Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

[KittyPup]

When I met my dh, I was always very open about wanting a big family with 3-4 dc. We always joked around with him saying 2 and me saying 4 and I would laugh that we would compromise at 3. He always laughed along and for years I believed we were on the same page.

We now have 2 dc and dh won’t have another. He says he’s done - which he is entitled to. He then said he’s always said he wanted 2 so for me it means that all along he had no intention of having 3. He says that’s isn’t the case but in my gut, I just don’t believe him.

At this point I feel frustrated and resentful. Deep down I feel lied to as I don’t feel like we got married with him being honest. Maybe I would have made a different decision about settling down with him and getting married if I had known that fundamentally we wanted different things. I was only 25 when we met. I feel like he misled me (maybe not intentionally) but it makes me look at him differently.

I’m not going to leave him and destroy the life of children I do have. He’s a good husband and an amazing dad. I just don’t know how to get over it. Many times I think I am over it and then I see a baby or a family of 3 and the feelings come flooding back and I feel like I have the wind knocked out of me. The issue is that how do I live a happy and fulfilled life with someone who I feel lied to me about something so important? Or do I just wait until the dc leave to go to uni and then leave myself? If you were in this situation - what did you do?

You are completely correct in saying that we had incompatible views re family size. My frustration is, like I said in my Op, that my dh wasn’t clear with his intentions before we married. If he had, I’ll be honest, I think I would have walked away. I was mid twenties and not looking at settling down at that time. Dh is a few years older than me and is actually the one who wanted dc faster than me - I could have waited another couple of years after getting married. I feel like he always wanted just 2 and he wasn’t upfront as he knew that would be a dealbreaker for me. Instead, he waited until we were married and I was pregnant with dc2 to be honest about it. By then, I was “trapped” in that I would need to walk away to get what I wanted.

I wouldn’t say I was rigid - I always knew I wanted a big family ever since I was a young child. I was willing to compromise and have less than I thought I wanted. I just don’t feel like it was a discussion / joint decision. It is his decision and whilst he has the right to that decision, I don’t have to be happy with it.

Life doesn’t always pan out like you grow up
dreaming and hoping. I hope things improve for you and your dc and their relationship.

He didn't lie to you. He said he wanted two children, you just chose to hear three because that's what you wanted.

I can’t explain why it is so important - it’s more of a yearning from inside. It’s not rational - just a desire from deep within. I grew up an only child with parents in an unhappy marriage who divorced when I was a teenager. I dreamt of having a big, happy, bustling home with lots of children.

Of course I can come to terms with not having another child. I think I have accepted that which is why I haven’t left to pursue it with someone else. It is also why I haven’t issued an ultimatum to my dh. Whether my marriage can survive the disappointment and resentment is another thing entirely. This is what I am trying to work through which is why I came on here for advice.

I get you OP I don’t think YABU. I always wanted 3 children. My husband said 2-3 and let’s see when we get there.
After 2 he kept saying when we sell the pram yadda yadda. And it became apparent he was done. I said I was sad. He said he would get me a dog instead.
I said I didn’t want a fucking dog like a replacement for a child. I accepted it was 2 children and I sold all the baby stuff.

Then I became unplanned pregnant. I didn’t know what do to. I got quite far down the abortion route and then realised I simply couldn’t do it.
Husband eventually agreed he wanted the baby. We kept the baby and husband is head over heels in love. I feel strange about how we got here but I’m happy. I think I felt very sad and hollow when I thought we were stopping at 2.
i understand what you mean about an important life decision being taken out of your hands. Also the yearning for another baby can be incredibly painfully strong.

I think what you need is to get help to deal with your childhood issues. It sounds like you are so rigid and obsessive because of your own unhappy childhood. Now you're at risk of ruining your marriage and family because you are so resentful because you are so fixated on having your childhood dream of a family.

In reality OP as kids grow up they get more and more expensive. Then uni is very expensive, jobs are fiercely competitive, moving away when get a job is expensive, getting married is expensive, buying a house is stupidly expensive. Why not work on giving the two healthy kids you already have the best life that you can. Spending your life feeling cheated, bitter and resentful is not going to make a happy life for anyone including your kids.

ok I was an only child as well and i also wanted to give my first born Dd a sibling and maybe more but just having her younger brother is so much better - they are really close and anyone else would mess with that dynamic

of those who have 3 there is often one left out (her friend who is one of 4 is much more balanced)

you can still open up your house and have friends round etc

I think I'd try and reframe it from the idea that he lied. It doesn't really sound like it. Having children is one of those things where you don't actually know what it's like until you actually do it.. so I don't think he could really have known pre children how many he could handle, and he obviously feels like he can't do more than 2.

I'm going to bring this back to your earlier comment that you're angry at your DH because if you knew he wouldn't 'compromise' with three DC that you might not have married him and instead found someone else, because the two statements don't quite fit together.

Can you imagine a scenario where this was reversed and your DH wanted more children but you didn't, so he said he wished he had known you wouldn't give him as many kids as he wanted so he could have looked for someone else to marry instead? How would that make you feel... would you think your DH married you because you're the love of his life and only person he could imagine himself with, or that he maybe married you to get something else (children) that he wanted more than being with you specifically?

It's perfectly ok to grieve the big family you wanted and struggle to deal with that. But be cautious about channeling that into anger and blame towards your husband and what you accuse him of - that's a path that could destroy a marriage that I believe is genuinely important to you.

Be careful what you wish for, my 3rd brought a brother with him.

I have 3. I wasn’t sure if I wanted children at all but the biological clock kicked in. It took 3.5 years to conceive. I had two miscarriages between #2 and #3. If I had been content with two I wouldn’t have gone through that. I don’t ever regret DC3 but now looking back with them all adults, I see how much harder I made things for myself. My career took the hit. Financially it was that much tighter and they all went to uni and lived at home again for prolonged periods in their 20s.

I think sometimes I took a massive risk by having a baby at 40 and thank my lucky stars and the universe we got away with the gamble!

I know you don’t want to hear this but there’s a lot to be said for 2! The vast majority of my friends and family have stopped with two.

It sounds like he lied by omission - he didn’t tell you specifically that he only wanted 2 children in the future.

And now you are lying by omission - you are choosing not to tell him that you are seriously considering leaving him in the future.

Tbf none of my three felt left out. The eldest is 6 years older, middle one 4 years older, than the youngest. They were and still are, a little gang! No middle child syndrome either. All three of them think they are the favourite 🤣

2 or 3 children, they all leave home in the end.

OP you have a good man to spend the rest of your life with! Don’t ruin it!

I really agree with this. You are also angry over something that you don't actually know if it is factually true. You believe he never intended on having more than 2 children but don't know that! I think you would benefit from counselling yourself, as there is a whole area here and if needed, marriage counselling too.

My mother has always told us you meet someone, have children with them, the children create their own lives and you are back with the person you started with, so you better be bloody happy with them.