DH upset about his childhood diet.

[Fussyeater321]

Name change for this as it could be outing…

Yesterday we got onto the conversation of DH’s childhood diet. He started it that during his whole childhood he wasn’t never not allowed something because he had already had enough sweet treats/it wasn’t healthy/needed to eat something healthy etc. DH got quite serious (obviously been on his mind for a while) and said I could never really understand how bad his diet was. I knew that his dad made him chicken nuggets for breakfast before school everyday (primary school!), that the first time he ever remembers trying any vegetable was with his ex and that his mum always told him that he wouldn’t like pizza/curry/pasta/any normal meal.

He said that in primary school him and his brother would usually have some sort of club every night of the week. He would either get in the car to southern-fried chicken and chips waiting for him or he’d have to run into the chicken shop before they got home. He always wanted to try pizza/go to Pizza Hut parties but was told he wouldn’t like it as he didn’t like cheese or tomatoes etc. Countless times I’ve heard his mum tell them both in restaurants that they won’t like something because they’ll be hidden garlic/onion/cream etc in it.

Both DH and his brother has some pretty bad health conditions as kids. Both of them had skin issues, DH sometimes had to get in the bath to peel his clothes off and his brother had the district nurse coming out to him regularly to change his dressings. DH was under a children’s hospital specialist for a few years as he had such bad migraines he’d be bed bound for days. Both MIL and FIL have had cancer, they eat a much wider range of food than the boys in childhood but apart from baking cakes or making curry from scratch I’m sure all of their food comes prepared/heat up only.

His mum is always moaning about their fussiness as kids, that she had to cook different meals every night as one would want ‘burgers and chips’ whilst the other one wanted chicken wings and chips. Apparently I’ve got all this to come once my DC can have an opinion on what they eat.. apparently DH ate normal food until he was 18 months old. DH literally ate no diary, eggs, vegetables, very limited fruit and only drank fizzy drinks (wouldn’t drink anything at school). Even on Xmas day him and his brother would be served up meat, chips, gravy and yorkshires. Again he cannot remember trying any other type of potato apart from crisps or chips until he was an adult…

Now my big issue is that she’s starting to try to put DD off her food. DD loves mushrooms which MIL will always make a huge deal how ‘yucky’ they are. DH ordered DD grilled chicken, mash and sweet corn and MIL was trying to insist that DD should be allowed chips (she was 18 months old) and making a big deal how the poor kid was getting excited over a corn on the cob…There’s also lots of comments how mean we were as we weren’t weaning DD on cake/ice cream/chocolate. She’s always telling DH how mean he is for limiting sweet treats…

MIL is a wonderful baker, PIL have never had any financial worries and invested a lot of time into the boys in all other areas of their lives. Neither DH or his brother are ND and both now eat loads of different foods. There’s still some deep rooted food issues but fortunately DH is adamant that our kids won’t grow up the same.

That made me giggle. As a child I'd had potato waffles at someone's house and enjoyed them.

The next week my mum predented me with fried egg and waffles. The sugary type, I did try to eat it.

Maybe your DH had a similar experience?

I think so. He came from a very dysfunctional family & I think limited food options were part of that.

Just a side question, what food did you have at your wedding?

Can't remember, it was 50 years ago. We had our reception at my mum & dad's so buffet type stuff a la 1970s. I doubt he ate much as he was utterly handcarted very quickly. On the way home, I was dropped off at the chippy for chicken & chips while my BIL dragged my new unconscious husband home. The whole day was full of Bad Omens 😀

Please tell me you were in a white dress and veil when you went in to the chippy.

Your DH was neglected badly, and very let down.

Your MIL sounds awful - DO NOT let her come round at mealtimes, eat out with you or join you for meals. Don’t let her just “drop in” or buy crap food for your DC.

Really feel for your DH. It's one thing having endured the horrendous diet and ensuing health problems, but experiencing his mother's distorted thinking and having her "reality" imposed... to this day still... awful.

To those defending the mum and saying DH has probably forgotten that he was in fact a fussy eater... then why is MIL still telling him what he would and wouldn't like, and trying to discourage his DD from eating vegetables and trying to force her preferences?

It's sad these adults have untreated eating disorders, but tragic when they act them out on children in their supposed care. When they try and act them out on adult children and grandchildren... I think that's when the anger really kicks in.

I'm not sure I read the same OP as you...

Your poor DH. No wonder he's struggling now with experience of his own DD and the realisation of how badly he was harmed as a child by his parents. What a headfuck.

Does he eat well now, and did his health improve from this?

I think a comment (from you, not DH) to MIL saying "It's very important to me that she tries lots of different healthy foods and comes to her own opinion without comments from others about what she shouldor shouldn't like. Please can you respect my wishes on this and not try to sway her."

And if she won't comply, then stop seeing her at mealtimes, and don't let her have DD alone at mealtimes.

I do think that at some point in adulthood you have to let all that stuff go otherwise you’ll drive yourself bonkers.

Highly unlikely that an exclusion diet included chicken nuggets though as they usually contain eggs and wheat, both things you'd try excluding. Most exclusion diets start with plain chicken, rice, potatoes and fruit/veg. Incidentally my brother had horrendous eczema as a child of the variety where having to soak in a bath to remove clothing wasn't unheard of and it was definitely triggered by different foods, including wheat, among other factors. Cutting out most food groups would have led to vitamin deficiencies which wouldn't have helped, plus he was definitely aware of being allergic to wheat etc so would be very surprising if this was the reason and DH didn't know.

I think that being told to ignore memories of abuse is far more harmful to mental health than feeling free to discuss them.

My OH never ate veg or fruit before we got together, he will now eat several different veg (carrots, broccoli, brussels, swede etc) but can still be a bit fussy, especially about fruit, thankfully the kids all eat well but i have to remind him to keep his fussiness to himself sometimes for example 22 month old was trying to feed him mango the other day and he said “eww no daddy doesn’t want that”, i told him not to tell her it was ewww, its fine to say you don’t want it but try to refrain from ewwws and yucks, or even better just pretend to eat it n like it 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Well it seems he had a very restricted diet because his mother had some funny ideas and now he eats a more varied diet. If his mother still holds these funny ideas then it’s probably better that she’s not around at her grandchildren’s mealtimes.

My older brother was occasionally the same due to terrible eczema as a teen, was hospitalised once or twice. My mum was a very traditional cook from scratch person but could never pin down what food might cause a flair up in DB. Could OP mum have just been incredibly cautious? At least he was always fed.