy the life of children I do have. He’s a good husband and an amazing dad. I just don’t know how to get over it. Many times I think I am over it and then I see a baby or a family of 3 and the feelings come flooding back and I feel like I have the wind knocked out of me. The issue is that how do I live a happy and fulfilled life with someone who I feel lied to me about something so important? Or do I just wait until the dc leave to go to uni and then leave myself? If you were in this situation - what did you do?

People do change their minds once reality sets in. I do have a 3rd Dc but it is a lot harder than 2 (not that I’d change it but I’m just saying, that jump has been the hardest).

Maybe two more kittens then!!

If I wanted my marriage to end over this then I would have left a couple of years ago when I could have met someone else and had another child with them. I’m lucky to have the means to do that if I had wanted to. I made the decision for my children to not do that.

I don’t agree that it is cruel to him to want to try and work at the marriage and not let this break it. However, if I’m not going to make the decision to end the marriage at the minute over this then why would I give him the option to? The reality is, his life is exactly how he wanted it. Mine isn’t.

Because you are not being honest with him.

You are angry that you perceive him to have been dishonest and misleading about the number of children he wanted, but you are not being honest that currently, you are staying with him whilst the kids are small and atm plan to leave him once they leave home.

I think you need to be honest and tell him exactly how you feel and that whilst you want to try and work things out, this is your current way of thinking and you both need to take steps to solve that, whether that be counselling individually or couples. Don't let him think everything is ok and you want to be with him forever whilst letting him live a lie for however many years until the kids leave. That is cruel

💯 this

Have you seriously thought what your life would be like if you split up? I’m a single mum and it’s hard for many reasons. I chose to end my marriage because the alternative was to stay with a man who wasn’t a good father or husband. It doesn’t seem like that’s the case for you. Do you have in mind what your life would look like? Would you intend on finding someone else and having another baby with them? Because whilst a lot of people manage this plenty don’t - I have been single for 5 years now.

I think you are stuck in a process a bit like grief - you need to accept the current situation so you can move on to the next stage of your life. I’d really recommend couples counselling, or even counselling on your own.

I had counselling on my own but through Relate for something I got stuck on, it was amazing, I was able to move on with my life.

I wouldn't recommend this.

I'm desperate for a third, and got a kitten thinking not only would the DC love it (which they do) but it would serve as a welcome distraction.

I'm now hugely resentful of both DH AND the cat. I wanted another child, not a cat, and now I'm stuck with it for twenty years, feeling bitter about how it should have been a child instead. Especially hard when everybody around me seems to be onto their third or fourth children now.

I think people rarely acknowledge the sadness of having fewer children than hoped for, whatever the cause. We stopped at 2 for various reasons, but one of the main reasons was my DH didn't want another. I thought a lot about what made me so focussed on a 3rd (I obsessed for over 2 years) and thought about what sorts of things would make me feel fulfilled in other ways. It's taken several years, but I'm hopefully about to embark on a major career change (with DH's full support) that would have been very difficult with a third child, and I feel really excited about it. Could you try to identify if there are other things that would spark your feelings of fulfilment? If your DH can be on board to acknowledge your loss and support you to expand your life in other ways it might help with resentment.

I tried so hard to have a third and couldn’t in the end as I had multiple miscarriages and then age prevented it. I can genuinely say now that I am very grateful I only have two children. I have zero pangs and look at people who have more than two kids and feel sympathy.

i think you are still in the young-child mindset where a baby would slot in but I believe if you wait those feelings will wane and you’ll get to a point where you will refind your freedom and your current mindset will seem like a bad dream.

I do understand where you are coming from and I partially agree. However, actions have reactions and consequences. I do feel like he has been dishonest and misleading so in my heart, I feel like at the minute I don’t owe him that honesty. Whilst not having the family I feel we agreed to is on his terms, everything else will not be.

I do think that if I gave him an ultimatum and said it was either another baby or I leave then he would agree to another baby. However, that’s not how I want to bring a child into the world. I want him to want it with me. The fact that he doesn’t despite knowing how my heart breaks over not having another one is why I need to give myself time to figure out what I want. When it did all blow up a couple of years ago, he did say to me that maybe he will get there one day. I know he doesn’t want one though. He takes me not mentioning it or arguing over it as I am slowly getting over it. Unfortunately I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will.

I think it would be cruel to break up our home as the consequences for our children would be devastating. I will always prioritise doing the right thing by them over what is right by him and if that means being cruel to him, then that just is what it is at this point. I don’t want to be a single parent which is why I didn’t leave. However, I have been a good wife to him but I don’t feel like when it comes to this particular thing, he has been a good husband to me.

Have you explored why you want a third baby so much?

@KittyPup Not sure how old you will be if you wait until your children are grown up and then you leave him, but would you be ruling out the possibility of ever having a third child if he says no and you wait?

Even if he had agreed to have more than 2 initially, he's well within his rights (and behaving perfectly reasonably) to change his mind once you start having children and real life kicks in. You're holding that against him which i think isnt fair.

You really need to communicate with him - if he's as decent as you say this needs to be something you discuss together so he can explain his thoughts and feelings rather than you making assumptions.

However, he has unilaterally decided the number of dc I can have also.

That's always going to be the case though-the person in a couple who doesn't want the extra child/cat/puppy 'wins' as it needs both of you to agree to make that leap. As it absolutely should be.

I am 37 and dc are 9 and 7. This has been going on since our youngest was coming up to 4. If I wait then it will be too late to have another.

I also know that at my age, if I left and looked for someone else to have a child with then it could never happen. The impact it would have on my current dc would be devastating so I wouldn’t do that to them.

@KittyPup It kind of seems like you've answered your own question. I left my first husband but my situation was different to yours in that he wasn't nice to me at all and I was incredibly miserable; I knew ultimately that it was also the right thing to do for my sons (3 and 6 at the time).
I then went on to meet my second husband and had another baby at 39 (his first and last bio child) and absolutely blessed to have her. She's 5 now so my kids are 18, 15 and 5.
But had my first marriage been happy (he was adamant no more kids) then of course I would have stayed - if that makes sense?

I think you're putting a lot of stock in his ability to pre-determine how he would feel years down the road while discussing hypothetical children. The truth is that it is difficult if not impossible for two people who have never been parents to know what having two will feel like and how they will feel about the prospect of a third (or fourth).

It sounds like he always thought he wanted two, but before having children he also thought he would be open to 'compromising' with three. But now it's far less abstract what that compromise will feel and look like to him, and he isn't ok with it.

You're disappointed and grieving the image of the big family you had in your mind and that's perfectly ok, but I would be really careful about directing that grief into anger and blame. I think you should pursue couples' counseling (outside the catholic church), and you might consider some individual work to help process your completely valid sadness about not having more children.

Why?
The Op hasn’t said she WILL leave once the dcs are at Uni.
She says she’ll see how she feels then. And decide how she wants to move forward. Which is fair enough.

Because let’s be honest, in 10 years time,I doubt this will be the main event if they were to get divorced.

I was similar but it was second child he refused and I really didn’t want an only child. I had always said 3, him 1 or 2. We had agreed 2. There was no reason given and I became a resentful.
I chose a second child over him and couldn’t be happier.

• I think you're putting a lot of stock in his ability to pre-determine how he would feel years down the road while discussing hypothetical children. The truth is that it is difficult if not impossible for two people who have never been parents to know what having two will feel like and how they will feel about the prospect of a third (or fourth).

Absolutely this. Who knows in their twenties what it's going to be like to have one child, let alone any more than that!?

I’m not sure I could have married someone with rigid views on the number of children they wanted. There are so many reasons why that could change over time. I took it one kid at a time. Thankfully DH was on the same page about it.

Deep down you had incompatible views re family size and it doesn’t seem like you ever truly solved that conundrum. I feel bad as you’re grieving the family you wanted and thats really hard. In some ways I am too. Not the number of children but the sibling relationship and family dynamic I envisioned hasn’t panned out at all (combo of a trauma DD suffered and DS’ autism). It really is a case of dealing with the resentment however you do that. I wish you the best.

I think that’s the thing - other than this, we don’t have any other major issues in our marriage. That’s why it isn’t a simple case of just leaving and looking for someone else. I don’t want anyone to else, I see my life with my dh. I just can’t seem to get over not having a third dc.

I empathise OP. We had always agreed on two children ( I wanted more but he didn’t so agreed on two) but we had twins and I felt cheated out of a second pregnancy. My DH was adamant he didn’t want anymore and I did really resent him and thought about leaving but couldn’t break up our family. I knew my feelings were unreasonable but you can’t control how you feel.
My twins are now 23 and we are still happily married. My desire for a 3rd did fade, it took a while but I’m glad I worked through it and I don’t resent my Husband anymore.

A PP asked why having a third child is so important to you.
Why aren't the two you already have enough?

Many people want something they can't have but manage to come to terms with it. Is this not a possibility for you?

Do you really want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights now that your children are older? It's obvious your husband feels that he has left the baby stage behind.

You are stamping your foot and saying "I want, I want".
That isn't going to get you what you want.