Resentment over not having a 3rd dc

[KittyPup]

When I met my dh, I was always very open about wanting a big family with 3-4 dc. We always joked around with him saying 2 and me saying 4 and I would laugh that we would compromise at 3. He always laughed along and for years I believed we were on the same page.

We now have 2 dc and dh won’t have another. He says he’s done - which he is entitled to. He then said he’s always said he wanted 2 so for me it means that all along he had no intention of having 3. He says that’s isn’t the case but in my gut, I just don’t believe him.

At this point I feel frustrated and resentful. Deep down I feel lied to as I don’t feel like we got married with him being honest. Maybe I would have made a different decision about settling down with him and getting married if I had known that fundamentally we wanted different things. I was only 25 when we met. I feel like he misled me (maybe not intentionally) but it makes me look at him differently.

I’m not going to leave him and destroy the life of children I do have. He’s a good husband and an amazing dad. I just don’t know how to get over it. Many times I think I am over it and then I see a baby or a family of 3 and the feelings come flooding back and I feel like I have the wind knocked out of me. The issue is that how do I live a happy and fulfilled life with someone who I feel lied to me about something so important? Or do I just wait until the dc leave to go to uni and then leave myself? If you were in this situation - what did you do?

Surely if the number of children you have was so crucially important to you OP you would have had a very serious conversation about that, rather than just this joke that you believe had an undertone? It doesn’t sound as though he has actually ever said he wanted 3, agreed he wanted 3, in fact he has explicitly said for the entirety of the relationship that he only wanted 2.

We were the same. I very bravely suggested he not get a vasectomy because I would stay on hormonal birth control for the mood benefits.

He wavered for a couple weeks when DS2 was 10 and we had a third on my 42 birthday. The desperate need for a third baby only faded when she was born.

It’s been amazing. I love the gap. The big ones are off at uni and I have the best relationship with the 3rd.

It might work out, OP. But also, I did make peace in my marriage.

No, not at all. Many animals have obvious ovulation, where there are physical signs. Humans don’t, we have concealed ovulation. From an evolutionary point of view, that is because with most animals, they can’t connect ovulation/sexual attraction and having a baby. Concealed ovulation is because when you ARE intelligent enough to connect the two, you don’t have sex during fertile periods. Childbirth is painful and dangerous and we would avoid it if we could. Concealed ovulation is nature’s way of getting around our big brains.

Yes, women in particular can feel a deep need to nurture and care for babies. But evolution specifically does NOT work on a desire to have babies, it works on us wanting to have sex. When babies are HERE our instinct is to care for them.

The thing is, I feel like we did. We got married in a Catholic Church and before you can do that, you need to attend pre marital counselling. You discuss everything from finances to children to domestic responsibilities. You also discuss non negotiables etc. I made it clear in that that I wanted 4 children and he never at any point said he would only have 2. I knew he wasn’t keen on 4 so we always said 3. I feel like it was discussed very early on. He had many opportunities to say that 3 would never be something he would consider.

I would be 100% with the DH if he, even just once, said "no, seriously, I really only want 2 children". From what OP is saying (and the fact that this is a frequent story on MN) it was very clear she genuinely wanted AT LEAST 3 children (and she told him as much in a non joking way). A loving partner wouldn't have let her believe for many years there was a compromise on the horizon when that was never the case. It's lying by omission.

@KittyPup perhaps unlike most of the previous posyers who feel it’s ok to berate you/blame you, I’ve been in that position. I wanted 3 dcs but dh was adamant 2 was enough.

I think in your case, you need to start grieving the family you thought you’d have. You need to grieve the fact your last pregnancy was your last even though you thought it wouldn’t be.
Unfortunately your ur dh won’t help there. He doesn’t seem to do emotions well (he clearly avoided situations where you’d get upset at the idea of only having 2). It will take time to get your head around it. And it’s ok for you to feel sad, gutted, angry etc… that’s all part of the grieving process.

I think the issue is if you start falling into blame - it’s your dh fault if you don’t have the big family your u we’re dreaming about, it’s his fault because he lied, it’s his fault for changing his mind etc….
Blame destroys. And it will destroy your marriage if you let it happen.

It’s not your fault. Youre not selfish. Or self centered etc…
And actually saying you’d ‘destroy’ your family to have one more child is wrong. It is a choice many women have done before. (It just feels wrong to some people because yu already have two and in our society 2 dcs is seen as the ‘right’ number of children. Youre not supposed to want more of them 🙄🙄)
But you need to decide what you want.
And if you want to keep your marriage, you need to be careful with your own self talk. And the difference between ‘he never said anything when we joked around. He lied’ and ‘he changed his mind. As he is entitied to. Even if t hurts like hell’. Concentrate on the second. Avoid blame like the plague.

And yes, if it doesn’t work, counselling is a good bet. And I’d say in your own first before any couple counselling.

You are rewriting history. You’ve said he repeatedly said he wanted 2. Now he didn’t?

And if you are keen on both your Catholic marriage and telling the truth, are you planning to tell him your plan to leave him when the children go to university? Because that genuinely is dreadful.

it sounds like he didn’t intentionally mislead you. He probably had every intention of going along with what you wanted until he realised how hard it was to look after 2, let alone 3.

I totally get how much it would hurt though. I nagged and nagged my partner for a 3rd. You could try this approach too, but I’m now 8 months pregnant and partner has been v distant and not fussed about the baby as much as he was with the others. He says that I will have to do the lion’s share of the work as it’s something I wanted rather than him. He’s also a fab father to the girls we already have, but I can feel the resentment already and maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do.

And @MaurineWayBackyou’re wrong. I wanted none, DH convinced me to have one. Then I wanted 2 and he was adamant he wanted to stick at one. So I know better than you! DH got his way twice. But I made my peace with it and don’t plan to leave him!

Im not rewriting history. I said that when we attended pre marital counselling, I said I wanted 4, I don’t remember him saying a number but it was many years ago now. Then over the years, we have always jokingly said a compromise of 3.

Many people stay in a marriage for their children. I’m not going to blow their life up over feelings I have when they have a very happy life. My catholic marriage means a lot which is why in my mind, I try and make it work. I don’t think that’s dreadful. However, I can’t spend the rest of my life feeling like this. If I still feel like this when my dc go to uni in 10 years then I can make a decision that is best for me.

I’m sorry you’re experiencing that. That is something that concerns me about having a third and him not being engaged as much which is why I have never pushed or nagged. However, because of this, resentment is eating me up inside and I don’t think he realises to what degree. I hope things get better when the baby is here and he realises his love for them is the same as the other two.

I think you need to have a clear discussion with him, mentioning what you have said here about what you said you wanted, that the compromise was 3, the conversation about the church sessions etc, and be honest that you beliege he lied from the beginning, and that had he been honest it would have been a deal breaker

tell him you feel resentful, ok he may resent you for wanting more and he doesn’t, but if he is adament then he gets the snip to take that responsibility away from you

I nagged and nagged my partner for a 3rd. You could try this approach too, but I’m now 8 months pregnant and partner has been v distant and not fussed about the baby as much as he was with the others. He says that I will have to do the lion’s share of the work as it’s something I wanted rather than him.

Sadly, I know a few women who "persuaded" their husbands to have a/another child and this happened to them as well.

It really, really is not a good idea to have a child that your partner doesn't want.

I often read on MN that the person who vetoes a child trumps the one who wants one, and sorry @KittyPup but I agree with this.

Do you work?
What does a third child bring that the two you already have don't?

I think he always told you that he wanted two and despite you trying to jokingly force the topic, he just didn’t want an argument but always knew he only wanted two.

I don’t think you can feel he led you on, as it sounds like he has always been clear, but I can see why you will now think differently of him.

Honestly it sounds like the compromise of 3 was never actually agreed on. You say yourself that he always said he wanted 2. Was he ever the one who said we will compromise on 3, even once. It doesn't sound like it from what you've posted.

Sounds like you should really be counting your blessings. You say he is an amazing father and great husband. Also, the irony is that you are suggesting that you are likely going to stay with him until your DCs start Uni, and then leave. So isn’t that also deceiving him, as if this is what you intend to do, shouldn’t you tell him now so he can decide whether you split now when he has more chance of meeting someone new, rather than wasting the next few years in a relationship that you’ve decided is going to end?

I hope you're honest with him about your plan to leave him once the children are grown

The thing is, you can start out with an idea oof how many you want, but you don't really know till you get there. Maybe he was not entirely closing down the possibility of three, but realised once he had two that that was indeed enough for him. It could equally have happened that you had one and decided to stop there. Or found out that even five wasnt enough.

So I don't think its helpful to think of dh as lying or stringing you along. I do understand your bitter disappointment though. Some counselling, for one or both of you, could help?

It would be best if you could put your energy into enjoying what you have and realising how lucky you are.

It sounds barmy but would a puppy or kitten help?

Thats a point...it would be cruel to allow him to think everything is fine when you are possibly only staying with him cos of the kids.

I’m not convinced by this. Humans have understood ovulation and how to avoid sex in fertile periods for how long? Maybe about 200 years. No time at all.

That’s the whole point.

I am lucky and this is why I’m trying not to let this affect us to the point where one of us leaves. Counselling will probably be a good start. A suggestion of pet is not barmy - we currently have an 11 month old kitten 🤣

I had this situation. My husband initially agreed to try for a baby when our daughter was about 3 and my son was 10.but I woke up one day to find my husband literally having a panic attack and almost in tears because he had realised he didn't want another baby. I reluctantly agreed but felt sad. I ignored my feelings for just over a year then on a rare night out together I told my husband I'd thought I was pregnant the month before and he suddenly decided having another baby wasn't such a bad idea after all. I got pregnant about 3 months later. His first instincts had been right though as he never bonded with our son (due to his dad announcing he had stage 4 cancer a few months before our son was born). Our son is also very autistic (I say it like that because my older son is autistic but my younger son is about 10 times harder work). I love him to peices but I feel my selfish wants caused a lot of stress in the family. Now I've got a 4th child and my younger son doesn't like him so more problems.

I feel like this constantly about my 3rd child. My husband never bonded with him as a baby. Funnily enough he absolutely adores our unplanned 4th child